O/T completely!! - What's your favourite rubbish joke?

I went to a support group for those suffering from premature ejaculation last night. I got there at 7pm to find the venue closed and in darkness, and nobody there.

Seems I came early...

What do you call 2 bald blokes on a raft - Beans on toast!!

Dad told me this when I was about 10 and I found it hilarious!

I have a few!

whats brown and sticky?

a stick.

what is green, has 6 legs and if it landed on you could kill you?

a snooker table.

and my personal favourite (i apologise in advance if this offends anyone)

Man goes to the doctor for a check up. After a while the doc says 'I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating'

Man - 'Why?!'

Doctor - 'Because i'm trying to examine you.....'

Hee hee!

Two oranges walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says, "you're round"

Awww the Sticky one is one of ours!!

lol

Whats Orange and sounds like parrot?

......Carrot

and my daughters favourite joke for about 5 years!!!

Why do giraffe have long necks?

............ because they have smelly feet

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they Aaarrrrggggghhhhhh!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apple

Apple who?

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apple

Apple who?

Knock knock

Who's there?

Apple

Apple who?

Knock knock

Who's there?

Orange

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say apple?

I would probably get lynched for writing my favourite joke on here....

Funny!

2 cows in a field, one says MOOOOO the other one goes, oi i was about to say that..

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.
Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear shorts! lol

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a duck!"

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

I am a fan of the sticxk/carrot type jokes too.

What's white and cool? A fridge.

What's black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra.

What do you call a fly without any wings? A walk.

see now i just wanna know!

see now i just wanna know!

? Love it!

Must be told in a strong Brummie accent:

Q: What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

A: You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

Q: What do you call a fish with no eye

A: Fsh

Two bags of sick were walking along the street. One says to the other ...

"I was brought up around here!"

A man walks into a bar with his mate.

Man: "I'll have a pint please, Barman, ... and one for my friend, Donkey"

Barman to Friend: "Why does he call you Donkey?"

Friend: "Hee Haw, Hee Haw, Hee Hawlways calls me that!"

My 4 year olds fav joke-

Why did the banana go to the doctors?

...........because he wasn't peeling very well!!

Why do elephants have big ears?

Cos Noddy woudldn't pay the ransom!

What does a cow with now lips say?

OOOOOOOOOO!

My favourite kids stupids jokes all invole elephants for some reason:

How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?

Paints his toenails red.

How does the elphant get down from the cherry tree?

Sits on a leaft and waits until autumn.

How do you know a herd of elephants has been through your fridge?

By the footprints in the butter.

All mine are the x walks into a bar

here are just a few

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road"

A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants." The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

and this one always reminds me of my Dad so a personal favourite

There is this bear, right, and he walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says "Can I have a large Gin and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tonic Please?" The Barman replies "Yeah sure, but what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his paws and says "I'm a bear!!"

Haha.. I'm getting dirty looks because I keep reading these out, and it's just me laughing, he's giving up and raiding the fridge for a beer... ok here's some of mine from my days as a Pontins Bluecoat!

-2 fish swim into a wall, one turns to the other and says dam

-how do you get pikachu on a bus... poke 'em on....

and a fitting one for the site

Mummy phone turns to baby phone and says you're too young to be engaged!

I love this one, it's just so simple but I laugh every time I hear it...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide

My nephew keeps telling me this one over and over:

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead! (followed by floor rolling laughter-him not me ?)

For some strange reason, this is the joke that will always make me laugh what ever mood i am in :-)

How do you make a kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it!!!

?

My mum and uncles favourite and used to be my grans is:

There was a fairy her name was nuff - fair - e - nough (more of a saying really)

another:

Isobel

Isobel who?

Isobel necessary on a bicycle.

Headmaster goes into canteen and gets served by cook:-

Headmaster: Steak please and make it lean

Cook: Certainly sir, which way?

Thats all I can think of xx

I was talking to a photographer colleague about my trip to Africa. A beggar came up to me and told me that he hadn't eaten for 5 days and asked for money for food. He had a very thin look and was obviously very malnourished.

My colleague asked me what I gave him....

1/125th at f8 was my reply!!!!!!!!

OK OK...joke...not true!!!!

Why did the fly, fly?

'cos the spider, spider!

(spied her)