Other half not bothered about getting married !!

Aww jen. I dont know what to say..

My OH have been together 4 yrs this christmas, he proposed last christmas and for a year previously he often talked about us getting married. I even asked recently if he was scared about getting married and he said nope as it was a natural conclusion. Maybe some of the girls who have been with their OH's as long as you can offer more insight into their guys/situation.

Yes- it is just a piece of paper but its also an opportunity to celebrate that and you dont need to spend thousands upon thousands to do that. I couldnt see myself at the age of 28 being married, infact I just finished a long term relationship then. I'll be 35 when I get married and somehow I'm glad I waited.

hope it works out, merry christmas!

We got married this summer after 7 years together. H never really wanted to get married. We sat down and talked the whole thing through and made the decision together that we would take the step.

I think you really have to work out if you want to be married or if you want to be married to him. If H and I hadn't decided to get married I had kind of set a deadline for myself where I was going to review the situation and work out what I really wanted. At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you.

HTH!

Hi,

I agree with Becca in that you need to look into if you want your boyfriend without being married to him or if you are focusing just on being married. A difficult decision I'm sure but if he doesn't want to get married then are you going to be unhappy staying with him or can you just be glad you have a stable loving relationship.

Christmas always makes people think about their relationships and their future ahead so maybe after Christmas and New Year you won't feel so sad about it.

Try talking to him about it (if you haven't already) and explain how important it is to you and what being married would mean to you but if he still feels the same then only you can decide where you want to go from there.

Have a hug ?.

Lx

I'm 29, and will have been with my h2b for 7 and a half years when we get married. i made a commitment to him by quitting my job and moving up to scotland to be with him. a few years ago, i was wanting to take it a step further and get married, at which point my h2b said he didn't see himself getting married for a long while off, if ever. that was devastating to me so we made plans to split, and i made plans to move back to london. when i was offered a job in london, i said that i wanted him to come with me as a show of his commitment to me, and if he did, i wouldn't mention getting married for a long while after. it spurred him into deciding what to do, which was thankfully, move to london with me. that was at the beginning of 2007 and 18 months later we became engaged.

i guess the point of my story is: i wanted a show of commitment from my h2b, and he was able to give it, though i had to spur him into making a decision. maybe he sees himself as already committed to you? you need to decide if there is any compromise to be had - would you consider having children before getting married? you also need to think about, what if your h2b doesn't really ever want to get married? can i be honest and say that if your h2b hasn't *actually properly* asked you to marry him, that would ring warning bells to me?

marriage to me is so much more than the 'piece of paper' - it is a real show of unity and commitment, and doing it in front of people we love and who will share in our joy. it's a kind of feeling that you are in a team, and much stronger as a unit than on your own. at least that's what i'm hoping!!!

have you spoken to him, and told him you feel rejected by him?

sorry for the ramble x

I'm 28 and have been with H for 9 years. We got married August this year. I would happily have married him long ago, but he wasn't ready. He had talked about proposing around the time of my 27th birthday (August 2007), and did apparently actually buy me a 'fiancee' birthday card, but he decided he wasn't ready yet. By the end of November 2007 he was ready - that's when he bought the ring, and he proposed on 22nd December 2007.

What I'm trying to say is that you should have patience. If you really want to be with this man, give him time. He may not be ready now, but you never know when he may change his mind and surprise you.

I know it is tough to not be married after that length of time...

I was with Mr SP for 14 years before we got wed - we got engaged back in 1999 but even that was a looooong time coming. And even that wasn't with a view to getting married - he didn't ask if I'd marry him when he gave me the ring and when folk asked when the big day was he would say 'there isn't one' or 'we're not getting married'.

I never ever thought we'd get married tbh and I had accepted that and was happy how we were. But I went thru' all the different emotions and fears over the years about his determination not to be married tho. I just didn't get it and he was of that opinion that it was just a bit of paper.

His mum and dad went thru' a nasty divorce when he was in his early teens, and his mum often thought that might be why as he witnessed some awful things and the fall out went on for years. I'm not so sure that had anything to do with it. He totally surprised me back in 1999 by smuggling an engagement ring out to our holiday destination, I had NO idea he had anything planned.. but it took us another 8 years to actually get wed ....

We became Mr and Mrs SP in January this year ... so keep the faith. You do have a massive commitment with / from him, but just not the full package quite yet. You never know if he'll suddenly feel its 'right' ...

One thing I can say is that when we got wed I knew it was what we both wanted which is more important to me than anything else - I hadn't pushed for any commitment over and above what we already had, I'd not given him any ultimatums, and personally I'd feel quite uncomfortable if I thought I'd pushed him into making any decision he might not be ready to make just to keep me happy. Marriage has to be a 2 way thing. Kids aren't on our agenda so I guess thats one big difference for us but ...

So tread carefully but don't feel rejected - if he didn't love you he'd not be with you.

Hiya, I've been with my other half for 13 years (we actually first met 13 years ago tonight) and we got engaged last August and are getting married next December. He was 29 when he proposed and for a long time it was me pushing the wedding more than him. I think in the end he saw all his friends growing up and gettng engaged and he fely more like the odd one out not doing it. Especially as we had been together longer than anyone else. I used to get really upset about the lack of more commitment but at the end of the day its a joint decision and not one that should be forced by one side.

I'd explain how you feel in a calm way and see what his response is.

Hello

I have been with my bloke 11 years, and am 27. I felt exactly like you describe right up until he proposed.

Don't feel bad, he may surprise you when you least expect it. You should make sure he is aware of how important it is to you and let him come round to it in his own time. It may be emasculating to not let him propose etc when he wants. I found it helped to focus in what is good in my relationship rather than the issue of getting married.

Incidently I don't think you are being silly at all, and its not just a piece a paper - even from a legal perspective it gives you all sorts of protections and tax breaks which are worth having.

Good luck - your time will come

Hi Jen!

I do feel sorry for you, but you can't force him to marry you!

Of course it's more than a piece of paper - but it's more to you than that, and if it isn't to him then if you keep on at him about it, it's just going to make things worse.

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, but it sounds as though you have to make a decision. Is being married more important to you than having this loving relationship. If it is, then maybe you have a hard choice to make.

I bet you'll feel better about this in the new year.

(also - I have to say this: Is a wedding planning forum really the best place to hang out if it's going to make you sad?)

I hope that things are better in the New Year for you!

Ali x

Jen

I am in the same boat as you, H2B and I have been together 12 yrs this coming April, he has always said marriage isn't important to him, this will be his 2nd marriage, he said that his soon to be x wife arranged everything the 1st time round.

History is repeating itself cos he hasn't even picked a best man yet (even though we are getting married in 2010..plenty of time to sort that out ?), I have booked the venue, florist, cars, he helped with the photographer (a friend of his)...I really just don't feel that he is that interested at the moment cos anytime I bring the subject up she just shrugs, gruntsl prentends he hasn't heard me etc etc.

He knows that I have my dress, BM's dresses and a few other bits and peices, I do have a feeling deep down though that he will get a bit more interested closer to the time, maybe it will be the same for your man....he will probably be more nervous than me on the day ?

HTH

Many thanks girlies.

Im just so confused.

I have to agree with AliLindsey on this. I got married last November and it wouldn't have been half as much fun without Hitched!! But now whilst I love being married (and its so much more than a bit of paper), I feel a bit sad that I'll never have the experience again so I'm sort of not spending as much time on here because I have jealousy pangs!!! Sounds really stupid but there you go. Its getting easier though because now I would like to think I can help but if you're desperate to get married (desperate is a strong word - and I don't mean it badly) this place could make things worse!

That said you really can't force him into it. The more you push the more you risk pushing him away. I had a bridetobezilla spat the day before my H proposed ?. We'd been together for 7 years and I just felt like it was never going to happen. I was a complete cow - little did I know he had the ring in his pocket and was planning on asking me the next day on my 30th. I'm surprised he still asked because I was horrid.

So after all that rambling, the moral of the story is don't push it. You never know what is around the corner.