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Emma
Beginner March 2023 Durham

Parent struggles with planning

Emma, 2 of August of 2021 at 11:17 Posted on Planning 1 7
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If anyone can provide some advice, I would greatly appreciate…


So my dad and step mum kindly offered to pay towards mine and my fiancé’s wedding. Initially as much as £10,000 which we greatly appreciated. However, although we weren’t told when this was offered but we expected and we were ok with to an extent, this seemed to come with some compromise from us.
My dad wanted me to, his only daughter, get married where I’m from. He is a traditionalist and I understood this. I don’t like any venues back there and me and my fiancé found the perfect venue where we live, an hour and a half away from my dad.
He didn’t like this and initially didn’t want to know about this place. After a lot of tension, he came round to the idea…ish! It now feel like he is trying to find issues with the venue. My step mum has not been very helpful to me at all and I have got into arguments with them about this. Last night my dad said that he is a very important part of this day, as important as my fiancé.
I am so stuck with what to do and since I got engaged last year, I have not enjoyed any of the experience so far as I feel like they are being difficult.
Me and fiancé are now talking about declining the kind offer and paying for it ourselves to prevent any further relationship fall out.
Please, anyone, can you give me your advice?
Thank you.

7 replies

Latest activity by MrsRtoH, 3 of August of 2021 at 16:59
  • W
    Beginner July 2022 Surrey
    Wedfest ·
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    So sorry to hear you are going through this when it should be something fun and exciting to plan. Not very fair of them. It's so so tricky with family and money involvement as well. I think if it's causing you more stress and pain than it's worth perhaps declining the money and having a more budget wedding would actually make you much happier? We were also offered some money from my parents and decided to decline it as we were worried about expectations or even small things like them having an influence on the guest list. In the end they have offered to pay for a couple specific things like the dress and cake. You could try that approach with your dad and offer him to pay for something specific (maybe less than the full 10k) that you don't mind his involvement in and then it won't feel like they can influence the whole rest of the wedding? And he will still feel important in that element. This could be photographer / music / food / drink etc. But if things are already stressful the best thing might be to politely decline altogether.

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  • Emma
    Beginner March 2023 Durham
    Emma ·
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    Hi,


    Thank you for replying. Yes I actually came into work this morning feeling physically sick with it all. I know my dad wanted to invite some of his friends which is fine, had spoke with my step mum about having half the invitations come from him without even speaking to me about that and other things that have just really upset me.
    My fiancé spoke with him about it who is better than me at being more direct and my fiancé told him how upset I’ve been etc and he just said that he was also very upset.
    I don’t want to hold off with the wedding planning as it is very exciting and want to marry my fiancé next year but I think we may have to save up a lot more first. I think telling my dad that will be an issue. I like the idea of paying for specific things rather than a good chunk of the whole day. I just don’t want my relationship with him to be effected too much by this as we have always had a good one.
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  • Marcie
    Rockstar August 2021 Bristol
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    I think if they are going to pay for most of it they sound like they will want a lot input about the day. You need to have a frank chat to your dad and step mum and say whilst you appreciate their very generous offer to pay you still want a day if your choosing. Maybe give them small jobs to do that you are not to fussed over or you may have to pay it for it yourselves. Good luck x
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  • Sarah
    Dedicated September 2020 West Sussex
    Sarah ·
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    Why oh why do parents/family think that gifting money to your wedding means they get any input at all!! It just boggles my mind!

    I’m sorry your getting stressed with this, your are not the first and won’t be the last.

    I know it can be so hard having these conversations as you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings when they are being generous with a gift. However if it is exactly that, a gift, it shouldn’t come with conditions on how you and your fiancé choose to send it for YOUR WEDDING!If there are conditions about guest you wouldn’t choose to invite, type/location of venue etc then I would say thank you but you want to decide on your day the 2 of you.
    I know some families who gift don’t want to just transfer money and it not be spent on the wedding and if that’s the case as you choose and book suppliers let them know the cost so you can be sent that amount for that supplier.
    It’s great to hear how supportive your fiancé is being, stay strong and don’t be afraid to tell themhow you feel, you should be loving this time x
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  • Emma
    Beginner March 2023 Durham
    Emma ·
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    Hi,
    Yeah they definitely do. For the last 8 months I’ve just been so down with it all and this is the last things I want to feel at such a great time.

    Yes I think that is a good idea. I just hope it goes down ok!! Thank you x
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  • Emma
    Beginner March 2023 Durham
    Emma ·
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    Hi Sarah,


    I totally agree. I would never do anything like this to my own kids so it’s really confusing. They aren’t trying to upset me on purpose of course but it’s all just too much.
    Families can certainly be difficult. This isn’t the only issue I’m having. My step mum said she wouldn’t be coming because of a fall out we had although who knows if she even meant that. It feels like a guilt trip.
    Thank you. I’m trying day by day. X
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  • MrsRtoH
    Savvy October 2022 Merseyside
    MrsRtoH ·
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    Hiya Emma! I have had the same run ins with my mum... not about location but I've had my fair share of difficult conversations.

    I think you need to sit down with your dad and try to have a calm conversation with as limited emotion as possible and explain to him how his actions are making you feel. Being as clear and articulate as possible. Write it down. Explain that for you, the venue is at the top of the list for importance and that its what you feel people will remember and so on (expand on however you feel) and say that his requests to have it local to him in your home town are putting limits on your dream day because it just doesnt have the right feel. Try to put a different spin on it, try to expand on how important it is for you and that really its no skin off his nose to have it local to you, he'll have a nice weekend away and it'll be lovely. Or you can even go down the route of where you live now feels more like home and it feels right to do it there? I don't know, just brainstorming...

    If he still sticks to his guns then tell him that you will be declining the offer of money donation (if that's what you want).
    Good luck Chicka! x

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