parents - invitations - nightmare!

Just say no!! In honesty sit them down, explain the situation, show them that if they do this, the ratio will be totally unfair if you do it there way. You need to be firm and stand your ground because if you start giving in now it will only get worse as it gets closer and closer.

I just feel bad telling my mum she can't invite her nephews (my cousins). They say i'm choosing his family over ours.

But 28 for his side isn't fair right? It doesn't matter who's paying.

Say no and explain how unfair it is, easier said than dine, but just because they are pzying for the weddi g doesnt mean they have bought all rights to make the decisions! x

How about you drop 7 friends and invite OHs cousins as your friends ?

No seriously though I think it's time to have the tough conversation with your parentsand maybe tell them that while you are grateful that they are paying at the end of the day it is you and OH that are getting married and your day, and if you can't have your choices then thanks but no thanks

Maybe say that u only want people there that you both know, that way it should shave off a couple of poeple like the 2 cousin twice removed and theyr cat hehe or maybe his family will pay for the extra that way ur parents cant really kick off... hope you get it sorted! guest lists are always stressful and pleasing everyone will never happen xx

Firstly, I don't see how they can't agree, if you want to pay for extra people then you pay for extra people, end of. They cant stop you doing this. You are going to have to explain that although you appreciate them paying, it's you and your OH's wedding and his family is just as important! As are your friends. To be honest I would say that if it's going to be this difficult you would rather refuse their money and save up and pay for it yourself. I think you need to get tough, else it'll be your parent's wedding, not yours.

Surely they can drop 'their' list to have your OH's family, which is clearly more important to you both. It's your wedding and not a night out for your parent's social circle. If I was your OH, I would be thinking it's all more hassle than it's worth - it's his day too, your parents must realise this. Your parents are being totally unreasonable - this is why we're paying for our own wedding. The budget is tiny, but it is OURS and nobody else's. I sympathise with you, but you need to have a frank discussion with them. Until I joined this forum I didn't realise it was the norm for parents to invite their own friends...I think it's madness!

I do know that's what I need to do. It's what I should do.

But I've been though it all with the venue. We had so many arguments, it was bloody awful - my relationship with my parents has never been so bad as it was during 'venue-gate'. Not sure I can face that again.

Plus my dad has bad health issues and I don't want to cause extra stress and worry.

I'm at the point of opting out and just saying "do what you want", "just plan it as you want it". OH has already pretty much opted out already!

And when I tried to reason with them, they said "the wedding list is the responsibility of the bride's parents"!

Wow! Sorry, I know they are your parents and they are putting up the cash but I think they are out of order. The wedding is about you and your OH, not them. If it was me I would be very firm and tell them that it was a 50 / 50 split between yours and OH guests (of course you could include some of their choices in your half) and that if they don't agree, then you will just have to refuse their kind gift and finance it somehow yourselves. Perhaps explaining that you don't want to look back and regret it in years to come, as your OH may feel hes been sidelined. Hopefully, it would only need to be an idle threat, enough to make them see reason but be prepared to go through with it, because you probably will regret it if you end up doing everything their way.

This

Tell them how you feel and what you both want. If they don't agree to your wishes give the money back and finance it yourself. I'd rather wait a few years and save up than spend the day surrounded by people I didn't really know and my OH having no involvement at all.

Aww

We don't live in the 1960s anymore - the wedding list is the responsibility of whoever you decide!

I understand about your dad's health. However, we all have to reach compromises whether we are ill or not and you cannot take responsibility for this, you just can't. Don't let people use this as a stick to beat you with. Your own health will only suffer in the long run.

You are an adult, and your parents need to respect that. Why don't you look through some wedding forums or blogs with them to show them how different people do things - its not set in stone that certain things have to happen a certain way.

You can not please everyone. But the one person you need to try and please is your OH (and yourself obvs), since you will be spending the rest of your lives together. If it starts like this, then that will be no good for either of you.

Since you're not getting the wedding you want either, it would probably be more fun to elope, hehe

I would be fuming to be honest ☹️ My parents are paying for the ceremony, venue, transport, food and drink (we're doing outfits, photographer and band) and if they started dictating who to invite and who to uninvite from OH's family I'd be putting my heels in. Its bad enough that they cuased a fuss over the venue where you want to say your vows; but the then say who they want and not want to be there to witness is even worse ☹️

Unfortunatly, closed-minded uncompromising parents are hard. OH's dad is a right ol' pain in the back side. I really wouldn't mention it to your OH's family yet, you don't want to start any arguements between them. I can understand them wanting to invite more family to even them number, but I'd remind you parents its the joining of two families and if they would rather your friends be there than some of his family members then they do seem to have their priorities wrong.

The only other thing I can think of, as a last resort, is could you possibly offer that they arrange the ceremony, and then you sort out the reception yourselves? As in you pay and organise yourself, so you can invite who you want. If money is tight, you can still have some pretty decent receptions on a budget. If you don't fancy village halls, most pubs, which a lot of country pubs are beautiful, can offer you a room for free - they've obviously got the staff to serve drinks and good prices (rather than hotel prices) and to collect glasses. You could lay your on buffett, or get a hog roast or BBQ for cheap too.

Please don't opt out and say do what you want, you will only regret it and end up resenting your parents for it, I sympathise with you about your dad, but if he feels well enough to arge with you to get his way, you shouldn't then tip toe around him when it's the other way around. It's your and your OH day and it shouldn't be a case of just keeping the peace it should be the day you and you H2B want to remember forever and remember for all the right reasons.

I don't really know what to say as I have been quite lucky and my parents, although giving us a lot towards the wedding, haven't asked anything of us of the guest list.

However, if they did, I would be telling them if their money comes with conditions, then thanks but no thanks.

This is your wedding, not theirs.

Couldn't agree more

SAY NO. Politely explain to your parents that it is your OHs day too, so he is entitled to have his family there. If you and OH agree on who to invite (whether even numbers or not) then that is all that matters.

Not that it'll help much, but when we looked at numbers, it worked out that I had 19 family members, OH had 39, so way more than me, plus most of my friends were also his, but I wasn't fussed, they were the people we wanted.

Please don't let your parents dictate what you have for your wedding, I agree if they are paying you need to take their opinion into account, but they gave you there list, they cant make you take his family off now, it isn't fair if you both want them there.

Wow just wow theres no words for that!

Why arent they letting you pay for the extra guest? sounds a bit too controlling for my liking i would be telling them to keep their money if im honest if you arent going to put your foot down your going to regret YOUR day!

Have you picked your dress yet is your mum having a say in that?

This! Its your wedding you don't even need to tell them this is what you are doing!!

Seriously though I wouldn't even let it get that far just say no remind them its your wedding!!!

Firstly, I am really sorry that you’re going through this. Stuff like this really takes the Fun and Joy out of wedding planning.

There is not really much more I can add as I second most of what has already been said. I personally think that is unfair that your parents are putting you in this position and that they are expecting your OH to only have 28 guests out of nearly 100. I don't think anyone gets the perfect 50/50 balance as families are different sizes etc but it needs to be fair and there needs to be compromise. From what I've read it doesn't seem that your 7 cousin's were on your parent's 'list' to start with so I wonder why they are suddenly so important? It seems that it is having a real impact on how you and your OH view your wedding and that is really wrong, so I think you do need to talk to your parent's about this and reach an agreement.

While I wouldn't personally compromise on my guest list, I understand why you feel the need to tread carefully with this one. Is there any way you can go to the 'negotiating table' with your parent's and stand your ground on the guest list but offer them free reign on something else like the cake or the transport? I know you shouldn't have to but sometimes you do have to pick your battles and prioritise things.

Also, while I do believe that you need to stand up for yourself on this, you do have to be careful. If you are going to threaten to pay for things yourself, you have to be prepared to back this up - an idle threat could make things worse because if you don't follow through with it this may give them the green light to dictate more further into the planning. Only you will know the best way to handle your parent's but it is important that you stand up for the day you and your OH want otherwise you will end up with the day your parents wanted when they got married.

I hope you can sort this out so that everyone is happy with the outcome (and at the very least you & your OH).

Thanks everyone for your advice. At least now I know that I wasn't being unreasonable!

Anyway, now a monumental argument has been had. They aren't going to pay for anything. Now we're stuck with a venue we would never have chosen if we knew these were the circumstances.

Deposit paid but no way we can afford the venue. Pretty sad really.

Thanks everyone for your advice. At least now I know that I wasn't being unreasonable!

Anyway, now a monumental argument has been had. They aren't going to pay for anything. Now we're stuck with a venue we would never have chosen if we knew these were the circumstances.

Deposit paid but no way we can afford the venue. Pretty sad really.

Aw no thats awful. i hope they're pleased with themselves. If things had reached this stage with me I'd just go to the reg office with people I wanted there and stuff your parents.

Have they paid the deposit or you? I know this sounds awful but I'd be inclined to forget about that venue.

I know it seems tough right now but this is probably for the best. If your parents would withdraw their contribution because you wanted your OH to be able to choose which family members he invites then imagine how controlling they would have got further down the line.

Smile: you have your wedding back!

They paid it. We're going to have to forget it as we really don't want to blow all our savings on a big fancy hotel. Bloody church, band, flowers booked too!

Oh dear.

Still if the money came with that many conditions we're better off without it.

Looks like a rather longer engagement than we planned!!

Is there no way you can keep your booking with the church, band etc and just have a lower key reception somewhere you can afford? If you get to invite everyone you want then you probably won't care too much where it is?

Hope you manage to sort something out. Your parents sound like they've lost sight of what the day is about.

This.

I'm really sorry they've behaved like this. I find it uncomprehendable how people can act this way about their own child's wedding.

Youve done absolutely nothing wrong in all this.

Why don't you give us details of date/area/numbers? Maybe one one on here can suggest something.

Agree with Kharv. You now have complete control over your wedding. My Mum told me her mother organised every aspect of her wedding to my Dad, and even now 28 years later and after divorcing him it still makes her sad when she thinks about it! Far far better to wait a little longer or have a smaller wedding to have who and what you want.

I would give things a while to cool down. When they realise that you are not going to go back and beg them to pay they may approach you in a more reasonable manner.

This. If its more important for your parents to have an excuse to throw an extravagant party rather than for you and your OH to have the wedding day you want, then maybe it's best if you save up and organise the wedding you would like. Money should be a lovely contribution not a condition on how you have your day. As someone else said, they seem to have lost sight on what the day is about.

My heart goes out to you - you're organising the most special day of you life, everyone should be helping not hindering.

Some options:

1) name and shame your parents - give us their names and address and we can all write to them!

2) is there much left to pay at the hotel? is there any room for negotiation with them as to what can be done re menus etc?

3) can you sell the venue on? I might be being naive?

4) wait until things calm down and see if your parents see things in a different light

5) is there anyone else who can talk to your parents about it to see if there is some way of sorting? surely they don't want to lose their money - I feel it is cutting their noses...

6) start planning what and who you want to attend and try and work out what the costs would be, you might still be able to make use of the things you have already booked and paid for

I do hope things get sorted and that your parents come round, I was going to say and that you reach a compromise, but I'm sorry i don't think you should have to. This is your big day, you're the special one, it is all about you, not Beryl from bowling or Gerwin from golf.

Bug hugs x

Have you invested any money yourself?