Parents not contributing?

My mum paid somewhere between a third and half of our wedding costs, but my H's mum didn't contribute anything, and it wasn't ever discussed. I know my parents are better off so I wasn't bothered. We were prepared to pay for everything ourselves, so my mum's contributions were very gratefully accepted. I think you just gotta accept that they can't/don't want to pay for whatever reason and not dwell on it, then if they do offer something further down the line, it'll be a pleasant surprise.

My parents paid for my entire wedding the first time round but that was in 1990 when it was still expected to be that way. These days things have changed a great deal and your wedding really is your responsibility. My feeling is you should always budget for the whole wedding yourselves and anything offered on top of that is a bonus.

Also, don't start comparing families - we're all different with different ideas, traditions and beliefs so no two families will react in the same way.

Thanks for the reply,, yeah that sounds exactly like what I should do,, I won't dwell on it because they mean so much to me n like I say we're very close

None of our parents are rich at all, but my patents are more well off than his mum, & I think that's what got me thinking they might help out a little because she did.

Ive had a lovely weekend, my emotions must just be acting up a bit! Thanks for the advice! X

We have been very lucky, my Mum has paid for most of our wedding & our honeymoon, my Dad paid for my dress and my in-laws paid for the 5 bridesmaids dresses, half towards the suit hire & the flowers.

I very much appreciate what they have done for us. I expect if your parents decide to contribute it will be a lovely surprise, maybe they aren't in the position to do that at the moment but they may decide to offer something in the coming months.

Enjoy your wedding planning. xxx

My parents contributed and they said they would give us money from the day we told them we were engaged. It was a small amount but they contributed more to my first wedding so it was more than I expected. My in laws have said they would contribute but it was going to be in the summer. I am grateful don't get me wrong but by that time everything will have been bought/paid for. When I told my parents that I had just set up a wedding bank account they instantly sent the money. Just wait. They will give it when the time is right

My mum gave us a contribution towards our wedding which was lovely and totally unexpected. We had originally scrapped the photobooth & chocolate fountain to get the photographer we wanted but thanks to my mum we could afford both.

I know traditionally parents were expected to pay but I guess times (and families) have changed. There is no 'tradition' anymore in my opinion. This is something I'm very conscious of. Especially when talking to couples about their group shots. The family dynamics are often quite complex.

Anyway, in answer to the original question you really have two choices. If you don't want to say anything to your parents then the only alternative really is to wait til you do buy the dress then see if your parents swoop in with the credit card or not.

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really appreciate it. I was starting to feel really guilty for having these thoughts but it's nice to know other people have experienced similar things

And you're right, they may not be on a position to contribute at the moment and I would never want them to feel under pressure.. We have budgeted to cover everything ourselves and it will be a pleasant surprise if they offer something at a later date..

I'm very close to my mum,, but my parents are very laid back,, I bet it just hasn't crossed their minds! Xx

We are the same as you and wanted to pay for it ourselves. My mum is making the cake for us and has said they want to give us some money on the wedding day. OH's mum has said the same about money but keeps asking if we want it before the wedding to help pay for things, which is lovely. OH's dad kept telling us they were saving up money and said they would help us out lots but haven't.

My dad did similar to yours...after the dress was purchased (my mum came but he didn't so hasn't even seen it) he kept telling everyone that he almost had a heart attack over the price and jokes how it broke his heart paying that much for one dress. It upset us a little tbh because he is letting everyone think he'd bought it as per tradition when in fact it we'd paid for it!!

I guess ultimately, just be proud that you've done it all yourselves. And because no one else has contributed financially then you don't have to let them have a say on guest list, table plans etc, which will make life tons easier for you.

xXx

We never expected any help in anyway, so it was a nice surprise when my OHs parents have us some money towards it, my dad has said he'll pay for our honeymoon. My mum would like to help but she does not have any money to contribute and I don't hold that against her, she's retired and doesn't have much savings. she said she'll buy me my jewlery or something like that, but I don't want her to struggle, I'd rather she just enjoy the planning with me and enjoy the wedding.

If our parents did not offer to help, I would not even ask if they were contributing.

We planned to pay for it all ourselves. OH's grandparents gave us our venue deposit, which was incredibly kind of them, and helped us a great deal. I think they just wanted us to be able to set a date!

My grandma has offered to pay for our cake, which again is very kind of her. FMIL has said she will help, but she can't at the moment, and I understand. She lives in Australia, so it's not as easy for her. My mum was freaking out about costs, but we never asked her to pay for anything. I tell her we'll do DIY invites and she says "just pay to get them done properly" but she's not the one paying!

We're going dress shopping and she made a comment along the lines of "you'll try the one on, and I'll tell you just to get it" and the way she said it implied she'd pay. My dad isn't involved so he has no contribution.

We are prepared to pay for it all ourselves, any help we are offered will be gratefully accepted, and will come as a pleasant surprise!

x

We are paying for our wedding entirely ourselves. No contributions from parents, grandparents etc.

If there's been a bit of an ongoing joke about payment of the dress I can understand a feeling of wanting to know one way or another if they are planning to contribute at all. Otherwise I can imagine it becomes a struggle to budget properly or know where to spend your money. Sometimes people don't realise just how far in advance deposits and things need to be put down, so could they be holding off?

I think if it was hinted at but nothing seemed to be coming of it, i'd feel a little frustrated. Not because i'd be expecting any help, but because it's nice to know where you stand. I think all you can do really, unless you want to bring it up is to continue as you were and plan to pay for everything yourselves. That way, if anything is offered it's a nice surprise and you may be able to treat yourselves to something extra.

Neither my parents or oh's mum has offered us any help at all so we're just getting on with it and funding the whole thing ourselves. In fact if I want my mum to come to my hen looks like I'm going to have to pay for it because she can't afford it.

We're also paying for our wedding ourselves as that's what we wanted to do from the beginning. My OH's parents are not able to contribute which we totally understand. Everything here is about 5 times as expensive as it is in Poland! My parents have said that they will contribute something towards the big day and we're very grateful for that but it wasn't expected as we had budgeted to cover everything ourselves.

I would be miffed if it was hinted at though and noting happened. I don't think I could bring it up either tbh, I hate awkward money conversations! If you do want to know where you stand though, you may have to.

x

My parents are paying for the wedding reception and evening do…all at the same hotel. They have also bought my dress. My mam want a photobooth (we aren't fussed as there is other stuff we want instead) so she's said she'll also pay for that!

We're paying for everything else - so that's prob about a 50/50 split. No honeymoon though :-(

Nothing has been mentioned from OH's parents…yet. I would hope they would contribute. I know they paid an awful lot toward FSIL's wedding 5 years ago as her in laws didn't contribute because they weren't getting married locally!

Then FSIL and H separated after 3 years ? So I don't know whether there miffed about that and decided they're not contributing to ours…

We shall wait and see. There's still just under 18 months to go ?

No I doubt I'll bring it up, don't want to sound like a spoilt brat!

I think because of the continuous jokes I presumed they might have been contributing towards the dress, but that's my own fault for jumping to conclusions!

but for the last couple of week my dad kept on saying "how much do dresses cost? I'm gunna have an heart attack!" And all week before the appointment my mum kept on saying my dad wanted to come to the dress shop n he'd drive! We joked that he couldn't come cus he'd probably get us chucked out trying to bargain the price down!

with all these jokes I kinda thought they were gunna offer a contribution! But honestly I don't mind... They do more for me in other ways!, especially my mum xx

We were incredibly fortunate that my parents immediately bore the cost of the wedding - my dad is very traditional and had always had money set aside for my wedding, which is very sweet. Unfortunately in their heads, they have given us a "big" budget and they want everything we do to reflect that - but in wedding world, it's actually a mid-size budget, which don't get me wrong, is amazing and I'm very grateful, but we've struggled to make it stretch as far as they wanted it to! They also (very unexpectedly) paid for my dress, which I was assuming would come out of the original budget. We've also saved a significant amount, but even then we were struggling to bring it in under-budget qith all of their demands (venue, food and tog alone was 80% of our budget!) H2B's parents offered to contribute multiple times, so in the end we gave them a choice of paying the tog balance, the flowers, or the church (each bill would've been around£500) - and they ended up giving us about 4 times that much! Which was very unexpected but has meant that we will now come back from honeymoon without debt, which is awesome. We've been very lucky, but it has brought it's own problems as everyone thinks they have a right to a say in the day - which i'm ok with up to a point, but can get tricky!

I think you should always plan to pay for your own wedding and any contributions are a bonus.

That said I can understand you being on edge given your parents comments about the dress. If they say something again, could you follow it up even in a jokey way?

Tea for Two - I'd be furious if my dad pulled that stunt. Not because he should pay but because it's dishonest. I'd be telling him to put up or shut up. And that if he continues to mislead people you'll be putting them straight.

My parents did pay for my dress - I was at the till when mum pulled out her card and told me they wanted to pay. It is an evening dress and was in the sale so not expensive but I really appreciate the gesture. They also paid for my hair accessory and are paying for my junior bridesmaids dresses so about £500 in total. All unexpected and much appreciated. They haven't told people they've paid for my dress, but I have.

OH lost his dad when he was 3, last year his mum had a massive stroke and is in a nursing home unable to communicate. We don't even know if she understands we're getting married. It will be tough for him and we both just wish she could be there, it puts money into perspective.

Enjoy the planning, have what you can afford, and focus on what's important.

Thank you! You're right, The most important thing is I'm lucky enough to have everyone there I want.

and if any more jokes are made (which I doubt cus I've already paid) my partner said to joke back n call him a tight arse!

By the way, I've still got over a year until the wedding so they may surprise me yet,, but I honestly don't mind if they don't x

thanks everyone xx

You have the right attitude. enjoy your planning,

We've paid our own. My parents have given us a sum of money which covers my dress, but we didn't ask for it and wouldn't have expected it. H2Bs parents keep saying they will give us money...usually only in front of my family which really irks me. I don't want money from them, but don't do the 'big I am' in front of my family saying things like 'Oh, just send us the bill for the flowers and suits...' then texting afterwards to say it's too much really. There was talk early on from H2B about paying for his sister's accommodation then more talk about suits for his nephews, which I'm glad to say got put to bed. (She is a bridesmaid. I'm paying dress, shoes, make up and hair).

My sister is making my cake, which I'm really grateful for. She makes lovely tasty cake and it will feel so much more special that she is doing it.

I'm much happier that we are paying for it. I don't feel any obligation towards anyone for the choices we are making. Everyone has the right idea for their advice...treat any help coming to you as a bonus but don't count on it.

The comments would bother me.

Mr Ash's parents (his dad in particular) insisted on contributing. However, my parents couldn't contribute. Rather my parents would want to contribute and would try to contribute to match Mr Ash's parents but would be in serious financial strife. I ended up having serious talks with Mr Ash's dad to back off on his "need" to contribute. It also meant when we made decisions, we didn't have to consult either set of 'rents. Considering we uninvited Mr Ash's sister - I think this saved us more stress.

I would discuss the comments with your dad and just ask him not to make them. That's all.

We've paid for everything. My parents are no longer with us and OH father gave us £500, but not specifically for the wedding but gave us a cheque (although he does this every 6 months or so).

We didn't expect anyone to help with anything and they haven't. Its 2/3 time around for us; so we felt it was a bit different.

I have been very fortunate and I know I have, with the fact that my parents are paying for the Venue and have paid for half of my wedding dress, however my dad is very traditional and in his words “has been planning this since the day I was born.” However I haven’t wanted to take the p*ss with it as I know he’s a very hard working man and should enjoy some of his efforts himself, so every way possible where we could make the venue cheaper we have gone down that route.

However I would never have expected him to do this nor would I have gone to him with it and we would of happily paid for everything ourselves, although I do know my dad and due to be traditional, if we turned him down he would have been very offended by it but wouldn’t of shown it. I will never forget how lucky I have been.

H2B family is not adding to the cost like my father is but they are adding to things another way which is so lovely. H2B mum is saying she wants to save and put some money behind the bar so everyone can have one drink and H2B father is making our wedding cake. Everything else me and H2B are paying for, so decorations, invites, the rest of my dress, flowers, suits, photographer, videographer, bridesmaids, flower girls ect. H2B and I will at least my parents by ¾.

I would just be happy if they turned up and enjoyed the day.

We are paying for ours. His mom has offered to contribute to flowers or something, but currently we have declined.

I've never expected my parents to pay for any of it, as my dad told me years ago, if I moved in with a guy before marriage, then we would be paying for the wedding ourselves.

It does mean that we invite exactly who we wish to invite, and organise it all as we want, as its us that's paying for it all :o)

My father is deceased and my mother is a disabled pensioner now in her 70's. OH's parents are also penioners in their 80's.

We are an older bride and groom but it is the first wedding for us both! My Mum has offered cash but I have asked her to put it towards our honeymoon (we have nothing booked yet). His parents wanted to pay for something tangible so are buying the cake for us.

The wedding was always going to be paid for by us. I found it difficult to accept the above offers but I know that we would be struggling without them as we decided (foolishly?!) to give ourselves just 9 months to save and plan a wedding!

This is my second marriage, my parents contributed to neither and I wouldn't expect it. However, I found out from a friend that during late night drinks in the bar at my first wedding, my dad told anyone who would listen that he paid for the entire day!! Absolute bullsh*t! I wasn't a happy bunny to say the least but that's my father in a nutshell! As it happens, he's refusing to come to my second wedding because he doesn't like h2b. I can live with that. :-)

Exactly my situation. We plan to pay for everything and always have done.

Its lovely that your rellys have been able to help out too - they'd rather spend the money (even if they don't have much of it) on you both and your future happiness.

We were originally paying it all ourselves, my OH parents however offered to contribute 1000 which we were very grateful for, when my mum heard she felt she had to contribute something (exact words were "i guess i'll have to give you some then" in a huff) .. I told her she didn't have to of course, it's our wedding so our responsibility to pay for it, but she has started saving money in a jar and is aiming to give us about 300 for our day. She has started to get more excited for it now which is really good, for a long time it was quite upsetting her perspective on weddings/marriage etc We aren't exactly a traditional family so I just wanted to elope, but OH is traditional and so is his family so I knew it would hurt him and his side if we just eloped.

Maybe just ask, "it's okay if you can't but if you can will you be buying something for the wedding?" .. if they say no just smile and say yeah that's okay just wanted to ask in case we bought something you wanted to get us, and if they say yes then it lets you know what bits you still need to budget for Money is such a touchy subject nowadays but if you're careful with how you word it it should be fine. It's hard to know what people think they want to pay for, my friends family is paying their daughters full day, my other friends wedding is funded by both sets of parents, ours is mostly funded by us with a little from our parents, i know a lot who paid it all on their own, one of my friends got married last may and her mum paid their wedding beyond the grave as a wedding present ... their are so many ways a wedding is funded nowadays so it's hard to know what to do and if it's "wedding etiquette" to ask about certain things.. and a lot of it seems to come to money i.e. the old "can i ask for money as a gift" in the invitations etc. Think this falls into that kinda category where it depends on your relationship with the people, how they are financially etc.

Good luck

Perhaps he felt embarrassed that he couldn't pay it for you? So wanted to make himself feel better? He doesn't sound that nice regardless (he should go to your wedding to support you and not be a brat) .. hope he mans up and realises before it's too late x

We're very lucky in that my parents are paying for the venue which is the biggest cost for us. We are paying for everything else. OH thought his parents may offer to contribute something but they haven't. Granted they don't have as much money as my parents but they're not skint and he kind of hoped they would offer to help out in some way. I personally would not be able to have the wedding we are having without the help from my parents.

Paying for wedding ourselves but I find it strange they were joking about what your father would think of the cost of the dresses if he was not contributing to them, after all, to put it bluntly, otherwise it is none of his business (and that sounds rude but am just saying, why else would he care?)

I do think that parents should contribute to weddings where they can. That may cause some controversy. Mine paid quite a bit for my first wedding and are not involved in my second wedding. It is one of those things that I think people should take account of when they have children, it is their role to contribute to their future - by ways of education and weddings.

My wedding money (£1000) was actually given to me about 10 years ago. i was single, they gave it to me as they had received some money and wanted me to have it. there was an understanding that if i could use it for anything i wanted, but that it was essentially their wedding contribution when the time came. they are in their 70s now, and i likely would have refused their help at this point as i would be upset at the thought of them doing without to help fund our day. they have since also offered us £200 towards our minimoon.

fmil hasnt given cash as such, but has helped craft our invites, is embroidering our ring cushion and i sorting all of the flowers and making cake. and not taking money for any of it (so really it is exactly the same!)