Paying for Bridesmaids?!! **Updated**

Oh dear. O can see why you've got issues with this.

The usual tradition is that the bride pays for the BM dresses. However, it's fairly common these days for BM's to buy their own.

I think you need to consider whether you even want to be her BM. It's going to cost you a fortune and by the time she's dragged you through all this you might not find much enjoyment in it.

Have you had a chat privately with any of the other BM's?

I'd be tough with her and explain either she chooses the dress and pays for it, or you choose the dress and pay for it. There's no option for her to choose expensive dress that you will never wear again! And don't let her persuade you that you'll sell it after the wedding. Let her buy it and sell it. They go for a lot less 2nd hand than what you'd think.

I can see why your miffed to be honest. We're paying for ours but two of them are my daughters. My MOH i said get what ever you like but she's helping me out so much that I don't care. I want her to feel good in what she wears. She did get the same dress to start off with but has had a massive dress wobble. I've told her we'll take it back and she can have what she likes. Have you tried screen shotting the dresses you like if it's via email or txt so she can't see wear it's from or how much it is? Also have you brought up with her that you can't afford the dresses she's picked? If you don't tell her she won't know. I wouldn't want my boobs and legs to be on show at the same time either.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I think the bride is. You need to sit down with her and tell her everything you've told us, especially that you just can't afford it all. She's hardly chosen low end dresses at that price!

I do think some brides/couples take the mick with what they expect people to pay for. I am paying for everything for my two bridesmaids and we'll be buying the suits for the groomsmen too. I believe if you're expecting people to wear a certain thing, you pay.

I am paying for the bridesmaids dresses (and have 12 of them to buy) and also for their hair. I have gone for the full lenthg bhs wrap dresses (they are great I see why you like them) in navy. As they are full length I am not buying shoes and they can wear whatever they like. If they want make up done on the day I have said I will pay half. I think asking you to spend so much money is quite insensitive. I want my maids by my side so am happy to pay. I know if budget was an issue for me they would have boughg their own but I would not ever make the spend over 100.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially when you mentioned one of the dresses costing £400. You can't expect people to pay that, particularly when thy probably won't wear it again! It sounds like she's getting a bit muddled with what she wants - one minute saying choose what you like and the next, being quite prescriptive. I would be really upset if one of my BMs felt uncomfortable in a dress I had made them wear - firstly I wouldn't choose something that they would feel comfortable in but I'd also want them to tell me if they really didn't want to wear it. Fair play to you for being able to "swallow" her decision and wear what she seems to have chosen, but it's not fair that the dresses are so expensive. Could she go halves with you for one of them?

I bought my BMs dresses and let them choose - they knew the theme/colour and loved their dresses, I see it as buying them a gift that they can wear again. I couldn't really afford to buy them but they are my best mates and I wanted to treat them. I think you should talk to her - explain how the strapless choice make you feel uncomfortable and also mention the cost. You can easily say it with a little tact.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. She's being unreasonable to expect you to pay that much for a dress and only give you a choice of 5!

We'll be paying for our bm dresses, they certainly won't be costing £200 each I can tell you and I plan to consult each of them in the style they want, after all women come in all shapes and sizes and what suits one woman won't suit another.

Maybe show her a cheaper alternative in a similar colour and style but don't show her the price, just the dress. Make a point of saying you can't afford £200 for a dress. Maybe she is seeing £80 and thinking CHEAP when actually if she just saw the dress without a price she'd think it was reasonable?

Basically don't let the bride bully you into spending money you can't really afford to spend. I'm sure she'll be more than happy to listen to your concerns and accept an alternative cheaper dress if she still feels in control of the situation, but she clearly has a certain look in mind and doesn't want to deviate from that.

Gee that sounds awfully expensive, I think you right that if you are going to spend that kind of money, then you want to be able to wear it again!

You have a plus here, that the dresses don't have to be exactly the same, so look for one as close to her selection as possible, but from the high street. To be honest, to me, all conventional bridesmaids dress all look the flipping same, whether you spend £50 or £500!

I can see her concern about 2 bridesmaids wearing short dresses and 1 wearing a long one (in my eyes I don't see the issue, but I can see why she would, I guess for aesthetic reasons and photos).

You may just have to bite the bullet and go with a knee length one. You might be able to find one just like her expensive one, but with spaghetti straps or something. If not, get a shrug/bolero/wrap, so you can take it off for photos, but wear it otherwise if that would make you feel more comfortable and less exposed. If you manage to find one at a sane price that the bride agrees with, and you are not overly excited about it, then at least you didn't have to spend an arm and a leg.

If it were me, I would go by her criteria, and just look for my own cheaper version and just buy it, rather than constantly checking back with her, as you run the risk of her being difficult for the sheer hell of it, and putting more stress on yourself.

Could you post pics of what she wants? Maybe we could help you find one similar? What colour is she after?

As you asked, my bridesmaids may have to pay for their own (hopefully we can afford to at least go halfers), but they could wear them again, and as they are all going to be dressed differently, they have a lot of freedom to pick what they feel comfortable in (they all have very different body shapes, so I am embracing that), so they don't mind chipping in.

Hope you find a dress!!!

Thanks for all of the replies Ladies, I thought I might have been being silly and should have expected to pay that much for a dress, but it is definitely too much!

The other bridesmaids are her 2 best friends where as I am 'just' the grooms sister, so I don't really get much of a say in anything and they have both now said they are happy to pay for what she wants.

I have really bad eczema on my legs, which she knows about, but often means that I have to go for longer than I should between shaving, or simply cannot shave at all because of how painful it is. Which means I am really self conscious about showing my legs - even if they manage to be hair free, they will be all red and scaly - and nobody wants that in their wedding photos! She knows all this already and when I reminded her was when she said she didnt care about what length the dress was.

The strapless I can live with - just will be hitching the dress up all day!

I am going to give her a call tonight and explain that I simply cannot afford to pay what she is asking, and if she wants me to step down as a bridesmaid then I will (she has already previously told me that she wishes she had stuck with her original line up - just her 2 friends), I don't want to as I want to be part of the day for my brother, and I will still help her with everything, but it is going to cost me a fortune!

Ah OK, I can see why you would prefer a long dress now, and that is more than fair enough, and seeing as she knows this I am suprised that she isn't being more lenient about it...

Yeah just be honest with her, and like you said, if she does get a stick up her arse about it then step down. I know you want to be a part of it all for your brother, and there other ways around that, with readings etc. Or his best woman!

It seems like you wouldn't mind stepping down from what you say in your post, and from what you say it seems like you feel a little singled out compared to the other two, and you shouldn't have to feel like that at all... I hope you to can come to an agreement, and that you can feel like you can stay as her BM

If not, then it seems like you have saved yourself a hella lot of money!

Best of luck hun

I personally think its cheeky to ask someone to pay for their own dress. If people can't afford to pay for the bridesmaid dresses then they shouldn't have as many bridesmaids but that's my personal opinion.

i think she is being a bit unreasonable especially if the cheapest dress is nearly £200 and you wouldn't wear it again x

Initially I asked my bridesmaids to buy their dresses! Then i

said budget was £80 if they found dresses I would pay up to that and they top up the rest! Has it was they were bloody useless searching for dresses so I eventually

found something in budget and paid!!

Since then 2 of them have tried to give me the money for their dresses and think it's ridiculous I won't take it!

I left them to sort out their own shoes, hair, make up and accessories!

3 are wearing shoes they already owned one brought new shoes but never ever asked me to pay!

If your SIL expects you to pay she needs to be a lot more flexible and definately look

at less expensive dresses!

How well do you get on with your FSIL?

I only ask as inget the impression that maybe if she has stated that she wished she had kept to the original 2 bridesmaids, maybe she is making things difficult for you on purpose.

So to speak, that if she knows your issues regarding exzema then maybe she is hoping you will step down rather than her demoting you to a guest and not bridesmaid. That way she wont look like the bad guy if you back down willingly.

Sorry, im being cynical. Just looks that way to me x

^^^This.

But I am also cynical about peoples motives….

The cost she is expecting you to pay is ridiculous, I agree with whoever said it: If you dictate, you buy. If BM's buy, then they choose!

I hope you get it sorted! Have you spoken to your brother at all? He may be unaware of what she is expecting you to pay and also think it is ridiculous and maybe make her see some sense…. Maybe!

I am buying my BM dresses, purely because 3 of them are coming to the wedding from overseas (family), so i feel like they will already be spending a lot to attend the wedding, the least I can do is buy them the dresses! my MOH offered to buy her own dress, but i said no b/c i didn't think it was fair if she was the only one who had to do so. they will provide their own shoes (but i don't care what they wear) and if they want hair/makeup done then they'll have to pay for their own as my budget won't stretch that far!

As for dresses, they are all very different shapes/sizes and they all have their own body hang-ups, so I have specified the fabric and colour but am ok with whatever length/top they want. Personally, i don't like strapless or above-the-knee dresses, but if that's what they think look good, I have no problem with it. I just want them to be happy and comfortable on the day, regardless of who's paying! And I have given them a choice of 2 colours, so they can pick one that suits them.

i don't think youre being unreasonable at all - especially if one of the "approved" dresses is more expensive than her own dress!!

I am buying my BM dresses, purely because 3 of them are coming to the wedding from overseas (family), so i feel like they will already be spending a lot to attend the wedding, the least I can do is buy them the dresses! my MOH offered to buy her own dress, but i said no b/c i didn't think it was fair if she was the only one who had to do so. they will provide their own shoes (but i don't care what they wear) and if they want hair/makeup done then they'll have to pay for their own as my budget won't stretch that far!

As for dresses, they are all very different shapes/sizes and they all have their own body hang-ups, so I have specified the fabric and colour but am ok with whatever length/top they want. Personally, i don't like strapless or above-the-knee dresses, but if that's what they think look good, I have no problem with it. I just want them to be happy and comfortable on the day, regardless of who's paying! And I have given them a choice of 2 colours, so they can pick one that suits them.

i don't think youre being unreasonable at all - especially if one of the "approved" dresses is more expensive than her own dress!!

I am buying my BM dresses, purely because 3 of them are coming to the wedding from overseas (family), so i feel like they will already be spending a lot to attend the wedding, the least I can do is buy them the dresses! my MOH offered to buy her own dress, but i said no b/c i didn't think it was fair if she was the only one who had to do so. they will provide their own shoes (but i don't care what they wear) and if they want hair/makeup done then they'll have to pay for their own as my budget won't stretch that far!

As for dresses, they are all very different shapes/sizes and they all have their own body hang-ups, so I have specified the fabric and colour but am ok with whatever length/top they want. Personally, i don't like strapless or above-the-knee dresses, but if that's what they think look good, I have no problem with it. I just want them to be happy and comfortable on the day, regardless of who's paying! And I have given them a choice of 2 colours, so they can pick one that suits them.

i don't think youre being unreasonable at all - especially if one of the "approved" dresses is more expensive than her own dress!!

I am buying my BM dresses, purely because 3 of them are coming to the wedding from overseas (family), so i feel like they will already be spending a lot to attend the wedding, the least I can do is buy them the dresses! my MOH offered to buy her own dress, but i said no b/c i didn't think it was fair if she was the only one who had to do so. they will provide their own shoes (but i don't care what they wear) and if they want hair/makeup done then they'll have to pay for their own as my budget won't stretch that far!

As for dresses, they are all very different shapes/sizes and they all have their own body hang-ups, so I have specified the fabric and colour but am ok with whatever length/top they want. Personally, i don't like strapless or above-the-knee dresses, but if that's what they think look good, I have no problem with it. I just want them to be happy and comfortable on the day, regardless of who's paying! And I have given them a choice of 2 colours, so they can pick one that suits them.

i don't think youre being unreasonable at all - especially if one of the "approved" dresses is more expensive than her own dress!!

I paid for my BM's dresses and let them choose what style they wanted and felt most comfortable in.

I think if you're asking your BM's to pay for their own dresses you have to give them whatever budget they want to pay and not too expensive, and should let them pick their own styles or at least have a mutual agreement.

She's being very unreasonable and I don't think you should fork out to walk about uncomfortable all day at all.

I used to have really bad eczema, to the point where everytime i stood up i'd split the skin behind my knees. best thing i ever did was stop shaving altogther! i started having my friend wax them for me and used to smother my legs in dermol lotion everynight and wrap clingfilm around them while i slept.. sounds gross but worked a treat for me. I wax my own legs now, using the same stuff my friend works! Still get flare ups now and again if i'm ill or tired but so much better! not sure if that's any help to you, but just thought i'd share!

How did the chat with your FSIL go Brooksy? Are you able to update us?

Just read this, hope that chat went well!

Also intrigued about the outcome of 'the talk' Brooksy!

I have to say that it is ridiculous to dictate a knee length dress, or a strapless dress, without checking with all the bridesmaids first. It doesn't matter who is paying for them!

First question that must be asked is do the ladies NEED a long dress, or straps, or sleeves, or do they have no preference. It is insane for a bride not to listen to personal physique needs, whether they be due to issues such as eczema or large boobs, or due to personal choice because someone doesn't like their fat bingo wings. Once the 'needs' are sorted, you then know what style of dresses to look for.

When I asked my bridesmaids, all said any length, and arms out or arms covered was fine. Two requested "not strapless". So we went with dresses with straps.

When it comes to paying for it, I'd say that if a bridesmaid is paying for her own dress, she really gets the final say, but hopefully would negotiate and find something that 'works' for the bride's image of the wedding.

If the bride is paying for the dresses, as long as the above physique issues have been taken into account, they can be asked to wear a dress identified by the bride. If there are several bridesmaids, you might not ever get them all agreeing on a colour, in which case some of them will have to suck it up, put their big girl pants on, and just wear the chosen dress ?

Oh dear. This is a pickle! I'm paying for my bridesmaids dresses, hair & makeup. Going to tell them to buy their own shows, jewellery & clutch bags. As long as they are cream colour I don't mind what they look like.

I do think the bride should pick the bridesmaid dresses, but if you're going to pay for them then I would assume you get the final choice.....

I personally think it's the better option for us brides to buy the dresses to avoid this kind of situation.

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. If she wants to dictate then she should pay. I have 4 bridesmaids,2 are my daughters. I am paying for dresses,alterations and jewellery. I wanted them to be comfortable on the day so I chose the colours and we all worked together to find the right dresses. It took a while but we all love the dresses and my bridesmaids will look gorgeous and happy on the photos. The adult bridesmaids insisted on buying their own shoes and again we all worked together. I wish I could pay for their hair and makeup but I just cant afford it. They can of course have their hair however they want.

I do not necessarily think the bride should automatically fit the whole bill but if the bridesmaids pay they should be able to choose what style they wear. Who wants a bridesmaid who feels uncomfortable amd has bankrupted herself for the privilege?

Just read all of this, i really hope your chat goes well!! i think it is very mean of her to say to you 'i wish i had kept to the original line up' as a random comment. Rudey. I think if BMs are paying for everything they ought to have more say in what you are buying. This stuff aint cheap! And you are right that she should have been clearer. i would have kicked her by now i think.

I am not paying for my BMs but am somewhere in the middle, i have 2 BMs. One is my sister and one is my best friend. they both offered to pay for their dresses but i was uncomfortable with them paying for everything. I told them i had £200 for BM things which could be for whatever they wanted. So they could have a £195 dress if they wanted (but would need to pay the remaining £95) or a £19.50 one. I asked them to decide on a (matching) dress between them. I showed them a few dresses i liked, off they went on their own and found a lovely BHS dress i would never have picked out but looks great on them both. The dresses were £55 each so they now have £45 left to do what they like. so they can get matching nude shoes if they want, buy make up with it or go off to the hairdressers and get their hair done.

My friend is a make up artist so will come to do everyone's face on the morning. the only thing the BMs will need is a foundation for their skin tone.

I wish i could pay for their outfit, accessories and hair/make up but i just can't! they seem to be happy with the compromise.

Hiya,

I have always thought that it was the bride and groom that paid for the bridesmaids dresses. Maybe that's because the only time I was a maid was for my eldest sister when I was 13 so I wouldn't have been able to pay lol!! I watch a lot of American shows like say yes to the dress bridesmaids and the maids all seem to pay, really don't know if that's an American thing as I was really shocked when I saw the 1st few episodes.

We are paying for our maids dresses as 2 of them are my step daughters and the other is my 20 year old niece (although I did have a "discussion" with my sister cos she wanted to pay lol) but I also see the other side that if you are having adult maids and letting them buy something high street that they will wear again that maybe they should pay or pay half anyway!?

I would just feel bad asking my friends to be bm and then dropping them with a massive bill, maybe that's because all my friends are as skint as me!? lol

Let us know how the talk went, hope it was ok

xxx

Thank you everyone for your kind comments!

So, I managed to speak with FSIL and told her that I could not afford to buy one of her shortlist, and I told her that my budget had been £150 to include shoes and accessories, her first response was to say there is no way you’re skint, you are paying £xxx for your wedding, you must have loads of money, to which I responded that yes, we did have a biggish wedding budget, but only because of generous contributions from both sets of parents, all of our ‘spare’ money was going into savings to allow us to have the day we want...

BUT IT’S NOT REALLY ANY OF HER BUSINESS HOW MUCH MONEY I HAVE – I DONT WANT TO SPEND IT ALL ON ONE DRESS!!!

She then said 'can't your mum pay for it for you?' – Definitely not! My mum is not made of money and she is already working overtime EVERY Saturday and Sunday to give them £5000 towards their wedding. I told her I didn’t think that was an option as my mum was already buying all of her own outfit, paying for cars, hotels etc AND is planning to put £1000 behind the bar on the day as a surprise (I didn’t tell her that bit) - on top of the wedding contribution.

She then told me that I was silly for thinking £150 would be enough, as I am planning a wedding myself so I should know how much things cost, and that I would spend a lot more on my bridesmaids (I have promised my bridesmaid a ted baker dress, because she has always wanted one, and I love her to pieces, so she is getting one – but I am paying for it, as well as her shoes, jewellery, hair and makeup etc...) to which I said, yes but the difference is that my bridesmaid will have total choice over the dress (within the colour pallet of the wedding – which is pastels) and I will be paying for it, she will not have to pay for a thing, I would never dream of asking her to buy pay so much for a dress.

I asked her about the other bridesmaids, and she told me that they were happy to buy from the shortlist, but SURPRISE SURPRISE, they have chosen the 2 cheapest dresses. So the ones I have left to choose from now cost £270, £349 & £389...

I absolutely can’t pay that for one of these dresses, so she said that as the other girls had chosen the cheapest dresses, she would give me £50 towards mine. I appreciate that she is on a tight budget, so I didn’t expect her to offer to pay the dress at all, but giving me £50 would not make a difference to the massive cost of the dresses and everything else.

We left it as – I can’t pay that much for a dress, my budget is £150 and I need to stick to that. I have said that I am going to look around for an affordable dress that meets her specifications, so she has agreed under the proviso that she can veto anything that I choose if she doesn’t like it for whatever reason and if I can’t find anything that I can afford by the end of July, I will step down as a bridesmaid.

If I am honest, I think she is just going to keep vetoing until the time runs out and I will have to step down. Which at this point I think I would be happy to do as she is driving me crazy!

Just to answer a couple of bits that have popped up in the thread – me and FSIL get along brilliantly most of the time, but things have become a bit tense over me being a bridesmaid. When her and my brother first got engaged she asked her 2 friends to be BM, she then made a massive point of announcing to me, in front of EVERYONE that she was not going to ask me to be a bridesmaid, as I would be married before her, and it is not ‘proper’ to have a married BM. Flash to a week later and they set a date 9 months before me and OH have booked for, giving themselves about 6 months to pull everything together (hence my mum working manic overtime to be able to give them money). I thought nothing of it, but my mum said to brother – are you going to have brooksy as a BM now then? As she won’t be married

We never would have assumed that I would be a BM, but it was only because FSIL had announced the reasons for not asking me that mum thought this now meant I would be asked. Brother didn’t know so said he would ask FSIL, as he would like me to be BM.

Couple of weeks later, we are having a family party and FSIL drunk says to me that I am going to be a bridesmaid now – tells me not asks me. I felt a bit uncomfortable about it and said, I would love to be BM for her, but don’t feel like you have to just because I am your OH sister, and because mum asked about it - I won’t be upset if I am not a BM. But she said no, she wants me to be there, so I agreed.

As the planning has progressed it’s been very much them & me on my own, as in, they are all planning the hen together, but I will just get an invite once it is organised. All I know about hen is that it is going to be where she lives (about 3 hours from me and 2 hours from the other 2 BM’s – which I have no problem with, happy to travel to her!). They are both going to spend the night of the Hen at her house together, but I have been asked to book a hotel. On the wedding day the other BM’s are staying at her parents with her to help her get ready, but I have been asked to meet at the venue for 11am, dressed and hair and makeup done. I’ve had to book a hotel for the night before as if leaving from home, I would need to leave at 9am to be at the venue on time, and there is no way I will have hair and makeup done by then!!

It’s odd because I have told her that I am absolutely available to help with whatever she needs, I have helped her and my brother make invites as the other 2 BM’s were too busy, I have driven around all of my side of the family distributing invites, as they all live local to me. I have been to the flower girls house and took measurements, had dresses delivered to my house for them and then took them round to make sure they fit, and then took them to the seamstress to be altered, and I will be going back to pick them up, pay for them and then take them to the girls to make sure they fit. I have proof read all of her invites, guest info, order of service etc. I have helped her find flowers, jewellery, table decorations and cake. And I am the only person who went dress shopping with her as her other 2 BM’s said they were too busy and her mum ‘wasn’t bothered’. I have been to all of her fittings with her, and bought her a veil as she could not afford the one she wanted. But, she only asked me to go with her after everyone else had let her down. So I have been involved, it just feels like I have been excluded from the real ‘bridesmaidsy’ bits, which is a shame – feel more like her wedding administrator than BM!

Sorry for 2 big long posts!!!

She sounds like a bit of a nightmare. She really shouldn't be assuming her wedding planning is gonna be anything like yours. we all have/had different priorities with our planning. Is there anyway you can politely step down without this dragging on any further without dress hunt since it may only cause more 'bad blood' and hard feelings.
I'm a little agast that she has no sympathy at all without another planning bride

*bloody dyslexic typos!*

I am BM this weekend for my friend. She paid for my dress but Ive bought shoes, jewellery, paying to get hair done and having to do my own make up (she is having a MUA).

However, in my planning I have accounted to get everything for my BMs. I will be covering all costs as I've asked them to be up there with me. They will get to chose their dress and what style of hair they want etc but its my treat to them to get it.

I thought if you had a married BM then technically they were MOH?

Anyway, I know what you mean about missing out on all the BM stuff and just being an adminsitrator, I feel the same. I dont know whether its cos I live so far away from her (4 hours) or what. The night of the wedding I am staying in a hotel, the other BMs are staying at her house. She's asked me to be the driver on the day so no heavy/any drinking for me.

I am sure they dont mean it, I suppose its just the stress of putting it all together that they dont even realise they are doing it!

Personally, to me she sounds like a spoilt little brat! Maybe this wedding has turned her into a complete bridezilla but I cant believe she has assumed you can afford it as she thinks your loaded... and suggeating your mum pay for it!! I think you have done everything you can to try and resolve the situation. Sounds like you have been more than helpful in the wedding planning and to exclude you from the.morning prep etc sounds like she is just being spiteful. Maybe you will have more fun being a guest. Xxx