Planning a Wedding When Family Member Diagnosed Terminally Ill

Hi Crista. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I completely understand where you're coming from.

When I got married the first time around, my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer 3 weeks after we'd got engaged. We had already provisionally booked a venue for 20 months in advance but his specialist told him that, if we waited, he wouldn't be there.

Dad called me to tell me what the specialist had said and told me to talk to my then OH about what we wanted to do. I told him there was nothing to think or talk about; we would bring the wedding forward.

We had to compromise on some things (our chosen venue wasn't available at such short notice, for example) and we had to be very flexible with our planning. When Dad was diagnosed, he still outwardly appeared very healthy. His condition deteriorated rapidly, though, and we ended up having to work with the venue to accommodate him for various different things. As an example, he lost the use of his legs 6 weeks before the big day so we had to negotiate wheelchair accessible rooms, cancel the receiving line as Dad would have been horribly uncomfortable sitting when everyone else was standing, and have them do things like leave a space at the front of the ceremony room so his chair could be maneuvered there after Mum, Dad and I had made our way down the aisle. We also had to work with our photographer to get photos which didn't look odd with just one person sitting down.

We also had to accept that if anything happened to Dad before the day, our wedding insurance would not cover cancellation. We knew that, if the worst happened, we would have to go ahead anyway and he would have wanted us to also.

When the day came, Dad was in a hospice. The nurses were incredible. They got him all dolled up in his suit, got him to the venue and had given him medication that helped him last until 8pm before having to go back. It was an incredibly emotional day; I actually walked down the aisle in tears after Dad apologised to me for not being able to give me away properly just as we were going through the doors into the ceremony room!

He died 11 days after the wedding. We got back from honeymoon just in time to spend 3 hours with him before the end.

I don't know if any of that is useful or not or if I've really answered any of your questions. I hope you can take something from my experience.

Sorry to hear of your problem, it is a difficult time that you're all facing.

I think you need to accept as a family that whatever you decide, your FTB will have an impact on the wedding. Either he will be there at the end of his life, or you will all feel the impact of him not being there. In that sense there's no "good" time to book the wedding - it's going to affect the wedding in some way.

If you delay the wedding until after he passes away, a new problem arises... how soon after his death is it "right" to marry?

My friend's FTB died in a freak fishing accident 3 weeks before her wedding. They decided to proceed with the wedding and although it was difficult (especially for the grooms mum) they were glad they did it.

Personally, I would proceed ASAP. You should be able to get a wedding planned within a month. I think you need 3 weeks min for the legal stuff?

If you leave it much longer you will hit peak wedding season and it will be more difficult to get a venue. People will understand why there's a hurry.

PS I photographed a wedding last year that was brought forward due to the FTB's terminal cancer. The bride wanted full coverage and loads of photos of her dad. A few months after her wedding he died, so she had not got around to choosing her album photos as she spent a lot of time caring for him after the wedding. In the end, she asked me to choose all the photos and have the albums made. A few weeks ago, I took the albums to her house for coffee with her, her mum & her sister. They were all crying over the albums, and so happy to re-live the perfect wedding day. Her wedding albums & DVD are a permanent reminder of her dad, she now has hundreds of photos of him that she would not have if they had delayed the wedding.

I can't agree with this bit more. Dad was always the one behind the camera so I have very few photos of him aside from photos from my wedding.

My photographer sent through a link to all the online images a few days after Dad died. I responded to thank him for all the wonderful images he took and told him that Dad had passed and so the photos were even more precious. When he came to our flat 6 weeks later for us to choose the photos for the album, he brought me a three-photo frame of shots of Dad and me as a gift. When we were struggling to narrow our choices down to the 60 for the album (we'd got it down to 72) he said to leave it at 72 and he would include all the photos of Dad for free. I may have cried on him. Just may. ?

I am really sorry to hear of the news you have been given.

If you are having a church wedding may be enquire with the vicar or if with a hotel enquire as to what you can do.

How I can relate to you is that my nan I was very close to and the one thing I wanted her to see was for e to get married or have a great grandchild as she treated me like the daughter she never had. 3 years ago she was diagnosed with cancer, unfortunately last year she lost her battle and sadly died before finding out I was engaged. I to!d her she was not going anywhere as she had to come dress shopping with me. And I will always remember her last words of "love you". So what I am doing is having my wedding day on her birthday 10 sept 2016 so I will have her with me but also we can celebrate our day and her life. Which will always be special.

I think do what you feels right and see whether you can have a blessing or an informal service just so that you htb can have his father see him and you togethe wed.

All the best and hope you are able t find out of you can do what you want xx

I'm so sorry to hear of the situation you find yourselves in.

If I were in your position I think I would like to have a small, intimate family wedding with a nice dinner at a restaurant for the reception asap. You could have it in a registry office, or other small venue, so it wouldn't have to feel like the 'death bed' scenario you mentioned dreading. You already have the dress etc and could book a photographer, florist etc so it would have all the essentials of a lovely wedding, it would just mean you were postponing the work of arranging a big reception. Then follow it at a time you feel comfortable with a church blessing (or whatever ceremony suits you) and a reception - the wedding you had hoped for - with wider family and friends and more of a party atmosphere when you have had time to process what has happened, grieve, and plan. You will always be aware that your FIL is missing, but you can be happy knowing that he shared in your marriage.

I have been surprised since coming to Hitched how many people have 2 'weddings' and for a wide variety of reasons, so you would certainly not be alone in having 2 ceremonies and 2 receptions, and you can do them whatever way round you want - legal wedding first with blessing or humanist ceremony to follow, or visa versa. In our case we live in New Zealand and so cannot meet the residency requirements to marry legally in the UK, but OH's Dad is too ill to travel (although his health has not given us the same time restrictions as you), and we have other family members who could not afford to, so we are having a church blessing and reception in the UK first, then 6 months later a legal marriage and small party with friends in New Zealand.

Such a difficult situation for you and one I too can empathise with. So sad reading all these touching stories too. Lots of hugs to all. The big problem in these situations are you can never have what you want. Life plays it's cruel hand at times and so you do have to think really hard about what you want, what is likely to happen and the stick with your decisions. If life then turns a different card you just have to go with it.

My mum had been ill with lymphoma for a number of years but last year was just awful. She contracted pneumonia 3 times and finally lost the battle in November. The previous two times we were told she might not survive but she pulled through stunning everyone. H2B and I had been together for 5 years when in June last year he decided we aught to get married. He didn't want to get engaged immediately as he wanted to propose properly but he also didn't want a quick wedding. We both knew what we wanted. We were also painfully aware of my mums condition and how precarious that was. We talked and talked for hours trying to think what would be the right thing knowing that whatever we did, ther was every likelihood that mum would not be able to make it. It all seemed so cruel. Should we say anything at all, or wait until the inevitable happened.

In the end, we got engaged in september. We'd said nothing beforehand as she had become ill again later in June and we were battling with ourselves over what was the right thing to do against what we knew we wanted. She had rallied and was comfortable and relatively well at home so we went to see her the day after OH proposed properly to share the news. Mum was overjoyed. She adored my OH and I am so pleased that I have the memory of my mums face on hearing our news and seeing our ring. We told her we planned to get married in April 2015 and where, along with all the reasons why. She said it gave her something to work to and was so pleased. We did consider holding an urgent wedding but it wasn't what we wanted and the chances were she would have been too poorly to make it anyway and I think that would have upset her more. Although she beat this thing for so long, she contracted pneumonia again in October and died in November aged 85. So She would never have made it to our wedding anyway. Whilst incredibly heart breaking, at least we could see mum was truly overjoyed simply knowing we were getting married. We didn't talk much about the wedding as that seemed harsh, but she loved seeing my engagement ring and it was lovely for me to see her so happy about it.

We know we are going to have a massive gap and our day will have sad edges to it, but by the same token, I know she'll be smiling with us.

so my advice is to go with your heart for what you think is the right thing to do for you. I'm sure your FIL2B will be really happy to hear you are planning your future together and that you should arrange the wedding you want.

As others have said, so sorry for you. We have 3 grandparents who are all near the end, one is terminally ill with cancer and might not make it, one has just had a pacemaker fitted and keeps having mini strokes, and the last one has dementia! We've decided, after speaking to them to go ahead. We're having a church wedding. We live in a rural village and the church is lucky if it holds 5 weddings a year! So no problems booking there! It's a shame as it's such a beautiful church. The reception is at a local village pub which has a function room. We've had to make sure everywhere is wheelchair friendly which you might want to consider and we've spoken to the doctors re medication for the day, they can often give some drugs temporarily to help "get them through". Our favours are charity ones linked to their conditions and also to other relatives we've already lost. They are all really excited about the wedding and the grandfather seems to be using it as a goal and reason to keep fighting. To also give you some assurance, although we've been planning for a year, most of the real work has been done in the last month, as such I think you could organise a wedding in 1-2 months easily. It might take a bit of phoning around but I'm pretty sure it can be done. Find local wedding groups on Facebook for potential suppliers, use these forums, look for local wedding fairs etc. if you let us know what area your in and a rough idea of what you'd like, I'm sure posters on here will also help. Good luck, big hug x

I got married a week ago. Other than marrying my OH, the highlight of the day was having my sister there for the ceremony. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer 18 months ago and we are now nearing the end. It's been an awful time but she was desperate to be at my wedding. Her hospital was amazing. They arranged transport and a nurse came with her. An occupational therapist spent hours with her to get her into a wheelchair (the tumour has broken her back so she can't walk). She wore her bridesmaid dress and looked stunning, even though she's clearly very frail. Having her there meant the world to me, and also to my poor Mum, who's obviously dealing with many emotions. One daughter is dying and the other getting married. We all feel like we have bipolar at times... It feels strange to plan your wedding with an enormous shadow over it, and many of the things that get other brides stressed just don't seem to matter any more. I had my hen party in my sister's hospital room. Just the two of us. It would have felt wrong to do anything else.

My advice is to speak to your vicar and see what can be done. People have moved mountains for us.

This has really made me cry, I to am planning a wedding while my best friend and BM has terminal cancer, my grandad has lung cancer and my nan is in hospital with pneumonia. It is a constant whirlwind of emotions completely up and completely down within minutes all the time,

if I were you I would be trying to do something whatever is possible to do something for him to be part of as soon as possible. The time he has left is precious

xx

Sorry no advise but your thread has really touched me. Hope you find the answers your looking for. Your all very brave. Lots of hugs to you all.

xxx

No advice as I am so fortunate not to have been in this situation but wanted to say that this thread has been really moving and I've sat at my laptop crying reading these stories.

Sending you my thoughts at this very difficult time.

I myself have just went through something similar to this. My SIL was diagnosed two years ago with Ovarian Cancer, and she had been told life expectancy of 5 years, and we were dealing with this, and me and my partner have been together 6 years and engaged for what would be 3 years this year. We had originally set a date for March 2015, but in February this year, my SIL's health took a rapid nosedive and we made the decision (much to everyones praise) to bring the wedding forward to June as all the specilists said that she may not last the year, but it would be fine for June....then, on the 21st of February she lost her fight with cancer and passed with us all by her side.

So me and my partner were left, having brought our wedding forward to 7th June (2 weeks on Saturday) for her, but her not to be there, well not physically anyway. I went through quite a lot of emotions about this, but I'm happy i've brought teh wedding forward as it gives the family something to look forward to and something to focus on.

So my advice, as you state, maybe have a small blessing at his bedside so he can see you and h2b married, then have the real thing at another time. Had we had time to arrange something like this, this is what we would have done.

Again, sending you hugs, if you need to talk, I'm all ears xxxxx

All these replies are why forums like Hitched are priceless xx

Thank you, thank you, to everyone! I wanted to write a reply to each of you individually but can barely see through the tears so I'll write just this one to you all. It's been so comforting to hear of your experiences and obtain such sound advice and I am especially grateful to see the photographs some of you have posted of your loved-ones looking so proud of you on your day. That really made me think that we shouldn't postpone it until 'after'.

It's now been said by my MIL that it definitely wouldn't be appropriate to have any kind of celebration/party/dancing afterwards - on the other hand, I've been thinking (not saying though) that 'the 1st dance' and celebrating that we've made our commitment real is not really having a party for the sake of it, but more of a further expression of our love and a chance to feel relief after being nervous, tearful & solomn.

After reading these posts, I now think, that I'm maybe being selfish in thinking that way - and maybe it's not about us and more about just the ceremony and my future FIL seeing us get married, simply that - not the 'big day'. Before, I kept thinking I didn't want to look back on our day and think, 'Oh I wish we could have had a happy celebration afterwards', but now I think, really, that's not what it's about, is it?!

It's hard to think straight when you're in this situation and everybody in the family has a different opinion on what is right and what they want you to do, so I'm sooooo grateful for all of your posts!!

And I'm now thinking that maybe it's more appropriate to have what my OH's M has said she could cope with - just a small ceremony in their country without my friends, aunts, uncles, too many people they haven't met, maybe a meal & I guess trying to smile in photos.... and then have a more celebratory event in my home country at a later date. It would be a much later date though because my OH's M says it's not appropriate to have a party now and when my FIL dies an appropriate mourning period must be a full year or more. I kind of worry how my family and friends will feel about not being included and then being asked to come to something much later....and how I would feel. Well I guess I'd just suck it up, it's not about me. Then again, my elderly grandmothers who cannot travel to see me get married in my OH's native country, want to see me in my dress & a celebration of sorts at least. Gah!

I have 2 questions (at least!) Has anyone here got married and had the 'party/celebration' part a year or more later? How did/would that go?

Is it ok (or bad luck) to wear your dress at a non-legal 'blessing' and then wear it again when really getting married?

Your reply is lovely and I'm pleased you've found some help on here. Just one thing I'd like to add, you said a couple of time 'It's not about me' but the fact is - Yes it is, it's your wedding! And in my opinion, yes it absolutely is about a joyous celebration of your love, but that doesn't have to be OTT or disrespectful of the circumstances.

I think it's wonderful that you are giving so much consideration to your OHs mother, and understandably this is an extremely difficult time for her, but it is also difficult for you and your OH, and I think that however you decide to do it, the wedding absolutely should be about you and your OH, not about her. I don't know you or your situation so I hope you won't find what I am about to say disrespectful, it's not meant that way, but from what you've written it sounds like your MIL has become a little selfish and controlling in the midst of her grief - this should be about you, not about 'what she can cope with' although of course I totally understand the need for sensitivity, tact and compromise.

I don't think it's disrespectful at all to want to include a small celebration and a first dance after your legal marriage - as you say, it's an extension of the celebration of your love, not just a party for the sake of it. I also think it's a little out of order for her to say that your friends and family cant be there. Of course you don't want a crowd but surely for your wedding she must accept that you will want a small group of people who are close to you to be there too. And as for her dictating that you must wait a year before you celebrate - who is she to dictate how long you must 'mourn' for. The truth is you will all mourn your loss to a greater or lesser extent for the rest of your lives, it's just that time takes the sting out of it a little. Whenever you hold your celebration your FIL will be remembered and missed. I'm not saying a year is too long, I'm just saying it should be you and your OH who make that decision, not her.

Superb post, Yorkshire kiwi x

Thank you YorkshireKiwi. That's exactly how a big part of me feels! I don't find what you've said disrespectful. Thank you for giving me ideas to say to my OH when we have our discussion about this tomorrow - your words are how I feel but better put (I'm finding it hard to find the right words).

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, and sorry for everyone else who is too. It's just awful, life can be so cruel.

I know this is completely different, but... OH's Grandad was diagnosed with cancer of the bladder in 2012. He had an operation for his bladder to be removed and a catheter fitted and we thought that would be it, he was such a fit, strong man for his age and had seen two wives battle cancer themselves. Sadly both OH's biological nan and his step nan died of cancer.

We got engaged Christmas Day 2012. OH's grandad was so happy for us and it was the same day he proposed to OH's nan and he found that really special. I can't tell anyone how much we loved OH's grandad, he did so much for us as a couple and took me as his own, I adored him. I used to go round there by myself just for one of his chats, he was an incredible man.

We originally planned on getting married 23rd may 2015. We were told in early 2013 that Grandads cancer had spread and chemo was the next option. We watched as he got weaker, spent weeks in hospital. I remember going round once and the man who used to cycle for 30 odd miles (which I know I couldn't do!) couldn't even open his yogurt

A few months later we got told there was nothing more they could do.

We knew it didn't look good and so we put the wedding forward to 31/7/14 in the hope he would be there. Sadly he passed away in September 2013. Our hearts are still broken over this, and we are doing a special G&T toast at our wedding for him (was his favourite drink).

We have since learned that OH's other grandad is very poorly and in and out of hospital so it feels like we are going through it all over again right now.

I just want you to know that i have been in a similar situation and although the outcome was the worst possible for us the wedding day will still be special as we know he will be there in his own way.

I have to say I agree with yorskshirekiwi and while this is a hard time for your MIL it is also hard for you and your OH. It is SO hard planning a wedding and not knowing if someone is going to make it or not. My OH still cries when we find old guest lists and draft table plans with his Grandads name on. You have to, as harsh as this sounds, concentrate on yourselves in this. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change what is happening to your FIL. We really thought we could beat this and Grandad would be there but he isn't going to be.

Sending you you lots of hugs and vibes hoping and praying for a much better outcome for you xx

Such over whelming positiveness out of such painful stories. There is no right answer and you have to do what feels right to the two of you. I would say though that all these show you never know what is round the corner and need to live for today. You could do the whole thing in a month but the chances are he won't be able to make it anyway because of the travelling. Is the one year morning cultural, you don't say what country? I have had two weddings the full blown church massive reception and the register office meal with for 10 in a carvery to my 2nd husband. I have wonderful memories of both.

Thanks for sharing Hoddy. I know how you and your OH feel. My grandad was also the most amazing person. I wouldn't class myself as religious, but I have felt on occasions his presence, if you will, when I've really needed him. I really feel that he's going to be present at my wedding. I know that might sound strange to other people! Certain spooky things have happened! Including the way my OH and I got together. So, particularly if you guys were so close to your OH's grandad, I'm sure he'll be at your wedding in spirit, drinking his own G&T and smiling. I wish you the very best for your big day xx

I have posted before on this topic, and will refer to my previous answers:

We were in a similar position. We found out that MIL was extremely ill (grade 4 brain tumour, very rare type) about two months before the wedding. It's a dreadful situation to go through, with some horrible, gut-wrenching decisions to be made, and you have my sympathy.

When we learned of her diagnosis, we didn't mention the wedding ONCE for about a fortnight. With so little time to go, and having spoken of nothing else for the preceding year (well, me, at least!), this was a radical change and a very obvious one. We didn't talk about not talking about it, we just didn't. MIL was to have an operation, scheduled for a few weeks before, and I knew that would be the time to make decisions.

Operation time came and went, and she made improvements. We finally discussed what we were to do and were completely honest. Neither of us wanted to postpone. That sounds selfish, but there it is. It was our wedding day, our marriage didn't need our family to be there to make it right or proper, it was about us. If she was to make it there with us, we'd be over the moon. But if she wasn't well enough, we would still want to get married, and understand that maybe the celebration of our marriage would be sadder for her absence.

Boy's family were all in full support (obviously, we didn't discuss this with MIL, everything was geared to geeing her up for it). FIL was adamant we continue, as was SIL/BIL. My family declined any opinion, except to say that they would support our decision.

MIL didn't make it to our wedding in the end (sadly, she lost her battle last Christmas, some 2.5 years after diagnosis). In fact, she had a major stroke on the morning before, and we tried to ignore what the ramifications of this were. Distance restrictions meant we didn't even consider visiting on the morning or during the day (and she was in hospital, which would have been all the more complicated). We had a few wobbles, but a phone call from FIL after the ceremony, to remind us to forget about it for at least the rest of the day, made us determined to have a good time. There were some tears and lots of toasts to her. And our final song - Champagne Supernova - saw Boy and SIL just hugging (and crying) on the dance floor. Fortunately, in our small wedding, everyone understood the situation. Otherwise they'd have looked, well, mental (or utterly hammered.... which they were).

I think I'm trying to say that with all the worry, with all the stress and with all the sorrow, our wedding day was still the best of our lives. We still had a brilliant time, we still laughed and smiled and forgot our personal tragedies for the day. And I know that's what everyone wanted.

I have to agree with Yorkshire Kiwi, this is still your wedding!!

Ive known of similar situations before and the member of family who is ill normally ends up saying how happy it made them to see everyone happy :-)

I do think your MIL seems to be trying to 'tell' you what you can and can't do

Its funny (not haha funny) how things like this make you think.....

My Dad died 9 years ago - a blood clot, so here one minute, gone the next, no warning, no nothing. He is the one thing I want at my wedding that I cannot have. He hasn't met OH, yet I know they would get on like a house on fire. I also know he would be overjoyed to see me as happy as I am.

This thread got me thinking - if he had been ill, if he had known he was going to die, would he have wanted me to have a wedding where I didn't "celebrate" the fact that he had seen me happy, that he had given me away to the person who is going to take care of me for the rest of my life, to the man who is worthy of the love of his eldest daughter, and who gives it back tenfold not only to his daughter but to his grandchildren too?

No, he would have wanted the party to continue. He would have wanted us to raise a glass to him, to listen to his corny speech if he was there, and to mention the fact that we'd got away with not having to listen to his corny speech if he didn't make it.....!

He certainly would have HATED it if we had stopped having fun, just because he wasn't in the room to have fun with us.

Granted, if I had the chance I would dress up in my wedding dress and have a short ceremony at his bedside if I needed to, but we would bring the party with us as far as we could, and we would certainly have continued it at a time that was appropriate, with a smile in our hearts, even if there are tears in my eyes.

There are no wrongs or rights, only you know what you would do, if you had the chance, but hand on heart I cannot think of one person in my family who would have said "don't", if Dad's life/death had taken a different turn, and that includes my Mum, my stepmum, my Dad's Mum.....

Good luck, you'll do what is right for you xx

Plus.....a week's mourning, a month's mourning, a year's mourning? It is all irrelevant. My dad will have been gone 10 years when I get married, yet every song is chosen with him in mind, my photographs on my bouquet, my memory table next to the cake....(he'd of had his eye on that, for sure).....its all there, full of emotion, full of sadness and full of joy. I'm even wrapping a spoonful of his ashes and putting them in a locket to pin to the inside of my dress.....10 years on, you never forget the ones you love, you just incorporate them in some way. Don't let anyone dictate how you should feel or what you should do.

Right, deep breathe, back to work before I have to pretend "there's something in my eye" or "it's just a spot of hayfever".......?