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Beginner May 2025 Northamptonshire

Please help

Pinkbowbride, 28 August, 2023 at 13:08 Posted on Planning 1 4
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Hi everyone. I did try and create a post the other day but I can’t find it anywhere, I’m not sure if it was deleted or maybe just ignored. So, sorry for posting again but I’m having quite a hard time.


My OH proposed to me two weeks ago. I am very happy and can’t wait to marry him, however, I have never wanted a big wedding. I am autistic and get extremely overwhelmed with crowds, noise and bright lights (like disco lights etc). I also really struggle with communication. I absolutely hate weddings and dread going to them months in advance. Honestly the idea of having a big wedding and reception makes me not want to get married!
Luckily, my OH isn’t fussed about having a big wedding either. He wants to elope, but I would like very close family there. I also really want to get married in a church.
I know people say it’s ‘your day, you can do what you want!’ But I also know that reality does say that doing things in certain ways can be rude.
If I had it my way, I would get married in a church with very close family (parents, siblings and my best friend so I can have her support - happy for OH to have his closest too obviously!) and then have photos, and then disappear and spend the rest of the day with my husband so I can try and get rid of all my overwhelm. When you’re autistic it’s hard work doing one thing after another, and I know I’d struggle with even going for drinks or a meal after. I could just force myself to do this but I wouldn’t necessarily enjoy myself and I could have an autistic meltdown which would ruin the rest of my wedding day.
To add, the only people who know I’m autistic is my OH and sister. I did tell my mum but she’s in a bit of her own world about it and doesn’t understand. I am only recently diagnosed as an adult.
Please help me, I really don’t know what I should do.

4 replies

Latest activity by Ivana, 17 December, 2023 at 18:29
  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    You say that you would like to get married in church with just your parents, and your fiancé wants to elope (presumably with no family present at all?) so it seems that you both want a similar-sized wedding, which is good news - no need to worry about your partner pushing you to have a big wedding or a huge reception!

    Your only issue seems to be on working out a compromise between your 'dream' weddings, and they are really not so far apart. I would suggest you sit down with your fiancé and each of you share your perfect wedding and then discuss how you might be able to compromise. For example, if your fiance only wants the two witnesses present, but you want your siblings, parents and best friend there, could you compromise on just having parents present? Or maybe parents + 1 close friend each? If you want a church wedding and he wants to elope, could you look at getting married out of your home area but in a church? Church weddings don't have to be big - a lot of those which took place during Covid were literally just the minister, two witnesses and bride & groom, so 'church wedding' doesn't have to mean 'huge wedding'.

    I hope you manage to resolve something soon. Let us know how you get on!

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  • Chantelle
    Curious October 2026 Cheshire
    Chantelle ·
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    Congratulations firstly! Secondly I have ADHD and some sensory issues (mainly noise) so I get it!

    Ultimately, it's your wedding and you have to do what is gonna give you the best day. Maybe a smaller ceremony with a party after?

    Be open & honest when looking at venues too and see how they can help. The venue we booked has a "secret room" off the reception room which we're keeping as a quiet space that I can escape too if everything is getting a bit much. Think about what is going to help & have a look for venues that are happy to accommodate. I've found the world is a lot more understanding now & whilst it may be a bit time consuming, it's worth it to give you the perfect day.

    Also feel free to message if you need help with anything.

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  • H
    Expert November 2022 Lincolnshire
    Hayley ·
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    If you find multiple events in one day too much for you, then you could split it out a few weeks apart. If you don't want to share your diagnosis further then you may get guests wanting to celebrate more than just a ceremony and not understanding why you don't have anything else.


    Could you plan a family meal for a few weeks after your ceremony, in a place you feel comfortable? Then guests feel like they get more time with you both to celebrate, but you only have to worry about one event at a time.
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  • I
    Dedicated August 2024 East London
    Ivana ·
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    Hi,

    It is your day and your fiancés day!!! No one else's! Pls remember that. Do not have a wedding for someone else. Do what you and your fiancé want and agree with and if you do not want to be rude to people speak to your fiancé and both of you address everyone together. However, also remember that people owe you nothing and end of the day everyone has their own idea of how something should be or go but if that does not match with that you want then that's fine. Like I said it is your day. No one said that wedding should be one specific way. You make it special to you and that is all that matters.

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