PP - Massive argument with my mum

It's really disheartening when people always offer you something better (in their opinion) every time you tell them your plans. Considering how much you have told her and involved her I think her comments are unfounded and possibly she's a bit stressed and maybe worried about the rest of the family commenting on your uncles non invitation. I fully agree I would not invite someone who called me a tart, didn't apologise and even did so in public in front of your family. Maybe this is his standard behaviour and your family are used to it and think nothing of it. I wouldn't care, I still wouldn't invite him. And yes under those circumstances I would be hurt and annoyed that your Mum wasn't prepared to support your decision to any family members who ask and says "I'm staying out of it".

3 options really I think.

Advise your Mum (in writing if you prefer not to speak to her. Ie text, email, letter) exactly how much involvement you have given her. Where she went with you, discussions, things you have changed etc. Tell her how hurtful her comments were and that you will not reconsider inviting your uncle, why you won't, and how much you expected you would have her support on this. How upset this has made you at what should be the happiest time of your life. See what happens.

Do nothing and wait for you both to calm down and maybe she will see things differently and apologise. On the other hand it could drag on and fester etc.

Apologise yourself for a quiet life. Personally I wouldn't do this but I'm stubborn if I think I'm not in the wrong.

If you leave it totally and you're both stubborn you run the risk of bad feeling spoiling the run up to your wedding or even the day itself. I would go with the first option. I wouldn't invite the uncle, family be damned.

There's not much I can add that Jayne hasn't already covered...

Mum's are like that, I'm afraid. My mum is hyper involved too but adamant that we aren't including her in anything. Bear in mind that she's paying so she literally couldn't be more involved! I'm pretty sure parents view the world differently to everyone else...

With regards your Uncle - I think you are absolutely right not to invite him. His behaviour was inexcusable! When family ask why he isn't invited, be frank. Tell them that you are only inviting people who will help you celebrate and that you didn't think he'd wish to attend a tart's wedding. This might remind people how rude he was to you.

I think you should call your mum. I know it's hard making the first move (especially when you are in the right) but you need to explain to her how hurt you are by what she said. Guilt trip her, in short.

Hope you get this all sorted

xxx

Like Stephisaur my parents are paying for the reception, so means my dad just pays, my mum decides hehe.

We had this at the beginning, and add to the mix a very stubborn OH, who wanted it to only be us who discussed details of it. My mum for reasons will probably only get to be Mother of, once, even though I am not an only child. So part of it for mine was she envisioned it all being me and her. After a few dodgy months (and we got engaged a week apart and are twin dates, I get the length!) I had printed off a checklist, and at my OH's instance me and my mum had a lot of wine, and went through what was important to her, some of it, I didn't even know was important, it was a 4 hour conversation, but one that was needed. That really cleared the air, now it's my mum discussing with OH and ganging up on me.

Point I'm making is, it's under 4 months, you do not want any bad air at such a special day, invite your mum round, make sure your OH can drive her home (be a nice touch) and have a glass of wine, there will be tantrums, but also you both need to understand, that you are involving her, and she needs to understand that you two want to stuff your way.

Re your uncle, don't invite him, and just say to any family why would I invite someone who called me a tart.

Good luck.

Oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this. Perhaps give it a day or two breathing space and arrange to meet up for a chat. I would tell her everything you've told us here. I can totally see your point about your Uncle not being invited and if you feel strongly about it, stick to your guns. It is your happy day after all and hopefully a special day you will only have once. I hope you manage to sort things with your Mum. Organising a wedding can bring many emotions to the surface and be a stressful time - as well as a happy, exciting time of your life.

Thanks all.

No update since yesterday as not spoken at all, I've decided that I wont be making the first move, she said some quite personal and hurtful things to me on Sunday so I feel she should make the first move.

I am supposed to be paying for her to have a hair and make-up trial in a few weeks so that'll be interesting........ (even though shes not included or involved in the wedding......!!!!!)

I texted my aunt yesterday (OH read before I sent and said it was fine) as my aunt seems to be piping up and asking my mum why he isn't invited and that my mum should sort out and that because i was civil to him at my grandads funeral that she thought me and him were fine!

Not sure what planet my family live on..... I was civil and polite as it was a funeral. Unlike him I wouldnt stoop that low.

No response from my aunt so someone else in the family who probably has the hump now but getting to the point of saying if they dont like it, dont come to the wedding!

Bl**dy families honestly.... its very true that you can pick your friends but nor your family!

I think if your uncle expects an invite then he should apologise to you. And not half heartedly. There is a massive difference between you showing respect for other people when you both attend the same family thing to you actually inviting him to your own family thing. If your aunt doesn't like it then as you say she is welcome to stay away. I know how you feel as my great uncle (is that right? Grandfather's brother anyway) was once really rude to me in front of other people. Everyone took the attitude oh its just your uncle toms way! My attitude was if everyone chooses to accept it from him that's up to them. We don't keep in contact, we don't speak but I'm polite at family do's if I have no choice. His attitude is I'm a silly little girl. I'm 58 so that says a lot about his attitude. He wont apologise and I won't accept that he won't.

My Mum would leave it for days then pretend it didn't happen.

I hope things get resolved and that you get an apology from your Mum if not from the uncle. Don't let this spoil things for you. Easier sqid than done I know. Big hug. Xx