practice what I preach? feeling like a sad loner - ugh!

I'm a sad loner too!! ?

I can offer no words of comfort (sorry)!

Neither h2b nor me have many friends. I think my parents will have more of their friends there the we have of our own!!

i have works friends who will probably vocalise that they'll come to the evening do but them actually turning up may be something different. It's a sad state of affairs.

hope you're feeling better in yourself soon and trying on your dress and having your make up done should make you feel fab for a while x

I'm sorry you feel that way Treacle! I'd probably feel the same way, but we're a fair bit away from doing the final inviting part.

This happened at my 21st and our engagement party. We put on bit parties, people don't come, and it makes us sad. Understandable!

But when you look back on it, you'll remember how much fun you had, and you probably won't even notice at the time

This could be written by me! Please don't feel sad, you will have a fantastic time on your hen as people that matter will be there. Mine is all female family bar 3 friends. Your evening plans don't sound finalised, perhaps those that are there on the day may be up for going out somewhere super glamorous too if you still feel that way inclined.

Yes the work list may be a downer, but no one likes being the first signee! Stuff them, i gave 4 invites to work colleagues, 1 has rsvp'd no, and the other 3 haven't mentioned them since i handed out. It's only work, thankfully not people we choose to come home to.

Your dress fitting tomorrow will turn it all around again and you'll feel fabulous and hopefully all smiley again as you'll be reminded of the nice aspects to focus on.

Watch some trash tv tonight and forget about it, i love having evenings off from all things wedding and blah and just being me on my own (oh with h2b on sofa too of course haha). You'll be alright ?

Nah, I can empathise.

I too am kind of socially awkward and I don't have many friends at all. Lots of acquaintances and colleagues, but if I had wanted a bridesmaid for example, I'd have had to ask my SIL as I just have no female friends who would be close enough to ask. Luckily I didn't want one. I didn't want a hen do either, but if I had, I'm pretty sure I would be in the same situation as only family members coming. And family is fine, but I have occasionally felt a pang of something - not sadness exactly, I dunno - that I wouldn't have "girls" to invite. Having worked in theatre for years, the close friends I have made are all gay men. I am generally okay with this - I enjoy my own company and like staying in - but when you think everyone else is having crazy hen parties and over-subscribed wedding guest lists, it can feel a bit rubbish.

I do think it's crappy of people to drop out at late notice to any social event, but some people are just flaky. We all know people like that, and they won't change for your event any more than they will for anyone else's, so it isn't necessarily about you. My H has signed up for a stag do and is now considering dropping out, cos he feels like he won't enjoy the "ladz bantz" and strip clubs involved - like me, he likes staying in - but it isn't specifically about the stag.

And even if it is about you - you can't change it. As long as you know you're not, you know, stealing from them or inventing poisonous gossip about them or something, then you've done all you can to be a decent friend. Sometimes people just won't love you that much, and that's okay. But don't let comments about your choice of hen activities being boring get you down - you're doing what represents you, and that's the most important thing. (For what it's worth, I think crafting and afternoon tea sounds great, and I can't craft anything to save my life!)

As for the zits: apply some tea tree oil and then leave them alone. They'll heal. Don't worry about them

I'm the same, well I was until I realised that I should just be happy that I do have a few close people in my life and that those people care about me. There is nothing wrong with a hen do being mainly family...I would rather it be that way than a load of 'acquaintence' type friends and no family because they can't be bothered or we've fallen out.

I don't have many friends at all and it doesnt help that one of my closest friends is a lad who obv didn't feel comfortable coming on a hen do. I had 4 old uni friends say straight away that they couldnt make it, which really did disappoint me as i wanted them there as a kind of reunion too. So my hen do weekend is now a spa day followed by a meal and night out in town. I have my best friend (MOH) who has been amazing, my mum + FMIL, FSIL (bm) and brother's gf (bm), FBIL's gf, and another friend.

It's felt amazing when I hear that my MOH and brother's gf have contacted each other on fb to start co-ordinating plans and ideas for me :-) that kind of thing means more to me than having a million people there. I feel like I will grow closer to this small group and I suppose that's how you should feel. If your best friend doesn't want to stay over then that's fine, perhaps she just feels uncomfortable away from home so is blaming her OH?

In terms of work people....I always find that you feel close to them but some just don't like making any effort outside of work. It is the same story when people leave a company and everyone promises to stay in touch - they never do! I suppose it's the same situation as my uni friends.

Your hen do sounds great and exactly what I would organise for my best friend if she's ever getting married. Just enjoy it...even if it's just you and a few other people as long as you all have a great time and don't care what anyone else thinks. Don't feel lonely, you have your OH, family and friends. ?

I'm sorry Treacle - that's sad. We like you!!!!

Maybe your colleagues aren't quite sure what to do? I often don't look at the sign up sheets for fear its another sponsor me thing...

You'll people there who care about you and you'll look lovely!! That's the main thing.

You're not the only one. Large social groups (to me) are an absolute energy drain so I avoid them. A few close friends are enough for me - and one of them lives 300 miles away so we rarely meet up.

I'm not sure it will help, but try not to feel inadequate, there are a lot more like us than people realised who 98% of the time are happy to be themselves and their OH with the occasional small get together with friends you actually want to spend time with. Its the rare 2% of the time when we start comparing ourselves with extroverts and wondering what is wrong with us.

Hi,

I didn't wanna read and run.. i can't really offer any advise. However, i can say you are not the only one.... i haven't even set the date yet, just in the working out a budget area and i am already in your shoes... i have 1 person that i call a true friend, i have a different official best friend, who i have known all my life, (im 41) i rarely see her, rarely speak with her, we are best mates by default from meeting at such a young age .... she will be a bridesmaid, but mainly cos she will expect it, and i will expect her to be it, she will enjoy the dress. the day etc, but supporting me with it all? nah!! ... my true friend is the least girliest girl in the world and has told me straight BM is never gonna happen lol ...

I have work mates, who i'm sure some will use it as a reason to party, i work with a LOT of people, 150 minimum and i work in same place as OH, and before it's even begun i know maybe 10 max will attend..

It's hard, but you're not alone chick...

The important people who love you will be there ... and that's all that matters, anyone else is just a added bonus to the numbers - don't stress honey xx

Also a loner lol. I think perhaps similar reasons life gets busy for people and before you know it you've lost touch with lots of people I'm lucky that I inherited lots of amazing people when I met husband but obviously they would be on his stag not my hen haha my hen in the end lasted about two hours we had an English tea and it was my mum sisters nephew and three nieces, it was lovely, did kind of think I had missed out but nah in the end glad I didn't and we all have lovely memories.

also I decided with the wedding I would rather have fewer people but very genuine people who was there for more than a pee up with fellow friends my wedding had a lovely feeling just genuinely happy people :-)

Aww I can understand why you're upset. I think your hen do sounds nice, I'd go to that rather than a booze up round the pubs.

Oh bless you's all, thanks for the understanding! Lots of excellent points made! i guess it almost a feeling of being a bit inadequate, like just feeling that everyone else has these massive social circles and are constantly having get togethers and if they were having a wedding there'd be 400 people and they'd need 5 hen weekends to accommodate all the gosh darn good fun they're going to have with their endless friends....Naha that sounds way more bitter in writing than I feel, I said in a jokey way, tsk me! It's daft cus I couldn't bear it if there was hundreds at my wedding, it's be so tiring and busy!i guess Today I've been thinking more people means more atmosphere and although I don't necessarily think that's always true, I think other people think it and so I don't want them to think we're Billy no mates...I sound crazy, I have no idea what other people think, it's just meh related irrationality! Bumblebees you got it! I'm having my 2% moment lol!

n'awh thanks halloweeny! Unfortunately they do know cus I did mention it to all of them at some point, so no excuses there. Pfft maybe I'll shun real life people n just live on Internet forums ha!

Haha I'm def not stealing or spreading gossip ID! In fact I don't tend to join in with the 'colleague bashing' that some if them seem to enjoy so much! N it is ok that some people won't think I'm delightful, tbh half of those I work with (it's a very small place) I wouldn't care if they came or not, I don't dislike them, cus it works both ways doesn't it and I don't love them either, it just wouldn't bother me, they were invited tho because it's too small a place to ignore/offend a few of them, I wouldn't want to either cus it's a bit mean to exclude people so obviously I think...but there are a handful who I would have liked there. I mean I'm mountaining out of molehills here anyway cus hey they might still say yes...but again you get it, it's that pang of something sometimes where you think I wish I had more girl friends n did more girl friend things sometimes.

kelly, Calella, purple cake: cheers! It IS only work! I probs won't be there forever anyway lol! N if they don't come they'll miss out on a lovely evening of nice food n music!

Thanks all for the kind words and empathy! It's been good! Better to get these things off your chest n this place is really good for that!! Always feel better for a good petty 'poor me' whine...really I know I'm very lucky to have some lovely family n friends who I do love.

thanks guys!

Oh thanks Paula munkihugga n lala too! MH n lala, again it's just nice realising I'm not the only person not having a crazy hen weekend cus as daft as it is, sometimes you do think you are the only one! My sis-in-law, when I told her how many were coming said oh good, it's better when it's a small number...I just thought, small number? This is everyone I know haha...this is loads!

ETA oh n re: the gammy skin, I'm going to gave another lovely honey face mask, put a dab of Clinique spot be gone in it, and see it as a positive, it'll show my MUA skills and then if I end up with another one of the wedding day I'll know she's capable :-D

pm purple cake, there will definitely be trash tv! My moms coming up later cus she's coming with me tomorrow so there will also def be wedding talk...need to find some make up inspiration? N paint my nails

Aaaw hugs hun. Rotten to fell this way . Perhaps your work chums don't think it's a genuine invitation, perhaps you could do direct invitations to those you'd really like to be there? We're still getting rsvps to our evening do - had one only today!! Yes we get wed in 14 days and the after wedding party is three weeks on Saturday!!

Sorry to hear you're feeling crappy!

It does seem like you are more comparing yourself to what you think you SHOULD want/be like or what others would want/be like rather that what you are happy with. If you are absolutely happy having close family and a couple of close friends then so be it, bugger everyone else! I'm also a bit of a loner - I have a group of 4-5 close female friends and am lucky enough to have a close team at work that I really get on with (mind you, haven't given any of them wedding invites yet, we'll see!!) However I don't have loads of friends, and my H2B doesn't either - he only has two really good mates and a lot of 'acquaintances' from different jobs and internet communities.

So we're having a small wedding and I'm sure it'll be lovely and what we want. I also can't help comparing myself to others though! A work colleague is getting married soon and I'm pretty sure she's inviting 4 times as many people as we are! I also think about my friends and sister who have big groups of friends from all over the place...

I also feel your spot pain, I am prone to breakouts and just KNOW it's going to happen on my wedding day hah! Bring on the makeup trowel...

Aww, bit late to this party, but dragging my sad loner ass into the conversation! Haha. I have 2 best friends who are like sisters, but basically only a couple of others. H has a best friend who lives on the other side of the country and a couple of others, and that's it! My hen do was just me and my 2 girls, his stag do was just him and his best mate, and we were both happy with that! We had 50 people at the wedding, about 35 of those were my family, 4 were my parents friends, 3 were his dad and godparents, so you can see how many friends we have!! Don't care though, I am close to my family and we love just being us :-)

Weird internet hugs, we'll come to your wedding! Hehe

Listen... the alternative hen do would be lots of people coming who you didn't care about. So your situation of only having family members is ideal!

About inviting work people... they come and go. Do you see yourself working with them all until you retire? Probably not. So do you really want pictures of your wedding day where you look back and think 'oh yeah, I remember Sheila, she always nicked my milk.' I work in a rather large secondary school and my faculty consists of about 14 people. Only 2 of them are coming to the day and another 3 to the evening as none of the others really showed an interest. The way I see it is it has shaven off quite a bit from our food bill!

Spots... I'm on a mission at the moment to drink gallons of water throughout the day as my skin is crap. I have to say I really feel like it's working! And also (I know this is really bad) but I used the sunbed at my hairdressers on the way home in the hope that the UV will help too. I'm taking drastic measures as I'm getting married next Friday. Could you try the water thing, then if things don't improve, a couple of minutes on the sunbed twice a week?

HUGS!

Oh man you have all been so lovely! I now feel like a big baby! I feel completely fine now, the great advice, and perspective have just made me feel a lot better...feel like a right wally and wuss for whining in the first place...I mean I still think the same about being a bit meh about the work thing etc but I already don't care!

Milly bride I am definitely doing some comparison with others, I know you shouldn't but sometimes you can't help it can you, Ha be sure to follow your own advice and don't start comparing your day either- remember four times as many people is four times as much money

mrsShep, Best way to be! I don't know why I chose today to mind! Ha I'll throw an invite your way if you promise to dance!

IGBMN-all completely right n perfectly sensible advice! Haha it is true about the wedding pics, one of the reasons apart from the cost that they weren't invited to the day! I definitely don't see myself there forever...plus there used to be a lady who worked there (left before I started) n a lot of them went to her wedding all day n you should hear them Moan about it...don't think I fancy being their next conversation!

my skins a constant dodgy issue, this last year it's never looked better, I mean it's not perfect, oh how I want to unobtainable smooth blemish free skin, but it's a heck of a lot better than it used to be....it has hormonal flare ups so there's not a fat lot I can do. I do drink tons, always have, one f the nicest things I've found that seems to calm it down a bit is manuka honey...again I've almost almost learnt to love it n accept it but I think what with the dress fitting etc tomorrow I just wanted to feel flawless!

thanks again guys! I have firmly got myself a grip again! Let that be the end of my pitiful whinnying!

Glad you are feeling better.

i so want to go to your hen do! il be over about 10 ish with my glitter and superglue. and twister..... to go with the glitter and glue!

Lovely loners unite in blissful solitude!

???

via the internet, of course!

Chins up, weird internet hugs, and strange solidarity all around!

Glad you are feeling better. Your hen night sounds ace - I ain't having one at all. OH isn't originally from here so all his old friends are miles away. So we are a pair of loners, no stag do either... I totally see your point. It's difficult not to compare to others. I'm a little bit alternative so I'm going all out to do nothing similar to any recent weddings lol x

Interesting how many of us think we are loners...it makes me wonder if in fact most people don't have a lot of friends but think everyone else has tons.. I think this is partially down to the effects of social media.

That's very true inked doll, how many people would say "I went out with a group of friends to x" when really it was hubby's best friend his wife and somebody else. It gives the impression of a gang of double figures going out. Or that girl on Facebook who poses every time she goes out, feels like she's out all the time posing with different people in clubs whereas they are just random people.

I'm another!

i have lost contact with most of my friends over the years so only really have 1 good friend and a few others who I see occasionally at a social event rather than making a specific effort.

part of my problem ( if you can call it that) is that OH and I have been together 20 years- I was 15. So naturally we have spent a lot of time together and tend to go out as a couple limiting opportunities to make independent friends. OH is the same with loose friends he can call if car breaks down etc but not the sort bed just meet up with or randomly text etc

i think making friends becomes harder as you get older, I.e after Uni and I know I'm crap at making much effort so I tend not to go out of my way too now which is sad.

as a result, we aren't having bridesmaids/best man/ushers etc it made me realise I really don't see the point (personally) in giving someone a title. We are both quite capable of betting ourselves ready etc!

I was beginning to wonder this a little bit reading this! I know we're a very small subsection of the population but i was quite surprised by the number of you who also instantly said ah don't worry about it I'm a loner too! Social media definitely has a part to play, Im not really active on facebook or anything, I have an account n I find it useful to get in touch with some people n I'm guilty of posting too many cat pictures, but it does seem to be a stream of people posing group photos and commenting on their nights out...and why shouldn't they, I don't begrudge or feel bad about other people having great times, but I think it highlights a bit that you're not, which then can make you question if you're the odd one out!

I was beginning to wonder this a little bit reading this! I know we're a very small subsection of the population but i was quite surprised by the number of you who also instantly said ah don't worry about it I'm a loner too! Social media definitely has a part to play, Im not really active on facebook or anything, I have an account n I find it useful to get in touch with some people n I'm guilty of posting too many cat pictures, but it does seem to be a stream of people posing group photos and commenting on their nights out...and why shouldn't they, I don't begrudge or feel bad about other people having great times, but I think it highlights a bit that you're not, which then can make you question if you're the odd one out!

I think it's probably true that the majority of people don't have a huge group of really close friends. Just look at how many people have a big group of bridesmaids, and how many of us have a couple. When it comes down to it, quality is a lot better than quantity

I'll be the life and soul if that's what you want ;-)

Mmm.. Custard creams. Wish I had some of those! I am indeed hitching and watching crap TV, although H has just got home!

Oh bless you schwelley, thanks! Im loving the hitched love here, heck you can come n dance the night away too! Lol! I really feel a bit embarrassed about being upset now about such a non-problem!

Am sadly lacking custard creams here too! Though have some programme on about KFC which def counts as trashy TV!

You have your cat's treacletart )) I have 1 close friend, close to my family, friends through sports, and spend a lot of time with my husband or on my own as I love my own company. I don't understand these people who have hundreds of people on Facebook???!!! How does that work??? I don't even like Facebook x

Ha well another woman I work with text me this afternoon to say she won't be able to make it either. (No reason/no excuse, I know she doesn't need one, I shouldn't expect reasons if you don't want to do something then that's that, but reasons are nice)...but she could have just told me to my face yesterday, not sure why she waited til she wasn't in for a week to text me. Anyhoo, although I was over the upset from my lovely cathartic post yesterday I still got a bit upset-d'oh! I told OH cus he could tell I was meh, who was his usual lovely self, cuddle and a glass of wine later n I feel better again...it really just does hurt a little bit that they obvs don't get on with me n me them as much as I thought. it's ok, it took a while to fit in with their small town mentality n I think I must still not have cracked it...it's going to be for the best though, gonna stuff em, get on with my work, n realise that it's up to them what the heck they do, at least it'll save us some money! I've tried, but meh! I just know that if it was my colleague they would make the effort, but then, the sun has never shine out my backside like hers lol! I am a bit argle about going in tomorrow...gonna quietly take down my sign up sheet n not mention it n then just not mention the wedding again at work (I barely do anyway but I'll really just not bother) n then that's the end of it! Silly really, it's just work!

Otherwise I had an amazing day! Make up, hair, and dress fitting all in one day!! I shall post some flashes up tomorrow but I felt absolutely amazing! I loved it all so much :-D yay!!

Ha I would except I can't seem to it off my phone so have to wait til on the proper computer tomorrow!! Ooo good luck with your hair trial tomorrow!! I sense hair trial flashes a plenty tomorrow then! :-D

Woo hoo, pretty flashes!