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Expert July 2023 Cornwall

Pre-empting family drama... how to deal with groom's sister not being a bridesmaid

Anonbride, 4 of January of 2022 at 15:49 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 5

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We're engaged - yay!!

We're well away with wedding planning even though we only got engaged on NYE, we've been talking about getting married for a while and know what we want.

A small 50 guest wedding, that's fun rather than formal, with more friends than family.

My FH (I hope that's the right abbreviation - Future Husband?!), wants me to only have three bridesmaids because he's conscious that we shouldn't look like most of our guests are in the wedding party otherwise it's a bit awkward for those that are just normal guests. I think he has a good point and so we are on the same page here.

Originally I was going to have 5 brides-mates, a mix of guys and girls, but one of them (my oldest friend) is going to officiate so now thinking he doesn't also need to be a brides-man, one of the guys (my GBF) is my man of honour, and so we've made the other guy an usher (along with my brother as they get on super well and would make a great duo). So I have my two best girlfriends as bridesmaids plus my MOH = three. Sorted.

But now I'm panicking...

I asked FH about his sister, he's not super close to her so not at all bothered about her being a bridesmaid and definitely wouldn't give her a grooms-woman role. I personally wouldn't feel massively comfortable with her in the room with me getting ready etc., and wouldn't feel right including her over the guy I've demoted* to usher (*he doesn't know he's been demoted haha, he'll only know about the usher thing, but it feels like it a bit to me!).

So me and FH are on the same page, buuuuut FMIL can be a bit difficult and already is a quite bitter and competitive about the fact that I'm much closer to my family than her son is to her. Basically, I'm a bit worried that when she gets wind of FSIL not being a bridesmaid she won't be happy, especially when she then finds out my brother is in the wedding party...

I'm feeling like we should give FH's fam a heads up now, while we're still in the early stages of wedding planning so that we don't get to the point where there's an assumption that FSIL will be a bridesmaid (something that's happened to a friend of mine, who's FH's family is now trying to force her to cut friends as bridesmaids; now my fear!). Any advice on how to handle it?

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Latest activity by Anonbride, 7 of January of 2022 at 21:54

Beginner November 2022 Dumfries Galloway & Ayrshire
Jennifer · 4 of January of 2022 at 18:31
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First things first - Congratulations!!!

It is a good thing that your FH is on the same page as you. That'll help when it comes to managing expectations. I am not quite in the same situation as you, but when it came to expectations in tricky family situations, I recently bypassed the tricky mother (mine). Everyone in my family expected my brother to walk me down the aisle and while I was cool with that idea at some point, I am determined to walk myself down the aisle now. Instead of speaking to everyone about it, I sat down with my bro and spoke to him. I'd do the same with your FSIL. Involve your FH in that convo and make it one without the FMIL being there. Ask his sister whether she'd like to be involved in the first place, maybe that's not her cup of tea to begin with and you worry for nothing. If she'd like to be involved - maybe make her a female usher or help out otherwise. There is so much to do around a wedding without making someone a bridesmaid. As for tricky people - you sadly can't control them. If they're determined to throw a fit, then they will, even if you do everything right. It's not you, it's them. Don't be bullied into adding people to your party if you don't want to. Make sure you navigate as a team, that'll help you guys.
Good luck, I hope it turns out that you were worried for no reason.
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VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
Charlotte · 5 of January of 2022 at 10:39
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Congratulations!! Welcome to the joys of family and wedding planning! It is great your FH is on the same page, you need to both stick to your guns and do not let other peoples wants/opinions influence what you want. It is so sad when families try to manipulate things, it is your day and they should be respectful of that. I don't think giving them a heads up is a good idea as it will pre empt them pushing their agenda. You are not particularly close with her so I don't see why she would think she would be part of the BP. I wouldn't say anything and if they bring it up simply say that you have picked your BP already and you are happy with choosing who you want for your wedding. if they push it say it is not up for discussion, you are sorry that they may feel hurt, but to respect it is your choice. Maybe you could ask her to do a reading if you feel that would work and appease the situation.
My mother has been very vocal about some of our decisions and I had to sit her down and tell her how it was making me feel and that my only stress was coming from her, whilst she is entitled to an opinion there is no need to express it the way she has to others and that she should be happy for me and respect what I want. Once i confronted her and she realised that her behavior was not right she has been a lot better, sometimes confronting people is the best thing as they don't always realise how they are effecting people. please try not to worry and please others, it is your day and you should have what you want, and it sounds like your OH will have your back. if she kicks off then he should step in and speak to her as after all it is his family. good luck in your planning
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VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
RomanticGreenStationery27135 · 7 of January of 2022 at 15:33
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If FMIL thinks she has the right to make decisions about your wedding, this is unlikely to be the last battle you face over it, so it's a good idea to have your action plan in place from the start.
It really helps that you and your FH are agreed on this. I would avoid discussing any aspect of the wedding with FMIL until it is 100% settled. Then, you simply present it as 'this is what we are having'. Don't apologise, justify or explain - if you're challenged to change anything, just repeat, 'I'm sorry, but we have already decided on doing x'. (And if she tries 'I'm not coming to the wedding if you don't agree to ...' just respond with 'we're sorry to hear that. We will miss you.' Most people stop being dramatic when they learn it gets no response!)
If you think your FSIL might be upset not to be included, you could come up with another role for her - e.g. being an usher, doing a reading. Hopefully, by offering her the role of reader/usher it will be clear that she's not being offered the role of bridesmaid.
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Expert July 2023 Cornwall
Anonbride · 7 of January of 2022 at 21:53
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Thanks so much for the advice! I definitely think standing firm is the way to go (just today we’ve had to hold firm on our small guest list with FMIL, who wants everyone from extended family to childhood friends FH hasn’t spoken to in years invited…. *eye roll*).

Interesting ideas on a different role for her. FH doesn’t like the idea of making her a female usher and had previously dismissed my suggestion of seeing if she wanted to do a speech. I hadn’t thought of a ceremony reading though. Tbh I hadn’t realised these were a thing! I guess I only thought of them as a religious thing… I’ll do some research on this and see if there’s something that might work. She might not like the idea of standing up and speaking but I guess if we ask and she says no then we’re off the hook for finding a role for her, right?!
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