Presence not Presents

We really don't want anything, my OH is moving in with me at the end of this month (wooohooo) and we are having to find storage for some of his stuff as we don't need two of everything let alone adding more to it. We don't want money, especially as people seem to feel the need to give a substantial amount when it comes to money so as not to look tight so on the invites we are going to put something along the lines of 'we really don't expect or want gifts or money but if you still feel you want to do something for us then you could donate to macmillan nurses'. We are setting up a Just Giving page through macmillan nurses nearer the time and they can either donate or not. That's also where our pin badges will come from too x

Gracefly that's brilliant and I don't blame you.

I don't actually find asking for presents to be rude, I think it's standard practice to take gifts to somewhere you have been invited. I wouldn't turn up at a dinner party without at least a bottle of wine, so certainly wouldnt turn up at a wedding without something.

We used the presence not presents phrase (although I did think it was corny). We genuinely meant it.

We got married in Essex and had guests travel from Sheffield, Stoke, Birmingham, Coventry, Norwich and Southend. If it was the difference between buying a present and affording a hotel for the night them we would rather go without to have them there.

I don't like requests for presents at all - I do find them rude and unnecessary. If people want to buy a gift, they will, you don't need to worry yourself about it. And I also find the whole "but I don't want to end up with stuff I don't want" argument a bit lame - if someone gives you a gift, take it and say thank you.

Having said that, they are my standards and I wouldn't be offended if someone sent me a gift list in an invitation, but I wouldn't send one if I were sending out an invitation (wedding or otherwise).

We are just sending an invitation and no requests or suggestions for gifts/money/otherwise. I won't be offended if people don't bring a gift, but I would never go to a wedding without taking a gift. However, I don't have kids, have a partner who is struggling to find work (or struggling to find it myself) etc etc. What I am saying is, although I would always take a present to a wedding or party, I know that my circumstances permit this without too much trouble at all. I do not know this about other people - and actually, even if they are completely loaded and choose not to give a gift for whatever reason, that's their choice entirely, and I wouldn't be offended. Honestly, if you think that's offensive, you have not lived!

Its one of the questions that we keep coming back to.

As a guest I have always tried to give something 'different' - as an evening guest i always used to give a handmade ringbox. It came about after two if my newlywed friends lost their rings in honeymoon.

Other presents I have given normally involves experiences - quad biking, whit water rafting, choclate making, wine tasting. Something they can do together and often after the buzz has dies down. Everyone has loved them so far.

For ours I think money to be donated to Beatson Centre if they feel they must buy a gift. If anyone comes with a gift I would never be nasty about the recieving it. After all they have still made an effort to think about a gift, though I do fear that we will probably end up with some quirky fun gifts after I'm the last to get married out of our group

Simple answer: Yes, our guests presence is far far far more important than any presents they may give. We're only inviting to the day those we want at the day, and even though I know some family members will give gifts (I'm certainly not presuming some others will do, like friends or family that contributing to the wedding) - it is no way the reason they're invited or the reason we're getting married. If we were in it for the present, gosh, I'd invite so many more people ?

Long answer: As the invites were from my parents, it was their final say on putting in about gifts, as they'd find it awful if they werent aware what the couple wanted - but that at the same time is reflected in that they give (what I'd say) rediculous amounts for weddings, even as just evening guests (where I'd say just a congratulations card is enough!). I hate getting cash as it'll only go on paying off our overdraft, or for foodshopping or car bills, and I hate gift lists even more. We've signed up to B&Q and their wedding gift pot thing where people can put money into a pot for us to spend in store, which we'd use towards a new kitchen as its the only thing we could do with updating (as in, when we bought our house, over time we've replaced all our cheaper items we bought when we were renting, so yes, everything is bought and its all under 2yrs old). I hated it when OH's brother did a gift list at Debenhams for their wedding - I went through the whole thing going "you could get that cheaper elsewhere, what on earth would they use that for, there is no way I'm spending that on them.."! We ended up getting them a tesco gift card! I just couldn't justify wasting my money on their gift list and I'd much rather they spend it on something more practical they need than a bunch of stuff they've obviously just 'zapped' because they could!

Oh, and to the question of have I ever turned up with nothing - yes in the case of being invited with my parents as they did instead - but when its been the two of us, OH wouldn't let us ? I think a congratulations card should be enough as an evening guest but OH still likes to give a gift or money then. For a day guest, I couldn't not give a gift, but it'll always reflect how much we can afford. In current times, I think £20 would be far more than enough for family, for friends, possibly £10 maximum! But keeping in mind, I spend about £5-10 a head for family at christmas, only children in the family or my parents get birthday presents, and regarding friends for both xmas/birthdays we don't give presents.

On another note, I honestly don't think I'd give money to a charity page if requested too and it wasnt one I'd want too. I'd get the couple a little gift instead. If I want to donate, I'll donate to charities I feel need/deserve it - but I'm really peculiar about charities, so that could just be me.

I would always give some kind of present. We usually give a cheque unless there is a specific wedding list. I would rather give money than buy something that gets stuck in a cupboard.

We really do want presence rather than presents but most people want to give presents too which is great. I wouldn't be annoyed if someone didnt give a present though as it will have cost them to attend.

It honestly wouldn't bother me if nobody donated to our chosen charity but I am sure enough that if they were going to donate to *a* charity they would be happy to donate to the one we picked as lots of us have lost someone to cancer and relied on the wonderful macmillan nurses to help loved ones. Even if they don't donate, they will still have their pin badges so macmillan will get our donation from that

We haven't put it as strongly as that, but have sort of said we'd welcome presents but you don't have to bring them. The reason is there are some people coming who don't have a lot of money e.g. I know my bridesmaid will have to save a bit to afford the train up and a hotel so I wouldn't expect her to bring a gift. Also, we're inviting people to evening only which is costing about £10 per person for the buffet so I wouldn't expect anything from them.

However, for people in completely different situations I think it's reasonable to expect gifts e.g. the best man earns 5x as much as us and we have just got him an expensive(ish) present for his wedding. But I still can't imagine actually being angry at anyone for not giving us anything. If you do then you've invited them for the wrong reasons!

We've done the 'presence not presents' thing for my guests and haven't done a "BUT if you want to get us something ... " - we're getting married in Denmark so my friends and family are going to be spending a lot of money on flights, accommodation etc., so to buy something on top of that would be too much! The Danes (so my fiancé's guests) will apparently get us something as it's considered rude not to in Denmark, though I genuinely wouldn't be bothered if we didn't get anything.

I've turned up to two weddings without anything before - reason being is that I was absolutely skint both times and could just about afford to get to and pay for drinks at the actual weddings. So instead I bought the two couples in question presents on their first anniversaries. I don't think it's rude to turn up without a present if it's been stated on the invitation that they don't want anything but I would always try to at least get something, even if something small.

Exactly this! We're not putting anything on ours either & I have to say I'm not particularly keen on receiving an invite telling me what shop to buy vouchers from (usually in poem form) I know its practical & then you can actually get something you want but it's a gift, if someones kind enough to get us something it's completely up to them what they want to give.

I say that now, I'll be editing this post after having to return 30 fruit bowls...

I think it's extremely rude to turn up without anything at a wedding. Even if funds are tight, you can get something and it doesn't have to be expensive, eg a bottle of wine is better than nothing. I am a firm believer in "it's the thought that counts".