Pressure from parents about guest list

I think your OH's compromise is a good one, an evening invitation only. I do think you're right in sticking to your guns, it's your wedding, not theirs, regardless of who's paying for these extra guests. I don't really have any advice as such, I probably would have suggested the evening invitation which you've already thought of. Good luck.

Your compromise is a fair one. Just be sure to support your OH at all times and help him stick to his guns.

I always feel really sorry for people when their relatives behave like this. I also feel really lucky. I found out last night that my Gran thought it perfectly acceptable for us to invite one of my cousins to the whole day and not the others! (I have 19 younger cousins!) I told my mum this wasn't happening, but my cousins were welcome to the evening do and then steeled myself for having to be firm. But mum just said; 'your absolutely right, there are far too many cousins for you to invite them all to the day and if anyone kicks off i shall give them short shrift!' I was so relieved!

Stick to your guns and see if there are any other relatives you can get to back your corner. Planning a wedding shouldn't be like this!

Yeah, same here. My parents paid for somewhere between a third and a half of my wedding, but if my mum had dared to suggest that it was "her day as well", I'd have been absolutely seething. In fact I think I'd have been threatening to uninvite her, let alone any random friends of hers! I wonder if this is more common in families where the person is the first to get married - my bro got married 6 years before me, so my mum had already had a more traditional wedding to get all that out of her system.

I feel for you as its your big day and you should have people you want, you could explain to them that you don't want a massive wedding but a more personal one and that is why they are invited in the evening only. They are lucky that they are getting that!!! Try not to get stressed and both stick to your guns. I had this with my husband's family as his mum wanted her friends and their kids to come to the evening and she knew fine we weren't having kids, we would have had around 20+! We told her very firmly NO several times and she eventually got it Xx

Why don't you put them on a reserved list - they may come in handy?

So send out day invites only, those that suddenly cant go; you can replace them with the reserved people. If you are lucky enough to have everyone accept the day then put them in the evening only category.

It is horrible when families do this, I do feel for you.

Aww you poor thing! I agree that you need to stick to your guns...especially as money isn't an issue. Which makes them offering to pay for the extra guests irrelevant (although I am sure they are doing that because they are being nice rather than being manipulative).

Personally I wouldn't want people I didn't know to be at my wedding - we are having a very small wedding abroad so our guest list is 50. There are some friends we couldn't invite that I would have really liked to so if my parents were doing this I would be really upset. Slightly different situation with the destination wedding and maybe I will get this sort of thing for the UK party afterwards but the principle is the same.

You want your wedding day to be filled with your nearest and dearest - not people you have never set eyes on before! It is your decision and it sounds like you and H2B are on the same page on this so my advice would be to persevere. They may bring it up from time to time but maybe try to avoid talking about guest lists, seating plans etc. in front of them so you don't prompt a conversation about it.

Ultimately you are doing the right thing - it is most definitely not their day too!

Stay firm and don't accept any more money from them. Hope it all works out. x

Thanks guys. It's reassuring to know that I'm not mental and completely unreasonable.

It gets better... we called the ceremony venue to confirm exactly how many people they were licensed for before we send out the invites, make decisions on plus ones etc... Initially the guy that showed us round said 120. The lady from the office just called back and confirmed it was actually 90!! 120 is the capacity for the room for parties etc, not the license for marriages... So as it stands if we count ourselves, registrar, photographer and the venue's member of staff, we're already over....

My mum's also told me that some of my family from abroad (my mum's sisters who have never been to England before, a couple of my cousins) have decided that they might also take up the invitation, which I wasn't expecting.

OH is adamant he's not going to give in even though his parents are laying on the guilt trip. He's considering also removing some of his aunts and uncles apart from the ones he stays in touch with considering that when we went to a family wedding 18 months ago he couldn't even remember their names!!

This is precisely one of the reasons we declined the offer of money, and are now adamant we will return the deposit money in the next couple of months. I'm not selling shares in our wedding!! I feel like if they contribute then we're obliged to appease them - but when we were told that a photographer is a waste of money because 'everyone has iPhones these days' that they perhaps think the budget is better spent on upgrading the plonk (neither of us are big drinkers, so we don't care what wine we get tbh) and inviting their friends..

Argh! I really just want to cancel the whole lot and we've hardly even started! ?

So now you have the perfect comeback - you can't fit them in so unfortunately, they can't attend. Even MIL can't argue with numbers!

Thank you thank you thank you you lovely people! I'm feeling more and more sane the more sane by the comment!

Just wanted to add to my last post (which has to be moderated - is that normal? Sorry, new here!) AprilBride - we have others on a back up list already, about 10-15, that we would sooner invite than people we don't really know, includes a couple of my friends and some of his cousins who he really wanted to share the day with, (who I've also met on a few occasions and get on with!) but due to numbers/money and the family 'wedding etiquette' on his side haven't been included.

I'm happy for anyone to come to the evening and have a drink or two, but the ceremony and the meal is the special part for us and I don't want to walk down the aisle with a load of strangers staring at me - I've already got a small list on my side as it is so I'm going to striggle to spot my lot in the crowd! lol. Also if we accept these people coming where do we draw the line, do I have to let my parents invite their friends too...?? Not that either of them have even suggested it (so far!)

Ah, see OH tried to tell them we were at capacity already so that they would have no choice but to drop it (this was when we thought it was 120 but they didn't know that). They said fine, we respect that you want the ceremony to be special for you two, so how about just inviting them to the wedding breakfast? So... they're not actually that bothered about celebrating the actual important bit, just the free food and drink afterwards...? Argh!

Very sorry your future in-laws are acting like this. I disagree with them, it is not their day. It is their son's day and yours. They had their day. If they want a big party with old friends they should have one and then they can invite anyone they please, but not your wedding.

Anyway, it sounds like you already have a fantastic excuse now with the max. number... otherwise I would stick to my guns.

My boyfriend and I are only having a small wedding, with just our parents and my brother (my boyfriend is an only child), and anyone who doesn't like that can f*** off. ?

It will all work out...it is stressful though.

We are similar in terms of numbers and parents attitudes (although we gratefully accepted the money we were offered, as we don't have it and would have been saving for years otherwise). We have 38 of OH family coming, around 12 of whom are cousins he doesn't see, couldn't remember their names etc. I was really against this at the time but his parents basically said you can't invite some cousins and leave some out, which I do understand. I have around 20 family members coming.

I then had my parents asking about their friends being invited. I had already decided to invite around 3 or couples who I know well (all just to evening do). My mum last week asked me to invite a friend of hers who I haven't seen since I was around 10 and wouldn't recognise in the street. The reason is that she is invited to this friend's daughters wedding. I put my foot down and said no. She was a little sulky for around 10 minutes but was then fine.

You have to draw the line somewhere but it is not worth falling out with family, unless you really can't afford it or if it is someone you really don;t want there. Obvs if they won't fit there is no argument anyway! If it is down to money and the parents want to help you out it seems you are being a little stubborn tbh! It has meant so much to my OH's family to be able to help us out, they really have got a lot out of knowing our day is going to have been facilitated by their generosity.

So, to summarise: They offered to put money into the wedding and you refused, saying that they were too generous.

Then you went venue shopping without having the deposit money and booked your dream venue, then asked your fILs for the deposit money because you did not have the money when you went shopping.

....and now that they are correctly pointing out that they are co-hosts and want to add in some of their own guests you are surprised and disappointed.

You can't have it both ways: Traditionally the parents pay and host. Nowadays the couple pay and host, but some people still get money from their parents and then don't expect the parents to want a say in the wedding in return.

It's an etiquette minefield and no wonder everyone gets upset/confused. Lets simplify: he who pays the piper calls the tune? If you really don't want their old friends to be invited, then pay them back the deposit, scale back the wedding, and cut your coat according to your cloth. I'm the same generation as your parents: when I got married (ie when they got married) the parents chose everything bar the dress and we were allocated so many seats for our friends. It was very different times and I guess your fILs are feeling a bit put out that you want the benefits but none of the compromise of the traditional system. They probably aren't bad people, just have different expectations to you.

FWIW when I married this year (middle aged - self-funded) my Mum asked me to add in 26 people to the guest list because she had been invited or attended their children's weddings. I did, but none of them came as it was over 100 miles away and they didn't know me at all! If the invitations comes from you then there's a good chance they won't even know whom it's from and won't attend!

I agree with MOMB.

This is exactly why we didn't accept any cash from either side's parents.

I think your OH needs to have a very frank and direct conversation with his parents. You should be with him to show you are united but he should lead the conversation. I think if you try to avoid discussing it they will just keep chipping away at him. Tell them straight that it is your day not theirs. You have decided together who you want and that doesn't include strangers. Tell them you didn't realise that their gift came with strings attached and so you will be returning it as you don't want any confusion. Tell them there will be no 'coercing' or 'working on' as if they continue to bring it up this will lead to arguments and bad feeling. You are both adults, you have made your decision and they need to respect that.

It may make things awkward in the short term but dealing with stuff head on will reduce the likely hood of problems further down the line.

The only people who are deciding who is invited to our wedding are me and my OH. We are paying for it ourselves but my mum was with me when I bought my dress and as I went to pay she stepped in and said her and my dad wanted to buy it for me. They have since said they want to pay for the 3 junior bridesmaids dresses - 2 are their grandaughters. These things do not give them any control over my wedding and nor do they expect it to.

I also disagree with those who've suggested you can't invite one cousin and not another. OH and I have approx 130 first cousins between us (yes really!). Some of these we have relationships with and others we could pass in the street without knowing them. Why would we exclude cousins we consider friends? We will even be inviting some cousins and not their siblings. They're all adults, if they have a problem it is theirs to deal with.

Don't allow yourselves to be manipulated or guilt tripped. Have the people you love and who love you with you to celebrate your special day.

Thanks Celtic

That's exactly what we're going to do. OH really doesn't like confrontation with his parents and often ends up backing down as they are very forceful, and used to him bending to their demands. I think it was a bit of a shock to his dad when OH called him up and said that without uninviting some of his friends (which would be a whole political minefield in itself as they're a very close-knit group!) we simply can't accommodate them. He simply said that shouldn't be inviting kids...! (except the one he wants to add to the list...).

I appreciate your point of view MOMB - just to clarify the amount OH's parents gave us was only a very small sum in the scheme of the wedding to secure the date, so I wouldn't consider them co-hosts... I said from the beginning that I wanted to pay for everything ourselves because I didn't want to be in the position that we are in now and having other people making decisions for us...

The money they offered us was offered as a gift with no conditions (in their words!), to spend on whatever we like.

We would have been able to afford the money for the deposit when we went venue shopping, however OH being close to his parents kept them updated all the way and they continued to offer the money... OH decided it would be less of a struggle to accept the money there and then to secure the date we wanted and help his parents feel more involved as they live miles away, rather than cutting back on Christmas. Accepting it was a bone of contention between us as he'd already accepted it without me being there. This led to us telling them we'll pay it back, which they have refused to accept....

We've talked ourselves round in circles. I was tempted to just write them a cheque to pay back the money they gave us but I worry they'd be offended.