Problems with people - rant

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this.

Something that has helped me when I'm dealing with difficult people is to remember that I can't alter their behaviour, but I can alter how I respond to it.

Regarding your MIL, I think you have to accept that one way or another, she is going to cause drama because that is what she does. And unless you are going to ban her from your wedding completely (which is likely to cause even more drama), you have to work out a way of dealing with it that doesn't result in extra stress for you.

For example, take the dress that she wants to wear. If she likes drama, the more you protest about her wearing a white dress, the more she's likely to insist on wearing it. So don't reward her by getting stressed. Tell her once that you don't want her to wear white and if she pushes back, just comment that you have already expressed your wishes and move the conversation on. If she tells you that you can't stop her wearing white, just acknowledge that you are aware of that and change the subject. If she realises that she's not going to be able to wind you up, then she's likely to stop trying. And if she does turn up wearing white, it's going to reflect badly on her, not you, so let it go.

Same thing with her trying to take over on the wedding day, insisting on going in first etc. Where you can set limits on her behaviour, put those boundaries in place and where you can't, just let it go. I'd also start putting her on an 'information diet' right now - ideally, this should have been done early on, but better late than never. The more information someone has, the more they have the ability to interfere. My mother knew practically nothing about our wedding arrangements until the day - I dodged questions by telling her that we were 'saving it as a surprise for the day'. And if she wanted to get involved, we'd put her off by telling her that we didn't want her to have to do anything because she was an honoured guest so we wanted her just to be able to enjoy the day. Sometimes, soft soap will get results that a firm talking-to won't!

Same thing with the other people giving you hassle - put boundaries in place to limit the annoyance where you can, and let go of the rest.

And at the end of the day, keep reminding yourself that what really matters is your marriage. The wedding (and other people's behaviour over it) is one day, and it will soon be in the past. Don't let their behaviour steal your joy in your marriage.

In general, it's better for any issues with parents to be dealt with by the child of that parent, so I think it's a good move for your OH to be dealing with your MIL. I sympathise with you not wanting to upset anyone, but the reality is that right now, these people are upsetting you. And that will upset your OH. So it's better to nip things in the bud as soon as possible.

If MIL does come back with 'oh, I was never planning on wearing white' or 'oh no, I didn't want to be first' etc, then all your OH has to say is 'oh, we must have misunderstood you - I'm so glad that isn't a problem' and move on... When MIL realises that her fun and games aren't upsetting you or coming between you and your OH (which is very likely another reason for them) then it will hopefully discourage her from continuing. And keep a united front - if you come under pressure to make any decisions or give answers, then just say 'we haven't decided that yet - we'll get back to you'. It gives you a breather and also sends the message that the two of you are a team and no one is going to get away with playing one of you off against the other!