*rant alert* stag do related - UPDATE pg 4

It's also worth pointing out that by the same logic that people are using to proclaim it is natural for men to look at other women (and I don't disagree) it is *totally* natural for women to be competitive with one another and feel defensive it their *instinct* is telling them there is a threat. It's a primitive defence mechanism - we would have needed our man to stay near us to protect our family and other females would have been a threat. Whilst men a bilogically programmed to want to spread their seed we are bilogically programmed to not want them to.

Of course we now have reason and logic as men to when looking at other women, to realise that it is unlikely they will abandon us because a woman shook her titties in his face.. just as men know they don't *need* to spread their seed. However, it goes against our primitive instincts to be *alright* with it. So don't feel guilty, it's natural.

The idea that you need counselling because you don't like the idea of another woman grinding against your partner is absolutely ludicrous. It's totally normal not to want that.Just tell him and let him make his mind up.

I wouldn't want some woman grinding against my partner either but I suggested speaking to someone like a counsellor as PB has said she wishes she could deal with the way she feels and she will be wound up for months because of it. I personally wouldn't be bothered but PB has expressed concerns about how to deal with it and nobody here can tell her that. If she tells him to make up his mind and he goes she will still have to deal with her emotions during his trip and long after that.

Fine jojo2, but I hope she wasn't swayed by the reactions of people instantly telling her she was overreacting, to perhaps feel her issues are bigger than they are. I understand she may feel she has issues with confidence or whatever but lets be realistic, not wanting her partner to go to a strip club with a bunch of men who clearly have no respect for women is entirely normal.

She can worry about any issues she has with trust or body image seperately, they have little to do with not wanting another woman grinding against her patner and turning him on. I think it's pretty reasonable to feel unsettled by that thought and not in itself a symptom of relationship or confidence issues.

Hi!

i've only read some responses but as far as the strip clubs go it's usually the stag that gets all the attention from the girls...i don't mind my OH going to a strip club and seeing whatever but...i would be a tad more peed off if he paid money to watch them dance but again not too fussed as long as there is no touching involved! we know our rules!!

my OH went on a stag a few months ago with 21 lads and they went to strip clubs and all paid to go into this private room for a 'lesbian show' and aparently they were mainly focused on the stag (although he was embarrassed!!) and my OH told me about it but told me ''not to tell anyone else because all the lads had vowed to keep it a secret'' now personally i would rather know these things than feel betrayed at a later date because i 'found out' off someone else...me and OH are very honest and because i am pretty ok with the whole strip club thing he feels he can tell me and we can have a laugh, i'd rather that than i scare him into not wanting to tell me anything about what they have been up to!! so becareful you don't say so much about it he doesn't tell you what they did after...

i will be slightly more worried on his stag do but i wouldn't complain if my mates got me a stripper i'd just find it a laugh!! (and probably cringy!!)

just try and remember that the girls are NOT interested in your man or any of the other men in the strip club, they see them as money and thats it (right or wrong) .... they do not want to 'go home' with your bloke and i'm pretty sure your OH isn't interested in them in the slightest...IMO men see it as the thing to do on stag do's and will get a bit carried away (e.g my OH's mates paying for a 'lesbian show' ?!?!?!) but there isn't any harm in your OH being present, if he knows how you feel about this then i'm guessing he just won't pay for a dance etc and once they know he's not going to pay for that they will leave him alone.....

i think if they are planning on escorts/prostitutes etc then your OH should be able to team up with the other one who 'isn't a serial cheat' and they can go to a bar or mooch back to the hotel?

i wouldn't feel betrayed if your OH wants to go just make sure you send him off with a big smile and he will look forward to coming home to you

yes strip clubs are probably wrong and sleezy and all the rest but the girls are doing a job and the stag and stag party are just out looking for a good time...try not to get worked up about it but ultimately leave the decision whether to go up to your OH

hope it all goes ok x

I've not read the whole thread (must go to work) but..

My first issue would be his relationship with these people and why he feels the need to associate with them and call them friends when they clearly have some very major differences in their lives. I know if my friend for example was cheating on her husband, I wouldn't be able to sit back and remain friends with them as I disapprove of the behaviour so much and also wouldn't want people to think I approved of such behaviour.

I, like Kharv am perfectly happy for H to go off into a strip club if he so wishes (though have requested on an upcoming stag do that I don't get to hear the details of what goes on inside). From my experience of being inside one, I certainly don't think any of the men are sitting there and comparing the strippers to their wives - they take it for what it is - a bit of fun with the lads - many of them lairy and drunk and TBH with the last thing but S8ex on their mind - many are thinking about impressing the lads. I also think, well actually from talking to my mates know, that as much as many men love to look at strippers in a club, there are very few men who would want to marry them.

As for what you should do - personally if H was going to do something which didn't sit right with me and I felt as strongly as you clearly do then i'd have to talk to him about it, just because you will end up resenting him if he goes and it may change your opinon of him.

I do hope you can come to some sort of arrangement your both happy with.

it won't be!! this is what we put together for my friend last year and we had the most fantastic day so will you!

? I read this ^ to OH and he looked like he was about to be sick!

I have been reading everyone's replies, and had another chat with OH over the weekend. I asked him about his reply on fb saying 'Probably count me in' to the best man I had seen and he showed it me properly and said it isn't set in stone but he wanted to show enthusiasm and get some more info about prices etc. I know he really wants to be with his close mate, the stag, and I have told him I am not standing in his way. I reckon he will go, and fair play to him, he shouldn't have to restrict his life because of my issues and I want to trust him in that he won't do anything he knows will hurt me. If he says he will avoid the strippers then I will take what he says on face value - and deal with it later on if he tells me otherwise (and I do think he would tell me).

He definitely does feel protective over the stag. I asked him about the 'one last fling' thing and he said he has chatted to the stag recently and he reckons he won't be playing away as last time he did start up something with another girl, my OH and another friend of theirs stepped in and got him to see sense and actually confess to his girlfriend (now fiancee). But OH reckons the best man and some of the other lads who are in relationships will more than likely be on the lookout, as that is their typical behaviour. ? OH is not friends with these people, thankfully, they were once part of a group that he has dropped along the way, but remains close to the stag so I can absolutely see why he wants to be a part of it.

He is determined that if he does go abroad with them, he does not want to be involved in any seedy stuff like flirting, strippers, hookers or anything remotely along those lines. I know my OH and know that he is not the type, he has never been a player and will not even notice gobsmackingly attractive women, its just the way he is built. He knows quite plainly how I feel and we both agree on the privacy of s3xualised behaviour and so on, and has no intention of going along with it.

I pointed out that this is exactly what he said last time, before he went on a UK stag, and he got wasted and went along to watch a strip show with the lads anyway (Mrs W 2b were our OH's on the same stag?! What you put down is more or less how OH described it too!) He said that although he went along with the crowd last time he has 'more to lose' this time (as in now we live together, are engaged, planning a proper future and a family, plus he saw how much it upset me last time) and also is not going to get as drunk. He was once mugged while abroad and out of it on local spirits, so intends to be keeping more alert, rather than trying to deliberately get wasted, plus he wants to watch out and discourage too much trouble for the stag that the other lads might be getting up to. He plans to do what schiocco's fella did, and make out he feels ill and just disappear into the background.

Thanks to everyone who pointed out I have no need to be worried that I have these worries! I know my views are extreme to some, and normal to others. I definitely don't feel repressed or anything, and feel totally comfortable discussing this with OH, my friends, and anyone who will listen! But jojo is right, I do want a way to relax on this issue for these next few months - something like this will just eat away at me, and I know it! So it may be worthwhile trying to find someone to speak to about, though it has helped a lot putting all my thoughts on here and seeing all the various responses so I may leave it for a while and see how I go on. The more I think about it, the more I see my issues are directly related to the idea of some other woman being provocative around my future husband and not general insecurities about my figure or whatever, and I don't see this as a situation that will come up too regularly. At the moment my friends have rallied and we are also going to do something the weekend he will be away to keep me occupied from stressing too much!

haha i reckon it's just that the girls do exactly the same routine but pretend they are giving them a 'special show' it's pretty sad really haha!! your OH sounds like he has learnt from his past experience and wouldn't take part in all the sillyness anyway so sounds like you have nothing to worry about (but i know thats easy to say!!) have a fab girly weekend with your mates and look forward to him coming home x

Well my OH saw the groom to be and had a little chat. Apparently he is saying 'what goes on tour stays on tour' etc etc. My OH tried to press the point, asking outright, 'you aren't going to do any messing about on [missus' name] are you?' The stag replied very vaguely and gave loads of brush offs to OH, saying he 'might or might not' but the best man arranging the trip is currently cheating on long term partner and is planning on checking out the 'ladies of the night' so to speak.

All of this is leading OH to believe the stag and the best man and other guys are definitely going with the view that they are going to well and truly enjoy their last night of 'freedom' with whichever ladies happen to be there, paid s3x workers or otherwise. So OH has decided not to go. He says he cannot stomach the thought of watching the wedding if he has been there witnessing what goes on. He is going to speak to the stag again but has made up his mind he does not want to be a part of it. Apparently the lads are all sharing a room and the best man and 2 of the other lads are planning to get some girls back in there to 'share'...? O

OH is really struggling with this now as the bride to be is a friend and isn't sure if he should say anything or not. I don't really know what to tell him.

Wow what a pickle. Well regardless of what i think or what i would do, im glad you and your OH have come to a resolution your both happy with.

Now, if the bride was a friend of mine, i couldnt keep my mouth shut and let her walk into a marriage knowing he was and possibly will be cheating on her. She deserves th know what she is marrying. If she chooses to not believe you or carry on, fair enough, but she should know. It might be her lucky escape and save her alot of heartache in the future.

Glad your oh has realised how discusting his friends are, shes marrying this man, who obviouly does't even know how to be in a relationship, she will find out what he is like in the end, it might be in 10 years or it might be after the stag party when she realises that her oh has given her a std. eather way when she does find out and she is crying to your oh, he better be a good lier because if she finds out you both sat through her wedding and ate her food and drank her drink and did't tell her she won't be speaking to you ever again, however tell her and the stag certainly won't be talking to you!

PB, I absoluteoy understand your point of view and actually, do not find it extreme,. it's just one point on the continuum of acceptability that we are all on. FWIW I stand with you on this.

My H went on a stag weekend to Majorca a few years ago. This wa not a problem, but the attitude of the groom was. It was common knowledge (indeed the groom boatsed puiblicly about it) that the Groom had a mistress as well as a fiancee, and at one point was fully intending to ask the mistress on the stag do.

With this sort of attitude to women, I seriously doubted that he would consider anything off limits on a stag do and I was concerned, not that my H would cheat, but that his morals would somehow be corrupted by this (in my view) unpleaseant person.

Anyway, H went on stag do, said it was very boring as all the others were drunk all the time and stayed in bed all day recovering, when he wanted to be out and about sightseeing. He was not at all influenced by the bunch of knobs he was with and said it was hardly worthwhile going!

Incidentally, thre groom was late arrested and jailed for a financial fraud at his workplace and my H has since refused to have anything more to do with him.

I felt like you at the time - seriously concerned - but despite any "temptations" my H stayed true to himself and me and I needn't have worried. I expect your OH will come back from Prague utterly relieved to be with a lovely sensible woman like yourself and glad he is a grown up.

How much time is there between the stag do and the wedding? I would be tempted to wait and see what does actually happen on the stag before speaking to the bride. It's one thing to try to big yourself up with the whole "what goes on tour" cr@p, but it's quite another to actually cheat. I wouldn't want to upset the bride (and risk losing a friend) for a load of male bravado, but I would be quite happy to lose the stag as a mate if he did cheat and tell the bride everything - she deserves to know what she's letting herself in for. P.S. Sorry my font is SO massive - using my phone and for some reason my BB likes big font apparently!

I am glad your OH has made the decision on his own and now understands your concerns.

Are you invited to this mans wedding? I personally wouldn't be able to stomach attending knowing what you know, the whole thing is a farce and it is so sad she has no idea about his disgusting behaviour.

I am invited, and it is a few weeks before our own wedding. I really don't want to go knowing what I know about the stag and the best man. The best man will be there will his partner and he is definitely already cheating, let alone on the stag, so that will be horrible enough.

The bride to be knows that her future hubby has cheated in the past (that's why he proposed, to try and 'make it up') so I don't know if it's worth OH losing a long time friend over another potential cheating incident. As someone else said it may come out anyway.

I may suggest what someone here has said, which is wait to see what actually happens. That's if they tell OH anyway, depending on the 'code' he may not find out for sure if anything went on.

Glad he came to this on his own - sounds like a horrible do with horrible men.

As he is not witnessing these things I think I would stay out of it, though I would want to be told if this was the plan for boys stag (its not)