So we've just received our first look photos from our photographer and although she's captured some lovely moments, I really don't like how I look. Tbf, I was totally expecting this, as I've always hated how I look in photos, so it's definitely not her fault at all, I'm just disappointed as I managed to delude myself into thinking I might actually look decent this time, but alas, no. Something just seems to happen to my face whenever some points a camera at it whereby I think I'm smiling perfectly normally but in the photo my face has somehow contorted into a full on gurn: my eyes become all squinty, my cheeks seem to double in size and I develop multiple double chins. I can't stand looking at photos of myself, to the point where I seriously considered just not having a photographer for the day at all, as it seemed like a waste of money when I knew there was such a high likelihood I wouldn't like how I looked in any of the photos. But then I realised how vain that was and that the photos are your record of the day and are as much about capturing lovely moments of your guests as they are of you and your partner. I did warn my photographer about how unphotogenic I am as it runs in the family and my mum is also very uncomfortable in front of the camera, so she knew we'd be challenging subjects! But then everyone says that they hate having their photos taken, so photographers must hear this a lot. I feel like she did the best she could with what she got given. I've asked her if she can find some more flattering group photos where my mum and I aren't gurning horribly, or to edit/stitch together different versions of the group photos to make one where we're all smiling normally. At the moment, everyone else looks really lovely in them except for us, and I'd like to get some of them printed up, but not if I'm looking like that!
I really don't want to hate all the photos of myself from my wedding day, I was hoping to find at least one or two I liked, but I just find it so hard not to immediately see all of my flaws (I'm sure I'm not alone in doing this and have already seen other posts from brides who have apparently felt similarly). It doesn't help that I put on a lot of weight during the lockdowns and utterly failed to lose any of it in the run up to the wedding as I'd intended, due to what a stressful year it's been (if anything, I think I may have gained more weight), and being extremely short, being overweight makes me look incredibly frumpy (I basically look like someone took a normal heighted person and compressed them). So I'm also struggling not to fixate on how fat my arms are or how wide my stomach looks (in spite of the shapewear I was wearing), or the double chins and back fat I seem to have acquired, or how frizzy and misshapen my hair seems to have gone in the group photos. On the day itself, everyone told me how stunning I looked and they sounded so genuine I actually started to believe them, but now I think they were just saying it because it's what you have to say to the bride - I mean you can't exactly tell her she looks like the back end of a truck, can you?!
Anyway, sorry to be so vain and self deprecating, I'm not really looking for any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest and to hopefully hear that I'm not alone in feeling this way about looking at photos of oneself. I didn't used to care this much about my appearance, but I don't think I realised quite how much weight I'd gained, and the photos do not lie. Other people tell me I look fine and I'm being overly hard on myself and then I feel like I'm just being silly and vain, so I don't feel able to voice these thoughts to family and friends, not least because it's really boring for people to hear about and there's nothing they can say that will make me feel any differently, but I can't help how I feel about it. Hopefully when the rest of the photos come back I'll be able to find one or two where I look vaguely decent and am happy to print them up. And if not, I suppose my husband and I could always don our wedding finery at a later point and get a little couples photo shoot done at the venue on a different day, at some point when I've magically managed to lose the lockdown weight (if that ever happens), if I can face getting in front of a camera again that is...!
