Secret wedding

We organized an engagement party/my 40th Birthday originally and that was going to be our secret wedding and then Covid hit so we had to scrap that idea, but it is a good way to do it without people knowing. the only thing was we had some people who we absolutely wanted there but they declined as for some people an engagement party is not seen as important, so bear that in mind, as you could not have key people there. However you do it you need to ensure that people will make the effort to come

I was thinking the same as Charlotte. You will need to give them a good excuse for the event so they prioritise it. The reason will need to fit with the venue because inviting people to a stately home for a standard birthday party seems a bit suspicious. You also need to make it clear how long you need them for on the day. If I got invited to a party at 1pm I would be thinking a few hours, so guests may have planned other things afterwards or not be expected to stay late if you want an evening reception going until midnight.

I agree with Hayley and Charlotte...

It's going to be tricky and you could get people feeling absolutely gutted and possibly upset with you if they missed it. I know if I got invited to my friend's fiance's birthday party, for example, but was already having a bit of a busy weekend then I might not bother going - if I then found out I'd missed my friend's WEDDING I'd be devasted! It would be hard not to be a bit hurt and feel like my friend maybe didn't care so much about me being there if they didn't tell me it was their wedding.

Hayley makes a good point about timing too, again, for a birthday or even engagement party, a lot of people won't take the start time so seriously and might "pop in for a bit" around other commitments they might have. You could find yourselves ready to start and wondering where everyone is or with a lot of early drop offs.

A perhaps silly point, but you might get some guests feeling upset that they're now going to be in photos that you'll have up forever, but they've not dressed up or done their hair or put on make up or whatever and now feel very self conscious - just something to bare in mind to consider the guests reaction in this situation and how it goes beyond that initial "surprise!" moment.

I know this is a bit of a negative reaction, but I'd do everything possible to make it to my friend's wedding but I'm not so sure I would be moving heaven and earth in quite the same way for any other event and would hate for you to miss out on a great day with your favourite people because they didn't prioritise it simply because they didn't know what it was.

I agree with what Chloe said,

as a guest I wouldn't be happy to turn up in jeans and a nice top to a party only to find out it was a wedding what I would have worn a dress to and done my hair nice etc.

for you though if you have a close group of people invited they might be fine with it once you explain that's exactly what you & your partner wanted.

I'm always a bit puzzled why anyone would want to do this unless they are a celebrity trying to dodge the media. I'd love to know the reasoning behind it!

I do agree with PPs about the potential problems though - I would make an effort to travel a distance for a friend's wedding, but if it were just a birthday party, I wouldn't travel nearly as far. And I would expect it to last just a couple of hours and would dress a lot more casually (although if your vibe is casual, that might not be a problem for you)

View quoted message So we’ve organised it for a couple of months time and it is disguised as our engagement party too 😂


We’ve sent out our invites and everyone has rsvp’d so fingers crossed!!
Thank you x

View quoted message It’s mainly because I absolutely hate a fuss! Can’t stand hen parties or things like that. I don’t like being the centre of attention with anything and this way seemed to avoid any of that 😂😂😂

View quoted message Of course you should do whatever you and your partner feel is best but like everyone else, I would have some concerns about not being told it's a wedding. Personally, I'd be prefer to know it's a wedding. I would prioritise it above an engagement or birthday party.


It sounds like a good idea in theory if you hate being the centre of attention, but by making it a secret you're actually putting yourself right smack in the middle of all the attention! Everyone will want to know why you kept it secret and you'll have more people coming up to you than at a standard wedding etc. where guests usually hold back until after the ceremony etc.
Now, an intimate wedding of 40 people is still beautiful and at least guests would know how to behave. Also you don't need to have any of the trappings that we're made to believe we should have. Don't have a hen do, don't go for a big reception with a first dance or speeches. It's your wedding so do what makes you happy.

Best of luck with it all.

I agree with @Kyla that a secret wedding is NOT the way to go if you don't want to be the centre of attention - because it's an unusual thing to do, you are going to get a lot more comment and attention than if you just had a quiet, small wedding. The only advantage is that by not telling anyone in advance, you won't get anyone presenting you with their ideas for the wedding beforehand!

It's good that everyone has responded they are coming - I would suggest either having a very low-key, casual event or sending out a dress code - you don't want anyone turning up in jeans and feeling awkward when they realise it's a wedding!

Great that people have RSVPd however if they think it is your engagement party have you thought about how you are going to avoid people being fashionably late? Weddings are the only event I would get to 30 minutes early so as not to miss the start of the ceremony - you don’t want people turning up in the middle!


Also have you considered how you will manage people not feeling up to it on the day? I know for example if I wasn’t feeling well I might bail out of an engagement party but I would make a big effort to attend a wedding even if I only managed the ceremony

View quoted message So far we’ve had our replies and everyone is coming (this could change though!)


We’ve also booked accommodation for everyone the night before and the night of the wedding. Just so everyone is there already and hopefully reduce people dropping out. I feel like people are more likely to attend if they get a weekend or free accommodation too 🤞🏻🤞🏻 Any other ideas welcome! Xx