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Anonbride
Expert July 2023 Cornwall

Should i invite this girl to my wedding?

Anonbride, 23 of February of 2022 at 14:22 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 14

Here's the situation: we have 50 spots on our guestlist, and have filled 40 of them. We're trying to decide on the final 10 but it's getting tricky.

FH and I have a joint friendship group from university. At the moment, we've invited the 7 people that we hangout with individually outside of a group context. The rest of the group we only really see in group contexts (in various clusters, not just the entire group in one go).

The only person I don't want to invite is this girl, let's call her Karen. I have a long standing issue with her, firstly because of the time she jumped on top of my ex boyf and started making out with him while we were still together, secondly because of how all over my FH she often is. Karen is more FH's friend than mine, but after I raised this with him he's taken quite a solid step back from that friendship so they are friends but not as close now. Karen got married* in January, and I really like her now husband. However, even though she's married, most of the girls in the group (apart from her best friend) still have an issue with her and still find she behaves unacceptably around their other halves. Other than my FH, all of the guys (stereotypically!) are fairly oblivious.

A little while ago, I brought up with her that I felt like she might have a problem with me, and ever since I have noticed her making an effort to be nice to me. So there is a part of me that wants to try to be her friend as life would be so much easier if I genuinely liked everyone in the group. She is very much a staple person in the friendship group who goes to most group things.

My ideal situation is to invite the rest of the group, as all together they are so fun, but not Karen. However, I feel like that sends a very firm message on how I feel about her and will make it blindingly obvious to the rest of the group - I fear all the oblivious guys will think I look like a bitch and it'll open a whole can of worms. I also think the rest of the group are kinda expecting an invite and it might be a bit awkward if we don't invite them - they've done nothing wrong and are our friends.

There's part of me that really thinks I should just suck it up invite everyone, including Karen, as she's clearly trying to be nice to me and I do really like her husband. However, I still get that pang of panic every time I see her anywhere near my FH because of her past behaviour and I don't really want that on my wedding day...

Any advice?


*If it makes a difference, we were initially only invited to their wedding evening. We got upgraded at the last minute, but declined the upgrade and only went to the evening - as we were aware that we may not reciprocate the invite. We aren't inviting additional evening guests to our wedding, everyone is invited for the full day.

14 replies

Latest activity by Tamsin, 28 of February of 2022 at 13:03
  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    It doesn't matter how many women fling themselves at your husband as long as he isn't interested. If you trust your OH not to respond to her inappropriate behaviour, then you have no need to worry (and if you don't trust him, you shouldn't be getting married anyway, whether or not 'Karen' is at the wedding!)

    It sounds as if her behaviour is well known in your group, so I doubt anyone would be upset by her being included. Since she has tried to improve her behaviour, I agree it might be a backward step if you were not to invite her.

    So in general, I'd say invite her. But if her being present is going to ruin your wedding, then don't.

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  • Charlotte
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    Hell NO, wouldn't be inviting her. She clearly still makes you uncomfortable regardless of her making an effort and you don't need the stress on your day. The fact you were not originally invited to hers helps, not that you have to justify your reasoning. You have limited numbers and there is your out, you both don't have the same level of relationship with her as you do with others so is an easy one for me, if anything is said then you can say it was hard to include everyone and you had some tough decisions and there are other people you are also not having at the day. Itis your day and as long as you are happy then don't worry about what others think. If she gets offended that's her problem, her behaviour is not acceptable and you don't need that around you. If you want to them maybe have a chat with her to explain you can't invite due to limits, if she takes it well and still makes an effort you could upgrade if you get declines and feel comfortable with it later on
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  • Littlemy
    Dedicated April 2022 Kent
    Littlemy ·
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    I'd invite her but any inappropriate behaviour I'd take her to one side and calmly but firmly tell her that your husband finds her flirting embarrassing. I'd also add that if you were a jealous woman you would be giving her more that just a friendly heads up. Give her a don't mess with me attitude and tou might find she won't do it again and treat you with the respect you deserve.
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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    I currently have her on the B list in my head... for a potential upgrade nearer the time if she's still being nice. But based on this would you be inviting the rest of the group and it be only her that doesn't get an A list invite?

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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Oh I am definitely not brave enough to do that! There have been so many times I've wanted to tell her she's been behaving inappropriately but I just wimp out!

    She's definitely got that "mean girl" vibe, none of the other girls have confronted her about how she acts around their boyfriends, a lot of it is in those "I could have him if I wanted him" looks she gives us as well. Basically we're all a bit scared of her and none of us are the type to cause a scene... everyone just tries to stick as close to their bf as possible when she's around and I know I'll be doing that at my wedding anyway but I also don't want to feel like I can't get distracted by my friends :/

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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    I definitely trust FH! I think it's just the memory of her literally jumping on top of my ex before he even had a second to realise it. She's done it to at least one guy as well. Both times she was in serious relationships so her being married now doesn't make me feel any safer.

    I think this is what I'm trying to decide, I know that her being there would make me anxious, but I don't really know to what extent I'd feel like that would ruin my wedding day...

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  • Charlotte
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    That is a tricky one as it will only be her not invited so may seem obvious, but that may make her think about why and change her behaviour. It is really up to you, and how comfortable you are with making that statement. Personally, I wouldnt worry about it as in honesty it would stress me out thinking about how she is going to behave and it is your day so you do not need to justify wwho and why you invite people. I would say you have plenty of time before you need to send invites, as you usually send 4-6 months before, so maybe just sit on it for a while and see how she is over the next few months, and then decide as it wont effect the others as you wont be sending your invites for a while so you dont need to make a full decision right now on inviting her or the others. If she maintains this new behaviour then invite her along with everyone else, if not then just invite them and explain to her you have tight numbers so unfortunatly you cannot extend to her and hubby. I think you will do all thegirls a favour by not inviting her, she sounds horrendous and you dont need that stress on your wedding day.

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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Yeah I think all the girls would be so relieved and all the guys would be like "why have you excluded her" haha!

    We're actually planning on sending all our save the dates at least a year in advance (40/50 already done!) as our wedding's in Cornwall which is a destination for all our guests and we want to give everyone time to book accommodation - places go stupidly far in advance for summer! So need to make this decision by this summer really. We've been advised to send our formal invites 4-6months in advance because that'll be really last minute in accommodation terms if we have any declines and any B-listers get bumped up!

    But we do have a few months, yes, to think about this. It's just been really playing on my mind as I've been trying to spend time with the people who are contenders for these final A-list spots to help me make the decision...

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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    If she's going to make you anxious then leave her out.

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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Just her? Would you invite the rest of the group and she be the only one cut?

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  • xkimx007
    Beginner October 2022 South Yorkshire
    xkimx007 ·
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    I wouldn't invite her from what you've described. It's your wedding, you shouldn't invite anyone that makes you feel uncomfortable. Sounds like your FH will obviously understand, as will the other females in the group. It's all very well and good that she's making an effort now but I don't think that means you are obligated to then have to put her feelings before your own on YOUR wedding day.

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  • Pinkcoffee22
    Dedicated April 2022 Staffordshire
    Pinkcoffee22 ·
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    What did you decide to do, sweet? Xx
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  • Anonbride
    Expert July 2023 Cornwall
    Anonbride ·
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    Haven't decided yet! Still completely torn!

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  • T
    Rockstar May 2022 Oxfordshire
    Tamsin ·
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    Don’t invite her but do invite the rest of the group. If she kicks up a fuss that’s your chance to explain to her that you don’t appreciate her behaviour. If she bucks up her ideas and starts behaving appropriately before the wedding you can invite her then, but otherwise just leave her out. Maybe it will give her cause to think!
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