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Amabel
Beginner June 2022 West Midlands

Should my brother be one of my fiancé’s groomsman?

Amabel, 1 October, 2020 at 00:25 Posted on Planning 0 7
I have recently got engaged and have a dilemma. My parents immediately let us know that they would happily pay for the cost of the wedding, which we obviously really appreciate. However it has left me feeling indebted to them somewhat. They convinced us (me) not to do the wedding abroad and they also convinced us (me) that we should have a church ceremony. I say it like that because my fiancé is very laid back and generally wants me to be happy so far has gone along with decisions we have made.


It has come to the point where we need to decide on our wedding party. My mum has dropped several hints that she thinks my brother should automatically be invited to be my fiancé’s groomsman. Here’s the thing: my fiancé already has about 7 very close friends he has grown up with who he is struggling to choose between. Neither myself or my fiancé are particularly close with my brother; he lives in a different city and we only see one another on family occasions. Additionally, he is a polar opposite to my fiancé and his groomsman and I think my fiancé would feel very awkward having him around on the stag do.
Having said that, I am considering having my fiancé’s sister as a bridesmaid. We are not super close but we do see each other much more often as we live in the same town and she wouldn’t have a problem fitting in for the hen do etc. Also, I only have one or two close friends so it’s easy to include her, especially as my fiancé plans on having many groomsman.
I just know my mum is going to cause a big fuss if she doesn’t get her way. I’m not really sure how my brother would feel about it because I haven’t asked but he usually takes his cues from mum and would no doubt follow her lead in being irrationally hurt by the situation. At the end of the day, I feel my fiancé has already compromised enough and should get to choose his close friends first. Am I in the wrong here?

7 replies

Latest activity by HappyBlueConfetti82011, 20 October, 2020 at 16:01
  • Charlotte
    Dedicated February 2022 South East London
    Charlotte ·
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    It's so tricky trying to keep everyone happy, especially when one party is providing the bulk of the financial contribution.

    Would you be able to give your brother another role? It sounds like you don't have a huge bridal party so could you include him on your side somehow? You could ask him to do a reading, or be a witness or just escort your mother down the aisle. 'Bridesman' is sort of becoming a thing, but if your family are quite traditional this might not work!

    Sometimes in the UK groomsman and usher are used interchangeably, so if your fiance used 'ushers' for his groomsmen, your brother could be 'the bride's usher' which would work well with him escorting your mum and generally helping you out.

    You could have him in the same outfit as the groomsmen or something different that fits with the bridal party - e.g. have a different tie that matches the bridesmaids dresses, and maybe your dad could have the same tie.

    If there are complaints about him not being a groomsman, you could stress that YOU want him over your fiance having him!

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  • R
    Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    No. Brides and grooms should get to pick their own wedding party - after all, the whole point is to have a bunch of close friends/family support you on the day, so if you end up having to include someone you don't know/feel close to, it kind of makes the whole thing pointless.

    But that IS the problem with parents paying - they do feel they can dictate.

    You could try to pre-empt any problems by contacting your brother and asking him to take on another role - maybe doing a reading for example. It also might be worth re-considering including your fiance's sister (unless you have mentioned bridesmaid role to her already) as your mother may be happier that your brother isn't in the wedding party if the groom's sister isn't included either.

    If your parents really throw their weight around (either you do it our way or we don't pay) then you'll either have to compromise on groomsmen or have a simpler wedding that you pay for yourselves. But hopefully, getting your brother to do something else will pacify them enough to give way.

    It does sound though, as if this is fast becoming their wedding, not yours, bearing in mind you've already swapped a destination wedding for a UK church wedding. Maybe it's time to have a discussion with your fiance and see if your parents footing the bill is really worth it. Could you afford the wedding you want without their input?

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  • G
    Beginner September 2021 East London
    Gaby ·
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    I like Charlottes advice and would maybe sell the idea to your mum as your brother 'playing a more important role' than the one she originally hinted. Perhaps he can have several important roles to play on the day?
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  • Amabel
    Beginner June 2022 West Midlands
    Amabel ·
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    Thanks for this great advice! I think I will ask him to do a reading and act as bridal usher kind of thing (haven’t decided what to call it yet). My brother is gay but not the stereotypical type so not sure how he will feel about being called bridesman. But he will definitely like having some responsibility to do on the day and hopefully it should keep my mum happy too.
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  • Amabel
    Beginner June 2022 West Midlands
    Amabel ·
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    Thanks for your reply! I totally agree it sounds as though my parents are throwing their weight around a bit, but in all fairness we made the ultimate decision to have the wedding in the UK together (so my grandparents can attend). I am a people pleaser and don’t want anyone to feel put out by having to attend. And I guess I want my fiancé, brother and mum to all be happy with how things go down on the day too!


    I think I’m going to ask him to do a reading as per your suggestion and maybe act as a bridal usher/ give him some other things to do on the day. I’m also reconsidering asking my fiancé’s sister as it does seem kind of unfair in retrospect. Aaahhh so many decisions!!
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  • Amabel
    Beginner June 2022 West Midlands
    Amabel ·
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    Yes me too, I think that’s what I’m going to do. Just need to find the right moment with Mum and convince her this is actually a much better idea, without him the wedding would fall apart etc etc haha
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  • HappyBlueConfetti82011
    Beginner September 2020
    HappyBlueConfetti82011 ·
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    I asked my brother to be my "chauffer" as I'm going in our own car (hubby-to-be's pride and joy!) so he's driving me and my Dad in the back. I'm getting him a chauffer hat as a joke Smiley laugh and I've also asked him to be one of our two witnesses. I have two bridesmaids so couldn't pick between them to be the witness on my side and I wanted to involve him as we are close and get on well. My Mum hinted maybe he should be a Groomsmen but fiance already has about 7 and we're buying all the suits so it was getting pricey! Plus he's on my side and I've not got any females from his side in my bridal party. So there are other ways you can include him and make him feel part of the day without having to go along with what your parents or others think Smiley smile

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