Smokers

My oh and I both smoked when we got together he has now quit but I still smoke, he now hates me smoking moans that I stink of fags etc but has never demanded that I quit, I will do eventually but I think with most habits it has to be the individual that wants to give up not to please another person otherwise their heart just won't be in it.

Even if he has 'quit' but has the odd cheeky one now and again is it really so bad?

Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and he said something to you like you need to go on a diet and stopped you from eating cake, chocolate etc if you agreed and decided to diet I'm sure you would have a cheeky chocolate at work or something??

My H is as we speak is trying to quit, it's been 5 days since his last ciggy, I've been asking him to quit for sometime now as he has Asthma, he defines illogocal anyway after suffering a very bad chest infection he has decided that he needed to stop, not to mention what it costs us every month! I am quite proud of him because he's been somking for 10 years and he is only using the gum to help him. I know 5 days seems like nothing but he has struggled with it and I just keep trying to encourage him, I myself would often have a ciggy with a glass of wine if we were out so I definitely wont smoke from now on. I do think that when he goes to London next week working that he might have a few I really hope he doesn't because then all this has been for nothing. I would never underestimate how hard it is for a smoker to pack in so try not to get angry with him just be supportive.

I think this is a slightly harsh attitude. It won't have been for nothing, it's five days worth of cigarettes he hasn't smoked. That's a good thing. It will also show him that managing blocks of days is OK and (with your support in a more constructive manner!) that having a break from giving up doesn't mean you can't start to give up again the next week.

Footlong, I havn't said this to him, I have been nothing but supportive. I meant him going through the stress of wanting a cigarette knowing he can't have one, and what it is doing to him mentally, he's not rational at the moment, he's snapping etc etc so to me it seems pointless putting yourself through this to then give in have a few cigarettes and then go back to trying to pack in again. Does that make sense.

My H was a smoker when we met. I told him I could never date a smoker, so he quit so we could be together.

There have been times where he's had a crafty fag, which would have been OK if he hadn't lied about it.

As a non smoker, I could really smell it on him, yet he lied, that is what pi$$ed me rather than the fact he smoked.

I didn't think anything different. I wasn't picturing you lecturing him!

I was trying to encourage you not to view it in the worst light. It will be frustrating for you to see good work undone but it's his call at the moment. Maybe having a few cigarettes - feeling a little sick, having the smell really obvious to him, making a small hangover all the worse - will sharpen his focus?

It's difficult watching him suffer with these horrible chest infections which he gets about 3 times a year and every time they come back it's worse than the time before, he's had all week off work, he had to be put on a nebulizer Tuesday so it's hard to not see the worst. I would like him to stop and then never start again for the sake of his health, in reality I know there is every chance he will have a relapse, as OB said he's human. However I would never have a go at him for it.

I didn't demand that he quit, i just told him i didn't like it and that i wouldn't be happy being married to a smoker forever or bringing children into an environment where one of their parents was smoking, but it was ultimately his decision to quit and i did tell him he didn't have to do it if he didn't want to.

Like Ebony Rose has mentioned its not really the slip ups that bother me, its the lying. I fully understand it must be extremely hard when you're addicted to something to give up completely and there will be times you can't cope. As you said FJ, if i was dieting i probably would have the occasional "naughty" thing but i know i wouldn't lie about it and its the lying that annoys me. If he told me he had had a cigarette and didn't try to hide it from me yes i would be disappointed but i would accept it and we could forget about it but lying always makes it worse, especially when i always know when he's lying and he eventually has to admit he has been smoking but a 3 hour argument about me not liking him lying always has to come first.

Thanks for all the replies though, its good to get other people's perspectives on these things!

My OH gave up smoking about 7 years ago, but he still has the odd social smoke, and when he goes to his dads down south, he says he can't not smoke, just can't do it. And as much as he does enjoy it at the time, he hates it the next few days as he can taste it, and he gets a horrible hacking cough. As time goes on, he social smokes less and less. The only time he really craves a cigarette now is when he is really stressed. And he craves so badly that even I notice it. This doesn't seem to decrease with time, but he virtually always resists it unless someone who smoked is nearby. I guess somethings are always going to have a hold.

I hate smoking. My H doesn't smoke, never has. I was having this conversation last night with a friend as his OH smokes and he doesn't like it but can't convince her to stop so has accepted it. Smoking would definately be a deal breaker for me in a relationship as I hate it so much.

My OH smokes like a trooper (not in the house, he has to go down the garden.) It desn't bother me. I smoked throughout most of my teens, until I got pregnant with LG & the smell of it (along with anything that wasn't clean air) made me throw up. So was no problem for me quitting! It doesn't bother me in the slightest that he smokes, yes I worry about his health but like with most addictions he's only going to quit if he wants to.

The only problem is when he moans about money, and I remind him that we'd be better off if he didn't have a £7-10 a day habit..

I didnt think my oh was a smoker whe I met him, I found out after I had fallen for him about 3 months down the line that he quit around 1 month before we met. However he smoked on tis occasion when we went out with his friends who live quite far from us. I really did hate it, and if he had been a smoker on our first date I might not have pursued us further. He then moved to Belgium every other week for work, I questioned him once about the smell and he said he had been outside with some work mates there and then had just driven straight home without a shower. I thought nothing more of it. He then moved to Sicily where there wasn't as much chance to come home, so I spent holidays from work there. It was then I found out he had started smoking full time again, I had started to put up with him smoking on a night out prior to this. It did upset me, I really didn't want to be with a smoker but I loved him too much for it to be a deal breaker by then.

When he moved home we agreed that he would not smoke in the evenings but just at work, he would go outside on days off. Still hated it but knew he would hate me if I made him do something he didn't want to do. He decided at Christmas he wanted to quit, however didn't before he went back to work after the hols and found he couldn't when at work full time. I had to leave him to it. When we found out about our baby he was really worried that it was his fault and had increased the chances of it happen, this was his final push. The day I went into hospital for the termination he stayed with me the whole day and that was the day he quit. He had 2 on the day he went back to work, and realised he needed some of the gum and the mist spray, which he found really good. He hasn't smoked since which is around 3 months now. He has learnt for him he can't have one or two as it will make him start again and he can't control it. I think this was important for him to know himself and I really hope it stays that way now

My H smokes, I do not (have asthma). He smoked when I first met him, but he did give up for a year or so, but then he got a stressful job and started smoking again. Also, when he was off the ciggs, he was as grumpy as hell.

I would like him to stop for his health really. My paternal granddad died of a smoking related cancer, and I don't want H to develop something like that, but he's a grown man, and nagging him would make him smoke more, so I've just accepted that's how he is.

Mr Knees smoked a lot socially when I first met him, although never sober. I've always hated smoking, and told him how much I disliked it, although I never asked him to quit or cut down. Since we've been together, over the years, he's gradually smoked less and less and will now only smoke when he's on a proper bender. He's said that he'll completely give up when we're TTC though.

My dad was a 40 a day smoker when he met my mum. She was a nail biter. They agreed to give up before they got married and they've stuck to it for 32 years!

What I don't understand is how someone can keep it secret from their OHs.

My friend has the odd crafty one whilst wearing a glove(!) and then cleans his teeth afterwards and I have no idea how his gf doesn't know

When we met we both smoked. I stopped when I fell pregnant. We have never smoked in the house or in front of the children - they don't know anything about it. He is meant to be stopping to show me supoort but has only cut down so far. He has assured me that he will stop before the baby is born, which I believe he will do.

My H smokes, not a lot, about 7 a day. When we met he had given up for a year or Id never have gone out with him, I absolutely detest it. He started smoking again last year and although he knows I hate it, he never smokes in the house, or near me. He will wash his hands, clean his teeth and change his top after every cig, which is a consideration for me. ( I have loads of washing!). I just wish he would give up, for his health more than anything.

My mum has smoked heavily for 40 years and is now in the last stages of emphysema, she's been told she doesnt have long to live and refuses to go into hospital. It breaks my heart to see her so ill, she's only 57. Such a waste.

I recently found out my 19 yr old daughter had been smoking, albeit for a brief time. I went off my dinger with her, after seeing what her gran is going through, she stopped. She said it was stress that made her do it. I would be gutted if any of my girls smoked, I feel really strongly about it.

I was a social smoker- I would have one or two on a night out but the smoking ban brought an end to that. Im asthmatic so it makes no sense for me to smoke really.

I've never gone out with anyone who has smoked cigarettes. One or two exes had a penchant for illegal substances to be smoked which oddly I can handle a lot more of than the smell of cigarette smoke.

I used to love smoking. I did it for 11 yearsand never once tried to quit, I couldn't bear the idea of having to go through the withdrawal! I eventually did bite the bullet because the price of fags went up yet again and I just thought no...I need to stop this. 2 weeks of me being tearful and H being supportive and I finally felt better. He never forced me tonquit, and if I had given in and had one he'd have been disappointed but what stopped me relapsing was that I couldn't put him through that 2 hellish weeks again. I am the kind of person who couldn't just have 1 more, I'd fall right off the wagon. I still crave them occasionally 18 months later.

so pleased I did quit though.