So angry and upset. family issues

So sorry to hear this - completely understand where you are coming from, we prioritised friends over family because these are the people we are closest to, see regularly and want to be with us to share our day. I think some in laws are very much in the traditional camp and feel that weddings should be family first and friends if they fit. It's hard, but stand firm - this is your day and you have to have those there that are special to you, and parents/in-laws need to accept that they aren't necessarily family. It already sounds like you've tried to make it fair between both families numbers-wise.

This sounds awful. I think you and your OH need to stand firm in the decision's you've made as a couple.

If you're paying for the wedding yourself I wouldn't even allow this converation to take place.

If the in laws are helping I would just point out how grateful you are for that which is why they have more people attending on their side. But you have needed to draw a line somewhere and are not inviting people you haven't seen in a few years

Good luck!

x

Sorry to hear this, I feel for you. You and your OH need to stick to your guns, you clearly had good reason to invite/not invite people, she needs to be told that unless she is prepared to pay for the 'additional people' then she needs to grin and bare it!

I have read a lot about MIL who seem to think they are in charge/ or are 'chief judge' of what is happening in your wedding. You need to put her straight before she starts interfering in everything!

Good luck

I can see why you're upset. The main issue is not who is invited but who is paying for this wedding.

If parents are paying (as in the traditional sense) then they would traditionally be the ones inviting people to the wedding and choosing the guest list.

However, in your case I suspect OH's mum is not paying for the wedding! She has over-stepped the mark. She would not, even in a traditional sense, have a say in the guest list because the bride's family traditionally pay and invite the guests.

You need to make it very clear that she has two options:

1 Pay for the wedding

2 Shut up

Wow!! I would simply sit her down and tell her it is OUR wedding and we will invite who we please, if she doesnt like it bad luck on her, it is YOUR day! Do what makes both of you happy, family or friends doesnt make a difference, some of my family i havent seen in two years and im not inviting them to my wedding, why should i? Im not in any way close to them My older relatives havent said a word, times have changed, if she wants them to be there so bad ask her if she would like to pay for them to come and wait for that reaction x

I second this.

It does sound like an awful situation to be in, but what a lot of overgrown children! Your OH's brother sounds like a right **** (he might be lovely but what a thing to take a sulk over).

This! We our paying for the whole of our wedding and it's no one's business but ours how we choose to use our own money. It is hard though, we've had people complaining that no children are invited to our wedding and it makes me feel awful because it's not like we're are doing it to be spiteful! I feel for you but stay strong and try not to let other people's opinions upset you.

Tell her if she wants them to come, she has to pay for them! That will shut her up x

I agree with all the above! Tell her to either pay for the guests she wants or Shut up.

Its your wedding do not let her take control or try and bully you into anything you don't want or cant afford.

This sucks, the number of threads on family problems at the moment is a real bummer. I dunno why weddings make people so crazy.

But I echo what everyone else has said. I know it's hard but its time to put your big girl pants on. Practice calmly saying this phrase: "I'm sorry you feel that way, but as it's our wedding, we're inviting who we want." Make sure your OH backs you up.

Thanks ladies. We are paying for the wedding ourselves and despite that she thinks she has some right to tell us what to do. I should have seen this coming as she has to having her way all the time. She's a little spoilt I guess.

The thing that is still really p***ing me off is she said if all her family aren't inviting, none of them are allowed to come and basically threw the invites (we've spent a lot of time making) back at us. This is sad as my OH is close to the family he chose to invite and she is now stopping him from having them there to share his special day.

She is selfish. She's insisting that her and her husband will be the only people going from her side of the family, that means that now she will be sitting on a table with her husband alone, a table for 8! It's ridiculous!

My other half did say if she paid then we could perhaps accommodate and she said no.

At this point I feel like inviting all the family of mine we couldn't afford!

We did say that it was our day and she said "well its mine as well and I'm very upset and disappointed" and then started crying.

Well boohoo to her. It isn't her day in any way - I'm not saying she can't be included, but for her to think she has any control ... argh!. I wonder if this is how her in laws behaved when she was getting married.

I feel awful for you having to juggle this crock of narcissists. I'd've lost my temper long before you. Try not to get upset and stick to those guns.

You and your OH are paying. It REALLY is your day.

If your h2b still wants them there get him to send the invites out to the relatives. As they don't need to be sent out by your mil.

Have you spoken to your Gil as he may be able to mediate a bit perhaps

Don't leave it spoil your day

It baffles me when guests are so rude as to complain about your wedding when they're not even paying for it?! It's hard enough to plan a wedding and to pay for it. You don't need to be told who to invite...

Sorry....what does Gil mean? Lol

I will speak to my OH about just sending them out although I imagine that would really make things kick off!! She would hit the roof!! That's a decision for him to make, I'm not that brave! Lol

Ah predictive text arghh should be fil father in law lol

Yeah def leave it to him to decide, I think you have been quite reasonable with her as you are paying and have offered her if she really wants them then she could pay herself

I'd be sending those invites out direct ?

Theres no need to be going on like that…especially as she's not paying for any of it!!

Also I think she means FIL!!

I would invite the other relatives, it's your wedding you have put thought into your guest list it's only fair they chose themselves rather then by someone else! Leave the dust to settle then get your OH to simply state to her it's not up to her who you guys invite and that he will be sending the invites out.

Ah, FIL....My OH's parents are divorced and her husband just goes along with her unreasonable ways for a quiet life I think!

Just mentioned it to OH about sending invites directly to them and he just looked at me like I was crazy! Lol.

I might just invite more of my family. That would really p*** her off! I think she is waiting for us to back down like everyone else so that would be a real shock!

Mm, no it really isn't. Emotional blackmail, don't give in to it.

Even better - invite more friends (just because she can't then turn round and claim you were angling for your family from the beginning), or doubly better, cut your numbers and save the cost.

I am sorry but if she threw the invites back at me I would have told her where to go! She has no right to be this way! You should invite who you want to invite and if she doesnt like it tell her to either lump it or dont turn up.

I would def invite the family directly otherwise you dont know what kind of story she will come up with about why they cant go to your wedding, if anything as long as you ensure they are invited you save face and she looks like the child

How sad for you and OH! That's terrible behaviour.

it looks like your OH agrees with you though so that's the main thing. You are the guys paying and so you're also inviting. id leave OH to discuss this with her and only get involved if you really need to. She'll just blame you otherwise although it's a joint decision.

I really feel for your OH. This must have been so embarassing for him! Hope she sees sense soon. She's probably acting like a spoilt brat because she's already told her relatives they were invited without speaking to you first. Probably worried about how they'll react.

I'm sorry, but what???

Just send the invitations. It isn't up to her to decide who gets to come to your wedding and who doesn't.

Your OH needs to man up and tell her to stop being such a drama queen I'm afraid.

But in the meantime, just post the darn things!

I would send her a message saying" I'm really sorry it's come to this but I have tried to be reasonable 1) inviting more of your family than mine and 2) advising that if you pay for the additional family members as we can't afford them they can obviously come. You unfortunately however have been unreasonable and said none of your side of the family can now come and this is a shame. We will however now be allocating there places to some more of my family and friends who would have loved to have been invited to the day but we're just happy they were able to spend any of it with us. They will be extremely grateful and happy that they can now join us for the whole day. We will let your family know the decision you have made on our behalf and send our apologies. If you could rsvp by the specified date I would be grateful. Thank you". Or tell her in order to invite some of the guests she wants there you will have to cut her and her husband out

That way you have kinda proof of what she's done and said and your making her aware it's her fault not yours and that your not backing down. Don't back down its YOUR day not hers, I've not backed down once and so far complications (although minor) have gone in my favour. Half the guests won't even know who she is.

This and this. She is being a brat!

I'm So angry! ! My OH is now saying that we should just invite them all because 'he wants them there'. It's funny, since he really DIDN'T want them there. He doesn't want them there at all, he is just giving in to his mummy and her emotional blackmail and I'm really not having it.

What do I do?

I feel like screaming!!

Ohhhh we're having such similar problems! Due to the size of our families, plus all manner of 'step' relatives to consider, it's a nightmare. However. We have room for 50 people at the breakfast. That's it. That's the maximum the venue can hold, and the maximum we can afford anyways! So we've taken 24 people each and invited them. It's been hard, and some people have spat their dummies over others not being invited but facts are facts. So IMHO you need to tell your OH that great, if he wants those people then fine, but he needs to work out who he is going to sacrifice, as the max number is the max number. If he would rather Auntie so-and-so who he sees once a year was there over his best mate from work who he sees every day then that's his choice - but no-one you have invited will be cut to pander to his, frankly very out of order, mother!

Can you tell I recently had the same convos with my family.....?!

If you give in now it will be like that the rest of your life.

it isn't her day.

tell her to organise a blessing if she wants a day of her own.

tell your partner to start being an adult - not a mummy's boy

good luck - what a horrid situation to be in - any chance you can just not invite her?! ;-)

I wish I could just not invite her! She will probably spend the day sulking anyway, I will have to sit her with the children, on a high chair and give her her dummy back!

I can see this causing issues between me and my OH since he will want to please his mother and I refuse to let her have her own way!

What a nightmare your mother in law to be sounds, as everyone else says it's not her day!!! Don't give in to your other half, you are paying for your wedding and its really none of your fmil business as to who you are inviting. My mil also wasent happy as her friends and kids weren't invited to our evening reception, she kept on asking, saying she wasent happy, we explained that we were over numbers already and obviously more people = more money. I honestly believe that people who have never planned a wedding do not understand the cost involved! I thought wedding planning would be an amazing experience but it's not when others start giving their opinion. Your fiance needs to stand up to his mum, if she hasn't contributed or offered to then tell her your decision is final. Hope you get it sorted out soon!! You may find that by standing up to her that your relationship changes with her, mine did! Xx