So angry and upset. family issues

I agree it could be a bad thing if you and your OH don't stand your ground on this. She'll get the impression that it really is "her day too" and use the emotional blackmail and tears everytime she doesn't like your plans.

Suggested points of rebuttal to your OH:

1. Ok, that's fine, but given I already have less people coming than you, there are people that I really want there as well. So if we're inviting extra people we need to go halves on that.

2. How are we going to afford the extra guests?

3. (if necessary) If you're going to change your mind on this, how are we going to make it clear to your mother that she does not get to dictate our day? (Said in the nicest possible way, of course)

Hopefully, pointing out that if he's inviting extra people then it's only fair that you get to invite some on your side as well, and that those people will need paying for somehow, will refocus his mind onto why you came to the original decision. At the moment, I imagine his thoughts are very much focused on the fact that his mum is so upset and he's not thinking completely rationally.

*hugs*

I don't have family issues like this (fortunately) but in the past I have been on the wrong end of an emotionally abusive/manipulative relationship. You shouldn't give in to this passive aggressive emotional blackmail.

Have you committed to your venue? Could you call her bluff and get married with a couple of close friends in attendance then throw a massive buffet party (maybe in your original venue on the original date so as not to lose deposit)?

I agree with above if u give in now she has won and will take over your day

Buy if you do end up with more people then you should get to invite the same amount of people from your family and friends

We are set with the venues, invites are out. We get married 6th June this year.

I will see her tomorrow for mothers day, so I imagine it will be round 2. I wasn't going to go but I think my OH will give in to her sob stories and emotional blackmail and i will be p***ed if he comes home to say he's given in. I think I would kill him!! lol

It will actually be more of my family coming now too, as my uncle has offered to pay for my cousins kids to come as they are going to struggle with babysitters and going back and fourth since the children were invited to the evening only. This was only discussed today.

So my OH is now saying that she has reason to moan because more of my family are there than hers.

My argument is that yes, more of my family will be there now but despite them being my family, my OH is really close with them, even more so than me! We go out together in a large group regularly, and my OH goes paintballing and plays online with them on ps4, so therefore they aren't just 'MY' guests, they are 'OURS'.

I'm not sure what she could say about that, my OH is really close with my family, we have been together for over 9 years so hes created good relationships with them. It's none of her business anyway.

This, this, this.

I really hope you can work this all out. I can't imagine how awful it must be for you both right now.

She could always sacrifice her spot for one of the family you never see. She is so concerned with hurting her families feelings on your wedding but she is happy to hurt yours.

Selfish toad.

Well, it didn't go well. She kicked us out!!! And also said she is not coming to the wedding as she is ashamed and disgusted with her son!! I actually can't believe what has just happened!!

I agree with madamred on this. Your uncle is paying for the extra guest right?
I would say either she pays for the extra she wants or they don't come !
U have obviously thought very hard to keep with budget or numbers for what you want. Once this has been resolved what will be next

Hope u had a nice day and get this sorted soon

Well there you go- problem solved! She can have her tantrum, and you can give her place at your important day to someone who will appreciate it without putting demands on you. Get it assigned to someone else asap lol.

Having said that, I can't imagine how hard this is for your OH, and for you as well. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this kind of reaction to your wedding, and I hope you're both ok xx

He should be ashamed of her.

invite whoever you want and don't feel guilty if she chooses not to attend.

Ugh poor you, that's terrible. How did your OH react? What a hurtful thing to say The only good thing is that it has hopefully put you two firmly on the same team again.

I am very sorry your FMIL is being like this, it's awful behaviour. I can understand why your OH feels tempted to give in, he's probably had a lifetime of this manipulative nonsense. I hope you are okay x

It's just another level of emotional blackmail because she can't get her own way!

Send the invites out to the other relatives - let her cool down for a while - she's backed herself into a corner at the moment and the only way she probably see's out of is lashing out and trying to get your OH to backdown by making him feel like rubbish - it's beyond cruel IMO.

Once the dust has settled for a few weeks get your OH to approach her in a calm setting - maybe out for tea or something rather then on her own territory and state she is still more then welcome to your day but the relatives invite unfortunately cannot change due to costs.

I feel so sick! He is hardly speaking to me, and thinks it's partly his fault. It seems like her blackmail is starting to break him down. He's a 31 year old man who in these moments sounds very much like a 12 year old boy who has disappointed his mummy. This is exactly what she would have wanted to happen. I'm beyond angry that she could inflict this emotional cruelty onto him.

I feel so helpless and it is literally breaking my heart

I'm so sorry that your future MiL is putting you and your OH through this. It is as others have said emotional blackmail and cruelty.

The way your OH is feeling now is exactly the reaction she will have been hoping for.

I would send out the invites to the original guest list (sending the ones to her relatives directly and not via her). Her relatives are probably well aware of this aspect of her character and will not be governed by what she says.

It will be hard and your OH will naturally be very torn but you both have to remember that it is YOUR day, and you should have the guests that you both want, and that want to be there. No one should make you feel uncomfortable or awkward either before or on your big day, and no one has the right to bully you into inviting guests that you do not want.

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in some people - I have a 'friend' who is no longer speaking to me and has deleted me from facebook, all because she didn't get priority over family and the people travelling long distance (more than 2hrs) for one of the limited number of rooms at the venue (she lives less than an hour away)

Hope things get sorted and that things look brighter soon.

My OH has just spoken to his mother and she said that she doesn't see how they can come back from this and that she thinks that he prefers my family to his.

She has also moaned that when we met 9 yrs ago I took him away, because I lived 4 miles away and he chose to move in with me. She has always tried to talk him into moving back to the town where she lives.

Also, his mum told us that his brother, not the one not speaking to him but the other has said he is not wearing a suit!! And that he will not be conducting any usher tasks. She said my brother could just do it all as he's the other usher. So bloody awkward!!

Round 3 of emotional blackmail - your OH has 2 choices - back down and let her do this to him all the time or stick to his guns and let her back down he can explain it's not a case of that and it's due to limited numbers and costs.

Personally I would show your OH this thread if he has any doubts over what his mum is up to - everyone agrees here she is manipulating him and dictating when it's your guys day. May also help him realise that it's effecting you and he should not be blaming you for the out of order, childish and selfish behaviour that his mum is currently displaying in bucket loads!

I've text her to say that she can have all her family there, that I love her son far too much to put him through all of this for the sakes of 1 bloody meal!!

I honestly don't care anymore about letting her have her own way. My OH is so upset and is saying he will never forgive or forget. She may feel she has won but it's sad that she can't see in doing so what she has lost, her sons respect.

I hope she is happy with how low she has gone to get her own way! She should be ashamed of herself!

I would tell her that. Just say I hope the distant family members were worth your son losing his respect for you, explain how thanks to her, her relationship with her son will never be the same as it was. She has been manipulative, blackmailed her own son emotionally and all to get what she wants.

She won't see it ever for what it is. She is one of the most spoilt people you could ever meet. She will believe she has done nothing wrong, because she has zero self awareness.

It's so frustrating

Ah ladies, I am so hurt! My OH has pretty much made up with his mother, meanwhile I haven't had an apology for the way she's treated me over the past few days, how much she has upset and stressed me out and ultimately placed a huge black cloud over my wedding day!

She hasn't even thanked me for sending the invites she wanted.

My OH doesn't even seem to give a s**t about what she has put me through, we are arguing now because of how angry I am with her and he just doesn't get it! I feel like calling the wedding off!

I'm so sorry its worked out this way. You have compromised to accommodate his unreasonable mother and your OH needs to recognise and appreciate that - rather than falling back into an old pattern that he's probably been following for years.

I'm nit sure what to advise going forward. My advice has been only from my experience of a similar situation.

Do you have someone independent and removed from the family that you can talk this through with to try and get some perspective?

Big hugs hunny. I have no advice but just wanted to let you know we are here :-)

I am devastated. We have been together for 9 years and we are due to get married in just over 11 weeks. It feels like my whole life is crumbling because of his selfish mother and the ridiculous hold she has over her son.

Do I really want to marry someone who thinks it's ok for his mum to disrespect me and my family the way she has and then just let it go as they move towards reconciliation? It's like my feelings in all of this mean nothing. He's not seeing it for what it is.

I feel so betrayed by him and I don't know how I can forgive his disregard of my feelings.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I don't want this to sound like i'm blaming you because I'm not but unfortunately by giving in to her (sending the invites) you've not only endorsed her god awful behaviour but also reinforced his - as in his always giving in to his mother and never standing up to or confronting her. If this isn't sorted now it is going to set a pattern for your marriage and I don't envy you that. You need to talk to your other half and explain calmly how you feel and how betrayed you feel by him. Turn it around and ask him how he would feel if your family treated him badly and you took their side.

If it helps write down how you feel, it might make it easier for your OH to get the message if he has something he can re-read.

Has this behaviour been a pattern in your relationship? If so, have you ever discussed it and what has been the outcome?

I know your wedding is only 2 months away but if you have doubts you may be best postponing until this can be resolved. Couples counselling may help you both to work through the issues and decide a way forward.

Good luck.

Explain it to him calmly in a way that he will understand e.g. tables reversed of a family member on your side behaving the same.

I think you have had an emotional, hard going and very intense days which is adding fuel to your feelings. When people are drained especially emotionally there doesn't seem like many options but there are you just need a bit of time and TLC either with a friend to clear your head a bit.

I completely get why you are feeling hurt and let down (I would be too) but give yourself a few days out of the whole mess to really reflect on things. Massive internet hugs!

This probably isn't what you want to hear but I would be having a very serious conversation with my oh about what we both want out of the relationship and how let down you feel if I was in your position. My OH backs me up 100% and is there for me no matter what and that's how it should be . It's such a shame what has happened and I really feel for you. I hope you don't miss out on things you have dreamt of for your wedding because of there decision, and I hope it doesn't cost you money you can't afford. I certainly wouldn't want her to be part of my family, and wouldn't want my partner to not back me up in sticky situations.

So sorry to hear things have turned out like this. While I am sure your reaction is an emotional one right now I have to agree with the other ladies in that this does need that serious cards on the table type conversation. I know you love your OH and I know you want everything to work out but I don't think you can ignore this and just hope it bothers you less as the day gets nearer. As others have said, this just reinforces her bad behaviour and you need to be sure that this rather unpleasant woman won't be a third person in your relationship going forward. I recoiled in horro when I read what she had said about him moving four miles away - what planet is she on?? Am afraid you need him to grow a pair!

Really hope you can talk it through xxx

Have a weirdy internet hug!! What a rubbish situation!

Is it worth getting some distance and going to see your family or friends? Just to gather your thoughts and calm down. Look out for yourself!!

i can see why you're upset and I can understand your worries going forward with the marriage. Has your OH behaved like this before?

try to explain calmly how disappointed you are and hopefully he'll see sense. getting married means you'll be each other's family and need to stick together. Is he ready for that?

Just wanted to update you ladies. Me and the OH had a good talk last night and everything's sorted. He completely understands now

?? That's great…x

She sounds about as delightful as my future mother in law. It's easier said than done but try not to get stressed out.

It's your wedding and unless she wants to pay for the other people to attend then the guest list is entirely upto you and your future husband.

If I were you I would stick to your guns and carry on as you were. Oh and Congratulations don't let her ruin your excitement xx

So glad that you & OH have been able to sort this out xxx