So upset, mum & dad ruining everything!!

Have you tried telling your Mum and Dad that you are upset and asking what's behind their feelings? Clearly they have something quite important driving this and are just not expressing it very well.

Are you the first child to get married? Perhaps they're having a hard time letting their preconceived ideas go.

I don't really have any answers, but I always find it's best to talk to people directly.

If you can't speak to your mum, is it any use writing her a heart felt letter?

Even if you don't give it to her, getting it all off your chest can be very cathartic. That way you can say, yes i know its not the 'traditional way' but we have never been traditional and this day is about us and not what everyone else does.

You can say that whilst she may think she and your father are being amusing, its actually hurtful - i'm sure they'd never want to hurt you and would be surprised that you aren't taking it the way they think you should be doing.

with a letter she can't shout at it and get upset the way she does in person and if she tosses it aside, she may actually go back to it later on to read or re-read and relaise how hurtful and petty they have been.

Also - if your sister is paying for her BM dress i would imagine she should have some say in what she will look like, but if you are paying then she should work with you on a complimentary look that you want and that she is comfortable in

hope it all gets resolved for you xx

I'm so sorry to hear about your problem with your parents and sister. I know what it is like to have demanding people around.

I know it can be difficult when people are giving their opinions all the time, but as long as you and your OH are happy with it then I wouldn't worry too much.

Could you try talking with them and telling then how upset it is making you and explain that planning a wedding is stressful enough.

Can I ask are they paying for any of it or not? I just wonder because if they are paying then they may feel it is their right to have more of a say in what happens.

Are there any areas where you could come to a compromise without it ruining your day? Maybe like letting your dad do his speech?

With your sister could you compromise there too? For instance, my sister is my only bridesmaid and she is a jeans and hoodie kind of person. We have agreed that she will wear a dress (of my choosing) but only for the service and photos after. After that she is going to get changed. Could you do something similar with your sister?

Questions before advice I'm afraid:

1) Are you the first daughter to get married?

2) Who is hosting the wedding?

3) Who is paying for the wedding?

4) Why are you getting married in Edinburgh if you live locally to your family

5) Are you able to share any of your 'unreasonable' ideas for a less jaded view?

Well, its your wedding, you should do it the way you want it....however, if you're parents are contributing financially, I think they should have some say in how you do things. Maybe your parents have been looking forward to a 'typical' (whatever typical is these days?') wedding & they're slightly disappointed. There is only one thing you can do & that is to talk to them in a place that is neutral to you all, tell them that you still want them involved in YOUR day but that you & OH want to do things YOUR way & that you would hope they would accept that.

With regards to your BM dress....did she have any say in the shopping / choice of it or have you chosen exactly what you want & begger to what she wants or feels like in it? If you have dictated to her what she's wearing, then maybe you do need to have a rethink. Again, take her to one side & talk to her about what the problem is with the dress. It might be something really small that a tiny change might resolve.

Bean,

Firstly, I think you should understand that your parents come from a different era where weddings were very traditional and things were done in a specific way. However, in the past 10 years or so, there has been much more freedom about what you can and cannot do. Basically, you can do what you want now. And this sounds exactly what you are doing. But it's possible that your parents can't understand this - they will have certain ideals of what a 'wedding' should look like, and your wedding sounds quite far away from it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love something out of the ordinary, but it may be a question of finances. If your parents are paying for stuff, they will be expecting a say in what goes on. If you aren't giving them a say, this may be where their issues are coming from? If, however, you are paying, then they don't have a right to a say, and i think that they should be supporting you 100% for what you want.

The Bridesmaid dress issue might be similar? I strongly believe that who ever is paying should have the final say. But whomever is paying, don't you want your sister to be happy with what she is wearing? She is going to be in the spotlight too and would want to feel comfortable for the day - how would you feel if someone was making you wear something that you hated?

Speeches? Well, unfortunately I don't think there's a lot you can do here. Short of cutting him off mid-speech (which would be embarrasing for everyone), he will say what he wants to say, but i'm presumin that it will be all nice things? If so, I wouldn't worry. They'll be plently more things to worry about before you big day!

First dance? I'm not sure about this one. The whole point of it is to open up the dancefloor for the guests and to let them know that the disco has started. If you think you can get away with not doing one, then don't do it. You could try to compromise a suggest a first dance with all the couples in the bridal party?

Hope that helps x

Thanks everyone! Yes I am the first one to get married, my sister is younger than me. We are getting married in Edinburgh because we just love it there we are always up there and my BF's dad is from there. My parents do actually like the idea that we are getting married up there because they like it there too.

Yes they are giving us money towards the wedding, my BF's parents and auntie are also helping out and we are paying for things ourselves too. Its not going to be an expensive wedding because thats just not us. We are not really doing anything that different just putting our own spin on things. This whole tradition thing started when we said we dont want everybody to have a buttonhole, just the groom and our parents, which we think is enough especially as they are £5.50 each. My mum started saying that everyone should have them because they all had them at their wedding (31 years ago). I appreciate that things have changed since they got married, I do understand that but they dont seem too. Originally we werent going to have a wedding car because we seen it as an uneccesary expense but my dad said we have to have a car, so now we are having a car. Everything we have booked and discussed we have discussed with them too, I dont see what else we can do.

The bridesmaid dress my parents are paying for, my mum and dad both love the dress but my sister doesnt. I seen the dress even before we got engaged and loved it. My sister said there is nothing wrong with the dress its just not something she would normally wear so doesnt want to. I dont know anybody that would wear a bridesmaid style dress on a day-to-day basis?? I am a bridesmaid to my BF's sister on friday and had no input in anything i will be wearing and I dont particularly like the dress but its not my day so as far as I am concerned its not my place to comment. I have said to my sister she can pick her shoes and jewellery and have her hair and make-up anyway she likes im just asking for the dress.

Aw sorry to hear this Bean,

ive had similar conversations with my mum. She's accepted that we want to get married abroad,..but insisted on a 'reception' when we come home. We initially agreed to a little family party,.. But she keeps escalating it. We now have invitations, a colour scheme, DJ, & wedding cake! Not what I envisaged at all but she's a whirlwind. I'm her only daughter so I'm trying to accept that she's just a proud mummy, but I will draw the line at favours, bridesmaids & cars!!

Maybe you could show your parents some of the alternative wedding blogs to help them see things have moved along a little since they wed?

Just popping back to chuck in my 2p about buttonholes: I talked this over with my parents at Easter, about whether to get one for my grandmother who loves flowers, and obviously is special because she's my grandmother. They were firmly of the opinion that we should only provide them for the bridal party.

HOWEVER, they also said that my grandmother and others might chose to get their own, to match their own outfits, and that would be their choice - they seemed to think that was the done thing/ correct form. I can totally see this, and how it might have been more common 30 odd years ago, especially when almost all weddings were "hat affairs". Might be worth floating that concept past them?

I personally wouldn't be upset if people choose to go and get themselves buttonholes, but we won't be paying for them.

Bridesmaids' dresses are unfortunately a perennial issue - some of us are lucky and have cooperative/ helpful BMS, but a lot of people face objections as you're having to - as others have said, unfortunately I think compromise is the name of the game.

OK, I trump your parents by a year...married for 32.....I am though all up for change and evolution. Weddings do not stand still, they evolve and develop and alter as time goes by and people need to accept that fact. 32 years ago, the average brides age was 21, couples did not live together and kids before marriage was a voodoo!!!

Thankfully times change although some people are less speedy at accepting the changing world.....

Peter

Well I can tell you are very wound up or you wouldn't need to rant on here but I'd still like to put my 2p's worth in, as someone of your Parents' generation and a Mum myself.

Your title says that your Mum and Dad are ruining everything: that's not actually true though its it? What they are doing is not being as excited as you about the decisions you have made for your wedding.

Try and imagine how they are feeling: right up until maybe only 10 years ago a girl generally planned the wedding with her Mum. The Bride's parents are still traditionally the hosts (though much less common now). You are the first daughter to marry and your Mum has expected to do this with you. I suspect that the suggestions they make are being met with flat refusal as you have a very strong idea of what the two of you want, and they are deflecting their hurt by making little jokes and asides. Also I'm sure that it's hard to be enthusiastic about something which they have been essentially excluded from part of (ie the planning) and just expected to say nothing except coo about what has been decided for their money without their input.

This comes out more blunt than it is meant but you need to recognise this as an attempt to hide their disappointment/hurt rather than an attempt to ruin your wedding.

..and ffs buy the buttonholes (or let your Dad do it): you're only having 20 people there so a flower isn't mch to fork out. Is something so trivial worth falling out with your parents, who love you so much, over?

I thinkt that there is some fence-mending to do here and the onus is on you to put it right so that everyone is 100% happy for your lovely day.

I didn't have any problems like this but, when I wanted to mention some of the quirkier ideas from our wedding to my mum, I made sure I phrased things in a way to appeal to her. I had a pork pie wedding cake and Mum was horrified when I told her but five minutes later, she loved the idea because I explained how much cheaper it would be and how people would have loads of cake anyway because we were having an afternoon tea wedding. So, my handy hint is to try and word your ideas in a way that will make them seem appealing to your parents!

I think parents have set ideas about what their childrens marriages will be like.

We aren't having any speeches at our wedding. My OH is very shy and so is his brother whose BM. So I dont want to put stress on them to do something they dont want to do. My dad is quite shy also so I thought the decision would go down well. My mum keeps saying you can't not have speeches, people will be expecting it etc. Quite honestly I dont give a damn what people are expecting, I am already inviting the whole family because my mum wants them there (and she is paying) if there was less of them we might be inclined to do speeches. But as it stands we are sticking to our guns. They will come round closer to the time, it just a big deal for parents when their kids get married. I think they'd like to think they aer imparting all their wisdom to us in how it should be done, not necessarily taking into account our tastes on the subjetc.

I understand you're upset. My only advice would be to try to ignore their views as much as possible. The day is about you and your fiance. Not meaning to make you feel worse but I don't have this problem with my parents but I think that is because they aren't paying a penny towards it. Unfortunately some parents think they have a say if they are paying, which IMO is not fair or right.

I feel your pain. At my first wedding all I had for the year leading up to it was my Mum slagging everything off, the venue was a rip off, the food was rubbish, the whole thing was a waste of money, it was too far away (1 motorway junction!). I also had my sister pull out of being a bridesmaid and doing the hair and make up a week before. Basically it was a miserable time. They hated my ex (now I know why) and took it out on me.

This time they just aren't really interested which is better. OH's Dad who is 84 bless him is having a hard time with the fact that we are having a Gothic wedding and eating at Pizza Express. He keeps calling it a fancy dress party and won't make a menu choice as it isn't proper food....

Just do what you want to do. It's your day, and your memories.

I understand where you're coming from and its a delicate balance between keeping parents happy when they're contributing towards the wedding and letting them take over.

Both sets of parents are helping towards the cost of the wedding which we really appreciate. OH's family have just left us to do what we want. With being the oldest daughter and the first to get married my Mum is so excited about our wedding which is lovely! She told me about her wedding, she was only 20 and in those days their parents organised the whole thing and they really just had to turn up, it was all done for them but it meant they didn't have a lot of say in their day. She really wants me to have the day that WE want but at the same time there are things she has offered to do for us that I would rather do myself, like the RSVPs. Mum suggested people replying to her but our invitations are not of the traditional format of "Mr & Mrs ...... request the pleasure of your company at the marriage of their daughter........." plus I would rather by getting the responses myself as I'm a bit of a control freak (and its nice getting all the post!). But I have been trying to find a nice balance, like them handing out all the family invites, I asked her to ring my Aunties & Uncles to tell them we were engaged as I knew how excited she was, helping me make the invitations, meeting the florist with me, and we will start work on the Orders of service soon. Then shopping for dresses, fittings, shopping for her outfit etc.

Maybe try to find compromises, after all its not worth falling out over, if there are things you dont really mind about then let them have some input in those.

For the buttonholes for everyone, my Mum told me my Dad's Mum made them for all the bridal party and at a recent wedding one of OH's friends turned up with a buttonhole (a rare sight for a late 20's male to turn up to a wedding having MADE his own buttonhole, I joked with him about him having attacked one of his mums bouquets which is exactly what he had done, he cut a nice ivory carnation with some greenery and wrapped the bottom in tin foil!) perhaps this is a cheaper alternative that you (or a designated person) could do for the guests your Mum would like to have buttonholes?

If it makes you feel better, you're not alone!

My dad & sister have said very hurtful things to me since I've been planning our wedding (14 months now) - my dad tells me I'm not allowed to mention the 'w' word when we go round to visit, despite the fact that after the first fall out we had I don't mention weddings to him at all.

I lost my mum 3 years ago now so I don't have her to talk to about it as she would love planning it with me, my dad on the other hand couldn't care less and on one occassion told me he didn't care about the wedding it's ages away - I was talking to his wife as she'd asked me a question about the suits!

My sister told me she wasn't coming to my wedding - then after a few motnhs told me that she could now come along - then when we were looking a BM dresses for the girls (4 BMs in total) she was picking ridculously priced dresses (I'm contributing £50 per BM the rest they are paying for) that none of the others could afford - but she didn't care as dad is paying for her things - fyi we are getting no contribution for the wedding, paying everything ourselves.

After finally picking a dress she still didn't like it but I told her it was a majority vote so tough $h!t and she now accepts it's a nice dress just not something she would pick - she's a fashion student and looks like a model so a potato sack would look lush on her!

After all the stress it caused me a few months ago - I now don't talk to either of them about anything to do with the wedding unless they ask me about it - OH can't beleive how rude/horrible they were to me about it and is happy for me to talk weddings with him but mainly I chew the ears of my MOH who is my best friend.

The issue I can see you may have is that your parents are contributing so you kind of need to give them a bit of a say as it's there money at the end of the day - try and see it from their point of view - as an example, would you give someone £5k of your money to plan an event and expect no input? I know I wouldn't.

My dad is very old fashioned and when he heard some of the things we have planned/booked (via his wife) he thought it was stupid and not like a wedding at all, but he married my mum in 1976 when things were a lot different - he didn't plan that wedding & he certainly didn't have anything to do with his wedding last year as he couldn't be bothered (his words) so left me & Irene to do it all.

Like someone has previously mentioned try going to a neutral place - to hinder arguements - and just explain that you're upset by their comments about your wedding not being traditional, but you want to hear their ideas and maybe you can come to a compromise? If they see you behaving as the 'adult' as such maybe they will come round to your ideas if you give them a bit more of an explaination - maybe with the moeny they're giving you, you could pay for things they would like (like the button holes for all guests) and then the money from yourselves & OH parents can go towards the more 'quirky' things you want.

Hope that helps, sorry for the ramble - just thought I'd let you know you're not alone.

Good luck