Stag do/usher conflict - what say you?

Aj - I'd be grateful for a male perspective but ideally without the 'I don't want a stag do' perspective because I know Mr CB does!

A) yes

b) to the Best man

c) no lol

my brother is also an usher as him and OH get on great, as does BM and my bro, and would be right royally hacked off if this was me and mine!!!

Does Mr CB realise this is has happened? If not i would mention something to him.

Or if you're close enough the BM maybe have a word.

Could you brother cancel this work or is he tied in now?

I would be royally peed off if this happened to my brother. He's an Usher, same as the other 2 friends and so is equally important.

I think I would say something to the BM depending on how you think it will be received and as long as the BM won't get in a huff about it and take it out on your OH.

BM is likely to be a bit stroppy if I mention it. Mr CB doesn't know yet as he wanted the BM to organise it without having to be involved and I don't want to upset him.

Aaarrrgghhh.

It's the sort of project which will propel my little brother into the big time in his career so he really ought not cancel it but I know he would if Mr CB asked.

(It's just hit me how grown up my 'little brother' really is ? )

It's definitely out of order. But maybe say something to BM first as Mr CB hasn't had anything to do with the organising

I have a simular situation with my bridesmaids and my suggestion would be:

a) Yes - as someone who cares for your brother and h2b's feelings yes

b) I would give your brother the BM and other Ushers phone numbers and leave them to sort it between them (but check that they do)

c) No - but i'd avoid telling MrCB if possible as I am sure he won't like that his groomsmen are not co-operating.

I think it is a bit off tbh - the BM should have made sure that the wedding party were all included.

As for whether it is your place to say anything, I wouldn't mention it to Mr CB at this point but maybe have a quiet word with the BM...

I think that you're right to be miffed. My CBM got a list of all the people I wanted involved for my hen and contacted them - has Mr CB done this to make sure no one else misses out?

He gave the BM a list of all the people he wanted to be invited and it started with the BM and the three ushers! I think he assumed the BM would check with the ushers first (it makes obvious sense to me...).

Yes I think it's rude and I would be miffed too. I would probably say something to the BM: it would be awful if Mr CB thought your brother wasn't bothered.

I wonder if it's just a "man thing", i.e. being completely disorganised and not really thinking about anyone else's position. My H2B is an usher for my sister's wedding next Spring and has today received his invitation (via Facebook, as they do) without having been consulted about the date at all.

How much of the stag has been booked? Could they rearrange it to fit in with your brother?

Can they not change the date??

If the BM was given a list (how easy do these boys want it?!) then he should have contacted everyone on the list to see if they could make it before organising anything. Then, if an important party member, such as your bother, couldn't make the date, then he should have changed it. Honestly, they really are useless! I would be having a word with the BM right now and wouldn't give two hoots as to whether he was annoyed at me contacting him. Stupid boy!

I've got no idea what has been organised but given that he's been asked to book (and has booked) the time off work it would seem that certainly preliminary plans have been laid.

Honestly, what an absolute numpty!

BM is also my BM's OH - suddenly it's all feeling a little too close for comfort!

?

Some guys can be more organised than women, and some of us can even multitask in fact.

Know what you mean. I had the task of organising my friend's hen do earlier this year. One of the other BMs is married to the BM, who hadn't organised a thing up until the week before. In the end, my friend rang the BM, asked him what was going on (as none of the boys had heard anything) and offered to organise it all for him. She was so concerned it wouldn't happen at all otherwise! She did organise bits and pieces, but it was all so last minute that it wasn't brilliant. His poor wife just kept apologising on his behalf! I personally, as the wife, would have given him a kick up the backside!!

Some yes, but I have to say, they seem to be a rarity!!

Apologies ajdown, certainly didn't mean to offend on my first post! I am going from first hand experience of a very disorganised H2B. I tend to pass off his horrible organisational skills on him being a man. He certainly can't multitask. Apologies again!

How odd!

It reminds me of a similar situation our friend was in, his brother's stag do was set for a date - the BM had organised it, then changed the date without telling any of the brothers! They found out the week of the stag do, and by then had plans they couldn't get out of - so my friend ended up missing his bro's stag. He was rather annoyed.

I think if you could, I would talk to BM. Your fella shouldn't have to worry about the politics of this. My bridesmaids had a mini tiff organising my hen do and I got pulled into it and felt terrible. Thankfully one of them realised I didn't need that stress and they sorted it out.

AJ - and some girls can be disorganised. But even my OH admits his sex are not half as organised as ours as a whole. My OH can sort out his work day just fine and prioritise what needs doing, but give him an event to organise and he has no concept ? it is just a common stereotype.

Amen to this. My OH is useless at orgainising anything!

As is mine!

A) yes

b) to the Best man

c) no

My x2 brothers and OH's brother are all ushers, and I would be really cheesed off if this happened! x

Yes this is very odd behaviour. It's not fair to bring Mr CB into it when BM should be organising this but why on earth hasn't he thought to talk to your brother. Imagine how awkward it would be at the wedding when the lads get together and start talking about the stag doo-cos they will.

Everyone :"general chit chat"

Male wedding guest: Loved your stag doo mate- had a right laugh"

Your brother: "Oh, when was that?"

Male wedding guest: "Gives date... How come you didn't make it being an usher and all?"

Your brother: "I didn't get told about it"

........Awkward!!!!

Yes, I would be royally peed off if my brother had been left out.

Personally, I'd be tempted to say something to your OH though, not so much as in telling tales but as in, 'do you know if BM has invited everyone on the list' kind of question which then maybe your OH can ask the BM without it looking like you are getting involved.

My OH's BM just keeps telling my fella 'don't worry about it, it's under control' but I know not a single person has been asked to keep the date free yet, so I'm panicking for him!! Especially because my BM has at least text everyone for my hen saying keep our weekend free!

The main thing on everyone's mind should be ensuring Mr CB gets the stag do he would want, which I would expect would involve him having the people he cares about at whatever is organised. It's safe to assume your brother is one of these people, as he wouldn't have asked him to be an usher if he didn't value him as a person/friend/future BIL.

Therefore, I think you are right to be ticked off about it, as it's not about it being your brother, it's about Mr CB potentially not having someone important to him at his stag party.

In honesty, my usual method is to deal with those most closely involved so I'd probably speak to the BM. It could be a mistake and this gives him the benefit of the doubt, preventing possible bad feeling later if he thinks you went behind his back. Other than that, who is the BM most likely to listen to? If it's Mr CB, then perhaps Mr CB should be the one to talk to the BM. I don't know you and Mr CB as a couple but if this were me, though I wouldn't want there to be stress for my OH, I probably would mention it to him because we talk about everything. You could perhaps lighten it a bit, perhaps say you're sure it's an oversight. I just asked my OH what he'd want me to do in this situation if it were us and he said if I was trying to preserve the element of other people organising it, he'd want me to speak to his BM, but he wouldn't want me upset about it so would want to know if I didn't feel able to deal with his mates.

Though having read your later comment that the BM is the OH of one of your bridesmaids, could this not be useful rather than uncomfortable? If she is a close friend of yours, could you confide in her and ask her to have a word with her OH? I guess there's a risk of it getting convoluted if too many people become involved. It's tricky.

Sorry that's not much help!