Stag Night Worries - Help!

Right back at ya.

But I can guarantee, consider this girl is getting married in two weeks, that my opinion is far less damaging and judgemental.

But what could he possibly say now other than I am sorry, I am an Idiot it won't happen again. He can't turn the clock back and he won't be having another stag night.

Men sometimes say forget it when they realise there is nothing they can do about it now. I am glad he told you about it thoughand not someone else although not 100% of the story it seemed.

Please don't imply that you associate with a better class of men than the rest of us, nor that we have lower expectations of behaviour.

Most men don't go to strip clubs. Therefore, the "type of men" we ALL know doesn't go to a strip club. It's not just you.

Is it just me that is sensing a possible spammer?

Your Dad was there?? WTF?? If my dad ever saw my OH do that, he would knock my OH's block off

BLimey, do things like that really happen? I am surprised, and for me that would have crossed the line. Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with strippers for stag dos, but rolling around in jelly and physical contact like that is a big no-no for me.

Hope you get it sorted and put it behind you!

Is it because my story is so ridiculous that you think I am a spammer?! I promise i'm not!

Thank you for all of your opinions, I have taken them all on board x

Not you.

I blame films like American Pie, The Hangover & Old School for where they get these sorts of ideas for stag doo's... if I had known this would have happened I would've made us both go without!!

No No HP not you. Sorry I should have clarified. It was Cette that my comment was directed at because quite frankly I find some of her comments ridiculous.

Sorry i'm getting very confused!! As I said, it's my first post! Wish I'd found this forum earlier!

Ok I'm going to tell you two stories that might make you feel better....

A friends birthday ( a man) all his family there, classy do in a nice venue, his mates think it would be funny to order in a stripper....in walks this hideous lady in a leather coat, strips off to a waitress outfit and FORCES him to sit on a chair, whips his belt off, strips him naked ( he was literally holding onto his pants for dear life) I would say he pretty much had no choice, the mates had ordered her to do stuff and by god she was going to keep going until she had done it all....

The poor guy ended up having squirty cream squirted up his bum, his belt put round his neck whilst she rode him around, she was whipping him, FORCING him to rub her boobs and basically humiliated the poor guy in front of friends and family....it was awful but I honestly think short of beating the woman up, she was going to do it all no matter what as that's what his mates wanted...

Second story my OHs cousins stag they paid for a lesbian show in a strip club and then paid them to get the stag involved...not sure to what extent things happend with that one but if he had of refused, his mates would not have been happy, I believe it's mainly peer pressure! OH was the only lad on the stag (out of 21) that told their girlfriends/wives what happend...

Personally I would be happy he felt he could tell you, I fully think it was peer pressure, and having witnessed a stripper with a male that his mates have done for a laugh it is very likely that your OH felt forced, embarrassed and humiliated...these girls are PAID to do these things, it meant NOTHING...you have to remember that

I would let it go and look forward to your wedding, this does not reflect your OHs personality!

Good Luck and enjoy the wedding! Xx

It was a stag men get drunk and do silly things (as do girls) but the reality is these girls were paid to play a part and your OH was egged on to play his part it was just a 'show' it was humiliating and would have been very far from sexual or intimate in any way shape or form...which is why he probably feels like you are over reacting.....i would be more upset if he just snogged some random girl he met in a club tbh.

I just want to add my best wishes and send a virtual hug. I'm so sorry you've had this upset so close to your wedding. Do you have a close friend, or a counsellor or something, that could help you talk it through just to process your feelings and come to terms with it? The idea of writing it all down is a really good one too. I find it so helpful to 'get it out of my head' in that way and on to paper.

The feelings do usually fade with time - try not to suppress it by just burying it, but on the other hand don't dwell on it so much that you make yourself feel worse. The trick (although I'm no expert) is to try to 'catch' the 'irrational' thoughts (although they are still real feelings to you) and 'challenge' them with more 'rational' ones. Eg if you find yourself thinking, "I feel completely humiliated, everyone is laughing at me, he must really hate me to do that", try to ask yourself if those things are really true or if you can find something alternative to say to yourself. Eg "This is very humiliating for us both, but I believe it was a one-off and he was egged on by his friends, I do still trust him and I believe we can get through this. He doesn't hate me, he was just being stupid and not thinking." Does that make some sort of sense?

So would I. Much more upset.

You see if this was me I would make a joke out of it, I would buy a pot of jelly and during the wedding speeches say you have bought him a reminder of the stag night and present it to him. That would raise a few laughs I bet especially from those in the know and make you look like you have a sense of humour too! I bet he would squirm. I hope your best man hasn't stolen this idea!

@Mrs*W*2B - That is really helpful - thankyou so much for sharing your story with me!! Nice to know my man isn't the only one and I do think it was mainly peer pressure!

@funkyjameseo - Thank you for your opinion - that helps also. I would also be gutted if he snogged someone! And I really don't think he'd ever do that to me.

@kingfisher1923 - Thank you for my virtual hug! All my bridesmaids have been very helpful in this, understanding yet not judgmental (all have them have said they'd be annoyed too tho!!) - And yes that makes sense - that is what i'm trying to do - and trying to keep busy and slide back into normal life.

I just wanna send a huge hug to you and welcome you to hitched - i'm sorry you came to us through such a negative story but if we've helped at all then i'm pleased!

I would feel exactly the same as you, (I think i naturally get jealous even though I have the most loyal fiance ever, it's just who I am) so hearing this would badly upset me.

My OH sounds very similar to yours in that if I'm upset about something and he can't see why or doesn't think my level of upsetness is justified for the situation, he gets mad at me! Which obviously makes me even more upset!! Can't win :-(

But yeah, as there's nothing he can do about it now, he's going to get frustrated that you're so upset about it because he'll feel he can't win, he can't turn back the clock. But then you can't stop thinking about what happened and I'd be exactly the same. Unfortunately you're just going have to really put it out of your mind completely, which is going to be impossible. But don't hold it against him, it wasnt' his choice. And your dad probably didn't tell you as he thought it wasn't his place to tell you and cause a huge upset between you and your OH. That's probably what I'd be thinking. It's up to your OH to be honest with you, and he did - which he scores highly for in the man-rankings!

The best man that organised this - is he married per chance?

Ha, I could get behind this line of questioning. My Boy's best man had recently spawned and went gung ho into organising Boy's stag do, 8 days in Spain. I would be fairly sure that a large part of his motivation was that he got a lad's holiday for an event his wife couldn't refuse.

Yep - the best man who organised this is married - but him and his wife are a lot more liberal in the way they live their life than what we are!

This is brilliant!! The best man wouldn't DARE to do something like this! He knows how angry I would be! If I can bring myself to get over this before then I may well just do this! Xx

I think this would be a brilliant idea. And absolutely the way you should be approaching it

Welcome to hitched!

And yes, I'd be disgusted with Ant if he did this. Just because I know he would never willingly do any of that, because he's quite reserved. I know he would put up with a stripper if pushed, but a sex show and him taking part? No, he'd never do it. And I would be perfectly fine with him having a stripper at his stag (though I highly doubt any of his friends would plan for that).

I would like to think that if anyone mistakenly planned any of this for him that he would say no, have them leave, and go on drinking with his mates without the OTT antics.

Peer pressure isn't really a good excuse. We're not children. We don't have to give in to everyone around us just to fit in. It was his damned stag, no one physically forced him to do anything, so it really was his choice to participate. Feel free to be pissed off and let him know you're pissed off. It's not wrong to feel this way, but talk it out with him, and make sure he takes responsibility for it and isn't just giving loaded excuses, or else think of how many things that could happen down the line just to be excused in a similar way!

well maybe my OHs group are more rowdy than the norm but i know if my OH was in a situation where all his mates had paid for something like this on his stag and he just sat there and outright refused to participate in any of it they would be utterly put out and probably mock him for being such a bore for the rest of his life....men can be stupid when they get together and have a few drinks, it might not be a very nice thing for them to do but i can't help but think this ladies OH has just been put in a very pressured situation that even as adults can be very difficult not to be affected by x

? This is pretty much sexual assault if you ask me. Imagine the uproar if it was a male stripper doing this to a woman!

OP- I'd also be really annoyed, but I think the fact that he told you is a good sign. Like other people have said boys, alcohol and peer pressure aren't a good mix. I think you have the right to be upset but he can't take it back and I doubt he'll be doing anything similar again in a hurry.

I agree with Kharv. I understand why you are upset, but if he is not normally flirty etc with other women, then try to see it as a one off, rise above it and don't take it as an indicator of things to come.

Chin up petal x x x

I honestly think you need to get a bit of perspective here, yes it was not ideal, but it was a stag night and boys misbehave on stag nights, it could have been worse they could have hired him a hooker or chained him to a lamp post naked, tattooed him or worse. my friend had a stripper and she was made to lick whipped cream off him, she didn't love it and I expect her H2B liked it even less, but there was certainly no talk of calling off the wedding. The fact that you even considered doing this over something that was out of his control says more about your relationship than his actions, sorry if that sounds harsh but that's the way I see it.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think she's said she considered calling off the wedding has she, that was a different poster.

I would cancel the wedding immediately. Burn my wedding dress, shot the best man and possibly tar and feather the groom in the street.

Yeah she said that the wedding was almost off at the beginning of the week. It was a reply to someone else.

Welcome!

I totally agree with venart over this, and without wanting to annoy anyone, I really don't see how he HAD to take part in this to the extent that he did. I mean short of shotgun pointing at head tactics, I just don't buy it sorry.

I hope you sort this out and get to a point where you can put it behind you, and stop it clouding all memories of you both and your relationship x

Hi

just going to start by saying i really feel for you and that you totaly have the right to be angry and upset but please dont let it ruin the run up to your wedding. im sure the reason your OH doesnt want to talk about it anymore is because it makes him cringe and he probably feels a complete tit for crumbling to peer preassure.

please dont listen to any of the negative comments. i have a very open mind and dont really judge anyone..... some people dont have the mental ability to do so. His stag and what happened does not say anything about your relationship...the fact that he had the decency to tell you says alot though

i would also like to add something else that im hoping will put your mind at rest..i was a bit dubious about posting this as there seems to be alot of very judgemental women(yes everyone is entiteled to their own opinion) on here but im just going to go ahead and say it.

myself and my best friend run a lapdancing club in a city which is very popular.. four of our girls offer the service that your OH had for his stag....i just want to state that im in no way condoning it but maybe it would help for you to think of it this way..

the girls that we there were being payed to be there (of our girls 3 are in long term relationships..with men and the other is newly married and has 2 children) most of the girls in this line of work are usualy at uni /have youne children etc and are doing it to be able to pay for their education etc.

its only a job to them, their just "normal"women to an extent and nothing intamate would have happened between your OH ant the girls..they would loose their jobs over it.

i know its hard to imagin but they are just entertainers, i know it isnt the best idea for a stag do but it is very popular and i can guarantee that there are probably lots of women who dont even know that their oh's stag involved things like this so i guess you could say your lucky to have such an honest man.

really hope this helps

oh and i think the idea of the pot of jelly as a gift etc would be hillarious!! go with it. it may make you feel more rested about it