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MarvellousAsh
Beginner April 2023 Dorset

Step-family issues

MarvellousAsh, 30 December, 2022 at 17:37 Posted on Etiquette and Advice 0 8
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Hi everyone,

Just after a bit of advice how you would go about a bit of family drama. Bit of background, my dad married by step mum 10 years ago and she has been a part of my life for 16 years. We have a very up and down relationship but hey, that's families. I still love her and treat like family. And as such I am reasonably close to her mother and on very good terms with her sister who are invited to the ceremony (her sister is a registrar and is marrying us).
The problem I have is that, her sister has a son (he's 30). I used to be friendly with him in my younger days (like 15-17) as we had to see each other on xmas or easter but once we grew up we didn't see each other nor do either of us make the effort to message each other. I haven't seen him or spoken to him in 6 years to date nor has he met my FH. Which is why I included him and his partner on the evening reception.
However, this was not good enough for my step mother. She wants him invited to the whole day. Saying he was hurt not to get an invite. (I haven't sent out the evening reception invitations yet).She wants me to choose him over my close friend's who I see every day.
My fiancée and I are paying for our wedding ourselves and we have a limit of 70 people including ourselves at the venue. The wedding RSVP deadline is today and guest list closes. I have told her if someone drops out I will offer him the space but I can't promise, especially as I don't expect them to travel 2 hours for a 6 hour party.
I honestly tried to include him in the initial guest list but it was between him and his partner (who I have never met) or joint close friends of myself and my FH.
All hell has broken loose because of this as I have said everyone has RSVP'd yes and I have only invited him to the evening. And I have had enough of multiple people in my family dictating who to invite.
How do I deal with all this guilt she is putting me through? Because I feel like the worst person in the world.

8 replies

Latest activity by Claire, 3 January, 2023 at 07:01
  • MarvellousAsh
    Beginner April 2023 Dorset
    MarvellousAsh ·
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    Just a quick edit. . . My step mum had asked for her sister to be invited, since I am fond of her and have seen her a fair amount the last few years I agreed and said her sister would like to marry us, again I agreed as I thought it was a lovely idea having someone who knew me as a 13 year old and saw me grow up, marry me to the love of my life. Her mother I see every few months.

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  • C
    VIP April 2022 Wiltshire
    Charlotte ·
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    I feel for you, weddings can bring out the worst in people. I think you need to bite the bullet and explain that whilst you appreciate they would like you to invite him, it is your day and as you have not seen him for 6 years , your hubby to be has not met him and you are limited on numbers, you have sadly had to take the decision not to invite him.

    Whilst you understand feelings may be hurt, the only people whos feelings really matter are yours and your hubby. I would tell them that this has caused YOU upset and stress and is that what they really want? Make it clear that this is not up for debate, the numbers have been closed and if a space comes free he will be top of the list but you are no longer able to emotionally deal with it or discuss further and ask that they respect your decision for your wedding. It will be hard but you have to stand up for yourself, is your wedding and no one should demand an invite. Good luck xx
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  • R
    Genius July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    Be firm. This is your wedding and you are only able to invite a limited number of people. Reasonable people will understand that. If step-mum doesn't want to attend a wedding that her son is not invited to, then she is free to decline her invitation.

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  • MarvellousAsh
    Beginner April 2023 Dorset
    MarvellousAsh ·
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    Hi thank you for the response. I will definitely be holding my ground on this situation. Also it's not her son, he's her nephew.
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  • MarvellousAsh
    Beginner April 2023 Dorset
    MarvellousAsh ·
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    Thank you for the reply. I will definitely be having this conversation in a few days once I've calmed down. And thank you for the words of support 😊 xx
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  • C
    Beginner May 2025 Devon
    Courtney ·
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    At the end of the day, this is your wedding! The happiest most important day of your lives. And you need people there who you want there, I wanted to invite everyone first of all then when I seen the prices I had to go back and think about it who is going to make my day extra special. It can get awkward with family invites, some people in the day some in the evening ect. But if they love you and are happy for you they will do everything they can to make your day as easy as possible not making you choose! As I’ve said it can be hard as it may effect peoples feelings however this is your only (hopefully) wedding and it’s your money!
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  • S
    Rockstar April 2023 West London
    Sarah ·
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    To be honest I’d look at this as a “damage is done” situation. He already knows he’s not been chosen for an invitation, so offering one now probably wouldn’t make any difference to how they all feel about it anyway.

    It is your day, do what makes you happy.

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  • Claire
    Curious October 2024 Cumbria
    Claire ·
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    If there is a polite way to do it, gently remind her who it is that’s getting married… I find it so rude that parents expect certain people to be invited, if they are contributing financially to the day then yes I feel they should have a small say, although my Mum is helping out a lot and has only asked for 2 couples to come who I would have asked anyways, yet my FH mum is trying to get us to invite her stepsisters children, who I have never met in the 12 years we have been together, nor has FH had an awful lot to do with. I’ve told FH that they can come if his mum wants to pay for them 😂 I would rather have people there who I actually want though, we have tried to explain that who we invite are people that are actively involved in our lives and will remain that way, we also haven’t invited certain people due to numbers, so it would be unfair to choose them over the ones we actually want x
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