Struggling to afford - advice needed!

Print out your post and give it to your partner.

My advice is to have a conversation with your partner. As a couple, you need to agree priorities. We all have a finite amount of cash to do stuff with. I suggest sitting down and figuring out how much you think you can afford (without it being a massive struggle). From there, agree a figure with your partner; and then figure out a budget. E.g. £X for venue; £X for food; £X for drink; etc.

We were married in March 2015. No matter how much planning or cash, there were things that weren't perfect on the day but it was a perfect day (if that makes sense). So, don't be afraid to pare down the guest list, and only invite people you genuinely know and love.

It is only a day.

Best of luck.

Hi ? Tricky situation to be stuck in if your partner isn't willing to budge on the amount of people he wants to invite. You sound so much like myself on what you want from your special day but luckily for me my partner agreed with me on having a small diy wedding. Weddings are expensive but at the same time they are only as expensive as people make them. There really isn't a lot of ways to save on a wedding day apart from location, day of the week and like you've said yourself the amount of guests you intend to invite. He's going to have to compromise with you somewhere. Will he definitely not budge on the amount of guests? If he won't he's going to have to compromise with you on the professional aspects. I've made nearly everything myself for our wedding decoration wise and i'm over the moon with everything i've made. It has saved us a heck of a lot of money doing it myself and not hiring things. Only way to sort this is to talk with him again. Does he really think a flashy wedding is so important that he would be willing to postpone again (venue depending) or risk not been able to afford the wedding at all and losing the money that has been spent by yourselves and your family if the venue wouldn't postpone again. Hope you get this sorted and that he see's the wedding and what's the most important aspects of it the same way you do afterwards.

Hi lovely - welcome to the forums

Firstly, remember that your day is split into two sections. The Ceremony and the Evening Reception.

Your Ceremony guests are the most expensive as these are the ones who get fed a 'proper' meal. This is usually reserved for close family only.

I don't see any reason that you couldn't invite just your families to the day portion and then he can invite his friends from down the pub to the evening part. They'll only need a buffet.

Secondly, take a look at your other expenses. What can you feasibly DIY yourself? What can you cut out that you don't need? Get quotes from lots of suppliers and work out who's shafting you the least

I'm super perfectionist, so DIYing stuff made more sense for me so that I can make SURE it's perfect.

Tell him that you aren't postponing again. Draw up a budget (there's a budget planner under the "My Wedding Planner" section on this site) and try your hardest to stick to it. Eliminate anything unnecessary from your day. For example, do you NEED a marquee at your reception venue or do they have an inside space you could use?

This is all definitely do-able, you just need to get him to understand that you need to be a united front.

Difficult situation. I agree that it's silly to get yourself into months or years of unmanageable debt for one day - it's not worth the stress & worry it will cause, especially with a new baby etc as you say you'll be on mat leave by then - but of course no one is obliged to pay for your wedding for you - it's nice if people do want to help, & of course frustrating to be promised something & then have it taken away when you've already started committing to a plan for your day.

I agree with you that the most important thing is the getting married - marquees are expensive though so is it worth re-thinking the venue if there's no alternative there to hiring one, or maybe it'd be better value to suck up the loss of the £500 deposit if you can marry elsewhere for £2k cheaper overall, for example?

Keeping things small in terms of numbers in the day will obviously also help, & then more evening guests would make things cheaper.

Good luck - I am sure there's a workable solution out there - if you need any more help or advice, give us a shout!

I agree with everything above and would only add to shop around. We aren't DIYing very much at all (coz I'm not very arty!) but what we are doing I'm spending most of my time comparing prices, watching eBay and buying very carefully to keep our budget down.

Also make a realistic budget. We did ours with my parents and I knew they were going to be surprised at how much it cost so I had quotes ready from the two venues we were looking at, photographers, dresses, alterations, kilts, flowers and music. The budget was way more than any of us were really expecting but at least it was accurate. We planned the date around what we could afford. Now when we save money it's fantastic - but if we don't we are happy that the budget is still on track. We aren't saving from parts of the budget because we were unrealistic.

We cut guest numbers down though. Originally we were expecting to invite 150 during the day and 200 at night. But I was looking at expensive venues. The venue was a top priority to us (I want really good food, cheapish bar and nice rooms) so we cut the numbers to 80 during the day and 120 at night. Anyone who hasn't met us as a couple were immediately binned. Anyone we haven't seen personally in the last year were on the evening list (unless there was a really good reason). Then we just got ruthless. People understand though - weddings are expensive and you can't invite everyone!

Thanks for the advice guys. Fiance was supposed to be finding out exactly what to expect from his dad yesterday, but couldn't get hold of him, so hopefully he'll manage to today so that we can properly lay down what we have and look at our options properly. I did tentatively mention last night that I thought the guest list could be cut, and he didn't flat out refuse, but certainly wasn't keen on the idea. He still kept saying it wasn't a big deal to postpone again, but it really is to me, especially when my family have made so much effort to help us with it and I don't want to let them down again either. Plus, as I mentioned, we're never going to have the money for the grand wedding he has in mind, no matter how long we wait! ?

We definitely need a marquee at the venue we've chosen, as it's in the gardens of a listed building which is someone'a home. It isn't possible to swap the venue as my grandparents gave us the deposit for it knowing how much we wanted it, and my grandad has since passed away and I can't bear the thought of cancelling and losing his money when it's so special to me that he had an input. However, if I could get fiance to agree to cut the guest list, we could definitely get away with a smaller marquee, and do away with the extra bar (the venue has a small one included in the hire price anyway), plus cut costs on furniture etc. Also cuts down on the catering costs. Someone my mum works with and her mum will make us buffet food and desserts for later on at a fraction of the cost of hiring an outside company, so that part is ok, it's just the hot food for immediately after the wedding that bumps the cost up.

I have my wedding dress which I got for £80 from preloved (only been worn for a photo shoot!), but still have alterations and shoes etc to pay for, and EVERYTHING else still needs to be organised and paid for. As I mentioned though my mum will pay the rest of the reception venue hire cost, and for the Church. We haven't actually asked family for any money, as I agree with one of posters that it shouldn't be expected, but this is what my family wanted to do. His family offered to organise and pay for catering, and put some towards marquee, then just backed out of everything when it came to us wanting to book.

Hopefully we'll be able to discuss it all properly later. I have friends and family with skills that we could make use of if he'll compromise on them not all being professionals, and I'm an expert bargain hunter for the smaller aspects of the day... but it's the unavoidable bigger expenses that come with a bigger wedding that are the main issue ? Thanks again for all the responses - I really hope we can come to an agreement and make use of some of the suggestions so that we can go ahead as planned, without it breaking the bank or putting too much pressure on. I really would rather have the money to spend on our baby who we've gone through so much to finally be blessed with, than spending a tonne on fancy things to impress a bunch of people who aren't a big influence in our lives ❤️

Weddings need not be big expensive stressful or involved. All you ever need is you and your hubby and a registrar, elope to the registry office and have a romantic day of it?

Couldn't agree more LalaC1988! Just be careful with letting family pay for things as they might automatically assume it gives them rights to demand things and also you might end up feeling forever indebted to them for giving you the money.

We're definitely set on a Church wedding, and the reception venue has a deposit down already that we don't want to lose. But we absolutely could have a smaller marquee without the extra bar, and lower catering costs etc if we cut the guest list down to just immediate family and our closest friends. It would even be a possibility to move the wedding to a day during the week if we had a very small guest list (40-50 people). That would of course cut costs even further as at the moment wedding date is on a Saturday!

Fiancé is just so reluctant to cut the guest list down, and I can't seem to make him understand that that's the biggest problem and that we don't need a big lavish do just to impress a load of people who he spends no time with outside of work and his hobbies. To me it is literally just about celebrating our commitment with those we really love, and i don't feel the need for half the stuff he thinks is essential because of what other weddings we've been to have been like (all older couples with years of savings or people with well off families)... so difficult as I can't force him into a very small wedding, but it feels like the big wedding is for the wrong reasons.

Oh and I also know my mum won't put pressure on us to do what she wants, she's just been trying to help with suggestions etc, as have other family members. And fiance's dad isn't the type to force his opinions either, so we're all good there. The only ones who are making contributions are those who want what's best for us and are helping for all the right reasons rather than to take control. Thanks for your points of view! ☺️

Would you be able to alter the timings at all to make it cheaper? As it seems like the venue is important to you, but the guest list is important to your fiance, and it seems like you need to try and find a compromise so that you can both get what you really want for the wedding.

ie could you skip the seated dinner/hot food after the ceremony? So have the church service late afternoon, then more or less go straight into the evening bit. It'd mean less furniture as you won't need big banquet tables, just some seats for guests. It'd be less formal/traditional but would save you some cash.

Unfortunately altering the timings wouldn't make a whole lot of difference, as it would make the hire of the reception venue very bad value for money to cut several hours off of our time there (and we would still have to pay for extra bar that will be needed etc). They only hold one function each weekend so that you have exclusive use on your wedding date and plenty of time for them to set up and make it perfect for the individual couple, rather than it being somewhere that charges solely for the amount of time you spend there (like the one in, one out kind of venues do!).

We chose it as there are lots of unique activities that you can do during the day time to make it different from the other weddings we've been to, and we wouldn't be able to make the most of these if we started the reception late on in the day. We can't extend the reception until any later either to claw back lost time during the day, as the venue is only licensed until midnight. Fiance did know all these things before we booked I should add (and said he loved it too), and we were told the optimum guest number before we left to consider, with the owner putting an emphasis on smaller weddings being the best ones... this has now been thrown out the window as he thinks of more and more people he feels obliged to invite ? lol I can cut more from my guest list to accomdate some of these people, but his list is already twice the size of mine so I'm going to end up with about 20% of the guest list if I do, and be cutting out family to make room for people who really don't need to be there ?

Hi, I agree with the other posters. I would explain to him that the wedding is about being surrounded by people who love you not people he feels obliged to invite. Every wedding is different with different budgets. Invite all these people to the evening only. Make cut backs on things like food and drink and maybe have someone drive you do you don't need expensive cars. Wedding cakes can be British bake off style competition with guests bringing something. Lastly I wouldn't book anything someone else is paying for unless you have the full money. Of course life happens to everyone and if they can't then afford it you're stuck with the bill or have to cancel it.

Discuss this with your partner and draw up a realistic budget you can afford allowing for problems and then plan your day accordingly. And don't be afraid to cut numbers! Yes people will complain but tough. X

I've now put my foot down at 50 people for the ceremony. I know I won't get it down anymore than that as fiance has a lot of close friends, as well as more immediate family than me which is fair enough. I've only managed to find one catering company available on our date, and friends of my mum said they could do buffet and desserts later on, so I can't do anything more in terms of food now. Drinks wise I can only cut costs if we don't have the extra bar provided by the marquee company. The venue has a bar, but it is small and limited as to how many it can really cater for within the price, and all the additional evening guests are big drinkers ?

We haven't put deposits down on anything other than reception venue, as I'm not paying out anymore until the marquee is definitely sorted. But means we're cutting it fine to book entertainment etc... We're using a vehicle owned by someone in fiance's family, and I'll ask a family friend to take some photos, as we lost our professional photographer the first time we postponed. Fiance wants a particular cake doing professionally, although I may manage to compromise on cost by keeping his favourite part and tweaking the rest...

I do feel bad to pressure him to cut his guest list down a lot, because he is more sociable than me and of course the day is about both of us. But we always said we wanted a small wedding focusing on the ceremony itself, and didn't understand the need for a big lavish do that costs thousands... Oh how times change under the influence of other people's weddings lol ?? I want us both to be happy, but I don't want to be one of these couples who keep messing people about due to having ideas above their station!

And I know people understand we don't have much money due to everything that's happened the last couple of years, so I genuinely don't think people would be funny if they don't receive an invite... I'm wondering if there's anything we can do that still acknowledges people without putting so much pressure on us? Like taking some wedding cake down the pub he goes to and buying a round/catching up with them all the day after? Or is that just crap? ???

How about an informal party at home after the Wedding?

We're not actually paying for drinks, but as it is such a small bar included at the venue, it's limited as to how much it can serve. So we would have to hire an additional bar to be set up inside the marquee, for there to be enough available for additional guests (not sure at this point exactly how much of a difference it makes cost wise, but I'm trying to avoid any extras at all and reduce the space we need inside marquee too so we can hire a smaller one and save there).

I've been quoted 250-325 for the cake by a local lady who makes them from her own home with her sister, so is cheaper than the actual shops. The top part is quite tricky as it's a round bird cage with intricate detailing on it, so it's the fact it's time consuming that means we can't get it cheaper as the other layers have lots of detail too. Wondering if I can get fiance to agree to making the other layers more plain or having cupcakes on a tiered stand below the bird cage bit...

I suppose a barbecue or party at home could be an option ? It's just with everyone on his evening list being big drinkers they'll be less inclined to want to come over to us en mass and have to pay for taxis etc lol Also we don't have THAT much space... but it may be workable so definitely worth considering! Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions ☺️

Fiance still hasn't managed to get hold of his dad, but promised me he would today as reception venue is going to be asking for next £500 any time now! He's adamant that if we can't get X amount from his dad that the wedding is being postponed/cancelled if reception venue won't postpone again. So I'm getting a bit stressy now as I can't hand over any more money until I know what's happening, in case he really won't be convinced to downsize and make it more informal. I need to know what I'm telling venues/suppliers that I've been making enquiries to before it all went pear shaped, as I can't hold people off much longer ?

How would you feel - instead of organising expensive catering ordering a massive round of pizzas in? or something and getting a deal from a local pizza place... might find it a lot cheaper if your dead set on the marque

That is something that I actually had suggested a while back as I like this idea, but fiance didn't seem to like it as he thought guests would judge. We've been quoted £595 for a big old American school bus which serves burgers and hot dogs etc, and that's the best I've been able to find for hot food without going down the takeaway route, so that was my compromise to at least avoid an actual sit down meal. Unfortunately the marquee is unavoidable due to the venue having no indoor area, just the gardens. Which would be fine if we could guarantee the weather, but if it rains we're screwed!

That's a really good price for the cake, so I can't be of any help there!

I hope you manage to get something sorted with h2b

xx

Yeah that is really cheap for a cake, which would make me a bit cautious - do you know someone who's used her before/does she have a good portfolio to look at? M&S do a birdcade style cake for £350 and I've seen good things about them. Or if she just did the top layer you can get cheap plain layers form M&S for it to stand on?

We're having a fancy two tier cake done by my aunt, then having a kitchen slab in the back to make up the amount of cake for the numbers we have.

We've had a lot of recommendations for her and have seen pics of cakes she's done in the past, so know she's genuinely good at what she does. It's cheaper as she doesn't have a shop, she does it all from home ☺️

And that's a good idea to get the cake slabs to serve so that we wouldn't need the "show" cake to be as big! ????

And now my car's just failed it's MOT and something has fallen to bits during the service so that's another £500 down ??