Surname once married

You've skated over the most troubling aspect of this - that your FH 'won't discuss it' and 'shuts the subject down very quickly'. It's OK for him to feel sad/disappointed that you don't want to take his name, but it's NOT ok for him to refuse to discuss the topic.

Poor communication is one of the biggest reasons relationships fail, so it is really concerning that your FH is refusing to discuss something that is concerning you even before you are married. Please don't brush this under the carpet. You both need to raise subjects that are difficult and to be able to discuss them openly without someone going 'no speak' or throwing a strop. Before you do anything else, I'd suggest you do some pre-marriage prep/counselling to help you communicate better as a couple.

I absolutely agree with RomanticGreenStationery27135 that your FH should be able to discuss this with you. It is not uncommon for women to keep their maiden names; I know I certainly won't be changing my surname as I am very proud of it and feel that it is part of my identity. You can change your name to take your FH's surname, double-barrel, or keep your maiden name. Either way, it is YOUR name, and your FH should understand that this is important to you.

I have to second what Romantic and Elizabeth have already said. Your partner should be open to discussing this with you, even if it's difficult or causes some hurt feelings. Communication is key! And this is about your identity!


Since you've said you were in a toxic and painful marriage before, you know how important it is to make sure history doesn't repeat itself.
Now on the legal side of things, there are very strict laws in the UK about changing your name through marriage. Spouses can take their husband or wife's surname as their own after the marriage, using the marriage certificate as proof to change any legal documentation. Or they can keep their own surname and make no changes. Double barrelling is not automatic (although you can choose to be referred to that way). A double barrelled surname is in effect creating a new name and for that new name to be legally recognised (passport, driver's license, banks etc.) you would need to change it via deed poll (which is FREE!!).