Surnames

I took my husband's name, but apart from a few elderly relatives, no one assumed that I would - some people asked outright what our new married names would be, so that they could address cards correctly, while others just didn't use our surname until they found out casually. So you might not find it's an issue. People sending cards before a wedding usually don't put 'Mr & Mrs' anyway, while most of those bringing cards to the wedding usually just put first names on the envelope.

If you want to communicate it beforehand, you could try coming up with a hashtag that will make it clear what the new name will be - that would be a fun, low key way of announcing it. It's difficult to think of another way of putting it in an invite that wouldn't come across as really awkward.

Some people will probably ignore whatever you say anyway. A couple of people are still pointedly referring to me as Miss 'Mysinglename', even though they know I've changed my name because they object so strongly to any woman doing that!!! And I'm sure if it had been the other way around, and he'd taken my name, I'd have had other people insisting on calling me 'Mrs Hislastname'.

This is great, I love to hear this and people being non-traditional! It surprises me now on the odd occasion when I hear of women taking their husbands names as most of my friends and family kept theirs, but I think it’s still the norm, and it definitely seems to be assumed in the uk in a way it isn’t in other countries...


I’ll be keeping my name, and I never considered your question, but it’s an interesting one. We’ve already received a card addressed to “mr and mrs (his name)” and it was annoying, not least because we’re not even married yet! For invites, we will either go our two full names or just our first names, and I will just be mentioning to people in passing that I won’t be taking his name. People have already begun to ask me, so it might be that you’ll get that question ahead of time, and you’ll be able to tell people then. But you probably won’t be able to have that conversation with all guests ahead of the wedding - so perhaps on the invite you could have “mr and Mrs x-to-be” somewhere? That way people will be clear ahead of time of the names you’re taking. If you have a wedding website you can have it on there too. And put the message out amongst close friends and family so they can tell other people ahead of time as well.
Very interested to know what you choose to do - and got me thinking about how I put it out amongst certain friends and family that I won’t be “Mrs his name” !

This is interesting and is currently a topic of conversation in my house! My partner wants me to take his surname. I’m not against it personally, I just really can’t be bothered! I want to stay Miss Singlename. I’ve lived with this name for 43 years and it just seems a bit pointless to change it now and too much effort! My partner does not agree!


In terms of guests and family, I’ve never given it any thought. They are probably assuming I will take his name (no one has asked) I doesn’t really bother me if they call me Mrs Hisname.

I actually want the connection to my future husbands name so people know we’re married - in fact for me personally it’s important. But I also can’t quite bring myself to lose my maiden name given I’ve had it over 50 years, so I’m thinking of having both. I’m hoping it won’t complicate things but have a friend who did it so need to ask her advice!

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If you want to use your maiden name as a new middle name (or double-barrell it), then you need to do it by deed poll. Which is really annoying. I had thought about being Mrs Firstname SingleSurname MarriedSurname as they sounded really nice together and also, I'm the last of my family, so it would have been nice to keep the name for my lifetime. But I couldn't be bothered with the hassle of the paperwork, so went with Firstname MarriedSurname instead. I'm Firstname SingleSurname MarriedSurname on social media though, so haven't entirely lost it! (And there are always those few who refuse to use my married name anyway, so I'll still be Mrs SingleSurname to them)

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That does sound a pain, so thanks for letting me know. Definitely one to investigate. I’m now wondering whether my friend actually did it formally or informally now!

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I really like the hashtag idea, thank you! We have already had engagement cards to 'Mr & Mrs HisName to be' ? I can't believe people are calling you a different name because they object - how archaic! xx

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Yes, I always knew I would keep my name but my fiancé wants us to be a family unit with one family name. I feel quite honoured really that he is so respectful of my wishes and loves my family enough to take our name himself ? We have also had engagement cards to 'Mr & Mrs HisName', we haven't sent out any save the dates or anything yet so including what you've mentioned above may clarify our choice! Thank you xx

This is nice! We are planning on a sparkler send off so may be a good place to pop it, thank you xx

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It's a difficult one, isn't it!? Ask him to change his name and see how he reacts ? It's a huge deal and such a big part of our identity. I can't imagine having any other name and our family name ends with me; I made it very clear from the beginning that I will never change my name and our children (if we are blessed!) will have my name (or at a push a double-barrelled name). I think I am bothered by people assuming I will be Mrs HisName because his choice to take my family name is such a display of love for our family that I want everyone to know! xx

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Double-Barrelled names can sound lovely! My fiancé feels the same about people knowing we're married, which is why he has decided to take my name so we are a family unit. Quite sweet really! xx

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It's weird how where I am, things have totally swung the opposite way - the woman taking the man's name is seen almost as if you're 'betraying womankind'!!! I don't mind if couples each keep their original name, or if they both use his name or hers or if they double-barrell or create a new name. But I can't see the point of getting upset because 'changing your name to your husband's is perpetuating the patriarchy' - because unless you create a totally new name for your married one, you're either known by the surname that was your father's or your husband's, so what's the difference???!!!

This is something that has been discussed in my house too. It is actually a bit complicated as I have two children from a previous relationship who have their dad's surname and as I never married their dad I have the name I was born with! The girls live with me and my fiancé so in our household though there are three surnames, mine, fiancé's and the two kids! When we have been on holiday and at the airport I was once advised to take the girls birth certificates with me to prove I was not trafficking the two kids as we all had different surnames! Crazy! So do I take his name so there are only two surnames in the house and it shows we are married or do I just keep my own which will finish with me anyway as I am one of two girls and my sister took husbands name! Complicated huh! I should add my fiancé said he wasn't bothered about me taking his name so maybe I won't. I am not sure how older family would take it but we are not particularly traditional so I might get away with it!

Really interesting discussion. I will be keeping my surname and hubby to be will take my surname, though in our profession we will both keep our current names if that makes sense! He was not fussed to keep his name, so happy to do so. We had not even considered people sending cards in the wrong name.... Something else to add to the list of things to worry about!!!