Tell me your favourite joke

My favourite at the moment is: Real Madrid are annoyed at themselves for spending £80m on Ronaldo after hearing Primark sell big girl's blouses for £4.00.

My long time favourite is: Man walks into bedroom where wife is in bed with a sheep under his arm. Says, this is the pig I shag when you've got a headache. Wife says I think you'll find that's a sheep. Man says I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep.

Belters! ?

I have two - i still can't get them out properly for laughing when i force people to listen to them. i think i find them funny because they are so bad, iyswim.

anyhoo:

why are pirates called pirates? because they just aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrr!

why do pirates go to the opera? for the arias and the high c's. (the aaaaaaaarrrrias and the high seas. geddit? har har.)

badoom tish.

i'll get my coat.

My favourite for ages was what do you call a French man wearing sandals? Felippe Filoppe. But I think I've gone off it now. I might replace it with Chicken's pig/sheep one.

What do you call a 3 legged donkey?

a wonky.

it's my only joke ?

My favourite joke needs to be heard, it's all about the accent however this one has always tickled me;

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''

Definately seeing some potential in accompanying pirate impressions ?

This is great stuff.

It's a keeper though. Believe me, mine was much worse and (pardon the pun) quite lame to boot

That's a fab joke, Memyselfandi ?

My favourite is distinctly un-PC.

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the little girl?

"Would you like to buy a sweetie?"

My favourite jokes are usually the very short ones.

E.g. Two goldfish in a tank. One of them says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park in it, man.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One of them says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

How do you kill a whole circus all at once? Go for the juggler.

I also love this one: A man walks into a pub with an octopus under his arm. He walks up to the bar and says to the barman, "See this octopus? He can play any musical instrument."

The barman says, "No way!" So the man sits the octopus down at the pub piano and the octopus proceeds to play a beautiful tune. The barman finds an old tin whistle behind the bar and says, "I bet he can't play this." So the man gives the whistle to the octopus and the octopus whistles a jig. "Amazing!" says the barman, "but I bet he can't play this...." And disappearing for a few seconds he comes back with some bagpipes. He puts the bagpipes down on the bar. The octopus looks at them very hard, then walks all around them looking at them. "Well," says his owner, "aren't you going to play it?"

"Play it?" says the octopus. "If I can figure out how to get its pyjamas off I'm going to *** it."

My offering is rather rubbish and quite old, but here goes:

Frenchmen buy condoms in packs of six for sex once daily during the week, Monday to Saturday

Italian men buy a pack of 8 condoms for sex Monday to Thursday, then sex twice on Fridays and Saturdays as Sunday is the Sabbath and a rest day

Englishmen buy 12 pack condoms for January, February, March...

Probably not one to repeat to elderly ladies or young children! ?

A cleaner one is What do you call a dear with no eyes?

No idea.

I'll get my coat.

What's yellow, brown and hairy?

Cheese on toast dropped on the floor

A bit long but this is my favourite at the moment.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens every day for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in
caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

.
.

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

<Gets ready to run...>

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt...

Sophie, that made me guffaw. I shall be repeating that somewhere near here soon.

I like

"Why did the banana go to the Doctors?"

"Because he didn't peel very well" (courtesy of Rache's John)

And

Two nuns are driving down the road.

A vampire lands on the bonnet.

One nun says gasps, and says to the other "show him your cross".

The other nun shouts angrily at the vampire "oi, get off the bloody bonnet right now, you cheeky blighter"

(The second joke was rendered much much funnier by my crap-at-telling-jokes Mum, who revved herself up, and delivered the third line as "One nun says gasps, and says to the other "show him your angry", carrying on until the end, and then muttering "no that's not right is it?" as we all fell about.......)

I love it when pretty crappy jokes are made much funnier through incompetent telling - I shared an open-plan office with someone who was a little overfond of Irish jokes, and when he had visitors he tried telling a joke he'd already told us the previous week, namely "What do you call an Irish bush?"

The correct answer is "a thicket", but instead he said "a coppice", and was greeted by general bafflement.

And it took ages for the penny to drop that he'd basically fucked up the punchline beyond repair, which led to much silent hilarity as those of the rest of us who'd twigged exactly what had happened struggled to keep a straight face.

? Tears splashing on keyboard, snot on screen. That is fabulous

That reminds me of a friend at university who spent ages saying to everyone, "What's the difference between sex and anal sex? Having sex makes your day, having anal sex makes your entire week!" ?

Waah it took me a minute to get that!

I could do with a new one too as I've been using this for years but here goes:

There are 2 parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other "can you smell fish?"

This is my favourite:

A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says "I am the hardest tarmac around, you wont find any tarmac around that's harder than me. Now get me a drink and I wont cause any trouble". The barman duly complies, and the tarmac sits there drinking his pint. A little while later, a green piece of tarmac walks into the bar, goes up to the barman and says "I am the hardest tarmac around, you wont find any tarmac around that's harder than me. Now get me a drink and I wont cause any trouble". The barman takes a look at him and thinks he might be quite mean, so hands him his pint. The green tarmac and black tarmac then sit there with each other arguing about who is the hardest. A few minutes later, a red piece of tarmac walks into the bar, goes up to the barman and asks for a pint. The barman turns to where the black and green pieces of tarmac were sitting, and is amazed to see they have disappeared, and are now cowering in the corner. "Hey!" says the barman. "I thought you two were the hardest pieces of tarmac around - what gives?". "Oh yes", they say. "But him, he's a cycle path".

male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
> wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
> heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
> procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
> partial sponge bath.
> Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
> testicles black?'
> Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
> Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
> He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
> black?'
> Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
> about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
> and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
> She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
> his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
> around.
> Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
> nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
> The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
> says very slowly,
> 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
> very, very closely......
>
>
> ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ? '

Man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

This one has been my favourtie for about 15 years.

Q.What's green with four wheels?

A. The grass.

(I was only kidding on about the wheels)?

My other is

Man walks into the shop and ask for a bar of green soap. Shop assistant says sorry, we only have white soap. Manys says "Aw, it's ok hen, I've got my bike outside"?

A man goes into a pub and is suprised to see a little man, about one foot tall playing the piano on the bar.

He's intrigued by this little man and asks the barman where he is from. The barman explains that he found an old lamp in the cellar and when he rubbed it a genie appeared and offered him a wish.

The man is amazed by this and begs the barman to look at the lamp and have a wish of his own. The barman is very reluctant but in the end hands the man the lamp with a warning to be very careful when he wishes.

The man rubs the lamp and when the genie appears, he closes his eyes and makes a wish.

Suddenly there is a whooshing sound and the bar is full of hundreds and hundreds of birds. "What's going on!" cries the man, "I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks".

The barman looks at the man and shakes his head sadly "I told you to be careful when you wished. Do you think I really wanted a 12 inch pianist?"

My favourite joke ever!

Wahahaha Sophie! Mr L. is now looking disgusted after I retold your joke, barely managing to get the punch line out through my mirth.

I have two favourites:

Man walks into a butchers shop and says to the butcher, "Could I have a pound of kiddleys please?"

The butcher replies, "Don't you mean kidneys?"

And the man replies, "That's what I said, diddle eye??"

A nun was having a bath when there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it" asked the nun

"It's the blind man" came the reply

"Oh that's okay then, come on in" said the nun

The door opens, in walks a man, looks the nun up and down and says "Nice tits love, now where do you want me to hang your blinds?"

The Pope is taking a walk through the Vatican gardens when he is overcome by lust and desire and realises he absolutely has to pleasure himself immediately. He hurries to a secluded gazebo and does the deed.

Just as he is reaching climax, he realises he is being watched by some tourists and one is holding a camera. Terrified, he gets himself together and approaches the tourists.

“How much for the camera?” he pants.

“$10,000,” the man replies.

“Done!” says the Pope, relieved, and after completing the deal he starts off back across the gardens carrying the camera.

Just as he’s reaching the door to his office he bumps into one of the Cardinals.

“Wow!” exclaims the Cardinal, “that’s a Canon 5D Mk II! How much did that set you back?”

Flustered, the Pope replies honestly. “$10,000.”

The Cardinal whistles. “Crikey,” he says, “they must have seen you coming!”

I don't get this one. ?

Loving these jokes.

My old favourite is this one.

Two old ladies get on a bus, take there seat and start there journey home. At the next stop a man in a long overcoat gets on, walks up to them and immediately flashes at them.

One of them had a stroke... but the other one couldn't quite reach... BOOM BOOM!

And I always rely on the old favourite Tommy Cooper if I need cheering up. His one liners are excellent!

http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/comedians/comedian_tommy_cooper.htm#Tommy_Cooper_Jokes_-_Two_liners

I've posted this one before but it still makes me titter..