The in-laws and the guest list - any advice?!

My OH got into a similar row with his parents.

I ended up telling him to shhhh, and put everyone on the guest list that they wanted, as I really didn't think it was something to have a row over.

Because of this (and a few other reasons, such as a man just inviting himself and his family, lol) we ended up with 7 more people invited to the wedding than we actually had places for. This worried us a little, but we knew we would likely have a few people say no to the invitation, and a couple more drop out last minute. We actually ended up with minus 3 rather than plus 7 on our numbers, and were able to allow three of our guests to bring their new boyfriends at the last minute, so as not to waste those spaces which we'd already paid for.

Are you certain ALL your other guests are actually coming? Or might you be able to fit in two more? Might it be worth your OH saying to his parents that you'll send them an invitation only when you have two spaces become free after the RSVPs have been received back?

Welcome to Hitched. You'll find your plight is not an uncommon one. Search the wedding planning forum and you'll find loads of similar posts.

Sadly there is no magic solution. All you can do is support your H2B to stand his ground with this and stick to a firm but polite, sorry but no. That there's any difference in family size should be irrelevant - especially when it's so small. Your FMIL would have a field day with mne, my "side" is outnumbered 3:1. It's just the way it goes.

This sounds quite crazy and I think you need to stand your ground! I can understand why an evening invitation is not appropriate in this case, so I think you just need to be firm and say no.

Stand your ground certainly, if its worth it. If the prospect of falling out with your h2bs parents is worse than allowing these extra guests, then let them come. If you don't care about the fallout then stand your ground. I always think its not worth a huge row at the end of the day. Besides, they may say no - you never know!

Really interesting you have posted this as I have a similar yet opposite problem.

For our wedding we are paying a percentage and the rest is split down the middle ie: the venue to both sets of parents. Despite me sharing the guest list with OHs parents numerous times and checking I had family groups correctly, I had a horrid phone call this weekend that I have invited OHs Mums elder sister when the younger sister doesn't like her - I was devastated as I tried to check on this several times and even asked OHs mum how to word that particular invite ie, sister and family or sister, husband, son etc - she TOLD me just sister and family BUT apparently now she told me to hold sending it!!

Apparently I have ruined everything now and despite I being in floods of tears at the hostility and the fact I had not made a mistake I was never told to hold. And hold for what? I only have a month for RSVPs - no explanation has been given to whether younger sister will now attend and "un-ruin" everything or received an apology.

I too thought I had a good relationship with his parents but . . .

I would stand firm. They have had their chance to give their input and its a bit random as they are their neighbours who you don't even know? You have offered a compromise so you are being fair, not your fault they don't like the compromise.

I had the same thing with my in-laws. We eventually compromised on just evening invites but for 8 couples!

Something I didnt expect though was a decline RSVP from 6 of them each with a card explaining that they were thankful for the invitation but were declining because they realised that the in laws had asked for them to be invited but they thought it was more important to spend the day with our friends.

I was pretty gob-smacked, MIL even more so!!

If you cant stand your ground then try and compromise. If thats not working then you'll have to decide if the fight is worth it.

Just say no. It's your wedding.

Honestly it's the best advice I can give you.

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Put your foot down and tell them what you wrote here ^^^^^ I'm sure they will understand that you just don't have room for any extras.

My OH's family is literally 4 people, him, his brother, his mum and nan. Not a single Auntie, Uncle or Cousin anywhere.

My family is huge with tonnes of Aunties, Uncles and Cousins who we both love all dearly. There are about 40 in total.

MIL told us straight that she NEEDED 40 invites to give to her friends so that it was fair (full day invites). When we explained that the venue only holds 60 - 70 and once we have bridal party there simply isn't the room (chose the venue based on our numbers of 60 - 70) she told us to uninvite our bridesmaids? and my family as it wasn't fair that her family was represented.

Your family is REPRESENTED, they are ALL there! It's not our fault that there are so few of them!!

Luckily OH laughed with me when she requested this. Lol.

Her other suggestion was as OH has 3 family members then I should do too. Yes that's going to work with 2 kids, mum, dad, 2 brothers, a sister in law, a nephew and a nan! Her suggestion was we should get married with just our two kids and my mum so that it was 'equal'.

I laughed harder...

The only thing you can do is stand your ground! My FMIL tried this - there is a thread somewhere! Despite having a conversation with her that they would not be invited because OH hasn't seen them in about 9 years or something - and I've never even heard of them - the reason she was pushing so hard is because she had decided to invite them herself…

Could your in-laws have already verbally invited them and are now trying to force you into it to save face?

I never understand this 'equal representation' cr*p. I am an only child. OH is one of 4, and he is 15 years younger than his brorthes and sister. They are all married with kids, and one of his nephews even has their own child. So, just going basic immediate family, I am at 3 (including me!), he is at 16. Well, that doesn't mean that I automatically get to invite 13 more friends! We invited family that we wanted, both agreed to cut off at cousins. But then, that creates a problem as his mum is an only child and he has grown up with her cousins as aunts and uncles and their children as cousins, even though they would technically be 2nd and 3rd cousins by blood, they are his cousins as far as he is concerned! So then our plan became invite family that we want, and then split the rest of the places to our friends. But who gets the cross over friends? So, in the end, we both wrote a list of who we wanted, both chopped off an amount that we were over, and we actually don't care if we have half and half. It isn't as if people turn up in certain colours to support the bride and a different colour for the groom - they all just look like guests!

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This ^^^^^^

I understand the point made by other posters of 'is it worth the fall out', but surely that cuts both ways and the wider family should be making an effort not to cause upset? A compromise has been offered and refused, so I would leave it there.

You are right Suzie88 the equal representation argument is nonsense. No one l know has equally amounts of family members on each side!

So, I understand this is back in 2014, but it's now 2024 and my fiancée and I are having this problem. His mother and father want to dictate who we can and cannot invite so that the "family is kept together" and we don't "ruin the family business". I had such a great relationship with his parents and the moment we brought up guest lists, his mother has been done nothing but suck the joy out of planning. Makes me re think getting married. The fact that she can live with herself after we have told her these decisions make us miserable and she said "that's just reality and you have to deal with it" broke my heart. She is totally different to me now and I no longer desire a relationship with her.

View quoted message Hi Brittany! OP here 😊 almost 9 years later and I’m still married to my husband so something must have gone right ha!


I’m sorry you’re going through this, it was a nightmare to deal with at the time and added unnecessary stress to the wedding plans, but hopefully you can work it out.
In the end, we gave my in-laws two spaces for the neighbours (full day invites), on the off-chance that not everyone would be able to attend the wedding. When we did that, the MIL immediately asked for an additional two spaces for her cousin and their husband (apparently they were very close, grew up together….and again, I’d never heard about, or met, them before that point). We stood firm on this however, and said she could either invite the cousin and husband OR the neighbours to the whole day, but not all four of them, as we just didn’t have the space. We reiterated that we had asked them on multiple occasions before booking the venue, and they had always said to invite who WE liked. We said the cousin could come to the evening, but wasn’t getting an invite to the whole day unless she decided the neighbours could just go to the evening instead. The MIL decided to choose the neighbours over the cousin (so couldn’t have been that close!). The cousins got an invite to the evening but declined.
In the end the neighbours came; I’ve never spoken to them before or since the wedding and, as far as I am aware, the in-laws haven’t spoken to them either in the nine years since the wedding! There are no photos of the neighbours at the wedding either as they basically left after the wedding breakfast.
I do now have a close relationship with my in-laws again, but to be honest it took a couple of years to get to that point. They never once spoke to me directly about it all, as with a lot of stuff on their side of the family it all got swept under the carpet as they couldn’t deal with any confrontation from me about it. I would say there were occasionally some snippy little comments made for a good year or so about the cousins not being invited, but that stopped once I made a comment back (I forget exactly what I said, but they never mentioned it again!).
My advice would be to stand firm on what you want to do, especially if you have previously had conversations about the guest list and they haven’t mentioned it up until now. Are they contributing at all? If they are, it can make things a little more difficult but perhaps you can give them a small number of spaces (certainly not the full number they need however). Perhaps a compromise on inviting more to the evening is an option as well?
If however, you are paying for it all, and have limited spaces for close friends and family, then I would stand firm and say the reason you have booked the venue etc is for the limited numbers. It is to celebrate your marriage to their son in front of people you both love, not in front of strangers who you’ll never see again. You could always suggest if it’s that important to them, they can organise (and pay for!) a celebration party at a later date and invite whomever they want to that!