Turning people away after the ceremony

For me personally, there's an etiquette with wedding invites. You either invite someone to the entire thing (ceremony, meal evening), or just to the evening. If you're getting married in a church and people choose to come and watch you get married there then that's their choice and then there's no obligation to invite them to the meal. But if you're actually inviting them to the ceremony then they should join for the meal too, they kind of come part and parcel together. As you're considering having ceremony and meal in the same venue, I just don't see how it wouldn't be awkward to ask people to come to the ceremony but then go home. If i were you, those who you can't afford to invite to the meal should be given an evening only invitation. I think people would be happier with this, than to be asked to come to the ceremony but then not come to the meal.

This is only my opinion and others may feel differently. But as you've already said yourself that it feels wrong and difficult to turn people away, I have to say that I do agree with this. When you're getting married in a civil ceremony venue, it's not really the same as a church where people can just 'drop by.' It's an invitation event and I am sure people will understand this!

I would agree with Georgiebea here. I'm assuming that all your close friends and immediate family are invited to the whole thing so the people who might want to 'drop by' don't fall in to either of those categories?

Yeah, sorry but I agree with the others. A civil ceremony doesn't really work the same way. If you want the type of ceremony where aquaintances can drop in to see you, a church is the best place for it.

With a church you don't have to worry about turning people away - some just go on to the reception venue, and others don't. It's much more uncomfortable when some people are going into somewhere for drinks or whatever, and others have to say congratulations and goodbye.

As a side note, I wouldn't be taking the prettiness of the church into account. You either want to get married in a church (in which case how it looks shouldn't bother you), or you don't, in my opinion.

Hi girls,

Thanks for your input with this.

I've been to weddings before, and quite recently where I've only been invited to the service and evening bit, and that seemed fine for me. I wasn't a super close friend to them, and it felt ok to leave and come back later on.

For us, we are getting married in England (and I am from Ireland), with a lot of my friends and family travelling from various parts of the World, so all of them will be invited to the whole thing.

Where we are getting married is close to where my OH grew up and has lived all his life, so he has a number of friends, and friends of his family who will want to see him get married. So to just invite them to the evening bit would be frowned upon by his family.

It still feels like a difficult decision.

Hi LauraFish,

Yes I know I shouldn't take in to account what the actual building looks like. It isn't about that, it is about what we are doing that matters.

We both attend this church, and I do want a church wedding, and know that if we looked at another prettier church locally, it may not have the same meaning, as we'd have no connection with it.

Maybe I am just being too fussy!

If you regularly attend the church then it seems like it's the right thing to have your wedding there. When I was supposed to get married many years ago (I ended up not getting married then) we were due to have it in a beautiful church that I was christened in. Having had my christening there was the only real connection I had to the church and I wasn't overly bothered about having a church wedding at all but my then fiancé's family were quite religious and his uncle who was a minister was going to perform the ceremony. Fast forward to now and neither of us are religious so we don't see the point in having it in a church at all. For me, it would feel wrong as neither of us attend church.

Quite often I see at a Church, --- seems to be usually close family friends from the street that you grew up (that kind of thing ) they will come to the church to wish the couple well, sometimes they will go into the Church but mostly they tend to stay outside and occasionally I am requested by the bride to get some shots with them before they depart for the reception venue.

The problem with a wedding at the reception venue is that they will have strict numbers for the amount of people inside the room for health and safety/ fire reasons, also if you have a drinks package for say 50 people and then there are an extra 10 coming along just to see you get married what about the extra 10- or unknown number.

So I have seen it often at a Church but very rarely at a venue wedding.

In that case, personally I would have the church wedding. Sounds like you have good connections there so it sounds like the best option in my eyes. We had a 12 noon church wedding, reception was 40ish minutes away, and the day still flowed nicely, so maybe I'm a little biased!

I still agree with the others that it's not really the 'done thing' to have people come to the reception venue, then leave, then come back - I think it's much simpler with a church where it's in a separate location already. But you know your guests and if you feel they'd be fine with it, give it a go

I have been to about 15 weddings, mixture of separate ceremonies and the whole day being in same place, but never have I been "turned away" after the ceremony and told to come back later! I'd be mortified to be told this, when other guests were there for the whole day. Also, how do you plan the day? Get all dolled up for a ceremony then go home and then get dressed again for the evening? I get inviting people evening only but not ceremony and evening only without the middle bit, that's just odd, sorry!!

I agree with others who have said it's an invite to the whole day, meal included, or an evening invite. That's how every wedding I have ever been to has worked.

Its perfectly normal for people to attend a church wedding without an invite as churches are open venues, it maybe the same for humanist weddings on public property... as they are not invited guest they show up through their own choice and do not proceed to the reception (from weddings ive atteneded its usually parents of friends, old neighbors etc... that show up uninvited to show support)

you cant do that in a cival ceremony, they have different rule... cival ceremonies are closed events in private venues so you would need to personally invite people, if you invite them from the start then you MUST host them with the same care and respect as all invited guests to do otherwise is insulting

I can see where you are all coming from! Though I have been to 2 weddings - one this past weekend, where I was there for the whole day, but others were there for the service, then came back later, and people though nothing of it.

Likewise, I went to one last year - went to the service at the church, then attended the evening reception later on and it was fine too.

My issue is that we really can't afford to feed 100 people on our day (60 max), but my MIL to be has various family friends that she wants to invite to the service, and to the evening - so this is part of our problem.

I guess thoughts would be the same if we invited whoever to the service at the church, then had the 60 travel to the other venue after, then the remaining 40 would come to the evening bit - still odd?

I think the opposite to be honest - it seems like most people are saying the problem is that civil ceremonies don't work the same. Churches are open services so it's much easier to have people pop in to see you, it's less of a formal invitation I guess. Everyone we invited to the evening we also told (just said in person or over text, no actual invite) that they were welcome to come to the church too, and told them the details. I don't think there's anything wrong with that

Sorry, still odd! I would be really offended to be told I had to miss half the day. Like I was a B list guest.

I totally get where you are coming from, and I feel quite uncomfortable with it myself. It is more for the benefit of my partner and his mum who wants to invite the World, who has seen him grow up. However, with all those numbers it makes over 100 and we can't afford that, but to close off the service would offend the MIL and upset him that some of his other friends couldn't watch us get married.

Why is planning a wedding to difficult!

I would honestly go with a church service if you want to avoid upsetting people. Then the way you can go about it, is to let your MIL 'invite' her friends / neighbours etc but not giving a formal invitation, just mention it in passing 'oh x and y's church service will be at [time] and [date], you are more than welcome to come to the church and watch the ceremony, it would be lovely to see you.'

This then means that they are not being formally invited, but they are being given the option to come and watch you at the church. Then you can give them an evening invitation to join at the reception later on. I think the issue being raised by most people (including myself) is actually inviting someone to the church but not to the wedding breakfast - it would definitely be seen as rude. But being given the option to attend the church without actually being invited is a lot easier. Essentially they will be evening guests who make a choice as to whether to watch the ceremony, as anyone can go into a church, you don't need to be invited.

If you decide to go for a civil ceremony at the same venue as your reception, then I really really advise against inviting people to the ceremony but not to the wedding breakfast. It just wouldn't work, it would be odd... and as the venue is 30-40 mins away from where I presume most of these old friends / neighbours live, it's a bit mean to leave them hanging around while you all eat, and then they come back for the evening. This exact thing happened to me recently and I was annoyed as hell to be honest!

Your MIL should understand that you can't invite the world and his dog to the wedding breakfast, and I think having the church service and giving these people the option to attend but not being formally invited, is probably your best way to go.

Hope it all works out! x

To put it another way to help you see what we mean its the difference between:

example 1: hosting a house party from 6pm til 10pm and inviting 20 people but then half an hour in kicking 10 of them out telling them to feed themselves then come back an hour later for the final bit of the party after the remaing 10 have eaten the meal you prepared and played all the games

vs.

example 2: mentioning to friendly co-workers that your going to the pub with some old friends for a meal after work at 6pm and that you should all meet up at 8pm for some drinks, then seeing the co-workers there at the pub pre-drinking at 6pm and having a quick polite chat before your offically planned reservations then later meeting back up for the actual planned drinks

example 1 is the height of bad manner and incorrect hosting basically snubbing your guests while example 2 is a perfectly normal casual planning style... if you wouldnt kick people out of your house or refuse to feed them after inviting them then you can not do the same just because the word 'wedding' is thrown around