Unsupportive Bridesmaid

Hi,

Maybe she is feeling humiliated and silly? Some people find it hard to face up to the those people who were there for them and who perhaps always gave their honest opinions. Perhaps she is shutting you out because actually she feels silly for being with this idiot and getting pregnant and does not want people to say "I told you so".

I am in a similar situation with an old friend. We have been friends since 7 years of age, and have always been very close. However since about the age of 24 (Im 31 this year) we have kind of gone our seperate ways in terms of groups of friends BUT usually met up every know and again for a catch up. Still bought birthday & xmas pressies. When I got engaged I didnt ask her to be bridesmaid as I have 2 friends who I am much closer too. Basically she told me she wasnt happy about this and she felt I had been pushing her away for the last year or so. I was totally dumfounded. She completely ignored messages when organising a weekend away for ym 30th, never came to any girly nights i organised and NEVER just popped round. I clearly remember popping to hers with my nephew a few times. We decided to both try and make more effort.

She then got enagaged and whilst having tea at hers she asked me to be her bridesmaid (along with another 5 ). I said yes, but was shocked to be honest. She then told me she was getting married in Cyprus the following year during easter hols. This was when me and H2B had planned to go on our big honeymoon (Im a Teacher) and I just said "we'll have to try and fit it in somehow".

On the way home we discussed this and I admitted to H2B that I really wanted to go on our honeymoon then. He didnt want to spend some of our honeymoon at someones elses wedding with people we dont know so when she came round I , honestly and as politely as I could said I would not be able to go the Cyprus, but as she was having a reception in england too would of course still be her bridesmaid if she wanted me to. Well, she went mad! Called me and H2B selfish (this was in our home) and basically said I was refusing to be her bridesmaid. I wasnt - I had said I could not go to Cyprus as we were going on honeymoon. I ended up getting upset leaving H2B to try and maturely discuss things with her.

After that I tried and tried to make more effort, as we had originally intended to. She igonerd my texts. Then she texted me to say she was pregnant and the wedding was being postponed. I was flabberghasted.!!!! All that drama for nothing.

My RSVP are due on thursday and hers is the only one I am still waiting on. I suppose I am wondering the same as you- I think our long friendship has come to an end which is very sad!

I suppose you should just give her a bit of time, I would imagine if things have gone wrong with her fella she maybe feeling hurt. If it continue send her an email explaining you are worried etc. Dont give up on her too early.

It might be that she's lost the baby or something else has happened and that's why she doesn't feel like talking?

It does not sound like she is being that unsupportive just that she has other things to deal with. As Nursey said she may well have lost the baby or decided to have a termination and is not ready to speak to anyone about it yet. The fact that she did tell you she was pregnant must mean she classes you as a close friend. Give her a bit of time then contact her and aske her how she is feeling.

It sounds like shes going through alot at the moment hun, id give her a little bit of time and then just let her know again that your there for her if she needs you.?

To be honest I don't think she is being unsupportive. I think it sounds like she is going through some stuff that is way more important than your wedding and you should be there for her at the moment, not the other way round.

As nursey and skybright said, she may have lost the baby or decided to terminate the pregnancy. She may be struggling with money and can't afford the flights and doesn't know how to tell you. She may be struggling with her law exam and worrying she may not pass. I think you need to give her time and make it clear you're there for her.

Hi

Thanks for the advice. I think probably I didn't quite articulate it well enough - this is something that has been going on for the past couple years - i.e. she needs to talk about problems with her boyfriend, and then once she's done, she disappears, or she wants to tell me how well she's doing at school, and then she disappears. When my grandmother died last year, I tried to phone her and couldn’t get through, so I emailed her and it took her 6 months to respond to which she didn’t even mention it.

With regard to the flights - despite being nearly broke, I've offered to pay for the flights (which aren't cheap) along with hotels and transfers. The only thing I've mentioned about the wedding to her is that if she does want to come, I need to know soonish as I won't be able to afford last minute flights. As I mentioned before, I was even planning to move the entire wedding and re-book photographers, entertainment etc just to fit it into her schedule. She’s the only one I’m trying to make this work for, and (pre pregnancy thing) – she still implied that is was inconvenient for her.

I guess my main problem is, that I am feeling (and have felt for a long while) that I'm always backing her up, and although this pregnancy situation is harder than past ones, I feel like I've become a bit of a doormat - or just a convenient place to offload her problems on. We are talking about over 8 years of complaining about the SAME guy (who also proposed to her 4 years ago to get a Green card by the way). I don't think she can look beyond her own world anymore.

I really appreciate what everyone has said and as always, it's one of those 'its massively complicated and longwinded' issues, so it’s hard to see all the details. But thanks again for listening. Very much grateful.

That does put things into perspective a bit more. The thing is, a one sided friendship isn't really a friendship.

Only you can decide if your friendship has run its course.

Personally, I would email her telling her that you're there for her if she needs to talk and that you understand that's she's going through a rough time. Say that you would love to have her at your wedding but that you need to know by a certain date if she needs you to book flights.

If she doesn't respond then I would forget about it for the time being and plan for both eventualities. But if she is that uncommunicative up until the wedding then I think you can presume she won't be a bridesmaid as you won't be able to sort dresses etc.

If she says that she can't let you know yet then tell her you understand but unfortunately you won't be able to purchase the flights.

Honestly, i think you're being a bit unreasonable. She's obviously struggling and she probably doesn't want to have to worry about your wedding if she's struggling with a pregnancy (or maybe she's lost the baby) and it sounds like she's studying as well which is incredibly stressful. I know people thing students just mess around but doing exams is hard.

I don't think she's being unsupportive i think she just needs time. Don't push the wedding and if she doesn't ask don't be offended. when its your own wedding it seems like its the centre of the universe. in reality its not and tbh i think your friends problems are far greater than your own right now.

I agree it sounds like she is going through a lot at the moment and you should try to be there for her, but at the same time, I have been in a similar position (with someone who I initially asked to be one of my BMs and subsequently had to ask her to step down) and so I do understand what it's like to be in a one-sided friendship where you feel like you are giving and giving and giving and receiving nothing in return.

I would suggest sending her a message asking her to contact you if she needs anything, otherwise you look forward to seeing her at the wedding, and that if she still feels able to be your bridesmaid, please could she let you know by X date as you would be happy to have her but understand if she has more important things on her mind.

I really feel for you - yes she has got a lot on her plate and stuff which we all understand how awful it must be if she has lost the baby or is not sure what to do with it if the relaitonship is shaky BUT you are also a previously good friend who she is shutting out. There is obviously history to this friendship and I suspect that is why you have got to the place you are now which may seem extreme/heartless to others. Ultimately, there are obviously some things you HAVE to book from a cost point of view that can't wait - dresses etc can wait a bit as the price doesn't change but flights do. Depending on your friendship, could you send her an e-mail being as open as you have been on here and letting her know you are not sure what is going on as you haven't been able to speak to her, you are there for her if needed and that as her friend you just want to know she is ok as you are worried. You could then say something about needing to book X,Y, Z by Nth September and you're really sorry to have to ask if everything in her life is going a bit Pete Tong at the moment and that you're not meaning to push. Make sure it is clear that you really want her involved in your day in some way as you have been such good friends over the years and if she can't make a decision now for whatever reason that is ok she just needs to let you know that and then you can keep a special job for her to do on the day (witness, reading etc) for her to decide about when she is feeling a bit better.

i have learnt during my preparations that my BM's aren't always there for me at the end of the phone in the way I thought they might be. I have realised that although the wedding is in my thoughts 24/7 their lives still carry on and my hen do showed me how much they all care. I know I don't need them to ask me every time about the wedding (even though that would be nice) and that I still need to be a friend to them and support their problems as much as I always have been - if all I talked about was the wedding then I would expect the Bridezilla name to come out from them!

Good luck xx

Hi KittyKat and Kharv

Thanks so much for your advice - I appreciate that you have also looked at it from my side as I feel some others just think I'm being harsh. As I said - its not just about the wedding - its been a few years she's been letting me down - grandmother's death, parent's illness, nearly loosing my fiance and she couldn't ever be bothered to be there for me. So I guess its just the last straw, but I will take your advise and give her a gentle cut off date about the flights and then leave it up to her on what she decides to do.

Thanks again to you both! x