update and thanks - urgent help please - depressed teen [long sorry]

Oh Swampy. I think you have done absolutely everything right and that you can do atm. Does she know about the doctors appointment and is happy to go and talk? 15 is such a tough age, hell teenager years are the hardest of your life I think. At least she has turned to you for help and support.

?

You poor thing (and poor her - she sounds like she's ever so low).

Everything you've done sounds right to me. How about taking a cup of tea up - you don't need to say anything much, but it reminds her that you are there if she wants.

Do you think that there could be a chance that she is getting bullied? I know that when i was doing my exams i was sooo stressed (periods stopped etc) but i would never have done anything to harm myself. It sounds like it was a cry for help but i do think that there might be something she needs to talk about and with the stress of the exams it might be getting too much. I think that what you are doing is the right thing by getting her to see someone.

she knows about the docs - she requested an appointment actually. I told the school what had happened - told her that i told the school she was poorly [sort of white LIE but they need to know the situation but she doesn't need extra pressure]

will take her a cuppa in a minute - good idea KJX - have to go out in a bit to the midwife but fortunately MIL is coming round to sit with the babes so she won't be in the house on her own.

have gone off this being a parent lark ☹️

Oh love, poor her and poor you and your 4 year old.

I remember being her age, feeling the pressure of exams and feeling like no one understood. I used to feel suicidal too. I imagine she is trying to express how she's feeling - she's a conscientious girl, and bright, so she's probably feeling like the weight of the world is on her shoulders and that she mustn't fail at any costs, so she's bucking the expectations on her (as she sees it) and going off the rails a bit.

You're doing the right thing.

I think she probs needs to know that if she mucks her exams up it's not the end of the world as far as you're concerned? I feel sick just thinking about how much pressure I was under from myself at her age. I made myself ill in the end.

I think sometimes just knowing that you have people caring about you is enough (which she'll know by you taking her to the docs) I think it's worth making clear that you're taking her there because you want her to be able to share the burden with someone who understands, rather than because there's anything 'wrong' with her. does that make sense?

Hi ST,

Not sure whether I can help, but my middle daughter (17 years old today) has been depressed and self harming for a couple of years. It took me a long time till I could even get her to the docs and she only agreed to go if she could go on her own, so you may well find that letting your daughter go into see the doc on her own will help as she can moan about anything and know that you wont be able to comment (not saying you would, but I am inclinded to do that!) (and in our case, a lot of her problems are me!). There are excellent teenage therapy facilities available out there, I hope that your doc can get your daughter onto a scheme I know that it has helped in our case. Although it is a long road and not something that neccessarily gets sorted overnight.

Email me if you want to talk, although I am at work so access is sporadic.

Big ? for you.

Can't really add to any advice but it's fab that a) she was able to tell you how she felt and b) that you've acted so promptly and decisively - she knows you're looking after her.

Big hugs for you and your wee ones.

I think exam pressure stinks - I do think this country has got the balance wrong now.

thank you mrs b and pippin.

dunno about the bullying - is possible - she has been like a fish out of water since she moved up a year tbh - has found it hard to make friends cos she is a very 'young' 15 in a lot of ways.

mrs b - i have told her that the exams don't matter at all - her health and happiness come first - have always told her that. Today i told her that they can be retaken if she doesn't want to do them right now - and she can redo them somewhere new if that will help - i just want whats right for her.

Oh poor you, and poor her.

Like MrsB, I was similar as a mid-teenager and so were my friends. I think that you can feel things very deeply at that age, especially if you are bright and perceptive. It's unusual that students take exams early for exactly these sorts of reasons.

I think you're doing everything right. In her shoes, I'd just want love and affection - and to be accepted for who I was, not what I could do / achieve.

Like you said, the exams aren't important at all. You love her and you want to help her feel better about herself. There's nothing wrong with her, as I am sure the doctor will reassure her.

Swamps, if I were a 15 year old, I'd want you as my Mum. I think you're doing a fantastic job ?

Oh Swampy

I have no experience or advice but you are such a lovely person, I know you care desperately for her, and I think she knows that too. I'm sure you are doing the right things.

Is there anything any of us can do to help?

Much love to you ???

me too. you are a great mum and I think Zeb is right, for her to confide in you shows you she trusts you. hopefully this is just a nasty old exam blip and she'll be much better soon.

thnk you for that - i have told her that if she wants to see the doc on her own that is fine - i just want to go with her and wait in the waiting room so she isn't alone for that bit and to be there when she comes out.

i did tell the receptionist why she needed the appointment - otherwise she might have had to wait a few days and i can't be doing with this hanging over me.

thanks zebra too..... am hoping it is exam stress in a way - and if it is that she revises her plans for 5 a'levels on this basis.

gah - am crying now and trying to mop up without victoria noticing <weak smile>

thanks all - it means a lot to me

Your daughter reminds me of me at that age. I had all those feelings of 'life's not worth living', the timid attempt at self-harm, but just like her went and spoke to my mum. I'm guessing she's a pretty bright girl and deep down knows that she'd never do anything 'silly' but is feeling frustrated and angry at the world and needs a release valve. I know you might think this sounds silly but the exams might possibly be helping - for me at least they gave me something to focus on, some direction, but I had to have something else to give me a break. Has she got any hobbies?

Has she actually missed an exam this afternoon? I know it's not high on the agenda at the minute but if you need any advice about the exam side of it let me know (it's what I do for a living)

GCSE English this morning?

I know a lot of 15 year olds would love you as a amum, if i were 16 years younger i would,

To give your D credit she has asked for dr appointment so she knows she isnt right, so you have done something right because a lot of young girls wouldn't even ask there mum to take them to the dr, alot would suffer in silence, so you are doing a wonderful job, she sounds very bright and switched on to be honest, and you are doing everything right, you didnt shout at her, you are trying your best for your children and are doing an amazing job,

it sounds like you have a wonderful bond with al of your children, and it sounds like they know they can come to you with any problem.

just let her know you are there and you love her dearly and i am sure she will open up

? to you and ? to your daughter

and a great big squeeze for your 4 year old who is also worried for her big sister.

x

yeah - gcse english this morning - history this afternoon is what she has missed. think she has english again tomorrow and possibly french...

nope - she doesn't really have hobbies - well she reads and listens to music and is a bit of a sci fi nerd..... oh and does her hair a lot lol. Apart from that not a lot - she is a bit of a loner in many ways - but i was the same at her age [apart from the sci fi and hair obsession] so i haven't been too concerned.

am hoping that she will go in for the rest of her exams...... any idea if we can do anything about the paper this afternoon?

Hi

I haven't read everyone's replies because this is a tough subject for me, but I just want to say that I think that what you have done so far is right. I self harmed from the age of 13-19, and although I haven't cut myself since I can't claim that the urge to has gone away.

It's great that she's going to the doc's with you. I kept it hidden for a long time but when I was 15 I told my mother and she went mad, couldn't deal with it at all, and basically because of that I didn't get the help I needed.

I'm sure the doctor will be able to help. There's a big range of self-harm, and if this is the first time she's done this and has come straight to tell you I think that's a good sign.

Best of luck this afternoon. If I can help in any way/if you have any questions I'm here, but hopefully you'll get it sorted and it won't be a long-term problem like it was for me - she's a very lucky girl to have a mum like you.

Gemma

I did the same when I was that age. ? There are so many things it could be - boys, body image, friends, exam stress, the new baby or a combination of them all. Poor love, I'm sure she will be okay. Is there something you could get her to cheer her up? Some magazines or bath stuff or something? Even though it seems trivial, it might make her feel better and remind her you love her.

gemma - i think she may have self harmed before - nothing too serious but she has scars like claw marks on her one arm and has had them on her knuckles once too.... I asked her about them but she got very defensive and refused to speak to me about it so i have been keeping a cautious eye on her since then but i think there have only been three incidents including today.

just making a cuppa for me and her - will take hers up with a chocolate biscuit - her appetite is generally pretty good which is something [no danger of her starving herself or vomiting after meals thank god]

I still think that it's really positive that she's spoken to you this soon, so take heart in that - she knows she can trust you and that you love her. I really feel for her, I remember it all so well and it was an awful place to be. I don't know what the doctor will advise, whether they'll look at counselling or some kind of programme for teenagers, but in my experience just opening up and talking to someone (supportive) eases a lot of the pressure.

French tomorrow afternoon, English is Thursday afternoon. Just checked the interboard timetable and the only subjects on tomorrow morning at GCSE are Geography and Greek.

As far as her History goes it really does depend which exam board and which specification the school is using. If it's a course that has got several components to it, and she has done all the rest, then there are certain conditions that can lead to a missed exam being estimated from her other marks. Illness is often considered an 'acceptable' condition. I know that this isn't strictly illness but if you can get a note from your GP to say that she was suffering from anxiety/stress/something similar then the school's Exams Officer should be able to put that forward to the board. There're no guarantees but it's something that I do about 5 times every summer and 4 out of 5 generally get accepted. The other alternative is for her to re-sit it next year. Again, depending on the spec, it might have to wait until next June but some GCSEs have sittings in November and March.

Being a teenager is not easy and it's hard being a bright teenager and feeling like a fish out of water. Been there, got the t-shirt. I really do hope that she feels better soon.

Has she got any friends that she could go out with? A game of bowling or trip to an ice-rink could just give her that bit of 'release'. Or how about chatting to a friend on-line if she's not up to going out?

This is probably a silly idea but if she fancies a natter to someone who's been through the same sort of thing then I'd be happy to chat to her on e-mail/msn later (or if she wants to talk about her exams)

Aw Swamps, poor you and poor Elizabeth.

I heard a programme on R4 a couple of days ago with someone from the Samaritans saying that their call rate from under 16s goes up 11% at exam time. And she too said it's not usually the exams per se, but the accumulation of worries and unhappiness with the exams as the final straw. I hope it helps that it seems that neither of you are alone - this thread alone shows that I think.

You've done exactly the right thing. She's very lucky to have you, though I doubt it feels like that to either of you at the moment ☹️

Sounds like you're doing everything right. I would definitely ask for some input from the CAMHS team; there might also be some voluntary organisations that offer specific counselling for teens (there are quite a few in my area; Relateen is one of them).

Big hugs, swamps; she sounds like a sensitive soul but she's very lucky to have you around.

This also reminds me of me - looking back it was hormones/exam pressure and that whole growing up and being accepted thing but at the time I often felt that life wasn't worth living and wanted it all to end. Often when you are depressed you can't see a future for yourself and being a teenager just makes it worse - it's like you are bursting to get out of yourself IYSWIM??

Luckily I also had a supportive Mum like you who would listen to my woes and try to tell me that it was just a small part of my life and that things would get better. She also got me Kalms herbal tablets which I found really helped with the exam stress (you can get them in Boots). I have also found over the years that fresh air, exercise and a healthy diet really helps manage depression.

It sounds to me like you are doing everything right - just being there for your daughter and encouraging her I'm sure will help her get through this xx

Oh, mate. How horrible for you (And E) She's normally such a happy kid. Is there anything i can do?

xxx

Oh you poor love, and poor E.

Sod the exams, they're utterly unimportant at this point.

Do you want to talk about it IRL? I can PM you my phone number if you like.

I think you're doing all the right things. It's excellent that she's confided in you, and hopefully the doctor will be helpful. If she's up and about as usual tomorrow and goes into her exams then follow her lead, if she needs time out then I'm sure that can be managed.

Big ? to both of you.

Oh Swampy

I'm so sorry to hear this - poor E, and poor you xx

It sounds like you've done absolutely the right thing and I hope that you and she get the help and support you need to get to brighter times again.

Much love to you and the gang

xx

I hope it went ok at the doctors ?

Other than that, everything MrsB and Zebra said.

Oh Swampy I'm so sorry to hear that she's been suffering. I hope that the visit to the doctors was productive and helpful. x

I do hopw she got on ok at the dr,

thinking of you and her

x

just bouncing so people can see the update ?

I am so pleased she felt she could come to talk to you about her worries,that shows the bond you have together.

Hope now she has spoken to the doctor she feels a little better.Hope you are feeling ok too.?

It is hard work being the parent of a teenager