Usher Dilemma - Help!

Could you have 2 ushers? That way he is included & made to feel part of the day but also have someone who you can rely on?

I was a flowergirl on my cousins wedding 18 years ago & Ive asked her brother (33) and her son (14) to do the usher dutied on my side. Her son is just a bit young to do it himself but because I was on hers I really wanted to have him on it.

I would personally ask your OH to let your brother be an usher. He doesn't have to help him get ready or anything but it's a title and will make him feel included. Your families will both be yours at the end of the day and it's not like you are asking for your brother to be Best Man or anything!

To include our brothers, we made them both witnesses. I don't have a sister but H2B does and I very happily said she could be a bridesmaid. I did want her anyway, but even if she was 7 years younger than me and we didn't see her etc I would still have asked her if everyone else in the family apart from her had a role in the wedding. Would you have been willing to have his sister as a BM if he had one?

My younger brother is an usher but i have 2 much odler brothers who arnt in the wedding party.....if your OH doenst want him as an usher, what about being a witness and having to sign the register or whatever its called?

We're is a simular dilemma... My OH has 4 brothers, 4 bestmates and then my 2 brothers.. this seem horrendous to me but the only peps he's will to drop are my brothers and i just don't want him too. Like you i'd be worried about my family and were close siblings.. I've hold my OH its up to him but I know he won't drop them as he's scared of my mum (que evil laugh)

I think you should speak to him and ask for your brother to do it or if not could you include him some other way.. ie doing a reading, being a witness etc??

Good luck x

I would ask him.

We're having my brother as one usher and my BIL2B as the other, then my other BIL2B is best man.

I tend to think the bride has the final call on the bridesmaids and the groom the final call on the ushers. Whilst I can appreciate you want your brother to feel involved, if your fiance doesn't feel the same way, I think putting pressure on him to make it happen is wrong.

Your attendants need to be people you love, can rely on and want to share those memories with. It sounds as if your brother isn't this person to your fiance. He should be sharing that time with those who are most important to him.

If you're adamant he should be involved, I'd echo the suggestions that he could be a witness, do a reading or even be one of your attendants.

Your OH has to be comfortable on the day and if having your brother as an usher will upset him then I can't see that happening.

My OH didn't involve his brother at all because as lovely as he is, he is so unreliable so an old school friend was his best man. My sister was my only bridesmaid. We had no ushers at all.

I would maybe have him do a reading if your OH is comfortable with that. If not your brother will need to accept that it is not his day, it is about you and your OH.

Without question.

it wouldnt upset him, my OH doesnt hate my brother and they do actually get on, my OH wants his Best Men and his Ushers to be about his freindships and closeness with them I guess, My brother would be the odd one out in terms of that.

My thoughts exactly.

I just cant bare the thought of leaving out my younger brother, only brother who I love dearly, the reason we dont see much of him is because I live 200 miles away which I thought OH would take into consideration.

I get that but your brother is going to be his family... I mean what do ushers actually do on the day that means you need to be really close to them?! They don't make a speech like the best man does and they don't help you go to the loo etc like bridesmaids do. Your brother barely even has to see your OH on the day if that's how it ends up being. In my opinion ushers aren't like the male equivalent of bridesmaids, who actually accompany the bride etc... ushers are meant to be there to look after the guests, not the groom. The Best Man is there to look after the groom.

Exactly, I've said all this to OH, men think soooo differently to us women, which is why I put this out to you lovely lot.

Maybe try telling him you are worried about the number of guests v. the number of ushers to give them a hand. Really stress the point about needing ushers to help people out and if you have any elderly people/people with mobility problems/younger ones then say you'd like an extra person available to give them a hand, and that person needs to be in a matching suit etc so people know who they are!

Certainly in our case, the ushers are looking after the groom. They were involved in all of the stag do preparations, have played a real part in helping us prepare and have always been on hand to help Mr CB out. They're all spending the night before together and it's a rite of passage for them as a group of friends.

As with Mrs C, I think it ought to be your OH's decision.

Oh yeah, it isn't meant as a trick, more to reinforce needing ushers for the guests not the groom.

I don't see why the other ushers can't help with the stag do, stay the night before etc, and have Claire's brother just on the day as backup for the guests. Because I think ushers are more for the guests, I see it as a joint decision... the guests are both the bride and groom's, after all, and surely there should be ushers from both sides so that there's always one usher who recognises all the guests.

I dont need to think of an excuse to try and encourage OH to have my brother as an Usher, the fact that he is my brother is good enough reason.

Do you have brothers CB? if so are they playing a particluar role in your wedding.

Claire, sorry to be blunt but you've raised this as a dilemma, presumably because your OH doesn't think that simply being your brother is a good enough reason!

Perhaps I misunderstood the point of your post. I thought it was to ask for opinions and advice. I didn't realise it was just for people to agree with you.

Its not even like his best men have helped at all, the stag is meant to be June 10th and nothing has been organised so its not like one best man / usher has been more helpful than the other iykwim.

I do, yes.

My fiance is very good friends with my brother and sees him independently of me. My OH calls him the brother he never had and for this reason, asked him to be an usher. If he hadn't chosen to do that, I'd have asked my brother to do one of our readings.

When my brother was asked, he was very flattered, but said he hadn't expected to be asked as he thought only the groom's longest standing friends would play the part.

Who said it was for people to agree with me?! When did I ever indicate this! I actually stated that putting it to you "lovely" lot was because I would recieve the flip side!

Why not have him do a reading or witness if you want him involved?

How would you feel if your OH were pushing a bridesmaid on you that you didn't want?

My OH has got my brother and his own sister's husband to be ushers - he gets on with them both well and it was easier than having to choose just 2 or 3 out of his large group of friends - the choice for his BM was a no-brainer.

I think it depends on your brother and any other family pressure you're under - our families have let us decide who we want for what, it's our wedding after all, not theirs. If OH didn't really get on with my brother, or feel like he trusted him to do the job then he wouldn't have asked him to be an usher and my brother wouldn't have been offended - boys don't really think stuff through as much as we do, in general.

Everyone will be at the wedding, and just because your brother doesn't have a specific title doesn't make him any less important on the day, and he might be glad to be able to just enjoy his sister's wedding without having to be responsible for anything else - being an usher is just as big a job as being a bridesmaid in my opinion, the bridesmaids only look after one person, the ushers have to look after all the guests and make sure everyone is sat down etc.

I think you and your OH need to discuss whether it's worth any fall out with your family - some families make wedding such hard work!

Best of luck with it

xxx

Sorry if anyone misunderstood my the original post, I just wanted your opinions so that I didnt get on my high horse with my patner insisting that my brother be Usher. Thank you for all your comments they have been greatly recieved and very helpful. Ill keep you posted on the outcome.

This is a very good point. It's like your OH pressuring you into having his sister as a bridesmaid. It's wrong!

Sorry Abi, yes I did and I think it is something certainly to consider

Illi I havnt pressured him into anything we touched up on it it breifely and if you see in my OP I have said to my OH its his call because I dont want him to make any decisions to do somehting he doesnt want to do, as I wouldnt.

Well, in that case, I think it is fine to suggest it to your OH, but putting pressure on him to ask your brother would be wrong as it must be his decision. I'm sure you can relate to that in terms of asking bridesmaids etc.

Thats all I want to do and I would like to put a case forward to my OH as to why i'm suggesting it in the first place thats all. If my OH is totally against my brother being an Usher I certainly wont push it that would be wrong, and if the shoe was on the other fit I wouldnt like it so Ill certainly respect whatever he decides.

Some churches expect 3 ushers as a matter of course, as it helps organise people better...

Failing that, maybe ask him to do a reading? But definitely include him in the list for suit hire/buttonholes though