Ushers! Sensitive issue!

I think you need to be honest, without necessarily being harsh. OH is having his youngest brother as his best man (they're very close) and we're having my brother and OH's good friend as Usher's, as think they would be best suited to it. OH's oldest brother will just have to lump it if he doesn't like it as he's a bit of a pain and quite an awkward person to be around. We'll find him a role in the proceedings nearer the time, maybe ask if he'd like to do a reading or be a witness or something.

I like your idea of giving the younger brother a matching suit so he can be involved, could you possibly think of another way he may be able to get involved, for example would he like to do a reading? Or maybe instead of making him an 'unofficial usher' could you delegate him a specific part of the role that he may be able to cope with without upsetting anyone (I hope that doesn't sound harsh, I dont mean it to!) That way as well if nearer the time his depression etc are bad and he doesn't feel up to the task you can just hand it back over to your 2 usher's with minimal stress and hassle.

Good luck, family issues like this are never easy!

Could you maybe have him do something else so he still feels a part of it? Like even asking him to hand out the orders of service as people are entering or something like that? As you said, he could still wear the suit so he could feel and look a part of it but just be given a really simple responsibility? Or else, if you happen to be having a church wedding you could have him do the offertry or something?

We could only have 1 usher and OH has 2 brothers, so we asked neither of them.

could you ask the younger brother to do a reading? Just a little one if he feels hurt at not being usher?

I think you risk really upsetting the younger brother which may make him more difficult than he already is.

Being an usher is NOT a difficult job lets face it. One of our ushers has downs syndrome and he managed just fine with a little bit of help from the other ushers.

What should he 'freak out' about? As someone else suggested call him an usher, but him in the same suit and get him to hand people the order of service. The other ushers can make sure people will sit where you want them to sit.

In all honesty i think you're over thinking it.

Would leaving him out lead to a family upset? It would be awful if it caused a rift between him and his brother. Could you have him just doing the simpler jobs such as handing out order of service?

I'd either ask him to be an usher but give him jobs like giving order of service out etc or ask him to do a short reading. He might be relieved you don't want him to be an usher!

I would also be mindful that you're not getting married for another 18 months and people can change a lot in that time. It would be a shame to not involve him. His 'yobbish' behaviour might be due to his depression at loosing his friend and having a few planning sessions with his elder two brother might give him a bit of focus.

I completely agree that if you think that it might upset him it might be a good idea to offer him a smaller job and just explain that you only have space for 2 ushers but he can do something else and still wear a matching suit. I was thinking looking after the rings would be an option no one has brought up? No interaction with others but quite important? I'm sure your BM has enough else to worry about anyway, right? Lol x

As this has potential to cause family issues and you sare concerned about his maturity now, I'd say just don't make any decisions for another year on who will be best man/ushers at all. Sorting out suits is one of those things that really can't be done years in advance anyway so why not wait and make a more informed decision nearer the time?

If you do decide to only have one brother involved i the wedding party then certainly do not say why, diplomatically or otherwise, if it is because you think he's a yob or becasue of mental health issues which may not be relevant in two years' time.! Just have one usher from each side of the family and use that as your decision point.

I was really quite saddened to read this post, and I'll say sorry up front but I don't agree with you at all. So he has some issues, it's amazing how people can turnaround when it comes to special occassions etc. Asking him to be an usher could be really good for him. He has issues that he clearly needs help with, not pushing aside while others are clearly favoured over him. All families have problems like this but I think it's quite harsh to push him aside in this way.

My OH's oldest son has ADHD and can be a nightmare and a bit of a yob, but he was the obvious choice for best man. The speech could be interesting, but everyone knows and so will make allowances.But in social situations he can be charming. My son is giving me away and has Aspergers and so struggles in social situations but works hard. If it gets too miuch for him he walks away and he can sometimes come across as rude but it's not intentional. Again, the people that matter understand and make allowances. Pushing either of them out of the wedding and having them just as guests was simply not an option, they would have been devastated to see others picked over them for things. Oh and they will be 19 and 22 respectively on our wedding day.

I think you should reconsider your thought processes and decisions and look to include him. Your BIL2B is 20 now, will be 21/22 when you get married, not a 2 year old.

I can totally understand why you feel it would be best just to have the two ushers but can't help but think this could make the younger brother feel really sad and left out. His older brothers will be in the same suit and having groomsmen photos and he won't be a part of it. If he's struggling with depressions at the moment feeling left out/not good enough could be very detrimental and 18months is an amazing amount of time for so,embody to grown and change.

If it was me I would get him a suit, ask him to be usher and tell everybody he is one. He doesn't have to do any of the important roles, as others have said hand out orders of service or even just be there with your OH as one of 'the boys' for support. Xx

Hi everyone, thank you for the fantastic advice I think looking back when I was writing this post I was very focused on the negative, but need to be positive!

I think we will make him an usher as it gives him something to focus on and look forward to and I think it will look better to have all the brothers as ushers. Plus as you've all said its 18 months away and he may change a lot in this time.

Thank you again xx