Very new step mother - etiquette

Hi Katybride!

first of all, you sound like you are being extremely thoughtful and lovely to everyone! We have a not too dissimilar situation (OH parents are. Divorced and it is not friendly!) I think we have more chance of the spice girls reforming and conducting the ceremony than we do of them sitting anywhere near each other!!

a big part of me feels that you should say "it's our day we want x, y and z" and go for it, but know that it isn't easy when you know people will feel uncomfortable!

have you or could you talk to your mum quite openly? You sound like you've considered all sorts of options so perhaps during a wedding chat over a glass of wine you could bring it up and ask for her honest thoughts? You'll need to be prepared for whatever she might say and if it's not the easiest option for you to accommodate her preference you at least know what her thoughts are and can try to find a compromise.

Weve be opted for a non traditional top table, I've not told my parents yet and I know it'll go down like a lead balloon as they'll want to sit with us, but we have decided that we won't actually be a top table, we will have a round table like everyone else in the centre of all the others, with our friends, we are then putting parents and close family (siblings etc!) on the nearest tables so we can talk to them easily.

regarding the ceremony, this is where talking to your mum will really help I think - she may not worry about the new wife being sat near her and you've been worrying unnecessarily!

Remember though ugh that the fact you are thinking this way proves how lovely you are and I bet when you talk to them all, all three will want you to have a fantastic day - yep it'll be a bit weird for them at times but they've managed with graduations etc so you know they can be civil and they demonstrate that you come first! Xxx

You sound like you've put a lot of thought into how you want it to go and the one thing that really comes across is that you don't want anyone's feelings to be hurt. Which is a lovely way to be thinking of it this.

I think your dad and his new wife should sit together at the ceremony if I'm honest - it's kind of weird making her sit away from him. Maybe they could sit at the end of the row - away from your mum? The best man can maybe help make sure on the day she gets to the right seat? I think sitting her away from the family might make her feel awkward and it might upset your dad. Your idea at dinner sounds perfect.

The only other advice is can you arrange an informal meeting of mum and new wife at some point? Maybe something wedding related with other people (take the whole bridal party for afternoon tea at the venue maybe?) It might help make things easier on both your mum and your dads wife if they've already met.

Try not to stress about it too much. It's one thing you have no control over - they will ultimately feel and behave however they like. You're doing the best you can to accommodate everyone so now it's over to them to behave like adults and enjoy being a part of their daughters big day.

You've obviously thought a lot about this and you're being a very considerate daughter, which I imagine all three of them would appreciate.

I think as long as your stepmother knows other people it's okay to sit her away from your dad during the meal. We are in a similar situation with OH's parents, and his stepmother just said completely out of the blue that she doesn't mind sitting away from his dad, so we're putting her with OH's stepsiblings. It's only for a couple of hours and your stepmum will have other people to chat to. It's also possible that she would prefer not to be on the top table, as she may be worried that people will wonder who she is or something - it puts her on display, which she may not be overly comfortable with.

I think during the ceremony though that she should certainly be given a seat with the family, but I don't know that it needs to be with your dad. Could she sit with your sister or someone like that? As your dad is giving you away he will need to have a seat somewhere convenient, which probably does mean up front somewhere near your mum. Again, at my OH's stepbrother's wedding, his stepmum sat up the front with her ex husband and OH's dad sat a couple of rows back with other family (although slightly different as his stepmum and ex get on well and both have new partners).

Someone above has suggested seeing if your mum and stepmum could be introduced to each other before the wedding, and this sounds like a really good idea. Apart from anything else, if your mum is nervous about the meeting it will likely be in her mind in the run up to the wedding and might affect her enjoyment of it. Your stepmother being there on the day becomes less of a big thing if she has met her already.

Good luck!

Hello!

My parents are not divorced but for what its worth, I could give an outsiders perspective.

Re ceremony, I think sitting your stepmum next to your dad in the reserved seats would work, not the same row as your Mum though. The ceremony is short and people will be focussed on the bride and groom at the front of the room. Hopefully your stepmum and dad will appreciate this gesture and see that your stepmum has been included in the family.

Re top table, I would be Iinclined to go with your original plan of birth parents mixed up, with your stepmum sitting with people she knows on a table close to the top table. Will your sister or any other immediate family be sitting on the top table? It could be argued that your stepmum is the same rank/status as siblings.

I think it would be good to talk to your mum, dad and stepmum individually to see how they really feel, and stating your original plan with reasons for it (pretty much what you have written in your post). Hopefully they ll see how much you have thought of people, but also see it from your point of view and want you and your OH to be happy on your wedding day.

Good luck, I hope it all works out!