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Beginner September 2023 Rheinland-Pfalz

Wedding in Germany this July - Groom's family decided not to come

Christine, 25 of February of 2021 at 11:23 Posted on Planning 0 8
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Hi all, first poster here!
I've been reading all your discussions here and have found it all super helpful when planning.

We're planning to get married in Germany in mid-July. We booked our venue last year when it looked like things will all be better in 2021, boy were we wrong...but whatever.

I'm originally from Germany and my groom is northern English.

We've been super excited to make our fairytale wedding on a castle come true and have been planning and discussing it all with our respective families who seemed just as exited.

Now we've sent out our save the dates and all but the groom's parents have said they will not travel to a "destination wedding" (note, this is my home country and set just outside my hometown, and not some random place in Greece/Spain/Italy that has nothing to do with us as a couple). AND we're now being pressured to have a separate celebration "up North" for the family reluctant to come (like one would have after eloping). My groom is devastated that only his parents might be coming (they've indicated recently they might not as well) and the rest of the family don't think this is important enough to travel for our big day.

I've looked into planning a low-key party for the English family up north, but more guests are being added to this event by the MoG as she also wants to celebrate their wedding anniversary milestone. We thought it would be 25 aunties and cousins and the list is now at 50 to 60 people and the plan of a casual party has evolved to a sit down meal with drinks and disco after, which starting to sound a lot like a wedding reception.

In addition to this all venues that can accommodate these numbers and plans are just as expensive as our wedding budget for our actual wedding in Germany, so I'm feeling really lost about it. I feel like I'm being pressured to have a second wedding, because my actual wedding in Germany is not good enough.

I understand that there are worries that travel to Germany in July might not be allowed (we live in the UK as well), but if we, as the wedding couple, can't travel, the wedding will just be postponed to next year, which is no problem to us.

Maybe I'm too stuck inside this, what are your views on this matter?

How do I console my groom who will likely be left alone in Germany at our wedding without any of his family?

Your thoughts on this are greatly appreciated xx

8 replies

Latest activity by Crees, 11 of November of 2021 at 07:01
  • Happypinkconfetti2338
    Savvy May 2022 West Midlands
    Happypinkconfetti2338 ·
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    That sounds super stressful.
    How is the groom feeling about his family not attending the wedding? If he’s really upset about it, then I think I would try and have some kind of celebration in the UK as well. So I don’t think the idea as a whole is a bad one.
    What I wouldn’t be impressed about is having to invite all of these extra guests. It’s expensive for one thing. With the greatest of respect, if the MoG wants to have a joint party for her anniversary milestone, maybe she should contribute towards the costs? I would be making it clear (in the nicest possible way) that the budget is quite tight - especially when you’re already paying for a wedding in Germany!Good luck with it all!
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  • R
    VIP July 2020 Monmouthshire
    RomanticGreenStationery27135 ·
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    How stressful for you. Do you know if the reluctance to travel is due to Covid or just that they don't like travel abroad? If it's Covid, is there any way you could postpone? Personally, I'd be reluctant to fly anywhere right now, and there is no guarantee that we'll all have been vaccinated by then.

    You & your fiancé need to work out what are the dealbreakers for this wedding - e.g. is he prepared to go ahead without his parents or would he need to postpone in that case. Does he have any close friends who might be prepared to travel to support him? How would he feel about his family joining via zoom?

    Regarding the celebratory party in the UK, it sounds as if MIL is trying to get her own wedding anniversary celebration paid for under the guise of celebrating your wedding! I would suggest either a separate celebration, where you control the number of guests OR a joint celebration where you split costs/guest numbers equally. It seems unfair that you have to pay for their anniversary party on top of your own wedding!

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  • A
    Dedicated July 2022 Co Londonderry
    Ali312 ·
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    I'm in a similar situation to you- the groom is from the UK, we live here too, but the wedding itself is abroad (my home country). Likewise, our wedding is this summer. No-one from the UK has said that they wouldn't come yet, however I imagine some people will be reluctant to travel because of Covid. This is if the wedding can even happen.


    I was going to second what the person above has said- have they explained why they have decided not to go? If it's due to the pandemic I guess that's understandable and you can then decide if they are an integral part of the wedding and postpone if so.
    Otherwise it kind of sounds like they just don't like a 'destination' wedding? If I were you I would refuse to do any kind of celebration separately- I'd have my wedding where I wanted to have it and if people can't come they can't come. They all sound a little bit selfish tbh- I get that maybe distant cousins that you don't have close relationships with might not want to come, but his parents? It's like they're changing what you want, to what they want.
    Sorry, I don't have an answer, but I feel for you! Hope you figure it out!
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  • R
    Beginner May 2021
    RomanticPurpleBridesmaid37365 ·
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    Aww this sounds very stressful.


    I think if people don’t want to travel due to Covid you have to respect that, and I can understand the want to have a celebration in the UK with those who can’t make it. However, I don’t think you should feel pressurised into this being like a second wedding day. If you don’t want a sit down meal and a disco don’t have it. I think renting somewhere and getting a buffet in would be more than reasonable. You could try and make it more special for the guests by doing things like videoing the speeches and playing them at the event, things like that.
    Good luck!
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  • RomanticBrownStationery29719
    Dedicated
    RomanticBrownStationery29719 ·
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    Hi. I am german and my fiance is scottish. We are having a wedding in scotland. For me only close family/friends from.germany will attend. We are supposed to be june but trying to reschedule for August/ September atm as I don't think flying will be allowed. I wanted to get married in the UK as thats where my home is now and my family understands. Parents and brother and very close friends aRe still coming over for it. I won't be having a second celebration in Germany due to the fact that the people closest to me will make the effort to come.... and all the others well their loss tbh. We don't have the budget for 2 events and also the 2nd one wouldn't be a real wedding just a party/ family reunion and I am not willing to spent time or money on that but thats just me. I just feel like the people who really care will make the effort to be there. Dont feel pressured into having another party up north unless you really want to. And if MoG wants an anniversary celebration then I don't see why she can't pay for it.... I sure wouldn't as the way it sounds this celebration wouldn't even be about you guys. Sit down with your partner and have a chat how he feels. If he doesn't care about the 2nd party then just tell MoG that its not happening and you happy come to her anniversary should she have a party but wont hold a second party yourself.
    Just a note: my family said that should covid prohibit all german family from coming to Scotland that they will throw us another party should we want it. They would organise and pay for it so we don't feel like we are missing out.... its not what we plan to do but that was a sweet offer. And if family really care about celebration with you that much then thats what they should consider / do for you = all chip in.
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  • Fab
    Curious September 2021 Surrey
    Fab ·
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    I am Italian and my groom is British and we are doing the wedding here in the UK. Family wise is only my mum and brother (so literally no need to overthink that one, which now seems lucky I know), I do have 10 friends coming from Italy, which I am keeping in the loop. I know friends are not relatives, but my friends mean a lot to me so I am going with “honesty first”. If they cannot make it really close to date for any reason, we’ll livestream the wedding ceremony on Zoom. Unorthodox? Yes. But you gotta learn how to make lemons out of lemonade- not sure if it helps with ideas, but for us for example the groom is not inviting all of his uncles and cousins in the end - maybe only in the evening - because only wants important people there that truly have ben there for him. It can be tough with family politics so I can understand!
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  • L
    Savvy June 2021 Mid Glamorgan
    Lovestoned21 ·
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    I really feel for you!


    I understand if people don't want to travel due to pandemic - it seems like this could be the reason and definitely not to do with them not finding your wedding important enough. I wouldn't hold it against them - I am 31 and healthy and I don't think I'd be too keen on travelling at the moment!
    If your groom is genuinely upset about these family members not attending, like if he's actually close to them and would want them there, then I do think it's a nice idea to do something up north and treat it as a proper wedding celebration, to really make them feel involved. If you don't fancy a sit down meal and having it like a wedding reception, then you need to be honest with your mother in law. I definitely am very blunt but I feel like if you have an idea of what you want in mind and someone who isn't involved (I know they are close family but I personally just see the bride and groom as being the only ones who should be involved in wedding decisions, unless the parents are paying), then say to them 'oh we don't want too much of a fuss and we don't want to be a pain and tag onto your own special celebration, so we are going to have a separate party'.
    It's very stressful when people put in their two cents and start talking about who needs to be invited (I've had to deal with it too). If the mother in law is paying for the party however, just let her invite who she wants to, because it's a free celebration for you at the end of the day.
    Your wedding in Germany sounds amazing! It's going to be so perfect, regardless of who couldn't make it. Your groom won't be upset on the actual wedding day, it's probably just one of those 'Aw I'm gutted they won't be there' kind of feelings.
    Easier said than done, but try not to let it stress you out too much, because planning a wedding during a pandemic is stressful enough as it is!x
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  • Leonie
    Savvy June 2022 Kent
    Leonie ·
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    I'm so sorry that you are having such a stressful time with all this! It sounds like his family are just being difficult. Have you tried telling them you don't want a second party and if they want it they will have to pay for it as you already have your real wedding to pay for?


    Such a shame that they don't want to watch their son/relative get married x
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