Wedding/parents....advice please

Is the main problem that they have very different ideas from yours, or is it more that deep down you still want the overseas wedding? I got married abroad (report in my sig) precisely to avoid all the fuss and nonsense associated with traditional weddings. If you want to do that, then do it. If it's more a case of not wanting the interference, you need to have a chat with your parents about how it may have been like that in their day, but things aren't like that now. Will they contribute unconditionally to the wedding, since if not, you will have to do without their money and either elope, downsize, or save up!

This is very good advice from Barefoot.

What does your OH this about all of this?

The short answer is: you can't have both. You have acknowledged that you can't afford to pay for a big wedding (which is a different entity to the marriage) and your parents are giving you the money to allow this. I think you have to surrender some creative control.

My standard advice here is to put it off a bit and save the money yourselves. Would this be possible?

Having read the OP, I realise how lucky my daughter was. She'd been with her partner 9 years and has two gorgeous children. Having been on here for many years and seen similar posts to this, I was determined she was going to have her wedding the way she wanted with no interference from the family. There were many times where I bit my tongue and said nothing.... it wasn't easy!

My point is... as a parent, you want the best for your daughter. I wonder if the OP's parents realise how their 'helpfulness' is being received? My suggestion is tell them how you feel. I suspect they are blissfully unaware of how you are feeling at the moment.

You need to stand up for yourself or decline their money. Simple

My dad tried to pull this one on me. He's an excellent photographer, as are my brothers, why don't I just get them to do the photos? Well, dad, you're the father of the bride - you're going to be IN the photographs, not taking them! And I want my brothers to be enjoying themselves as guests and working as ushers, not worrying about taking photos.

I think this is one area where you need to put your foot down and get a proper, professional photographer, whose job it will be to get the photos you want, not rely on one of your guests with a nice SLR. The photos are the one tangible thing from your wedding that will remain, long after everything else but memories has gone. Don't risk it because you asked someone to do you a favour.

Hi Mrs M2B

There are parts of your post I could very much have written myself. I'm afraid I'm not sure what the answer is as I am currently in this situation and feeling pretty miserable and unsure of how to proceed. I only recently got engaged (end of may this year) and started planning pretty quickly. I am an obsessive researcher so have been looking at venue after venue.

Unlike you, I want to have a big party with all my friends there so I didn't want to go abroard or elope or have a small wedding. I started off thinking I'd have a very very small budget of just about what we could afford (no kids and haven't been together that long but do have a money sucking house and only my income at the moment). So I started looking at halls and barns, quickly ruled out marquees and other things due to cost. Then my mother offered us a bit of money, and then his parents, and then finally my dad (parents not together). These offers are very kind and generous but I'm starting to realise the strings that come attached. I found a village hall I liked ok, I live in a city so it's about half an hour out of town from me. I wasn't immediatly wowed wowed but it grew on me when I started to imagine what I could do with it. I visited other venues as well, but I find hotels very hotelly and haven't walked in anywhere and gone 'oh wow, this is for me'. I started firming up dates with the hall, going to the registry office, working out logistics and looking at caterers and started to get excited.

Then I took my dad to see the hall. He didn't have a single nice thing to say about it, not a one, picked it apart, as well as saying my guest list would be too big, that it should be about him and my family and my nan. Said it was too far out, shabby, no outside space (hey we live in the Uk, how likely is nice weather going to be!) then we stopped off at the hotel I'd visited and he enthused about it, said it would be so much better blah blah blah. It does have a lovely outside space but it is just so hotelly and all the lovely ideas in my head just went poof. Then my mum said she thought the hotel would be more practical too and now I just feel like I'm back to the drawing board, or I have to pick a place that will be expensive for everyone to be in (standard hotel drings prices rather than us being able to provide some) and not be what I really want.

Anyway, I won't go on any more, I guess I just wanted to say I feel your pain of parental interference

I seem to have become a raging bridezilla am grumpy upset and stressed all the time.

I disagree with this. It is their choice to give a gift of money, it should in no way come with obligations attached. If it does, it should be refused. End of.

To the OP, if your parents are controlling the plans and you can afford to go on holiday and return married and would prefer that, then isn't the obvious answer to do just that? Tell your parents you appreciate they want to help, but that they are driving you nuts and making you resent them and their money. If they want to celebrate with you, then perhaps they can then plan and throw you a party when you return. Ditch the stress of dealing with this whole situation and go elope.

A truly excellent idea.

You need to have a word. Both sets of parents paid towards our day but I made it clear that although we were really grateful they would get NO SAY AT ALL. No exceptions. It was all fine although MIL tried it on once and I put my foot down.

You need to be firmer and have a chat with them about what you want. Tell them you value their opinion but ultimately it is your day and you need to be happy with all decisions.

Failing that turn down the money and elope. Just you and the kids.

The first lesson I learned with wedding planning was compromise! But that was more with my H2B rather than others. My advice would be for you to sit your parents down & very politely but firmly tell them you appreciate their money & their advice/suggestions however, the end decisions will lie with you and H2B. If they aren't happy, then have your wedding abroad. If they are, ensure they are clear on the way forward - i.e. no interferring. My H2B's parents forked out a lot of money for the wine and champagne toast for our wedding but they didn't involve us in it at all - they didn't even ask us whichtype of wine we preferred - their attitude was that, as they were paying, they got the final say. End result was a very expensive wine that was too strong and lots of people were drunk before the dinner even ended! If I had to do it all again, I'd tell them thanks but no thanks!

Your parents probably think they are doing something nice/ helping by suggesting helpful money saving ideas and offering some money towards it.

It's a shame they (as we all do from time to time) have overlooked that what they would want and what you would are different. It's very easy for parents to not ever stop 'helping' their children in this way. I'd say (and have). Thanks but no thanks to my parents.

Work towards what you want. And if you want sometime away without older children. Don't feel guilty to at least ask. As a child my parents took a week a year to be together, it really is a core of their relationship and I loved time with grandparents, aunts and uncles. I realise so many families are not this supportive. but start with godparents, they promised to support you ;-)

From some of your post it's as if you're only going along with the wedding to keep your parents happy which isn't good to start with,
I think straight away what comes to mind is if you want the wedding abroad then you have to do that even if it's what your parents don't want. You can't have the big wedding back home & wedding abroad so as someone suggested (sorry can't remember who) you could save up for the whole thing yourself and pay for it just you two? It doesn't sound like you & your OH are pushing it to rush for a date, more for your parents benefit? So if so you could just save by yourselves.
Although I do believe just because your parents are chipping in it doesn't give them the right to make all the decisions, although you may have to compromise with some things it's still your wedding day and if they choose to help then that's up to them. My mum, dad & gran are kindly helping us out and with every decision are leaving it up to us as it's our big day. My OH & I have also been together 9 years and have a son together, we'll be having the wedding we want, family wedding with some friends and then probably 1-2 nights away in a hotel while my mum will take care of our son.
We just can't manage the big wedding AND honeymoon and will be paying majority of our wedding ourselves so no other options and only fair anyway.
I think you should sit with your OH and prioritise what you really want, the big wedding with family or the wedding abroad with the kids, think about what it is YOU both want and not your parents, and even if its the big family wedding..try and calmy explain to them you appreciate their help & input but need to negotiate with certain things, they can't have the final say in everything no matter how pushy or you'll only end up regretting how you did things and possible spend the day being miserable.

Wow!! Thank you for all your replies!

When I said we can afford to get married abroad but not a wedding here, what I meant was we can't afford the big "do" ie church/reception/after party and all the extra bits in between but we can afford to just have a simple ceremony abroad and tie it in with a holiday. If we're paying ourselves, I'd much rather do this than a registry office in the uk. Nothing wrong with the idea, it's just not for me.

I know my dad would be gutted if we did this though as its kind of a big thing for him to walk me down the aisle etc...hence the compromise, him paying half for us to get married at home. Does this make sense?

I think there will just be ALOT if feet stamping and tears in order to get what I want...not that this is at all how I want to plan my wedding buty if it means getting the wedding I want the so be it!!

Thanks for taking the time to reply & for all advice! I'll keep you all posted on how things pan out

To be honest I'd just go abroad and do whatever you want and then tell your parents if they want to be involved they can put the money towards a simple party. It sounds like far too much hass to me, whatever money they lent you, just return it so you don't feel obligated to them.

That's nice of your dad wanting to give you away and wanting the big wedding for you. and especially nice of them to pay for half of the wedding so it does make sense. If that's the wedding you want then even better, you'll have to explain to them nicely that it still doesn't give them the right to make final decisions etc. Hopefully they've just been getting carried away with things out of excitement, hope it goes to plan

You want it to be your day? IT IS YOUR DAY!!!!

Best thing to do is talk to them. Pick your dream venue, invite who you want to invite, get married asked if you like! And on top of it board that plane to NYC!!!!!

who cares about practical? If people care they'll make the effort and If its what you want that should be good enough. You have to assert yourself and say no. Don't let them rule you and your day.

xxx

I agree with this. If they choose to give you money why does that give them a say? Thats not a gift thats a bribe! My parents are contributing but have not made a single request and if they did i would refuse it if it was something i didnt want. If the money is a gift then surely its yours to do what you want with? Or is it not a gift? more of a payment to ensure THEY get the wedding THEY want?

Id talk to your parents and ask them if the money is a gift or a bribe. If its a gift then respectfully point out that although you are grateful for there contribution and ''advice'' you would like to have what you want for the wedding. If its a bribe then I would decline and either go abroad or wait and save

xxx

We're paying for our wedding ourselves but as their gift my parents are paying for the bits of the day that they see as important and we aren't prepared to spend our budget on. The parents want wine on the tables so they're paying. They want a mini-bus to get the guests (well, my family) to and from their hotel so again they're paying. They think it's poor taste to order a cake simply for display purposes and not to feed the guests with ( we were planning on using it for our buffet the following day) so they're paying for cupcakes. If I show my dad things I like but can't necessarily justify in our budget ... if he likes, he gives me pocket money for them. If he rolls his eyes like I've lost the plot I know I'm paying myself. This is their wedding gift to us and so far they haven't insisted on anything that impacts on my vision of the day. If they did then we would politely decline the offer.