What would you tell friends and family if you could...

To OH's mates.

Please stop looking through my FB friends list and selecting which ones you want to "bone on the night". Half of them aren't coming and if they were, they're not your types, TRUST me!

Hmm there is so much I would say...

I think most importantly though I would say to a certain member of the h2b's family that my uncle is gay... get over it! If you even dare mutter anything about it under your breath at my wedding you are gone lady!!!

And of course I would stress to my guests that as lovely as it is to have your kids running around power sliding on the dancefloor because they are 'just enjoying themselves' I would rather you kept them under wraps and controlled and not under people's feet and if you don't think you can do that, leave them at home.

I'd probably also mention the fact that there isn't a free bar because weddings are expensive enough.

Oh Graceyfly that's really sad!

To my sister:

I know you like to think of yourself as some sort of caped crusader for loners, but just because you're happy to spend the rest of your life in solitary shouldn't mean that you couldn't be just a tiny bit happy for your only sibling. Yes, OH and I have been together a while and have 2 kids, but when I told you we got engaged there was no need to say "Well it's hardly the most surprising news, is it?" and then rant for ten mins about how you "will never understand why anyone would choose to get married, ever."

To my stepmum:

Stop making cats-bum-mouth every time I mention any wedding ideas, or just flat-out refusing to talk about it, saying "we'll talk details nearer the time". I'm not even allowed to ask you YOUR opinions, and that's a bloody first. I'm starting to feel like I've really pissed you and sis off by having the audacity to get engaged, which I so don't get with you as I thought you'd be excited to be a part of it. FMIL has been so interested, even when I'm sure I'm going on about it, and she's got 6 bloody kids! You can't be interested in the only wedding either of your daughters are going to have?! We've not asked you for money or anything, all I was kind of hoping for is a bit of motherly support from the only mother I have. It's completely and utterly *** that my Mum isn't here for maybe the biggest day of my life, and I can't BELIEVE you're picking this moment to not really give a crap.

(Sorry, had to stop for a bit to have a cry, gah)

To dad:

Dad, I love you and it's terribly, terribly sweet, but there is no bloody way I'm getting married in your old boys' golf club, I don't care how good their carvery is. ? But thankyou so much for being the only member of my family that seems remotely interested. x

? Brilliant!! My OH thought this was hilarious!!

Oh I think I will joim in.

To my Sister Just because you asked me to be a bridesmaid at your bessing when your first choice couldnt do it anymore due to being pregnant and due 3 weeks before does not give you an automatic sure thing to be a bridesmaid at mine, I would also like to remind you that a reason that your not bridesmaid is because you that you got married in secret, using MY daughter as a bridesmaid and then phoned me at work to tell me about it, and to go with this telling me I ruined your life when I advised you that leaving your fiance and kids for a 48 year old is not a good idea!!

A few guests I would like to say, the £20 we are asking you to pay gives you unlimited drinks from quarter past 6 till 4am! since most hotels etc charge about £4-£5 per a drink your going to get your moneys worth after at least 4 so please stop moaning about it, it is what we have decided so deal with it.

To my parents, yes we have decided to get married an hour n half away, since you flew to Australia for my cousins and Cyprus for your other daughters friend and driver past the wedding venue to buy beer for a customer that comes into the shop, I honestly didnt think this would be a problem for you!!

To the best man, no I am not texting people for you to invite/ask for money/give them times of the events for OH stag weekend, I am the BRIDE not an usher or even going! Do it yourself you lazy sh*t

To my bridesmaids and OH, you are amazing and I cant wait to share my day with you, if only you guys turn up I will be fine with that!

Most of mine are happy ones (although I haven’t really made much of start planning yet so I’m not being smug, I’m sure my time will come!) Also I know this was probably more of a thread to vent but its nice to share happy things too sometimes – hope you don’t mind.

To my Nan: Thank you for insisting on buying my garter but the one you have chosen is black and red and has ‘Just Married’ in LED lights, I normally love a bit of tack but this is a bit too far and when my mum orders it online like you’ve asked her too it will be ‘out of stock’ (I made up she’s trying – bless her, I just cant bring myself to wear it)

To my Mum: Thank you being so helpful before we have even set a date, thank you for saying “Tell me what you worried about and I’ll do my best to fix it” Thank you sitting with my bridal magazines for hours and sticking hundreds of post-it notes on things you think I’ll like.

To my Dad: Thank you for being pleased for me and liking OH but please don’t embarrass me on the day ? I know you don’t mean any harm but you can be an idiot sometimes.

To the Best man: Thank you for splitting up with your wife; we all dislike her very much and think you deserve better but its never been appropriate to say. It also means I don’t have to try and work out where to put her where she’d will cause as little chaos as possible – like all the other poor brides whose weddings she had to be invited too previously.

To my H2B: We cant invite all your friends, the football and cricket team you play for, every person you’ve ever had contact with through work and random far flung relatives I have never heard of and you struggle to remember how they are even related. It is not a popularity contest and we don’t have enough money. (I would say this to his face, but why burst his bubble – he’ll sit down with a calculator, the cost per head and his proposed guest list and soon enough ?)

Sorry Grace,I don't mean to but lol. I feel like that right now.