Who's paying for the wedding?

I've not really got any experience of this, as we're paying for our wedding in its entirety, & so there's been no money from either side - which is fair enough; we both work & it was our decision to get married & have the wedding we're planning (& actually although we're completely broke now, we've had the day we wanted with no interference & I quite like it that way!

Unfortunately you won't ever change people, & so although it's upsetting you, it's probably best to try not to think too much about it as you don't want to be entering married life annoyed with the in laws! I guess they're within their rights to spend their money as they wish, I know it probably seems unfair when your parents are being so generous, but it's a dangerous road to start travelling down to be feeling resentful of them (I'm sure over the years there'll be plenty of other annoyances!) ?

It's a tricky one. I can see your point but I think these days that most brides & grooms pay for their own weddings. We haven't had any help from any family members. My partners family are really quite wealthy compared to mine but we haven't asked for help and they haven't offered. I think I would feel a bit cheeky asking either set of parents for anything. We've planned what we wanted and could afford. We're only having 30 people and it's costing close to 10k! It could have been done much cheaper if we wanted to though.

Definitely a raised eyebrow for the future in laws there. But you can't tell them what to do with their own money unfortunately. It's very sweet that your parents have sacrificed things such as their holiday to help you out but other people just aren't that way inclined. They shouldn't keep saying "oh we wish we could help" though

To be honest you're probably better off without their help, my future in laws pledged to pay half of the venue costs for us (which is very generous of them) but then started making absurd demands, beating us with the "well I get a say if I'm paying for it" stick.

My fiance politely let them know where they could stick their money -I will not be blackmailed at my own wedding.

They have relented and it is now a gift with no strings attached

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I'm finding it hard not to be resentful of them. Of course I understand it is their money, their choice, etc. but it just doesn't seem right. Especially when they make the comments such as 'wishing they could help', it's a bit of a slap in the face as we know they can.

When we were first approaching the subject of the wedding budget with them, one of their responses "well can't [my] parents give you the money?' So it just seems like they're happy to let my parents provide everything for me and THEIR son because that's how things have been so far.

I'm also surrounded by friends who have their parents paying for the whole wedding or at least giving large donations so it helps knowing that there are plenty of other couples paying for their own too! I just wish I didn't having this niggling feel about them.

Maybe they are thinking the traditional thing should be done of the brides family paying for it all?

Selfish maybe but why should they pay for your wedding? My mum and dad have been kind enough to pay for some things for us but I would never have asked for it and wouldn't have expected it. At the end of the day it's your wedding and they aren't obligated to give you anything towards it, it's their choice.

I would be happy with having 6 people for a registry office and dinner. I didn't realise there would be all these expectations of me. My dad had always said he would pay for a wedding. He wanted me to get married years ago and was thrilled. My partner's family doesn't really care, they have no expectations. My parents have set me a very generous budget and my partner and I will pay for anything over budget. But, they also want much more control.

We're paying for ours mostly, my Mum gave me a small amount of £1000, which we said went towards the band/DJ. While it's tough for us paying for everything, even if she had been able to pay more I imagine she would have been interfering a lot!

My OHs parents haven't given us anything (They did give us a loan to help with some deposists that we paid back), but have ended up costing us a lot! We've put our foot down to some of the stuff they've wanted, but lost the battle on other demands!!

I was fine with them giving us nothing (as I kinda figured it was that they couldn't afford to), until me and my OH were joking around about his sister getting married (we have a bad feeling they might get engaged just before the wedding). He then mentioned that his parents were intending to pay for her wedding pretty much fully??

So yeah, some people really still believe the whole 'brides parents pay' even if the brides parents in fact aren't paying.

Have you asked them to host/pay for the rehearsal dinner? That's traditionally what the grooms parents pay for.

We are paying for what we can, and our families are paying for what they can, they describe it as a "family effort!" So with everyone helping and us doing our bit, we are very lucky and able to have the wedding we want. However we didn't expect any money from either of them, although it was an awkward one and a huge relief when they did offer to help.

however, my parents got married about 35 years ago, when weddings weren't such an industry, and they did balk at th cost of some things (as did my OH and I!) and they took some convincing that weddings are a bit different now, and are generally more expensive. Maybe your OH's parents are of the same school of thought, and dont really know the extent of what it takes to plan a modern wedding?

I can understand it might be frustrating, but it doesn't sound like there's much you can do about it. I would focus on the generosity of your parents and try not to let it bother you. On the plus side, if you're having minimal financial help then you OH's parents can't really complain or interfere too much, and you can have the day exactly as you want it guilt-free!

You got a free deposit and wrangled free things for the wedding including rudely asking for money (never ask, if they want to help they offer - an offer is a nice gesture not something they HAVE to do) and you still want more?

honestly you sound spoilt, their money is their business and your not entitled to a single penny of it and you know they spent a fortune raising your husband (even if he only had basic things its still expensive to raise a child) and now their obligation is over and if they want to use THEIR money to finally live life and have holiday, get their medical proceedures done and buy a new car that their right and you have no right to money for a wedding off them

also families arent tit for tat, your fiance shouldnt be embarrased it doesnt matter what your parents do they dont have to match it or even do anything really the people that should be embarrased is yous for expecting freebies and handouts

as for similar experiance - no we are paying 100% for our wedding like most people as we are adults, same way we pay for our house, our children, our medical bills (that arent covered on the NHS) and our cars... once your old enough to get married your old enough to stop mooching and pay for the ENTIRE thing alone (a legal wedding only cost £120, anything else is unnessacery extras that you just 'want')

also they are not 'expecting' your parents to take care of you and THEIR son... your adults they expect you to take care of yourselves, I agree if you want something ask YOUR own parents but they aren't expecting your parents to carry you they just know it isnt their job too

Sorbet, I think you're being a little harsh. We all know weddings come with lots of different emotions, and none of us know the ins and outs of this particular situation as we aren't in it. There's no point in judging when all the original poster asked for is some advice.

Every situation is different after all!

I never really thought about the traditional thing of the bride's parents paying so I guess that could be how they're thinking?

I was waiting for someone to pull out the 'spoilt' card. Sorbet, I don't think you've quite understood the situation. We're a young couple who have help to get started in life. My parents' choice to gift us money for our house deposit and contribute to some wedding things is their choice and I would never expect anything off them, so saying we have 'wrangled' things is not quite right.

Anyway, back on topic, I guess as a wedding is a FAMILY event (this is how I see it anyway) and his parents are wanting to be very involved in it, I thought they would contribute more, espeically as they can and know how much their help would be appreciated. But alas, clearly not everyone has the same view on things.

May I pose a question!?

Are you old enough to choose to get married?

If the answer is yes, sorry but pay for your own wedding!! Their money their choices, why should they pay for your wedding?

But you said yous DID ask you 'came straight out and asked' for the money and then after you rudely asked backing them into a corner and nagged (you said they kept being vauge which means you must of kept asking even though vauge is obviously a 'no', you refused to take an obvious hint and just kept whining) they agreed to pay for suits... thats most definately shamelessly wrangling

I understand perfectly and many of us are also young couples and families so not sure what thats suppose to mean, we still dont expect life on a silver platter paid for by others, you (and your fiance) got 18 years paid for as the start of your life thats over now, it no longer the start but your fully grown adults.

the issue is not if your family OFFERED to help (personally if my family didnt have money like you say your dont and struggle having to cut back on their life like enhoying holidays after 18 years of cutting back to raise me then I wouldnt accept it) but its about your stuck up attitude of EXPECTING others to have to pay for what YOU want (not even help with things you need, just your expensive taste in unnessacery add ons)

I think Romanticbrowncakes683 said it more efficantly than me

My fiance asked them striaght out what they were going to contribute AFTER they were being vague about it, there was no question if they were or weren't, they said they would help with the wedding and he merely asked for clairty on what that actually meant (excuse me for wanting to be able to budget!).

I'm sorry that you clearly have your own issues around this and some sort of resentment for people who live a more privileged life than your own. As you have a very different family life than mine I'm not sure how your experience is in anyway similar or helpful?

Just to clarify, I'm not asking anyone to pay entirely for my own wedding, we are paying the majority of the costs ourselves, the issue is that I thought his parents would have wanted to contribute more than what they have.

Thanks for other responses, clearly touched a nerve with some!

Clearly touched a nerve? lol

your the one getting offended about the fact your being told your attitude is wrong and your expectations dont match everyone else heres (its called a reality check)

for the record I have a good life and do so without mooching, I certainly dont feel 'less privalaged' than you and I highly doubt you are 'more privalaged' than me but with your head in the clouds and your spoilt attitude im not suprised you wrongly feel your life is 'better' than people you dont even know anything about lol

you really need to come back down to planet earth

Sounds like you are privileged enough to not have to ask for help for major life events. Now it seems that you feel it's rude to ask for money, even from family who have repeatedly offered to help, but have not followed through (From family who seem to have cash available for other expenses). I understand money is a fraught subject with family and that some people would rather avoid talking about it that ask outright if they will be making a contribution.

Anyway, back on topic. My OHs family have ended up costing us quite a bit of money and have been kinda judgemental with decisions we've made. ie we're paying for his mum to have hair/makeup (my own mum isn't - my FMIL in law kinda just invited herself), we've bought fancy accessories for my brother/FFIL as FFIL kept nagging about wanting them, FMIL didn't like my bespoke very expensive veil and was trying to convince me to get another one. It came to a bit of a head when his FFIL refused to wear/didn't like any of the suit options I picked (I literally said 'try this one on at Debs' and he tried on everyone but the one I wanted). Getting suits was already tricky as my brother is in another country (rest of the grooms party is in uniform). We were looking at buying suits (rather than hire) and again every cheaper option got rejected and we were looking at £600 for two suits. So we have a call and I said that we couldn't make the budget work, if the suits mean a lot then he'd need to pay for his own, and instead he chose to wear another suit he owns.

I understand as his family don't have much money, but for how demanding/judgey they've been it would have been nice to have a contribution!!

Sorbet, I was merely trying to explain that you had misconstrued my original post. My fiance and I in no way 'backed them into a corner' and demanded money from them. They had offered some vague form of help and we wanted clairty on this. I agree that my expecatations may not match everyone's, hence looking for advice and other people's experiences, but to call me spoilt etc. and to say I've mooched off people is not only unhelpful but is incorrect.

Back on topic (again), Bacchant, thanks for your post. MY FMIL has also made comments on things too, which had me thinking that if they really wanted so much of a say in things maybe they should contributed more... I've always tried to involve them both in most aspects of planning (food, venue, music, suits, favours, guestlist, etc.) but perhaps I should have kept them out of it.

Your wedding you pay for it. Our parents have spent enough on us over the years growing up without having to pay for our weddings too (which are OUR choice to do) I think it's fundamentally wrong to expect any parents to stump up their hard earned cash on OUR weddings. They might need that money one day if they ever fall ill and can't work. I know it's their choice what to do with their money but we should never ever expect it. I wouldn't and couldn't accept money from either of our parents as it's their money and they haven't worked hard all their life just to give it to us for our wedding. if you can't afford to have a wedding without someone helping you out then don't do it.

Just a side note, but Lots of replies here making me feel very guilty for accepting help from families ?? My parents wanted to give us a certain amount, and we are so grateful. I even offered to keep paying them back after the wedding which they refused! So we are doing as much as we can but we couldn't do it without them.

Money is always such an awkward thing! I can agree that it might be awkward if a family member offered help but then didn't mention it again or clarify. And as we know, weddings don't come cheap!

No, weddings don't come cheap so we either work hard and save up for it or don't do it.

Absolutely! Totally agree, my partner and I have worked hard to pay for as much as we physically can, with the generous help of our lovely families! All whilst sustaining three jobs each and living costs in London. All before we even think about buying a house - seems impossible sometimes! But all hopefully worth it for the best day ever! X

We've done it all the other way round. Got our house and having a small intimate wedding because neither of us or our families are really into weddings. Plus there's more important things to spend the money on :-)

ah lovely, each to their own! I sometimes think maybe we should have done it that way round, the sensible way! Not gonna lie, it stresses me out the thought of buying, and now I know we're gonna be a step back with that side of things because of the wedding. But OH proposed and that was that! When is your wedding?

Also, my grandma was sooooo keen for us to get married soonish because in her words "I want to be here when it happens!" She's blunt if nothing else! Hence why our families were keen for it to happen and to help us out. We had to pretend to her that we didn't already live together though ? She would have had a fit!

Aww bless your wee granny!

Ah bless her indeed! She's v elderly but fingers crossed she'll make it! My grandad however will be in his element, he's a teenager in an 88 year old's body!

So this thread has gone off on a tangent?

Why are people attacking other people? If it's your belief that family contributions are wrong that's fair enough, but some people feel a bit of help makes the day more special because their family (the people most special to them) helped make their dream day happen. -whether they asked for that help or not.

Each to their own, you can say "you should pay for your own wedding" as an opinion, a day that's fine, it's a perfectly valid opinion, but attacking the bride who asked for advice isn't helpful. Assuming personal circumstances and name calling isn't what the forums are about.

As for those with demanding families, stand up for yourself! It's your day.

Naturally a couple of allowances/compromises need to be made for anyone that's making a contribution of some sort, but don't let people twist your dream day up into something that isn't yours anymore.

We straight up told the FFIL that we didn't want his money if he was going to blackmail us with it. A contribution that he offered and refused our refusal of by the way.

Absolutely shouldn't be feeling guilty. The point is they offered and followed through, so they was happy and you was quite clearly so grateful to offer paying it back.

Thing is, its so easy to say 'let me know if you need any help' or 'we will help where we can' and they are empty promises,

At the risk of getting lynched - I don't think you were out of order to ask the parents what they were doing. When you get married there's always an expectation that both sets of parents *might* want to contribute something and you're better to give them the chance right from the start. Otherwise there's a risk your plans get firmed up quickly and they don't have a chance to contribute.

We didn't as as my in-laws as my OH assumed they wouldn't be able to afford it and didn't want to make them feel awkward about it. A few months down the line it comes out they would have at least liked to have been asked.

Whereas my parents had always told my sister and I that they had saved to give us both either a house deposit or a wedding when the time came. We bought our house last year so my parents have paid for a huge chunk of our wedding. It didn't change much other than meaning we're getting married a bit quicker than we would have otherwise. I know I'm lucky to have this and it comes from parents who are super sensible with their money and know what a big relief having that money would be to their children. And, before someone yells at me, they've not changed their lifestyle to do it either. They've had this money sitting for years so they're still buying cars, going on holidays and doing up their house. They're just the type of people who've always saved so they could enjoy being generous in their (not) old age.

I think it's weird your in-laws saying 'oh I wish we could help' but your OH shouldn't feel awkward about it. He's not responsible for what his parents say. The situation is what it is and if your parents are happy with what they're doing and you guys are able to afford the rest of the wedding just smile politely when they bring up the money and move the conversation on.

Thanks for your post DreamsComeTrue. You've said "there's always an expectation that both sets of parents *might* want to contribute something" but apparantly that's a completely out of order thing to expect... ?

Your experience and advice helps. I'm one of five siblings and my parents will always try and help with big life events in all our lives, university, buying our first house, weddings, etc. so having been brought up with parents who always put their children before themselves, I've struggled a little with how others' parents don't see things like this and can come across as a little selfish.

But, i'm not going to let my parents' generosity be overshadowed by other people's selfishness and just enjoy the planning and the day

Money's always a divisive topic on here so don't read too much into it.

You've vented and it's been heard. Focus on the fun stuff and try not to focus on the stuff you can't control x

Just on a side note DreamsComeTrue, I was looking at your wedding coutndown, is your date 1st July?