Why are weddings so patriarchal?

What examples are you thinking of particularly?

I think weddings are a lot less patriarchal than they used to be.

And with some of the traditions, if a bride chooses them because she wants them (as opposed to having them imposed on her by her father or bridegroom because she has no choice), I suppose you could argue that they are no longer a sign of the patriarchy.

I suspect many couples go back to tradition on their wedding day because they like the sense of history (having things the same as their parents had at their weddings) or to keep the peace (and interestingly, in my experience, the ones who tend to be most against the couple breaking with tradition tend to be the older women in the family).

I agree with the commenter above - I don’t think it’s really patriarchal anymore but I think there’s a lot of traditions that people choose to continue for other personal reasons. Interested to hear what you think is patriarchal in weddings nowadays.

I have to agree that they're patriarchal, but so long as things are your choice, it shouldn't matter if you choose to stick with tradition.

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What aspects of a modern wedding do you think are patriarchal?

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Being given away by your dad, the boy-girl boy-girl table arrangements, the garter toss, the white dress representing virginity, the veil, the stag do... even the role of a best man used to be to make sure the bride didn't run off if she was being forced to be married.

The history is horrible, but the modern interpretations can be perfectly fine so long as they're your personal choice.

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I had no idea that was the original role of the best man! What was he like "bride guard"?!

I personally love the idea of being "given away" by my dad. Not as a property thing, but because my dad has always been my favourite person, my protector, my emergency contact, my best friend, etc... and I think it's quite a big deal to decide that someone else is going to take on that role in me choosing them as my husband, so it feels like a nice nod to that and my dad giving them his blessing to do so. It feels like the dad traditions are very appropriate to me personally as a result.

The stag 'last night of freedom' thing always bugged me, but I'm fortunate to have a FH who doesn't want a traditional stag and would rather go do some form of extreme sport with his mates.

Our tables are actually mostly going to be boy-boy-girl-girl (trying to put people next to friends as well as other halves) but some are more male heavy as we simply have more male guests. Personally not going for a veil or a garter, didn't love the look of a veil and the garter toss idea kinda creeped me out!

View quoted message Yeah, there are some v questionable aspects of it all, but I think pretty much any traditions have weird roots sometimes.


I also can't stand the stag do stuff - it seems insane that it's still a thing, really. Though I always feel it's more for the others there than it is for the groom, a lot of the time. We're doing a joint stag/hen and using it as an excuse to get friends together to go on rollercoasters, which I am very happy with

I agree, I'm having my dad "give me away", although I don't like the term - but for much the same reasons as you, and partly because I know it's important to him. I don't think he wants to do it in a patriarchal way particularly, but I know he'd be upset if I skipped it altogether.
On the other hand, to balance that out I'm getting my mum involved, as we're having a handfasting ceremony and I want her to be the family representative that presents the celebrant with the handfasting cord. I'm close to both of my parents, so that felt like a nice way to have everyone equal.

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It's years since I've seen anyone 'given away' at a wedding - most weddings I've been at, the bride has walked up the aisle with someone, but that's been for support during a nervous moment - and these days, it's just as likely to be the bride's mother or close friend as her father that has the job.

Again, most weddings I've been to, it's not necessarily boy-girl seating, although there is usually a fairly even mix of men & women on each table. But I think that is due to the fact that most of the couples are in same-sex relationships, so unless you're going to split a couple up it's inevitable.

Garter toss is an American thing, I think - I've never been to a UK wedding that has had one, and to be honest, I think it's creepy and highly inappropriate, especially if you've got kids present. Try explaining that to a six-year-old "Yes, darling, the man is crawling under the lady's skirt and removing one of her items of clothing." And the veil thing has always struck me as weird, although if that's what you want, then go for it.

The only 'patriarchal' thing that still seems to be very common at weddings is the white dress, closely followed by the veil.

White wedding dresses come from Queen Victoria’s wedding dress which was designed to show off British lace - nothing to do with virginity. Never seen a garter toss in this country either, and agree they are vulgar.

I am getting my dad to give me away and actually most weddings I’ve been to have had the father giving the bride away. I won’t be doing a veil or garter toss as I find them both a bit creepy. And agree that the garter toss is an American thing. I think they also started the whole groomsmen thing which can get way over the top in my opinion . My OH is not having a best man or anyone!
My dress is ivory tea length and I’m wearing a blue petticoat underneath. So not exactly traditional.
I think some elements of the tradition are nice especially if you have a lot of older guests but a lot of them are not necessary. I think it’s great that we can now pick and choose and that there is so much choice when getting married. We are not getting married in church either as I have no faith so thought it was hypocritical. Luckily my FH was in agreement. I thought my mum might complain as she is a bit religious and my sister got married in church but she has been fine about it. As people say “You do you”! It’s peoples choice which is a great choice thing!

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White did become popularised as a wedding choice by Queen Victoria, but it already had connotations of purity & virginity at that point since it was a colour worn by unmarried girls, not by married women. This did later transmute into 'only virgins can wear white'. I remember as a child hearing older women complain that 'it wasn't appropriate for the bride to wear white when she already has a child' or 'as a widow, you'd think she'd know better than to wear ivory to her wedding'!!! But now it's just gone back to being another colour with no particular connotations.

My husband asked my dad if he could marry me the day after we went shopping for an engagement ring. If my sisters husband hadn’t asked and my dad hadn’t been so pleased he did we wouldn’t have bothered. My husband respects my dad though and they go to the football every weekend together. My dad welcomed my husband into his group of football pals so husband thought it was only fair to do my dad the honour of asking.


My dad walked me down the aisle but he has always done so much for me and now I’m married for us. He even gave us £20,000 for the wedding and let us have the day we wanted without any input from him or my mum unless we asked. I did have a veil but only because there was such a palaver with my dress. Despite ordering it in the May of 2018 in May 2019 I still had no dress three weeks before my wedding. The shop had their in-house seamstress come in and two weeks before the wedding I got a different dress from them which the seamstress fitted that day, they didn’t ask for any more money for the dress, paid for the alterations themselves and threw in the veil for free by way of an apology so it seemed a shame not to use it.
I didn’t throw my bouquet but instead the day after the wedding we went to the cemetery and put it on my father in law’s grave. My husbands stag do was a day at the races with his mates, the guys from the football, my dad and his stepdad.

There are patriarchal elements to weddings and women were and still are sold off to husbands with a dowry. I also hate parts of weddings where women vow to ‘obey’ their husband, are given away by their father and all speeches are done by men. However, registrars don’t tend to use the ‘obey’ wording now, I’m walking down the aisle alone and we are having a mix of speeches.

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In over 1000 weddings I have never seen a garter toss.

The "obey" has been removed from wedding vows for years - in civil as well as Church weddings.

Also there is no giving away mentioned in the service - the vicar/ registrar asks "who brings this woman" The phrase "giving away" is mainly used by others in conversation. Its a lazy way of asking "who is walking you down the isle" - which is all they are doing, no one is giving anyone away.

Yes If every element of a wedding was examined with a historical microscope you probably wouldn't even get married !

90% of my brides that have a veil never use it over their face and no one ever uses it over their face in a civil ceremony.

I have seen loads of speeches done by brides and Mums there is no rule that says they cant.

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I don't mind if all the speeches are done by men, because that might just be that none of the women wanted to make one (we didn't have any speeches apart from my OH thanking everyone for coming and supporting us. But that wasn't patriarchal - I hate saying anything in public and found my vows hard enough, without having to do a speech on top of it, especially as OH is used to public speaking and didn't mind) But it does bug me when there are toasts and the best man replies 'on behalf of' the bridesmaids - I'm sure they are perfectly capable of replying by themselves! But I haven't seen that done at a wedding for maybe 20 years. Likewise with the 'obey' phrase in the wedding vows. Although, bizarrely, when we were setting up the church for our wedding the next day, the minister whose church it was did try to convince my OH to insist on having me say 'obey' which I thought was really weird. Fortunately, he wasn't the guy marrying us, and both my OH and the minister marrying us roared with laughter at the idea!

If you Google the reason for a garter. It actually goes back to the vikings, as at the end of the night they use to rip the dress off the bride for her to go and sleep with her new husband.

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That's so interesting about the lace! Feel especially pleased I've gone with a lacey dress now - that's a nice bit of history!

I think the fact that we all have a choice is a sign that they aren't. It is absolutely your choice how you want to do it. My dad is walking me down the aisle, but honestly I don't see it as anything other than a nice moment for me and dad, someone to support me while I'm nervous. Neither me, my dad, my fiancé or anyone at the wedding sees this as my dad demonstrating that he owns me and is handing me over like a possession to my fiancé, because they are sensible, normal people.
In a world where I'm desperately trying to get through the glass ceiling in my profession, the fact that I am choosing to allow my dad to give me away and allow the men to do their speeches I see as a sign of my power and strength, not of me selling out to the patriarchy.