Would it be awkward to have an 'unofficial' bridesmaid?

I don't think it would be awkward. But, why not just have one bridesmaid - your friend? You'll need someone to witness the signing anyways. She doesn't have to get dressed up in an official 'bridesmaid' dress. You can just ask her to wear something colorful and nice? I'm sure she'll have something in her closet. And if you explain to her that her participation doesn't need to be fussy, I'm sure it'll be fine. If you're worried about fuss from OH's side, I don't think much of one can be kicked up if you're just having your friend stand up for you.

If I was in your situation I would have my friend as a bridesmaid and not ask the person on OH's side. I never got that 'obligation' thing with bridesmaids from the husband's family. If you're close to them and want to ask them, great. But otherwise I just don't understand it.

If you can't do that though, I would make your friend one of your witnesses. She will have a specific role so no one will think she looks out of place. That way she can sort your dress etc. We had a civil ceremony and didn't sit down once so the dress would only need sorting once in that situation. Not sure if that's across the board though.

Hi, I am having 5 bridesmaids but there is one friend who has known us from the beginning as a couple but I'm not having as an official bridesmaid but want her involved. So what I'm doing is giving her a button hole and having her be my witness and sign the register for me.

I didn't have any bridesmaids, but one of my grown up daughters did the "duties" if you like - she helped with the dress (not that it needed much) and was there to chat to as I got ready.

It really seemed to work for me, and I liked not having BMs - no one else to think about on the day! My view is that they are not compulsory, and knowing some of the pickles other people have got into with family loyalties etc, I think you'd be fine with your friend supporting you.

It sounds you like you want all of the advantages of a bridesmaid without having to give anything in return ? I actually think this is quite cheeky, but you know how your friendship works so it's your call. In your shoes, I'd ask her officially. And I agree with Kharv - there is no-one you should feel obliged to ask.

I was my sister's 'unofficial bridesmaid', but all I did was hold her bouquet during the ceremony and help set up the venue beforehand. Not awkward at all, and I was happy to help!

i agree that sometimes for the sake of avoiding an argument it can be best to not have bridesmaids if you'd feel obligated to have someone you're not keen on.

I have been un-official bridesmaid twice, and it worked really well. One had her sister as she felt she 'had' to, but wanted me onboard to help with crafty things and organising on the day. I was happy to do that, I got to be a guest, wear my 'own' outfit, but still able to be with my friend the night before the wedding (bridesmaid wasn't) and there on the morning to help her get ready. I got thanked in speeches and present etc.

Second time my friend only had her daughter as flower girl, I was a witness and my other friend did a reading. We helped her get ready etc, organised hen party and all other jobs. Again got thanked and present as a bridesmaid would.

On both occassions I was delighted to be asked, and happy to fulfil that role.

I don't get the 'un-official' thing. The definition of bridesmaid is a girl or woman who helps the bride. So either she's a bridesmaid and she helps you, or you fend for yourself and she isn't a bridesmaid.

You can still have one bridesmaid, she can choose her own dress and maybe give her a simple corsage to wear on her wrist. She doesn't have to follow you down the aisle. I would say however that whether you choose to call her a bridesmaid or not I would still be thinking about buying her a thank you gift if you're going to be using her all day as a skirt ruffler and toilet escorter.

I don't think it would be awkward as such. A lot of people get married without bridesmaids or ushers etc but I agree with the others that have said it would be nice to officially thank her even if her role was "unofficial"

Tbh, in this situation, I don't think it would hurt to have her be a proper bridesmaid. If you've only got one, and she's a friend rather than family, then there's hardly an obligation on you to have any random family members or in-laws.

If you don't want to do that though, you could just have her as a witness/do a reading and have her help out at various points.

I have been a sort-of unofficial BM for my BiL's wedding - OH was best man and as the bride's family all lived abroad, MiL and I helped out with a fair few bits of the girly planning. Her sister was the "proper" BM on the day and did all the stuff with the dress etc, but I was asked to have a dress which went with the colour scheme, was in all the bridal party photos, sat at top table and generally helped out through the day. I've still never been a "real" bridesmaid. ☹️

I agree with this entirely.

Will she also organise your hen night? Will you get her a gift? I ask as my sister was an 'unofficial bridesmaid' last year and had all the stress of organising the hen as well as on-the-day duties but no official recognition/thank you. I don't think she was best pleased really.

Thanks for all the views, I appreciate it. I do take the point about it seeming that I want to have my cake and eat it! She would certainly be appropriately thanked etc, and I don't think she'd be particularly keen to wear a proper BM dess etc anyway. And I don't think I'd be asking her to eg organise a hen event etc.

The 'semi official' route with eg a nice dress and corsage, but not walking down the aisle, might be worth thinking about more. We'll be having a church service, with a time of worship etc, and so I'm not quite sure how much I'll be moving around during the service and needing help with the train etc. For the OMs, how much did your bridesmaid rearrange your train during the service, or did you just let it get messy?!

I didn't know/hadn't thought about witnesses - that's a good point... So much to arrange!

A PS to my post - I asked my daughter if she wanted to be a BM and she declined, so an "unofficial" one was fine.

Horses for courses!

My Mum did it once, to some laughter as she joked that she knew she wouldn't be able to leave it alone. My bridesmaids didn't do anything to it at any point during the day.

Never.

No matter what your close friends will always be there to help you with anything, but if you want them to be there for you 24/7 and basically be ''the bridal slaves'' as I call it lol then you would at least have to give them an official role I think. It is not necessarily expensive to get bridesmaids dresses....maybe you could ask your friends to contribute towards their dresses? Also you don't ''have to'' ask someone to be your bridesmaid if you dont want them to.....My OH has 2 sisters, who I really get on and hang out with etc but I haven't asked them to be my bridesmaids and I am not going to either. I get on really well with them but they will never be as close to me as my best friends that I have grown up with. I have my 2 sisters and my 2 best friends as bridesmaids. They are the most important people for me and I need them there. So don't feel like you have to ask someone to be your bridesmaid just because they are the groom's sister or anything like that! Do what makes you feel comfortable. And if your problem is cost then I am sure your friends will understand! My friends (the ones that are bridesmaids) are contributin towards the wedding a bit as a wedding gift! I didn't even ask them to! I bought them their dresses and accessories and shoes etc which cost me £300 in total for all 4 of them only and they started making decisions on helping me! Just like that! lol My friend Nina has booked and paid for my nails and make up as a gift and Lidia is paying a bit towards the florist! I was well shocked but greatful at the same time! They do know we haven't really got much money though and they probably felt obliged to do something like this because I spent money for them! Discuss with them and make them aware of the financial situation! You could be surprised lol, but then again it is common for brides to ask their bridesmaids to contribute or even completely pay for their dresses and shoes! Good luck! When is the wedding?

This.

It would have completely spoiled the atmosphere to have someone faffing with my clothing during our service!

Mine made sure it was straight before we went in to the civil ceremony, then carried it when we crossed the road to the chapel and made sure it was laid down nicely out of the way of the receiving line and not in any flowerbeds etc. They then straightened it again before we went into chapel. I think one of them may have done something before I got up after the final prayer but I don't remember for sure.

If it's set straight at the start of the service, it's not really going to go that wonky just walking up to the front. And after that you won't really care if it's not perfectly symmetrical.

My partner and I aren't having any bridesmaids or page boys, it's an expense we don't want/can't afford. My fiance is having a best man and he will also be his witness, I have asked my friend to be my maid of honor/witness as well. She was so chuffed to be asked, she's bought a new outfit and it the colour scheme we've ch osen, bless her. Go with what feels right for you.

If you don't want a BM then don't have one. Could your mum help sort your dress out before you walk down the aisle? I am not having a BM and I know my mum will be on hand to do the things BMs usually do. I doubt my bridesman will be much use at things like dresses or trains!

I'm not having any BMs. I'll be nearly 40 when we get married and I'll feel silly with 3 grown women in matching dresses following me down the aisle.

I asked my sister how she felt about being/not being a BM, and she simply said "I'll do whatever you want me to". I told my friends I wasn't going to have any BMs, and they said they still want to help me with the wedding if I need them.

I'm arranging my own hen, so I think it's just straightening my train and handing me tissues on the day that I'll need them for. I'll make sure they're acknowledged in the speeches.

I will have to muse on this a bit more and come to a decision! Thanks so much to all of you who have taken the time to share your thoughts and ideas. I really appreciate having somewhere to share all this stuff!