WWYD about my pageboy

Ok had to have a think about this before replying!

My guess is that the little boy was totally unaware that he had a role to play but his parents sound like they may have now told him (my brother and his sad excuse for a woman are like this. Use kids as a weapon to try and get their own way).

However I would NOT let them influence my day or dictate anything.

My guess is if you tell them he can be page boy they will either 1. Dictate your day and cause you a lot of unease or 2. Not turn up. Then you will have wasted the money on the outfit etc and you will be let down on your wedding.

I'd tell them straight that due to what happened in the past he is not part of the wedding party. If they decide not to come to your wedding is it a big deal?

Be straight and be firm that neither will be a part of the wedding party!

If you want, get your nephew a little gift or something if itmakes you feel a little better.

They are playing mind games with you for fun IMO.

Hope i have not offended you with anything i have said but it's just how i read it. I might be totally off the mark.

That's a tough one.....my first reaction was go with option A to maintain a 'quiet life' and not cause more arguement, but then when I read the last part it appears that wouldn't happen anyway. They sound like horrible people - the fact that your SIL2B never really answered your original request for her son to be page boy would really rile me - perhaps use that as your reason to not have him, say that when you originally asked you got the impression they weren't keen.

I hate to say it but either way it sounds like they'll cause trouble for you. I know everyone says it, but its YOUR day, they've done nothing to deserve being there, and it sounds like there will be no love lost if they're not invited. As for the young boy asking about his "special job" - I think that's controlling of them, my five year old neice is bridesmaid for us and only just grasps what is happening and her role etc.

Not sure my rambling answer is any help - I think what I'm trying to say is don't invite them, getting married can be stressful at the best of times, it's your one big moment and you don't want to risk it being ruined.

x

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate them and Little Miss Tweety, you haven't said anything to offend in the slightest. I really wouldn't mind if they weren't at the wedding at all, in fact my stress levels would probably go down to 0 if I knew they weren't coming!

You have both said what I think deep down - BIL2B is trying to play games and have some sort of control. If nephew is a pageboy, I am sure that some drama will happen (it always does on any occasion where they are not centre of attention) and I have visions of SIL2B insisting on walking down the aisle with him or something. I just feel awful that there may be a possibility that he does understand we previously asked him and I would be letting him down. But then, he was too young to understand when we mentioned it (and we didn't mention it directly to him) so I guess it is now BIL2B's doing if it has now been discussed with him.

I am probably being a bit cynical but I wonder if the only reason it has now been mentioned is so they don't have to buy an outfit for him to wear to the wedding! I like your idea of still giving him a present or something to make him feel special to us. I could buy him a suit so he looks like H2B and feels involved that way maybe, even if he doesn't act as a full on pageboy.

Thank you for your help x

P.s. Sorry HappyAnnie, I meant to say also that the fact that your niece isn't quite sure what her role is is really helpful as it just shows to me that they are playing games as nephew wouldn't really ask what his "special job" is. I think they are going to be difficult whichever option I choose so I guess I need to work out which one will have less of an impact! x

Personally i would just text back and say 'oh sorry, i didn't realise that XX still wanted to be a pageboy as when i mentioned it to xx she didn't seem keen...im really sorry we presumed that you no longer wanted to be an usher and XX no longer wanted to be a page boy as it hasn't been mentioned since and we now don't have the budget for it...'

i'd then say...'we could find him another 'special role' for the day e.g ....(whatever you want)'

could say hand out confetti or something i don't know but personally they don't sound v.nice and you don't need the stress of them being directly involved in the wedding!! if they have mentioned it to their son then tough! they should have double checked with you after all that!!

Good Luck! x

Thanks MrsW2B, I really like your idea for the text reply. I think I may do that, but have a back up 'job' for him to to if it turns out he is really upset. Out of principle now I don't want him as pageboy as I am then giving into BIL2B and letting him influence our day, but if I could find nephew another job like the confetti or something, that would be a good compromise.

Thank you! x

TBH I think I am in the minority here but I would let him be page boy, children's suits can be brought for around £30/£40 and I don't really understand how much debate and difference there can possibly be when it comes to a 4 year olds suit. If the child has now been made aware (which i think is terrible on the parents parts) then he will be upset to be excluded and will not understand any reasoning why this has happened and will most likely blame you and your oh.

In terms of him on the day I am fully geared up for having my page boy refuse to walk down the aisle, possibly run backward and forward or dive into the pews half way up I think that is all part and parcel of having children involved in a wedding. I think so long as his mum and dad are already seated then there isn't much they can do.

I would however place a bridesmaid in charge of him that can escort him down the aisle if he gets shy or worst comes to worst carry him in before the music starts etc if he gets upset.

Thanks MrsG2B28.7.12, I do understand what you are saying.

We decided to still have him as a page boy so as to not risk upsetting him but replied and said "we didn't think you were still keen considering the situation with us but if XXX would still like to be involved we would like him to be too and can make arrangements" We got an instant message back basically saying that we have let nephew down and we will have to explain it to him when we next see him (incidently this weekend). I'm so annoyed but don't know if I should be! I don't understand how us saying we would like him to be involved is letting him down. We haven't replied yet - my feeling is that BIL2B was spoiling for it TBH, and even if we had said oh yes of course XXX is still a pageboy he would have found fault with how long it has taken us to sort it all out. Families hey!!!

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't let them within a 10mile radius of my wedding!! What you must keep in mind is that it is you and your H2b's day - not theirs. Don't let them try and pull a guilt trip on you because they have gone ahead and explained to their son that he has a 'special job' to do at your wedding. If they couldn't be bothered before when you asked - don't bother with them now! They have only set their little son up for a massive disappointment - not you! Don't worry about what they think, if they kick up a stink - let them! If they don't go - Don't worry! You said that it would bring your stress levels to 0, so I would just forget about them ..I hope you're ok, try not to let it get to you too much.

WSS

100% agree

Oh my goodness.. I have just read all of this and was planning a response until I read this. .... I cannot believe they have responded to you in this way after you saying you would still like him to be pageboy! You must be so cross. When I read that you had text saying you'd still like him to be I thought that was really good of you and better than what I would have done but to get a response like that is terrible. Like you say it seems no matter what you do or say they would find something nasty to say so I would make it simple now. Your conscience is clear as you have done the nice thing by still offering that role even though they have clearly put you through hell. So now it's time to think about you and your day so text back saying 'we have not let him down at all, we have just said we would like him to be pageboy still. We are not prepared to continually play childish games as this day happens to be extremely important to us and is costing a lot of money and effort. We need support around us not constant battles so if you cannot be positive toward the whole event then perhaps it's best for XXX sake that he isn't a page boy after all so that he is not being messed about' I would also cancel whatever it is your seein them for this weekend. They will kick off but let them as they seem to want todo that anyway and hopefully they will decide not to come to your wedding which will be the answer to your prayers. What does your OH say about all this? And other family members? And when is your wedding? I really hope you sort it one way or another and you have got to do what is best for you 2 and forget everyone else. Just because they are family it doesn't mean you have to include them at all cos they certainly do not deserve it! Good luck xO

Thanks everyone. I was worried I may have been overreacting! I've basically told OH to sort it out and to decide on what to do. I feel so stuck because I want to just say, no forget it you've had your chance (and I have told OH this) but then the rest of the family will see me as the evil bride who wouldn't let a 4 year old be a pageboy.

I know deep down that OH would like nephew involved somehow but I have had enough. For me the damage has now been done and I am in a no-win situation! OH has asked his Dad to have a word with BIL2B and give him one final chance to not be so aggressive and listen to the fact that we have asked nephew to be involved still (one chance too many IMO). If BIL2B doesn't accept that or says/does one more thing against us, OH will tell him he is no longer invited. If BIL2B does sort himself out, FIL2B has been asked to make sure he behaves himself on the day. FIL2B even said himself that BIL2B is stirring things. I'm kind of hoping he does kick off so that we can disinvite him and the stress will be over (although I'll still have to deal with the rest of the family fallout over it but I'm never going to have this day again and I don't want to have to be stressed about him on the day). The wedding is end of May so they have had 4months since invites went out to ask us about him being a pageboy and they choose to do it at the last minute!

Thank you for all your help and support, I really appreciate it! x