.

I don't think it sounds like cold feet so much as just not being as "into" the whole process as you, although there's every possibility that he's a bit freaked out at how quickly things start to take off. The thing is, I found with the planning that it goes through fits and starts - you run around mad sorting out loads of stuff for a few weeks then goes quiet and you don't do anything for a while longer but he may not be able to accept that at this stage, particularly if he's stressed about other stuff.

I had similar problems with OH - he's had virtually no input into the whole planning process and not for lack of trying to engage him on my half, he's just rarely interested in it and I don't think has any clue how much work and effort is involved. Eventually what we found worked was that I did all the leg work - the googling, the seeking out suppliers and that sort of thing and presented him with a short list of two or three options for each aspect e.g. instead of saying "what sort of invitations do you think we should go for?" say I like these 3 invitations, which one is your favourite?" - much easier to take in and most of the hard work is already done. Try to have a chat with him (not easy when he's being moody with you I know) and work out how you want to approach the planning process - do you want to divvy up tasks between you, do you want one person to control the budget etc. If he knows what's happening it might be a bit less daunting for him.

Good luck!

Oh and by the way, the weight comment is totally out of line IMO regardless of how stressed out he is. I think my reaction would have been along the lines of "well I never wanted to be with an a***hole!" (Disclaimer: not constructive and not a recommended response!)

Oh hun ((((HUG)))) thats a nasty thing to say even if his family are like that you dont say that to the woman your going to marry and that has just had HIS baby its only been 4 months what does he expect men make me so angery sometimes.

Aw, I really feel for you, I can sympathise with a lot of what you've said. When we first got engaged I started looking into venues and my OH seemed reluctant to discuss any of it. We were planning it for 2 years ahead so I can see his point to an extent but I like to get things booked so I know what's happening and to make sure we get the venue etc we want. He wanted to just get used to being engaged for a few months first (er no!)?

To be fair, once I got him into a venue and he realised how far in advance things get booked he started to be a lot more forthcoming. I really think for men it's a big thing to make the step to get engaged and it takes them a month or 2 to get used to the idea, even though it's their idea in the first place! Well in my OH case anyway! It's a difficult one as if it's going to be next year you need him to get involved now but if he's stressed at work it's more pressure for him.

My OH always puts everything off until tomorrow and there just never seems to be a right time to ask him as he says he's watching something or not now I'm tired. Now the main things are organised, I've just planned all the smaller details on my own to avoid getting frustrated and I just run things by him for a yes or a no. I think most men don't really care too much about the finer details and don't want to be too bothered by them. I know in my OH case he likes to feel he has a say but doesn't want to be dragged round shops or made to look at stuff unless it's been narrowed down to a choice of 2!

As for what he said about your weight that must be really hurtful, especially as you've just had a baby. Men can be so tactless and my OH has said things that indicate he wouldn't be happy if I put on weight in the future which makes me think, aren't you supposed to love me for who I am! In fact, they sound very similar! I doubt he'd quite as tactless but I suppose you were having a bit of a heated discussion. My OH is really spiteful in a heated argument and I know how much it hurts as I'm not the type who would ever say anything hurtful back so find it hard to understand how he can.

If I was you I'd wait for him to apologise (hopefully he will!) and maybe just make your own secret enquiries about venues and dresses etc in the background while he gets used to the idea!

AlmostMrsP - aren't men so annoying when they just leave it all to you and don't seem to realise how much effort goes into it all! Honestly, I watch Don't tell the Bride (on in 8 mins!) and I think OMG, if my OH was on this nothing would get bought or booked and it'd be getting married in our house in my PJs!

Thankyou! You're all so kind for understanding and reassuring me that its fairly normal. I'll keep you informed of how things go. If I can just pin him down to a venue I will HAPPILY do the rest.

I LOVED the 'a***hole' comment. Why oh why don't I think of things like that at the time. He probably would've laughed!!

Completely, if I hadn't done everything we wouldn't even be getting married - think OH thought that after proposing that was his end of things dealt with!

It's always the way.....?

Ahhhh however stressed he is he should not talk to you like that, that's horrible and I hope you didn't take it to heart because I'm sure deep down he didn't mean it, heat of the moment can be an aweful thing! I hope he apologises though!!!

I kind of have the opposite problem in that my other half wants to be in on all the decisons and has an opinion on everything I'd rather be able to get on with it my way hehe. He'll come round I'm sure when he starts to realise how much effort is needed at the start and then there's a resting period! x

I'm having the same experience as the other girls as regards to the planning - my OH isn't really that into it. I do all the leg work and show him what I've come up with for him to give a yay or a nay. He is known to use the lines "do we have to decide that just now", "do we have to book that just now" and "are we doing things too quickly" several times but thats just the type of person he is. Hes so laid back that he would put everything off until tomorrow if it was up to him.

The weight comment is really hurtful to you and should never have been said.

You poor thing. It must be particularly hard for you when he's away, which put a strain on anything.

I agree with the other ladies though - my OH has said to me "I have to admin all the time at work, and I don't want to do it at home". Uh, hello - what do you think I do all day?? With the venues I drew up a typed list of seven, showed him on the internet and we both ranked 1-3 in terms of which ones we wanted to see. We then saw the top 3 (combined). I just asked for his availability and did all the booking.

TBH, the one thing I would say, is that booking for next Summer has been a lot of hassle and time pressure - I didn't have any choice, but I would have preferred longer to plan - and if your man is only around at weekends, that does mean you're going to have be doing "wedding stuff" a lot of the time you're together, so have a think about when you do want to get married - it might be easier to go 2011 or perhaps winter of 2010 - that gives you a bit of time before you need to get sorted.

The weight thing is horrible, but don't take it to heart - my OH and I have HORRIBLE rows - like you, I wasn't brought up like that at all, but I now accept it as him just letting off steam - he knew that the weight comment would hurt you and that's why he did it - I know it sounds ridiculous but I really wouldn't take it personally. x

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I'm so sorry to hear this. Hope you can sort things out, maybe he'll come back when he's had time to have a think and calm down, has he ever behaved like this before? I really don't know what to say to make you feel better but have a ? and we're here if you need to talk (write) at all

Aw, sorry he being so awful!! What is it in life that he thinks he can't have because of you? I don't know from experience but I can imagine that it's a big adjustment when you have a new baby. Perhaps he's still getting used to that and needs to get used to the extra responsibility before he takes on any new "stress"? I'm just guessing I suppose, only he can tell you what's really bothering him. Let us know how you get on x

OMG.

Sorry babe but if a guy said that to me 'My life is ruined coz of you and baby, cant do anything I want to do now....'

then I would be telling him to F off. Its been said and thats unforgivable.......you will forever wonder what he meant, what he wanted.........something or a mate has got to him, has wound him up about something....its made him think (selfishly). Can you and little one move out and stay somewhere??

I'm not going to sit here and say you have to talk to him......coz that will happen eventually. But I think you should start to think about YOU and baby. Sod him. Make him suffer.....your absence would be enuff.

Sorry hun but i'm totally with Teehee on this one.

Hes is completely and utterly out of line. How dare he? I dont mean to be judgmental but I really think he is soooo harsh in what he has said. It sounds like he is behaving like a complete arse in the hope that YOU will end things and then he can behave exactly like he did earlier and say 'well if its what you want?'.

Dont play his games. Pack a bag and leave. Even if you dont want to at least it will give him a shock when he finally snaps out of his mood. If he hasnt ever done anything like this before then it may well be a case of 'cold feet' as the wedding plans begin to develop. If he has then I say dont put up with it. Either way its not fair. You need to be happy and focused on your baby. By all means sit him down and talk to him, get him to be honest with you (as much as it might hurt) and go from there.

Good luck with everything and I hope you get it sorted. *hugs*

xx

I actually gasped aloud at some of the comments he has said to you. Way out of line and you should not have to put up with that from who is meant to be the closest person to you.

Hope you're ok ??

Ok, I totally agree with the points the others have made but I will also add to these. I had a similar experience, not exactly the same but some points you mentioned screamed volumes. My husband and I had only been married just over a year and at the time our first daughter was only 7 months old. We hadn't been rowing a lot or anything but I had started to notice that he was quite snappy and a bit weird, i.e. not helping out round the house, not really wanting to have conversation, lying around watching tv and most of all not really interacting with our daughter as much as he had originally. Then the night before Valentines day, which just happened to be Friday 13th, he got up and said he couldn't do it anymore and walked out. Now bearing in mind, apart from the slightly odd behaviour, we hadn't been fighting or anything and on the most things were normal. Also to make matters slightly worse I had been suffering from Post Natal Depression so needless to say i was in a bit of a state and I didn't have a clue what had just happened. Anyway he wouldn't answer his phone and he wouldn't talk to anyone and on Valentines day he came and told me our marraige was over and that he couldn't cope. He moved back to his parents house and he was away for 7 weeks and he hardly left his bedroom apart from going to work. Now, a lot of things happened within these 7 weeks (felt more like 7 years at the time) that I won't go into otherwise we will need another forum lol, but to cut a long story short, in week 7 he called my father out of the blue crying, apologising asked him if he thought I would ever forgive him. He then wrote me a letter trying to put into words exactly how he was feeling and at that point we realised something wasn't right. I went and spoke with him and he agreed to see his GP and it ended up that he was suffering from Post Traumatic Depression. The Doc said it was a mixture of work related stress, money worries and that fact that within a year and a half we had bought our first house, got married and had our first child and trying to help and deal with me with my depression, which is a lot if you think about it. His young age didn't help either. Everything just got on top of him and he couldn't find a way out, so he had a kind off mini break down.

Anyway to end on a happier note, we have been together 11 years now and have 2 beautiful daughters. I hope everything works out for you and he sees sense and comes back with a well deserved apology. xxHUGSxx

I have to say i can't actually believe some of the things he's said to you!!!! If my H"B ever spoke to me like that it'd be over..whatever caused him to say it/was on his mind/reasons/excuses etc etc a little bit of what we have would be broken beyond repair and i would never be over it.

I think you need to think about you and baby and leave...get away and think about what you want and need.

I hope i don't sound too harsh but you deserve so much more. Huge hugs. X

Thank you all for your replies. Its certainly given me food for thought.

At the moment he's back and apologised and said he DOES want us to get married but is going through a difficult time. I didn't really say anything to be honest....I'm too tired to argue and too angry to soothe him. So for now I'm just concentrating on the baby and seeing what happens. Weddings will not be discussed for now. Shame because I dreamed I tried on my Dream Dress and it was perfect! lol. Also, its our 4 year anniversary of meeting today.

Leagh, what you said struck a chord....our daughter was a happy accident and in January we got engaged, April we moved into our house, living together for the first time, had her in July after a fairly traumatic labour and emergency caesarian, and now we're planning weddings all while he is waiting to hear if his contract will be renewed. Funny, I can cope with it....but maybe he can't

I'll keep you all informed xx

I think in life Men are maybe stronger in the physical sense but women are definately stronger emotionally and mentally. I suppose it's an added bonus that its generally more natural for a woman to talk or share her problems and get it off her chest and a man is more inclined to bottle it (no pun intended lol). Anyway I'm glad things are looking slightly better for you but it was just something to maybe keep an eye on. Take care