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bewildered
Beginner January 2012

3 weeks to go and the wheels have fallen off

bewildered, 23 December, 2011 at 02:50 Posted on Planning 0 21

Hello Hitchers.

This is my first post so please go easy on me but I could really do with some advice/encouragement/telling-off-for-being-a-bad-person(delete as appropriate). I'll apologise in advance if this turns into an incoherent rant since it's past my bed time and I've had a beer.

Just a little background info. My wedding is on the 14th Jan 2012. It's in the East Midlands where most of my friends and OH's family live and my family are about 150 miles away in Lancashire. The plan was for a "simple but classy" day. I only gave myself 6 months to plan it so me and OH have been making decisions pretty rapidly and getting things done in our own little way.

I thought things were going reasonably well until last week we hit some issues with bridesmaids dresses. However the poo really hit the fan earlier this evening when my mum called and launched into a full blown rant about how she and the family hadn't been considered in any decisions, they hadn't had any input into any of the wedding plans, it seems like the whole wedding has just been "cobbled together," it's/I'm an embarrassment etc finishing with me being called "awful and rude" before she hung up the phone.

OK. So, I could have handled matters better and hindsight is a wonderful thing but, without going into details, I think I've been treated unfairly here. I've worked damn hard at getting as much planned as I have done and I've got some pretty good reasons to conclude that 95% what mother dear said to me was unjustified and just plain hurtful. What's more this has all been said 24 days before the wedding! Far too late for me to go back and change anything and close enough to the date for those words to still be fresh in my memory. It feels like the happy, laid back atmosphere I was hoping for on our wedding day has been ruined with one phone call.

Which brings me to the main reason for the post. What to do next? My knee-jerk response was to just not have my family at the wedding although I'm more than a bit angry at the moment so I accept that it's too soon to make that decision. It's too late to cancel the wedding as almost everything is paid for and I simply can't afford to lose that much money. I also love my OH more than chocolate so I'm determined not to let anything stop the wedding. I thought about writing my family a letter explaining my actions in planning the wedding and answering their criticisms and basically saying we'd like you at the wedding but only if you turn up with the right attitude. That way the ball is in their court and if I really am as evil as they seem to think then it's their decision not to be involved.

Sorry again for the length of the rant. Any advice or comments?

21 replies

Latest activity by cookiekat, 5 January, 2012 at 13:57
  • 3d jewellery
    3d jewellery ·
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    Don't really know what to say to help except it's your wedding so you should have what you want, thats not being selfish. What is your relationship usually like. What have you got planned is it so unusual to be embarrassing?

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  • S
    Beginner September 2012
    sheree_heptinstall ·
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    I would echo 3D Jewellery's words here - i've learnt that its your wedding, do what the heck you like! tell them about it and don't ask, i've given up on the times people have turned their noses up at our ideas.

    i'd leave things to cool, perhaps over christmas, and speak before the new year? what involvement did your ma think she'd be having? x

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  • D
    Beginner May 2012
    dlees81 ·
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    Really sorry this has happened- I worry about this happening to me too as mum has already made clear that some of my wedding plans go completely against her taste, and I haven't involved her much at all, mostly because we do disagree on most things.

    Is there any way you could contact your mum, explain your decisions so she can see your perspective, and maybe come up with something she can be involved in? I would say that if she can't be happy for you then maybe she shouldn't come.

    I guess your family have already RSVP'd despite what she has said, it does look like she may have got caught up in a train of thought and contacted you in the heat of that IYKWIM, so I suspect that she is just giving you her view and not everyone else's and I bet she still wants to see you get married above all. Weddings do bring out the worst in people as they are emotive, maybe she's worried about you doing things you'll regret later (just make it clear you know what you're doing), and mums do like to be involved, or at least kept in the loop, so try and keep her informed if you can get her back 'on board'.

    I really hope you can make up, as this fall-out looks unexpected so you may regret afterwards if she doesn't make it. Certainly don't exclude your whole family for something that only she has said. And I hope you can resolve your bridesmaids dress issues, maybe hit the High Street if you're really struggling. Sorry I can't help much on that as I'm not having bridesmaids.

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  • *JLS*
    Beginner July 2012
    *JLS* ·
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    I think your mum is being very unreasonable!! It is your and your future husbands wedding and it has nothing at all to do with her!! The only thing we have done with our wedding for family is to hold it in Scotland, everything else is our choice and I don't care if anyone else likes it or not!!

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  • Chris Giles Photography
    Chris Giles Photography ·
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    Tell your mum she's not welcome.

    It's your wedding, not hers.

    Sounds harsh doesn't it? But I'd stamp on this behavious ASAP or else you're giving her license to repeat it.

    I've attended numerous weddings 'cobbled together' at short notice and they have been some of the best.

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  • DarkMoomin
    Beginner June 2012
    DarkMoomin ·
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    We have had some falimy drama's (been planning for about 15 months with another 5 and a bit to go...) but so glad that for the most part they want to be involved in the process, my mum especially, just wants to be useful for us, but have never tried to influence decisions etc.

    I think you need to have a cool off period, and then try and call your mum for a chat. Its your mum, would you really be happy having the day without her? regardl;ess of what she's said?

    To be fair - she has had a good 5 months to get involved - surely anyone who has been married knows how all absorbing the organisation is and that if they want to be involved they kind of have to do the getting intouch themselves, I certainly haven't had the time to think about consulting all and sundry about things, but if they ask will happily discuss stuff with them!

    Anyway, I say cool off, call her with a calm head and an attitude to resolve the issues, not to fight and try and find out what it is that has actually upset her so much. Is there one element that somehow has offended her? of has she only just realised that she ;et 5 months of planning go by without doing her MOB role in the planning?

    Good luck, and hope you have a fab day regardless of what happens!

    PS I think there are always compromises to try and keep most people happy - but don't feel you should compromise on anything that you feel very strongly about.

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  • bewildered
    Beginner January 2012
    bewildered ·
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    Thanks everybody. Good to hear the views of some people who aren't in the thick of it.

    In response to a few posts. I normally get on fairly well with my family. We're not the closest but I call them every weekend and we don't often fall out like this. I don't know if there's one specific thing I've done (or not done) that's triggered this. I think my mum tried to say that she feels embarrassed when other people ask her about the wedding possibly because she feels she hasn't been involved and explaining this to others is oh-so shameful. But that's kinda much her fault. Last night was the first time my mum picked up the phone to call me about the wedding other than that she's just sat and waited for me to update her and I've done that every week. I think the argument might have been brewing in my mum's head for a few weeks now. Her tone suggested that she was angling for I fight as soon as I picked up the phone last night.

    Like a couple of you have mentioned, she's had 5 months to involve herself. To be fair to her, right at the beginning she asked if there was anything she could do. At the time there wasn't and I've taken a reasonable ammount of pride in the fact that they haven't had to do anything. I even booked thei family's acommodation for them. I realise this has been interpreted as isolating them but thought I was doing them a favour by taking on the workload, stress and the financial burden myself yet none of that has been recognised. When I have updated the family on any progress or plans it's been met with criticism generally. There's been no enthusiasm, excitement, encouragement or anything else beginning with "e!"

    I'm still leaning towards just telling them to stay at home if the can't be supportive but I still haven't calmed down yet. My mum made it quite clear that these weren't just her sentiments. She said my dad felt the same and I'll put money on my sister and grandma being pretty narked with me at the moment too. Has anybody else not had their family at their wedding?

    Merry Christmas. *sigh*

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  • PompeyEm
    Beginner September 2011
    PompeyEm ·
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    For me, it sounds like you may need to let some dust settle BUT that it's not something that a good heart to heart can't cure.

    I was the same with my mum, there wasn't anything that she could help with living over 100 miles away (and her unwillingness to travel independently) so I just got on and planned the day myself. Because we weren't overly planning with my parents, his parents weren't involved either.

    I know my mum was ever so sad that she wasn't more involved but, like you, I kept her in the loop as much as I possibly could have done in the circumstances. She wouldn't have reacted like yours as but don't forget, I had the pre-nuptial idea thrown at me by his mum!

    You say that you mum not helping was as much her fault as yours. And in some respects that will be true but maybe she thought you didn't want her to be involved beacuse you'd already said there wasn't anything to do? Is it at all possible that over the last few months you've both been grabbing the wrong end of the stick and it's got to the stage that she'd just exploded with emotion like a gradually shaken bottle of fizz and you're left wondering where the f*** that's come from?

    Have a heart to heart. Don't let the dust settle for too long, because then it will become a battle of wills as to who should make the first move and this is how family feuds start BUT while you're having that heart to heart and thinking about what you want to say from your point of view just bear in mind that our mothers (and I don't know how old yours is) come from a very different era with regards to weddings.

    My mum is traditional/old enough to still want to buy into the idea of me marrying from home (despite us getting married near to wear me and hubby live) and that 'in her day' the mother was very heavily involved with wedding preparations and the father tended to foot the bill. So our modern-day wedding was very far removed from their sphere of knowledge and experience. (And that of their family and friends too) While us little girls grow up having the Prince Charming romance scenario inadvertantly foisted on us, our Mothers also watch us growing up with the fantasy of what planning their little girls wedding will be like. That fantasy and the reality are often far removed but it doesn't make it any easier to get to grips with.

    So, while I don't agree with the tone of what she's saying maybe, dare I say it, cut her 'some' slack in the method behind her madness?

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  • celticgoddess
    Beginner March 2012
    celticgoddess ·
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    My family aren't going to my wedding, we are doing it in secret. We want no fuss or hassle, just us and our 2 witnesses.

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  • L
    Beginner December 2012
    Lolswoo ·
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    Hello Bewildered (and everyone else),

    I'm a bit of a newbie here too.

    Firstly, sorry that your Mum has just had a massive go at you. How upsetting. Big cyber-hugs.

    I wonder if she's a bit stressed about something else and is taking it out on you and your wonderful wedding? Christmas is an emotional time, and as people have said, weddings do tend to bring out the worst in people. We're not getting married until 31st December 2012, but had the venues and everything booked, then my OH's mum and dad, who will have to travel 40 miles threw their toys out of the pram in a big way over the day. Thankfully, things seem to have calmed down a bit now, but I invited her along to see the dress, with my Mum, and a week later we got an e-mail suggesting I get one from her a website which was here her friend's daughter had got hers from - and she'd even pay for it!

    We think some of it is because she wants to show off to her friends (in the nicest possible way), and some of them have kids who've just got married - plus she's got 3 boys!

    I don't know if any of this helps, but as I said, we know she's been stressed about a few other things lately, so we wondered if it was that; the wedding was the only thing she could take her frustrations out on.

    For what it's worth, if you want them there, extend the olive branch but explain how much you've been upset by her comments. If you get on well with her, explain why you forged ahead with stuff - I'm sure she'll appreciate everything, and realise why you did what you did. As you say, explain you'd like them there, and you'd like their support.

    My Dad's family were absolutely hideous to my Mum about their wedding. I don't know what they did, but my Dad never spoke to his family again! They decided to get in touch when they saw the notice of his death in their local paper, and wanted to apologise/atone.

    Families really are flippin; complicated Good luck - and I'm sure once you get to the bottom of this, your Mum will be right there on your side at the start of your new life. Shes probably regretting some of the things she said at this moment.

    Hope that helps a little. Good luck, and have a nice Christmas!

    Merry Christmas to you all out there!

    Lolswoo xox

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  • Big Apple
    Beginner February 2013
    Big Apple ·
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    I think what PompeyEm said is the very best advice anyone could give. Good luck and have a lovely Christmas.

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  • *Nursey*
    Beginner May 2012
    *Nursey* ·
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    I think it's hard dealing with families, and I know I've had a few stresses along the way. PIL2B don't want to know much about the wedding, as they helped plan SIL2B's back in 2005 and just want to turn up and enjoy themselves. They are paying for a few bits though, bless them.

    My Mum wasn't too excited at first, but I tried to involve her as much as I could. She didn't seem to like my plans and thought I was wasting money and getting too excited, so I just carried on without her input. Then in summer I was telling her about my wish tree (thinking she'd hate the idea) and she thought it was great. I've had to think of a few things for her to do/make with me, and this means I have changed a few ideas and introduced a new mini theme, but it's worth it in the end.

    She just thought that it was too soon to start planning. Maybe your Mum thought that she wasn't needed but was too proud to say something? And now realises that there's not long left and kinda exploded?

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  • jojo2
    Beginner June 2012
    jojo2 ·
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    That musthave been a bit upsetting for you. I would let things cool down and wait until afyter Christmas. She may apologise for ranting and feel bad about it. If she felt this way she should have said 5-6 months ago not 24 days before the wedding which is quite thoughtless on her part.

    It is your wedding and nobody should cast a shadow over it for their own self importance. My sister tried that and is no longer a BM or attending (her choice) but I will not change my mind now. I take it you and your mum usually have a good relationship so I hope you work things out.

    Have a good Christmas.

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  • J
    Beginner December 2012
    jsmout3 ·
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    Yep, neither did we and we had the best day of our lives, with only my elderly mum there [who walked me into the ceremony room - proudest moment of my life].

    We had a lot of flack from my uncle-in-law or rather his wife. They heard about the ceremony second hand [me having asked fiance nicely not to do the contacting, but you know men!], so were furious at 'not being invited'. At this point I hadn't invited anyone who wasn't directly involved ie: best man etc. We were having an afternoon tea reception within the public area of the restaurant and had been told we could only have 6 of us. They did actually agree to accommodate up to 10, since they'd never had a wedding party before, but I didn't know this until I met the restaurant manager. Also at this point, we had only just given our notices and I didn't want to confirm anything until the legal bits and bobs were done.

    As it turned out, said relatives couldn't come after all as one undergoing cancer treatment [which we hadn't even been told about ☹️, so very upset and at that point I was quite ready to call it all off! These people have never sent us a wedding card, nor done anything towards it. Yet we have received gift vouchers, cash, presents from people we both work with and hardly know and in my case from someone I haven't worked with for a decade, but still keep in touch with every Christmas. I even received a cheque the day after the wedding, from an old friend of my mother's.

    My hubby tried to call his aunt a couple of days after the wedding, but she didn't seem to want to speak to him much. I've asked him to try and contact them, as I would like to see them this week whilst my mum is away and I have the time, as we have wedding favours and cake to take to them. I'm not holding my breath that they will be interested though and whether they turn up to our renewal next December, remains to be seen.

    Families! Who the heck needs them eh?

    Jan xx

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  • bewildered
    Beginner January 2012
    bewildered ·
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    Thanks for the advice and support. Just thought I'd drop by with a little update.

    As suggested, I contacted my mum. Let's just say it didn't go to well. The family feel much the same as they did before xmas. I asked them if they wanted to come to the wedding or not. After thinking for 3 hours they said yes but my sister wouldn't do a reading, my dad would't do a speech and instead of staying for four nights they're staying for two. I had agreed to change a few of my arrangements around on the day to show I took on board what they said but it wasn't quite enough. The message was quite clear. "We're coming. But we're not happy about it."

    They don't seem willing to put their feelings about dress shopping, the food, the top table and god-knows-what-else behind them and support me and my OH on our wedding day. They also didn't show any signs that they might see my point of view. I don't want an argument on the day and, after a couple of drinks there's a good chance that my temper would get the better of me so I bit the bullet and called them back. I've decided the day is ruined with or without them, but it's a lot less stressful without them. So they're not coming.

    I know a few of you will say that I'll regret this decision but I've thought about this a lot and I'm sticking to my guns. I know they'd only be turning up out of a sense of obligation or because they'd be worried about how it would look if they weren't there. I think I deserve a little more than that. In all honestly I'm relieved that they're not coming.

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  • Big Apple
    Beginner February 2013
    Big Apple ·
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    Your last sentence says it all. As long as you and your OH are happy that's really all that matters.

    Well done for biting the bullet, it takes guts.

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  • Z
    Beginner October 2015
    zheshi ·
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    How about this website: www.eastbridal.com because the price is cheapper (sorry,because i dont have much budget).Is anyone purchase on this site before?? If not, i only have to consider ebay later,there are so many sellers,i am dizzy

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  • L
    Beginner December 2012
    Lolswoo ·
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    As others have said, well done for biting the bullet.

    Just wanted to say (as I know your wedding is nearly here, and I'll prob. forget to say anything nearer the time), I hope you and your OH have the most wonderful day, and that it's a fitting, beautiful, fun love-filled start to your new life together as Mr & Mrs!

    Good luck!

    xox

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  • D
    Beginner August 2013
    debs35 ·
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    Im really sorry to hear you re family have been like this, i really dont get families, you would think they would be happy for you regardless of choices, after all, its not their day! and if they wanted to be involved why didnt they call you for a chat and offer to help? it would be a good way to keep in touch too! it sounds like its all on their terms and you have to do all the chasing, which seems unfair. I think you have made the right choice not to have them there, why should you feel awkward on your big day and have it ruined? at least you can now relax.

    I have not invited some family members to mine because they would try to ruin it, ive been married before and they did it with the last one! i have less patience with manipulative people now so i cant say i could ignore it this time round! lol!

    As for mothers, mine is worse this time! stamping her feet about various issues, so many family from her side should be invited because so many from my dads side are, its not that simple! there arent enough to be invited, or we dont see them and why should i invite people i dont see anymore! me and mum had a blazing row over it and i told her to stop being unreasonable, shes abit better now, but only because i just get on with stuff and tell her after! if at all! but im sure it will kick off nearer the time of sending out invites next year! I wanted a really small wedding, but my OH hasnt been married before and wants his closest family and friends there. So Ill have mine too, taking it to 45. (Min no 60 so may aswell have 60 there if we re paying for 60!)

    well done celtic goddess i would have liked to have done the same as you!

    Good luck for next weekend! this is an exciting time and on the day you can forget about the issues and just enjoy it, all the best!

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  • friya123
    Beginner August 2013
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    Just wanted to say well done for making such a huge decision like that - it takes some real guts! There's always the chance that you'll regret it some day, but you have to do what's right for you now. And, if you do feel bad about it later, just remember that, at the time, it was the best thing to do.

    Have an amazing wedding and here's to a happy, stress free life for you and your hubby Smiley smile

    x

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  • cookiekat
    Beginner August 2012
    cookiekat ·
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    I'm sorry it hasn't worked out. I am not inviting my mother or brothers or anyone from that side of the family, I was so stressed out about it until I finally made the decision that no it just wasn't worth the stress of inviting them. I felt so much weight lifted off me and have since discovered everyone else around me is relieved they are not coming!

    Its your Day, do it exactly as you want. Friends and family should be there to support you not make your life miserable!

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