A pondering about friendship

I haven't ☹️ I think really good friends are those friends you have had for years and you trust. I've yet to make any good friends more recently.

I would consider myself a good friend but i'm obviously doing something to put people off ?

[kia ora] i'll be your friend [kia ora]

I don't really have any friends. It's something that regularly reduces me to tears actually. I don't really know where to look to make friends, if that makes sense. I work with MrK so I can't make friends with colleagues. I live in a small village, and whilst there are some people there that I socialise with on occasion, I don't yet consider them friends. If I needed them, they wouldn't drop everything to be there for me. Maybe I'm expecting too much from them.

I've been let down this weekend by a neighbour who I considered a friend and I'm racking my brains to see if I've said or done anything to offend her but I can't think of anything so maybe I was too hasty considering her a friend and she just didn't offer the same consideration back.

Sorry, this is quite rambly - I've just had a weekend thinking about friendships and wondering why people don't really like me. It's been quite a depressing weekend actually. ☹️

I have two best friends - one I have been friends since my first day at Prep School at 9 years old so 20 years. The other I have been friends with for 12 years. I am still very close to them and they are both (G)Odmothers to my daughter, even though 1 lives in New Zeland.

Other than them I find it quite difficult - not to form basic friends, as I find making friends easy - but making any sort of close lasting friendship I'm very wary about. I have a group of 7 "mummy" friends - all of whom I like and get on with well but I can't see any of them developing into a close friendship.

Having said that about 6 months ago I became friendly with someone on Hitched and she's rapidly becoming a very close friend. Sadly, she too is overseas so seemingly I have a talent for engaging in good friendships with people far away!

[big hug] kekepania,

actually thinkig about my initial reply, i'm sure there are certain Hitchers that will tell you that more recent friendships are better than older ones so maybe old friends aren't always the best, I think it's just down to the individual person.

I guess I tend to think that people at my age (32) have already made their friends and don't really want to be friends with me, or maybe I don't make enough effort. I have tried to gets people out for a drink etc. but generally have no replies and yet certain people I know can send an e-mail and straight away everyone's up for it.

I really don't think it's our fault but i'm not sure what the answer is. The only people I can really rely on is my parents, my sister and my husband which is a bit of a sad fact isn't it?

I have a small circle of friends really, and only a couple of them I would count as close close friends. I am similar to you Jaz, I do find myself being wary to let people 'in' and have been stung in the past.

I met my 'best' (for want of a better word) girl friend by chance kind of through H and also we were living next door to eachother, but even her I don't tell everything. Another close friend I tell everything to, and met her on Hitched.

Other good friends I talk to and socialise with but we're not necessarily (sp?) exceptionally close IYSWIM.

I think friendships come along when you don't really expect them to be honest. I am friendly and chat to people, laugh and joke with them, socialise etc but it often stays like that. Rarely will a freindship of that nature move into a close friendship in my experience. It tends to happen without me realising it IYSWIM?

Also I find that sometimes people come into your life for a period of time and you may be very close for that time but then drift apart as no longer need eachother. This has happened to me a few times and is often what makes me wonder if I am making the wrong friendships....

Thanks Sunset - big hugs back to you too! ?

I know exactly what you mean about trying to get people out for a drink. I invited my neighbour for a drink on Saturday - she said yes. She went to my other neighbours BBQ in the afternoon (which we weren't invited to) and then walked straight past our house at 7pm and didn't come to ours. So I've been left wondering what I could have possibly done to upset her!

I'm 23 but don't seem to be 'cool' enough for other 23yr olds to want to go out with! I see photos on facebook of them out having fun, and no one ever thinks to invite me. I feel like they all think I'm boring. I know a few people (my cousin included) think that I think I'm above them. It's not true - I don't. They just think that because I run a company with my husband, and own a house as something that makes me a 'snob'. It doesn't - it just means I have less free time and less spare money than they do ?

So, I try making friends with some people in their early 30s and they just seem to patronise me and treat me like a child. They will also invite MrK places and not me ☹️ I don't know what else to do.

I can also only rely on MrK and my parents. I guess I could also on my auntie and uncle.

Jeez, I'm fighting back the tears now.

I've just rencently got back into contact with an old army buddie who I was joined to at teh hip when we were stationen together. We met up after a period of nearly 15 years and it was like we had never been apart. The conversation flowed, we talked about everything and anything and although my life has changed (married, two kids, no longer a drinker etc) it didn;t seem to matter at all. I guess that is what a true friendship is.

On the other hand I have a friend who I see at least once a week and have done for almost 6 years, yet we never have the sme initmate, close conversations that my friend above and I do. Different friendship I guess.

When did you make the plans with your neighbour? Is it possible she forgot or had too much to drink? She should have said if she couldn't go in any event.

A lot of my friends went out at the weekend, I wasn't invited because the girl who's birthday it was I don't really know. To be honest some of them go OTT when they've had a drink, I'm more reserved but I'd hate that to mean I wasn't invited because I wasn't fun enough, it just isn't me.

I've been invited out on Saturday night, I know the girl that's invited me really well but don't really know her friends, she's said I can bring a friend but so far, the friend i've invited hasn't replied. MrSun says I should go, he never worries about being a loner, he says that in general if you don't know people then the others make more of an effort. I guess i'm not as brave and worry i'll be stood on my own with no-one to talk to although in reality I know my friend wouldn't let that happen and i'm too talkative to let it. I'm still nervous about going alone though.

Whereabouts are you?

I asked her Saturday afternoon, just before she went to the BBQ - I wasn't aware at the time that she was going. I reckon it's likely that she had too much to drink, but she could have come round the next day to explain.

I completely understand about going out with people you don't know. I went to my sister in laws hen night and only really knew my 2 sister in laws - I had met a few of the others before but didn't really know them. As soon as I turned up at my sister in laws they were all lovely and we had a fab night but I was so nervous about it, I nearly backed out a few times. What are the plans for Saturday night? Is it a meal or clubbing?

I'm near to Portsmouth.

It's a few drinks and on to a pub that's got dancing. I think, even if I don't hear from my other friend, i'll go to the pub for a few drinks and play it by ear.

I have been thinking about this lately.

Most of my friends are school friends (im 25 now) and i dont see them very frequently. The last few times i have seen them i have realised how little we have in common now and i cant really see us being friends for much longer.

I have one really good friend that i worked with a few years ago and she is the only friend i am having as a bridesmaid at my wedding.

Other than that i would say have many aquatences (sp) but not many real friends.

I want a hitched friend!!! ha ha!

That sounds like a good plan ?

We've been invited to a neighbours on Sunday - every year they have an annual BBQ for about 100 people - so I guess that will be a good place to meet people. I was quite surprised we were invited because we haven't lived there a year yet - especially as none of our immediate neighbours have been invited - but we do speak to them a fair bit in the pub (they go on holiday to North Cyprus, which is where my in-laws live so there's common ground there) and they are actually really nice people. Maybe there's chance for a friendship there. I'm a bit nervous about Sunday as I don't know many of those who are going but I guess it will be a good opportunity to meet new people and maybe try to develop friendships with those I already know.

I've also been thinking about this a lot recently. I don't have anyone I can rely on, after even my parents let me down and lie to me (very dysfunctional family, I love them but don't rely on them) I don't really trust anyone. I would love to have close friends but I really don't. I find it difficult to make friends and when I do they seem to let me down. I believe I always put in to a relationship and I expect to get the same out but I never do.

I think a lot of people on here will say that they don't have many close friends or good friendship ties because presumably that's why we spend time on internet forums.

To answer the OP I don't think you can have a lot of 'close' friends. Friendships come in many forms and its rare to find more than one other person that you'd happily tell everything to.

What strikes me is that friendships are often formed because one person is outgoing and is not afraid to do the asking. They'll invite you to something and not be put off asking again if you can't make it to the first thing. They are also more willing to talk to a variety of people without worrying about whether they are their 'type' of person. I've noticed this particularly since having a child and meeting people through mother and baby groups,etc. One woman I can think of knows loads of people but that's largely because she talks to everyone and doesn't wait for other people to talk to her.

To the Hitcher whose neighbour didn't come round - she may have just got too merry at the earlier party. Rude not to tell you but I would ask her what happened.

Cedar - its highly possible that she did. I'm just on a bit of a downer today ?

Thanks for all the replies, sorry I had to bugger off [adds "being attentive" to list of qualities I need to work on] ?

I have found making new friends tough and was happy having H as my best friend though I have one other best friend too but we live quite far apart. I'd have said I'd trust them both with anything but then recent marriage problems and counselling have made me realise that maybe I need to broaden my horizons a bit. I am a bit flaky and rubbish at keeping in touch but deep down I think I'm very loyal and honest and just wish I could find more people like it. I have a very small family who I guess would be there if I needed them to be too. But I am fed up of being let down by "friends" or finding out they've been bitching about me etc and wonder if I'm expecting too much from friends and maybe I just need to suck it up and deal with it in a better way than writing them off.

Is there some sort of dating websites for friends only ?

? for anyone who fancies one

Another 32 yr old here. I have 5 people in my life who I would say are my closest friends. People i would trust with my life. One of those is my husband, one (male) I've known for 14 yrs but don't see for years at a time, one (female) I met only 3 1/2 yrs ago, one is a Hitcher who I've met just a handful of times and the other (male) I met at college 4 1/2 yrs ago. All of these friendships were formed when I least expected them.

I am incredibly wary of people when it comes to letting them in and nearly always fully expect my friendships and relationships to turn to sh!t. Even the ones I'm in now. And yet I'm outgoing, happy to meet new people etc. At the same time I'm private and guarded. With some terrible history with relationship, trust is a big issue for me. I quite often seem to draw people with 'problems' who lean on me for support and help, give none in return then when they're back on their feet they disappear. Don't get me wrong all of my close friends have/had their problems but there is a very definite mutual support system. I had a pretty major wibble just a couple of weeks ago when I was convinced people were just tolerating me, even my husband. The fact that I was able to speak to people honestly about this and they were so understanding and supportive shows how fantastic they are.

Interestingly though, I keep all of my friends separate from each other. They are all very different and the only thing they really have in common is me.

Jaz, there is nothing wrong with you or your judgement, I honestly think it is trial and error but I've definitely become better at spotting the signs of someone who will let me down/treat me badly.

x

p.s Sorry that was a bit of a ramble, you just happened to bring up somethine that's a bit raw at the mo.

This is me to a tee, yet the people I mentioned in my post seem to accept it as part of me but know that I'm there for them when it really counts.

x

I used to have a wider circle of friends when I worked for someone els e- we'd go out as a group from work. However, these were not close friends - we haven't kept in touch. I have made probably two good friends through work in the 13 + years I have lived round here. I have drifted away from old friends as we're not local. My best mate lives in Nottingham, so I never really see her, however if she needed me i would go and vice versa.

Then, via self employment I have made a couple of other good friends. And a couple via hitched. It's all a bit of a leap of faith though, isn't it?

We don't go out much though - mostly they have kids and other commitments, it just seems really hard to organise meeting up, and I am awkward with no weekends off. I am hoping to work harder at friendships now that we're down to one business and we will have more time.

I somethimes think also that the people I kind of start to make friends with already have TONNES of friends. I'm not into big groups, I like fewer, closer friends, if that makes sense. So, on the one hand I want more friends, on the other I don't want loads/big groups. So, I am picky to go with my generally hard faced cowness ?

L
xx

I think Daffy (I think, I can't see back) hit on it with the thing about being online maybe means a few of us here are in the same boat although things like facebook and stuff make me feel worse sometimes - so many people seem to have so many friends but I know some of it is often for show but sometimes I feel a bit like a loner but don't really wnat to add people as a) I don't actually really like them very much so don't want them nosing at my life or b) don't want them to reject me ?

I think my problem (well one of them anyway) is that I take things to heart so if I hear someone I like saying something I think of as mean about me I struggle to move on with it and I hate confrontation so feel myself just distancing myself which probably isn't good. As H revealed a while ago I don't deal with not being liked very well so maybe this is part of my problem too.

I also cope badly with not being liked. The thing is, I think that nobody likes me, whereas the reality is that quite a few people probably do like me but have enough going on in their lives to devote every minute of their day to making me feel liked, IYSWIM. I just tend to run out of things to say to people quite quickly - in all fairness, I work in an industry that if you don't know much about is very very dull and I work long hours so my evenings are usually taken up with exercise, eating and generally flopping on the sofa for half an hour before going to bed. We've spent the weekends for the past few years, renovating houses and this year we've been working on the garden every weekend. Spare weekends are spent seeing family, going for walks or going to garden centres. ? So I guess I'm not a typical 23 yr old.

In a way I think MrK is part of the problem. He went through an extreme rough patch and his friends deserted him, so he feels better off not having close friends. That way they can't hurt him again. It doesn't bother him at all - he has a few friends that he'll go to the pub with, or out for a curry and thats it. No expectations on either side. So he doesn't understand my desire to have friends.

I feel the same about Facebook - I have about 160 people on there but only about 10 that aren't family that I reckon would still be interested in what I'm doing. The others are people I went to school or college with and I'm sure I'm only on their lists so they could get their friend count up. I don't add people any more - I'll wait for them to add me. I also don't want to be rejected.

Maybe we should start a hitched friend network. ?

I don't have hundreds of friends. I used to have 2 close friends in Birmingham and a couple of people that I'd go out with for drinks etc. Over time the latter group have drifted away, and of the two close friends one has emigrated to NZ, and one is considering moving to London with her BF. MrSC and I have lots of 'couple' friends who don't live locally and who I'd probably be closer to if they were - but whilst I love them to bits, it's not the same as having people you can drop in on for a natter. [BT related] this did lead me to a bit of a wobble recently when I realised that next April, all being well, I will have a newborn and yet hardly any friends to visit me/coo over it/offer support etc [/BT related]

I'm remedying this by being better at keeping in contact with existing friends and taking some steps to 'convert' acquaintances that I think could have friend potential. But I'm not someone who has ever found that easy to do, so it's definitely baby steps over here.

I have very few real "friends"; the sort who I know would support me if I ever need it, or the people who phone me out of the blue to see how I am. I would say that I have three true friends in my life who I trust implicitly; my partner (of 7 years), my step-brother's girlfriend (friends for 5 years) and a guy at Uni (2 years). I would class most other people in my life as either acquaintances or mates (people who I like, but never see our friendship progressing much further in time, or maturing).

I met my OH when I was in High School, so this could maybe be a factor with regards to not making many friends - It must sound awful, but at the time, I would rather spend time with him than them. Having said that, I always found at school and more recently at University, that I was the one making the effort within friendships. I would put so much time and effort into them, only to be hurt.

In the past, I have been hurt a lot by "friends", as mentioned above, which has now turned me into a worrier. I'm often paranoid about the people in my life, who I feel close to and who I want to class as friends. I worry that I'm maybe to clingy, or don't get in contact enough along with many other things that become big things within my head.

OH doesn't have many real friends either. I guess that his would be me and my step-brother.

We have recently met a couple who we feel a connection with and who we would love to have a close friendship with. They have so much in common with us, so much so that it seems unreal! But, being the worrier that I am, I worry that they may not want the same sort of friendship that we would love to share with them. I worry that they see us as nothing more that acquaintances, that they find us immature and uncultured compared with them (they are a few years older and have children). I am paranoid that I am to clingy as I will occasionally open a conversation on FB chat. I am also worried that I'm reading too much into a friendship again and that this the kind of behaviour that will lead me to feel hurt or rejected again. Basically I'm a nightmare-uber-worrier!

I have a handful of close friends who I met through all different courses of life; school, work, etc. Curiously I'm not in touch with anyone I was close to at Uni despite at the time feeling like they were very close, I guess life just got in the way somehow.

I make friends easily so I'm lucky in that sense but as I've got older (37) and because I don't have children I find that people are less "available" to do stuff with or I have less in common.

So I tend to socialise almost entirely with work colleagues. I would like to go fully self-employed (I do part and part at the mo) but I think the lack of social contact of working for myself in the middle of nowhere (I live very rurally) is the one big thing holding me back. I'm separated from my OH so only have the cat for company at home.

Lois - how did you find the transistion to working for yourself?

I have a few friends from school, but I don't very often see them. One is a true old friend - we meet up after a year of not seeing each other / talking and can then talk for hours, despite the fact we have not a great deal in common any more. The other one is less of a happy tale: we've both changed a lot since school and I think if we met for the first time now we wouldn't even like each other very much, let alone make friends.

I've moved around a fair bit since school / uni so it's been hard to keep in touch. I'm also like someone else above in that I don't tend to keep in touch with people but am actually v loyal to them and love them dearly.

In addition, I've had some bad bouts of depression in my time - one was last year - and I'm aware this makes me high maintenance. I feel bad about this and am quite embarrassed. I'm not even sure if it is an issue with my friends but I feel that it should be and therefore probably make it one, if you know what I mean. It also makes me quite paranoid - if I invite people around and they say no I can assume it's because they fear I'm on a downer and I get worried about that, whereas in reality it's probably that they genuinely can't make it. I'm much, much better about this these days.

Lastly, nearly everyone of my age (30s) is tied up in one way or another - big mortgage / difficult job / having kids / trying for kids / early mid life crisis type thing: it's just doesn't seem that easy to have a free and easy drink with the girls any more.

I am finding it quite strange that the OP posted this on subject as I was in the middle of writing a similar thread.

A few years ago I had a close circle of friends in London, loved my social life etc ............................. I met a guy, moved in with him and neglected my friends for 2 years blah blah blah When I broke up with this guy in 2006 I had to relocate to Portsmouth and start a new life , now 3 years on I have 2 good friends down here + my now OH who is my most trusted friend and my sister who I adore.

At the weekend I went home to see my "close circle of friends in London" I thought it would be a great opportunity to catch up on the last few years ( we have mostly stayed in email contact) but I was made to feel like dirt, I wont go into too much detail but I have never in my life felt so low -I stayed up most of last night in hysterics with OH as I cannot get over the way I was spoken too by people I thought I trusted

Upon reflection today I am thinking maybe it is me, maybe I am of a different mindset to them as I am not a big drinker or a clubber ( I do like a good night out, occasionally) but generally I am a homebird, I love nothing more than catching up with a friend over a cup of tea or a glass of wine and piece of cake - I like gardening and baking -does that make me boring?

I feel so low today, I have moved away from my childhood home only to go back and find that everyone that I thought I knew - has formed an opinion of me that is just so warped - Now I am looking at my small circle of friends and wondering how I can improve this - am I boring? If my old friends are bored of me what will new people think of me?

I am sorry for the long post - this thread has really hit home for me, I just needed to vent my feelings

KekePania, I am a similar age to you and I also live in Portsmouth - if you ever want to send me an email I would be really happy to hear from you, my email is: ************@*******.***

(I am not an internet wierdy by the way - I have met Tahdah, Penguin, Zippy, Bluewater, Melancholie, etc in real life and they can vouch that I am not a troll ? )

Well, I was in business with H, but mostly i would be alone a LOT. I found it very hard, and made a lot of effort to keep in touch with friends I did have from work. Is it something you could go along to networking groups with? For pure meeting people, I would recommend the women only ones. I think the trick is to make friends with some other self employed types. Also, could your business link up with other businesses? I have started a club type thing which puts me in touch a range of other business woman locally, and there are friendships growing from that

L
xx

Sara ?

I've written down your email, incase you want to delete it. I have not met any hitchers in real life so no one can verify that I am not an internet weirdy ?

Thanks so much - I will email you.

I'm so sorry you had a rubbish weekend. Are these people a similar age to you? I'm finding that people my age tend to want to go clubbing and get drunk every weekend - whereas I much prefer a decent meal out and a few glasses of wine. So if you're boring so am I ? We seem to share a few interests actually - gardening, baking, wine, cake ? I don't think it makes you boring just because you enjoy different things to them, although I know exactly how you feel.

Thanks Lois - I know of a couple of groups locally, I think I just need the shove to make the first move on joining etc...I feel a bit of a fraud by only being part self-employed at present and wasn't sure if therefore I'd qualify. But good to know that they've worked for you ? I've got some links with other businesses, one in Scotland and one in Ireland for those specific markets so the correspondence is mainly the odd email and referral so hasn't been that great in terms of social contact.

I think I need to take a deep breath and just go for it! If I put down on paper objectively what I'd lose versus what I'd gain, other than security (which is obviouisly a biggy) there is alot going for the self-employed option at the mo!

S xx

KekePania, looking forward to hearing from you! ?

My "friends" are a similar age to me, a few are a year older one is a tad younger. I think you are definately right about the following:

There is definately a binge drinking culture in our generation and (apart from the yearI turned 18!) I have never really been interested in the things they are, they seem to be mortified that I am getting married too! This is mainly what has caused us to drift apart.

In response to the OP - Making and keeping friends is so hard - i have come to the conclusion that one life long friend is far better than ten "fair weather" friends, it's been really hard to accept that and also to accept the fact that I have drifted away from my group and that I am partly to blame for the breakdown in friendship. I always thought I did most of the emailing/texting/phoning etc but it seems they felt differently about it

X

Have emailed you ?

I got married 3 years ago and I think this caused a major problem with the friends I had. They didn't consider me someone 'fun' to go out clubbing with anymore. Other 'friends' that are married or in long term relationships have children and I don't, so there isn't anything in common there either.

This friendship thing is very hard ?

Kekepania, I live in Portsmouth shout if you ever fancy going out. I am looking for someone to go to afternoon tea with at the mo while I am unfortunately off work (waiting for new job to start) ? . PM me if it works, I would love to meet a hitcher...I promise I am quite normal!

I have a few friends, not as many as I used to have. I like just having stuff to talk about a do with a few people. Just got back in contact with old friends more recently, my closest friends actually don't live near me (London or US) so alot of my friendships are online/email. It works though.