A qustion single parents past and present.

All I can tell you is what was arranged between my parents as a child...we lived in the same town as my Dad, and I saw him every other weekend. He usually picked me up from school on Friday and would take me back to Mum Sunday evening if he was working an early on Monday, or would take me to school on Monday. On the week I wasn't seeing him at the weekend, I either went to his for an evening for dinner (sometime overnight) on the Thursday or Monday evening.

It meant my Mum still got to fun stuff on a weekend with me rather than just the rubbish bit of taking me to school, etc.

Distance is an issue for Boy1 and his dad - his dad is in Scotland and we are south coast of England.

I fly the boy up every half term and his dad flies him back (if that doesn't make us sound too much like birds!).

This year Boy1 has asked to spend Christmas with his dad - which is fine (no really, honestly, I'm completely cool about it. Honest) as he hasn't asked before - we've had 9 Christmases and his Dad has had none so far, so a perfectly reasonable request.

I don't know if this helps at all - sorry!

Thank you guys it is all very helpfull - for the last 2 years he has been coming here and staying on my sofa every Saturday night and spending the whole weekend here and it is now really not working for me. TBH I am amazed it has gone on this long.

He is local (within an hours drive) but works somewhat erratic hours. Rarely weekends though. The children have never been to his flat let alone stayed there. But I realise that I will probably have to get used to the idea and It may well do me good to get a lay in or some time to myself.

My daughters dad had her once a week. He would collect her in the evening, give her tea have her stay over then they would spend the next day doing whatever, swimming etc. He now lives with his girlfriend and has changed it to fortnightly but usually just for the day as he gave up his 2 bed house and moved into her 1 bed flat so nowhere really for daughter to sleep x

Oh crikey...I've no idea how you've coped!! You definitely need him to take them to his. I know it'll be strange at first...Mum always felt lost when I was gone...but then you can start doing things like pampering yourself, shopping alone, housework (not so exciting), so that the time you have in the evenings with the boys is not interrupted with any of that stuff...more quality time with them.

He's had it bloody easy for the past 2 years chick, you're so easy going! Saying that, you'll have done a great job of making sure J gets to know his Dad with you around to ease the process, it would have been hard for him to go to his house from the start without having lived with him. And you've eased the transition for E too.

But now...reclaim your home and your weekends!!

My ex has the children every other weekend for 2 nights and then usually 1 night in the week too if I want him to for babysitting purposes. He lives close at the moment but if he moves away then it will just be the alternate weekends.

Do you know - I know it sounds silly but I never really thought of it like that. I just thought I would be lonely and bored. But I never thought about spending that time doing the stuff I usually get branded boring Mum for. Getting all of the dull stuff (and maybe some good stuff for me) out of the way so I got to be fun weekend mum just like he has always got the time to be fun weekend dad! Thanks. It will take some getting used to. But the boys are ald enough now. I could not have done it straight away with a newborn.

I thought the every other weekend thing was quite usual - but he told me he wanted more - so maybe one evening a week could work too.

Again thank you everyone. It is all a great help.

Hi

up until this january my ex had my daughter every tuesday evening and alternate saturday nights...and every sunday day....

now it has changed as hes working sundays so he has her a night in the week as i work evening and alturnate satuday nights ( my moms doing the sunday as im at work)

I think the thing to remember is what works for you, him and the LOs is more more important than what is normal. If they are used to seeing him more than EOW then maybe you can come to some other agreement, if its all amicable you should think about what you think is reasonable and talk to him about it. I have a friend who literally shares contact with her ex, she has LO about 3 nights a week, he has LO about 3 nights a week and grannies have her EOW. There should be structuren but its whatever works, not some formula. The LO in this sitch is perfectly happy because no-one is fighting and she knows she is loved. And that's what's important. Reasonable is reasonable does, my riend and her ex work it out between them, if they need to swap a friday for a saturday 9 times out of 10 it happens. It will be tough letting them go, but think of it as getting some you time and having some fun, and working to make your LOs as happy as possible and it will get easier! Your LOs will thank you in the long run!

Don't get me wrong...it'll be rough to start with. Mum spent a few weekends doing not much but counting the hours...then got fed up of hearing how fab it was with Daddy with our day trips and fun and games, whereas time with Mummy often included housework, shopping, cooking...so she started blitzing the house one weekend a fortnight, meaning it was light catch up stuff the rest of the time, she'd get her hair done or clothes / decorating / gardening shop, do a big food shop, so she only needed to pick up perishables in between. I grew up thinking the house pretty much cleaned itself and food just appeared in the cupboards, I only ever remember her cleaning and shopping in my school holidays and then she tried to time it when I went to friends...I had a fab childhood!

You definitely need a weekend with the kids so that you can really do fun stuff...days out to country parks with a picnic, to the beach, things you just can't do after school.

He could even do an evening a week, so you could have a regular night out, or even just a regular nights sleep and the pleasure or just getting YOU organised the next morning.?

Thats so nice (that its so amicable)...I'm guessing they live close enough to eachother to do school runs to the same school each day and still work?

They live a few miles apart (about four) but the mum doesn't drive and so has some problems dropping LO off and picking up. After school and breakast clubs come in handy! They are in two different authorities so it is quite expensive, don't get me wrong it takes a lot of effort on both sides and a bit of gritted teeth! But the LO is really happy, she eight and apart from having two bedrooms doesn't really get that her parents are apart. I love the fact that the she is totally happy and from what I can see unaffected by the whole sitch! I wish my childhood had been so simple!

I've a lifetime of experience and what I've found is to always be reasonable... its amazing how much free time you end up with! Honestly, I've been down the court "2.5 hours every second Thursday" route, and also the "let them take them when they want them" route and the latter always works out better.

My son is 18 now and he decides when he sees his dad - and sometimes I have to remind him to call. The thing is that you will be surprised how quickly these arrangements change. Better to be reasonable because before you know it they will be adults making their own decisions. It all goes in a flash that its really not worth fighting over.

My son is 15 months old and his dad picks him up from daycare on tues and thurs and gives him his dinner before returning him for bed (so he spends about 2 hours each time with him) and then his dad takes him for 5-6 hours on a saturday, which I think is quite generous (he seems him 10 hours a week)

When he gets older, we will have to factor in school activiities etc and i can sort of imagine ex's time going down a bit

I hope you manage to work something out that is good for you and your kids

He has them after school for tea one night a week and then has them every other Saturday night and Sunday. He would have them for the whole weekend every other week, but he works Saturdays.

Again everyone - big thank you! It really seems to vary. The over night thing I am a bit scared of because the youngest (2) has only ever had me as a full time parent and is quite clingy. But I guess we could work up to that as the ex would need time to get a cot and bits for his flat anyway.

I feel a bit like I am shaking things up again for the eldist (5) who has been a trooper through all this. But things can not continue in this way. It is an unhealthy situation.

Wow, you've been amazingly patient with him I think. It will be good for you to get some time back for yourself. I don't have any children so can only comment as a child whose parent's split up.

My parents split up when I was 8 and we lived half the time with each. Mon and Tues we'd stay with Mum, Weds and Thurs at Dad's then we alternated weekends (Fri, Sat & Sun). This did involve carrying a lot of clothes round on the bus, and I am still great at packing ? My Dad lived quite near our school so I'd go there before school to drop the stuff off when we were going to stay at his.

As we got older though we moved in with Mum as we didn't want to live with Dad but he was the one the courts awarded custody to.

Buckley you can only try. If it doesn't work for the youngest you'll figure something else out as he gets older.

We used to have my step daughters just once a week on a Sunday. That increased to Sat-Sun overnights, then in time became every other weekend and one night for tea during the week. When their mother stopped this my husband took her to court and was awarded shared care. He had the children Wed-Mon (school picup and drop offs) every other week, plus Weds overnight the following week. Half of school holidays and Boxing Day to NYD every year. However last year the mother chose a drug addicted, violent boyfriend over her children and they now live with us full time. She sees her two daughters Weds from 6.30-8pm one week and Weds from school to 8pm the other week.

Just go with what is best for your children. ?

Hi Buckley,

My 2 see their dad every other weekend, he drives down and picks them up Friday evening and they are returned at 6pm on Sunday. He is too far away to see them for just an evening. If either of us are busy then we arrange alternate cover i.e his mum or my mum would have them. Don't get me wrong, there is flexibility but it would have to be something major to change the arrangement. My argument is that I need the space from them as much as they need to see their dad. I love my weekends off and go to the hairdressers, beauty salon, shopping in peace etc. Bliss...

It was very quiet to begin with and I did miss them but TBH now I wave them off on a Friday evening, think about them briefly over the weekend and when they arrive back on Sunday evening we are all refreshed and ready for the weeks ahead. Both my 2 sleep well but again if they didn't at his house I would just expect him to cope...the same as I do! I appreciate what you are saying about your youngest son though..I know it is a bit different for me.

Time for some 'you' time I think x

My OH also has shared care of his son (14). He gets on well with his ex and there is nothing set in stone at all - or ever has been when he was younger. Generally he's with us Tuesday and Wednesday nights and then most of the weekend - every weekend.

We live in town and his mum is a couple of miles away in a village - therefore as he's getting older he's going to want to spend more time with us as he can go into town.

It's obviously different for us as he's so much older. We can also come and go as we please and it doesn't matter if we're out when he's here, he's old enough to fend for himself.

My friend's H (ex) has her boys every other weekend Friday until Sunday and on the weeks and 1/2 nights in the week as well depending on whether he is having them that weekend.

Meant to add they are 3.5 and just turned two

Not me - but a friend of mine's ex used to take his kids for one day every weekend - either collecting them from school on friday til tea time saturday or collecting them tea time saturday and either taking them to their mums on a sunday tea time or to school on monday. He also had them after school one night a week til the next morning.

It worked well for them both tbh - both had a one of the weekend days with the children and it was flexible if either of them wanted/needed to change the nights etc.

just a thought if you think a full weekend would be a bit much for the kids at least to start off with....

We split the nights 50/50. I have our two boys (5yrs & 2yrs) from Sun-Tues, and every other Weds, and exH has them the rest of the time. I work part time so I have them Mon-Weds afternoons and Thurs & Fri mornings as well (except when Toby is at school).

It works well for us, the boys don't seem unsettled by it, and they have a balanced relationship with both of us ?

Thank you all so very much. If anything having this question answered has made me realise that we are just going to have to have a go and see how it works out for all four of us. I did have the afternoon to myself today whilst he took the children to his flat for the first time and to be honest It has lifted my mood somewhat. I got shopping done alone and he got to introduce them to where they will be spending time in the future.

Again thanks

Another thing to bear in mind is that they might want to show you their room when it does become 'theirs' - so don't be surprised if you get invited round (it might also be worth mentioning to your ex in the best way you can - it's not that you want to nose etc. and all that)

Yeah that should not be a problem. He has a 1 bed flat so they will be in his bed and a travel cot repectively, with him on his horrible hard sofa (tee hee). I have been to his flat several times (during yet another period of us 'trying again') so It would not be something that would bother me, although the first time I went there and saw the pictures of the kids it really bothered me so maybe seing the kids there might actually bother me. Grrrr..... there are so many things for us to take in to concideration.

Just hope he cleans the flippin place every now and then because I am sure that is not something he does oftern now.?

We have husbands children 3 weekends out of 4 and most of school holidays

it works fine but as they get older they have started making thier own choices, eldest wants to be with friends so doesn't come so much, youngest wants to spend time with horse so doesn't go home as much.

good luck and if you can stay amicable cos courts are useless