Absolutely in shock... ** UPDATE PAGE 7**

Oh love!! I really feel for you.

There is no hurry to make any decisions at all so you take your time. I don't think anyone can give you advice on what you should or shouldn't do as only you know what your heart and head are saying, and only you know what you can live with.

I think that's a great idea to go to Relate. It will hopefully help you to make your decisions with a slightly clearer head

I am thinking about you all the time xxx

Very big hugs KBS, I'm glad you're not rushing into anything. Someone suggested changing both yours and your OHs mobile numbers with immediate effect - that would give you peace of mind that she really is out of the picture now, and allow you to concentrate on the two of you. I hope your visit to the dr helped, and I'm so glad that you're approaching Relate - that should really help YOU, which is the most important thing in all of this. xxx

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I have been thinking about you, KBS. So sorry to hear what has happened..... Don't forget that we are all here to support you.

Oh my god KBS i can not even imagine what you have gone through over the last day, i hope that you have someone that can sit and listen without judging you. I hope that you make a decision based on what you want and what you think will make you happy in the long run

Has your OH said he wants to try to repair this? Hope you work this out for the best

Know we cant do anything but lots of good thoughts going your way

Sounds like you are doing all the right things - doctors, relate, retail therapy!

All I would add is try not to put pressure on yourself to make a decision anytime soon. You wont' be able to think clearer about this for a little while. I remember my brother once saying to me when my previous fiance broke my heart that in the immediate aftermath your head knows what he did is wrong but your heart still loves him. It takes time for the two to align and you might not know what to do until then. But all that support will make it easier. Mind you.

KBS I'm so gutted for you!

You are showing remarkable strength in your posts and level headiness.. I hope this contuine and you can find the right path for you.

Thinking of you x

FWIW I would not be looking at reconciliation in your position. A 'woke up next to some bird I don't know after a drunken night out' is one thing - and possibly forgivable, but a 9 month affair is something different and not something I could forgive. They always say 'I'm sorry I didn't mean it' when what they really mean is 'I thought I could get away with it'.

But you have to follow your heart, and if you think you can forgive him and stay together then go for it - I just know I couldn't, because if he's done it once there's a good chance he'll do it again.

KBS - it will take a long time maybe to reach the right decision. In my case it was out of my hands because my ex husband left me, although he said he was going away for 3 months and would decide when he got back if he was really leaving or not. I loved him and wanted him to stay, so accepted that (stupid me). It was only when the bank manager was doing an annual review for my business and I mentioned the situation (ex husband was the company secretary) that I started to see clearly - she said "well if he's chosen to leave and leave you hanging on a string, would you really want him back?". Much as I loved him, I realised that no, I didn't. A week later I went to the solicitors, initially for financial disassociation only, but as I was relating the sorry story to the solicitor, I realised how bad things had become. Solicitor said "you do know you have more than enough grounds for divorce, if you ever want to go down that route?". By the end of the appointment I was filing for divorce, not just financial separation.

The thing is (and I learnt this SO well during the end of my first marriage) is that there is a VERY thin line between love and hate.

I hate to say it, but I agree with the above.

I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this and I hope you manage to reach the right decision for you.

Completely agree and after being in this same position I couldn't forgive and have never forgotten.

KBS I think you are being very level headed by seeing a doctor and considering relate. I understand it is so easy for some of us to say you should break up with your partner as we aren't going through what you are right now. Even Cheryl Cole publicly fell on her own sword by declaring publicly she would leave her husband if he cheated only to forgive him and he did it again. None of us know how we would react as you can't stop suddenly loving someone.

I personally would kick my OH to the kerb as I believe somebody who truly deserves me and my son wouldn't hurt us this way.

I'm going to disagree with some of the above about "no reconcilaitions" and "kicking to the kerb". Also, I'm going to massively generalise here, and feel free to shoot me down (no invitation necessary) but men simply do not view sex in the same way that women do. I'm not saying all men and all women only think within their own gender confines, clearly that's not the case. Just generally. Time and time again, we hear research, stats and even first hand anecdotal evidence from male friends that for them, sex does not necessarily represent an emotional attachment, at least not necessarily a serious one. I would be looking to find out the extent of the emotional attachment, the promises he may or may not have made to her and if he can admit it, the real motive behind his actions (insecurity, ego boost, feeling detached from the relationship, whatever).

Let me pose a question to you all. How important is sex within your own relationship? Important, of course. Sacred, of course. But the "thing" that truly unites you? The "thing" that keeps you together? The "thing" that defines you as a couple? Or is that "thing" more likely to be the way he looks into your eyes, the way he cuddles you when you're unhappy, the way he finishes your sentences and knows your thoughts? If sex isn't the "thing" that binds a couple, why should anyone let sex with someone else destroy a relationship? Just a thought but what do I know?

KBS, you have my absolute sympathy for a dreadful situation. I think you need to be clear about what actually happened, including the emotional parts, before you make a decision. But you need the whole story, as hard as that might be to hear. I don't think it's unreasonable to say that some couples emerge from this kind of thing and genuinely seem to become stronger because of it. I also wouldn't think it unreasonable for you to throw him out. Take your time. Committing to a "let's talk and see if we can get through it" is not the same as committing to resurrecting the relationship - you have all the cards and you do what you need to.

I'm going to agree with FTLOMB on this one. The only other bit of advice I would add is not to play it out over Facebook. Whatever you decide to do, you need to be able to get through this and I'm not so sure that opening up your situation to all of your FB friends is going to be helpful to you. Particularly not if you decide to give things another go with your fiance.

Give yourself some breathing space. Take care of yourself.

Very wise I think. I agree that most men can remove the emotion from sex in a way women generally can't, but it's the length of time and the ongoing deceit that I can't get my head around.

I should add that, in time and in talking it though with him, maybe you could get your head around it as FTLOMB said. Then you should be more able to make the decisions that you need to

KBS, I have only just read this but I can't read and run.

I went through a very difficult time with family issues (similarly a sense of betrayal) a few years back and the most positive thing for me was to run away for a few days. I went to stay with my best friend and her family about 100 miles away for a long weekend. It didn't solve anything but they all knew what was going on without me needing to explain it and they just gave me the space and support to get my head together. When i returned I wasn't 'recovered' but i was in a better place to start talking again.

Take as much time as you need before making any decisions and get the support of one or 2 people close to you.

HUUUUGE hug, you have all of our full support! And one final piece of advice: the only boys worth crying over would never give you a reason to cry xxxxxx

Completely agree with Footlong.

Look after yourself.

Jesus...

KBS - we don't know each other, but just wanted to say hold on in there, you can make it through to the other side, whatever it is that you decide to do in the end. I hope it all works out x

BUT what FTLOMB said about sex may be true however this bloke had an ongoing affair for NINE MONTHS.

That’s 9 months of lies, secrets and deceit – total betrayal!! It wasn’t just a one night thing which I can understand (though not condone) someone forgiving!

Sorry that’s not helping KBS - just so angry for you!

Huge Hug KBS. I am so sorry for your pain. I agree with taking some time off, if you have any holiday time, take it, and go clear your head. While I do agree with not making a rash decision, and the bit about sex,, what I cant' get out of my mind is the the time this has gone on. To me that isn't just sex,, that's a relationship that he's secretly been having for 9 months. That's not just sex. I don't think I could ever forgive that, and get past it. Also, while it's good that he finally came clean about the situation, it looks like he did so only because he had to. The other party's husband was now in on it, and if he did call the girl up to break things off,, sounds like she didn't take it well, and threatened to call you, (which she did), so he knew he had to confess. Who knows how much longer this other relationship would have gone on otherwise. I thnk it was crap for the other husband to take this out on you at the start of it all, you are an innocent in this. Your other half put you in a situation of being harrassed and that is just wrong. I am so furious for you. If only for yourself, go to couciling, and stay strong. You are a gorgeous lady, and deserve to be treated better than this. Hugs

As it is the most intimate act between a couple which can result in reproduction amongst other things which can destroy a relationship.

I agree with Footlong that finding out how intimate their relationship was is important ie. was it just sex or more.

However, I could never forgive or forget if my OH had had a sexual relationship in whatever form with another woman for 9 months.

Thinking of you K x

Not for me (nor him, I believe). What keeps us close is laughing together, crying together, sharing life and loss and the promise of a future. For us, sex is an expression of that connection, not the connection in itself. If that means of expression were lost (freak car crash, I don't know), our relationship would not be over. Nor would yours, I imagine?

I guess this kind of difference of how things are viewed is what leads the different advice being given, the different predictions of how we all might respond to this situation.

I don't really want to get into a debate about this, but i don't honestly believe that no string sex is any better than if there were feelings there. your OH playing away is a breach of the trust you had in them that they wouldn't. You agreed to marry them because you trust them to stay committed to you

Everyone knows it takes a long time to build up trust with someone, but it only takes a second to lose it. The question is if you can learn to trust them again. If you don't think you can trust them, then it's likely that the relationship will fail.

Hi KBS!!

Thinking of you!

Take Care we are all here if you need us!

BIG BIG HUGS!!!

Take your time to come to the decision which is right for you! xxx

Read this yesterday but couldn't comment at that time, so just wanted so say that I am really sorry to read your post KBS, keep strong

A very quick update, we have rang and made an appointment with Relate, starts next Tuesday.. We are going in with open minds and, if we/I decide that the best thing to do is part then he will support me in that decision, however, if we also feel that we can move on from this then, yes, I know it will p!ss a lot of people off, my sister included but it will ultimately be my decision to make on whether or not I think we can weather this storm.

We do have a very close friendship with another couple where the husband had an affair, yes, it totally devastated her but they are so much stronger now and, if we/I do decide I want to try again and give him a chance then communications channels will be totally open between us, we will do "things" together i.e swimming, going for a meal etc as this was seriously lacking in our relationship, we were merely co-existing and that wasnt a relationship.

We hadnt been intimate, my choosing not his, for around a year... No, I' am absolutely NOT condoning what he has done to me but as FTLOMB quite rightly said, men see sex totally differently from women. Women make love/have sex with their hearts and emotions, men have sex with their penises.

I am going into this counselling with an open mind as I would hope and expect MY clients when they come to see me as a counsellor to also have the same open mindedness.

I would like to apologise if I have given TMI with this thread but at the time (and still do to a certain extent) is need a shoulder and, unfortunately I dont have that IRL.

So, once again... thank you so much for all your ongoing support and I hope you will also support me once I have made my decision be it stay or go.

KBS xx

Support - yes, absolutely xx

I think you're doing the right thing in the right frame of mind, to be honest. No-one can make your decisions for you, or tell you what you should be doing. I hope you come to a decision that will lead to happiness in the future for you. Keep us updated xx

You'll find endless support here KBS, in whatever you decide to do xx

One thing I would say to you K is that although you may not feel it, it sounds like you're being so strong. I admire you for that. I really wish you all the best with your decision. x

As for men seeing sex in a different way, personally I think it's just an excuse. They know right from wrong!

You sound like such a brave lady. You have total support and shoulders to cry on here.

Now, when would be a good time to come along and beat the skanky little whore up?!

You will make the decision which is right for you both and we will support you whatever you do.