Addressing marital issues

It's a tricky one. I know firsthand the effect of not dealing with issues and allowing them to build up.

I also thought like you do, that a public place would mean less chance of tempers exploding. However I also realised that it would be difficult to discuss personal issues in earshot of strangers and your H may feel annoyed if you try to.

Perhaps if you have a nice meal, you could try broaching the subject when you get back and he's in a more responsive mood.

Thanks Sare. I have told H I think we should discuss it tonight so I wasn't planning on springing it on him. He wants to discuss it now but it is difficult with the sproglet around. At 13.5 months I really don't know how much she understands but would prefer not to argue in front of her if I can help it.

Tbh one of the reasons my Mum has G overnight is so I can catch up on some sleep as G doesn't sleep through the night. Over a year without a full nights sleep is probably part of the problem between me and H! I am not sure I will have the energy to stay up after dinner and discuss it tbh. We could discuss it all tomorrow morning but then we probably won't relax and enjoy tonight then either.

I write things down, keeping it very much in the "I feel" line, rather than the "you make me feel" line, and make it very much a reflection of women in society in general, because it probably is as much that.

I also found that Mr JK didn't know what I wanted, because I didn't spell it out, word for word. You do have to be explicit, though I realise having to think for both of you can be a source of resentment in itself.

We're not too bad re this at present though. One row vigorous exchange of views a year seems to sort it out ?

Thanks. That is really helpful.

Generally we are ok but the rows vigorous exchanges of views seem to be happening a bit more regularly than once a year (although in fairness still only about once a quarter) but it made me realise there were some things that were bothering me. I think Mr RBH feels the same as it is the first time he has shouted at me pretty much in all the time I have known him.

One of the things I am resenting is that he asked me to remind him of things as he isn't very good at remembering. I made sure there are lists of them around the house but when I do remind him, I am nagging! It seems a no win situation?

When does reminding someone of things become nagging? What is the difference? Is it how often you do it? Is it the way you do it? Is it just when you do it when your H is in a bad mood?!

While I can see that is sensible, I am just not sure if I will enjoy tonight if I am bottling things up. Might need to try and find sometime to talk before we go out if we can.

A few things about nagging.

He loves you, he married you, and above all he wants you to be happy. every time you "nag" he will see it as proof that you're unhappy, and he may see that as a criticism of him - he can't seem to satisfy you. I think it's really important that you let him know that you are grateful to him, that you are happy, that you enjoy being around him, that you're grateful for all the things he does do. Notice when he's tired, say thank you when he does things around the house or with the children. Bite you lip and pick yourbattles if you're unhappy with something he's doing - think how hurt you are when someone criticises you as a person or as a mother and remember that every time you open your mouth. If you do feel you have to "nag", be gentle, make a joke of it, turn it into an issue for you as a team, rather than you vs him. It might make you quite self conscious initially but you get the hang of it and it soons come naturally. An example, when you're both knackered and need to get on with housework etc - give him a cuddle, say "isn't it exhausting trying to keep on top of everything? shall I do the dishes while you put the rubbish out or would you prefer it the other way round? Then we can sit down for a cuppa.". That sort of thing. Oh, and the odd bum-pinch and snatched peck on the cheek can do wonders for an ego - and it goes both ways. I always feel much more motivated to pull my weight, when I know that I'm loved and appreciated, and I know that goes for my H too.

If you really feel you must discuss things tonight then do, but I can't help thinking an evening which should be an opportunity to reconnect and have a giggle with your husband, is going to turn into a tedious discussion about chores and is such a wasted opportunity.

I agree with Rache, (and have been taking tips too!).

Speaking from bitter experience I also don't think that discussing this tonight wouldn't be the ideal thing to do. Having children is a massive adjustment, more so with your first baby and in the first year, and I actually found socialising with my husband without the baby being there took some getting used to. On the odd occassion when we did have the luxury of a night out we would inevitably end up talking about the baby, which would invariably lead on to discussing gripes, housework etc and I would often end up teary and it would ruin the evening.

6 years on we're much better now (lol), and we can go out and not talk about the kids at all, (well not much anyway). Without realising at the time, I think MrKB and I had to get to know each other again after having children, it changes everything, your roles change and your relationship and responsibility to each other changes and it does take a while to adjust to that.

Would it be possible to have the chat before you go out tonight but agree to resolve it before you leave the house so you can enjoy your evening together?

Thanks all.

You are right, tonight isn't a good time to discuss it but equally I don't want it unresolved so we will need to find some time this afternoon to resolve it. It is nothing major so once resolved we should be able to enjoy tonight. Neither of us are sulkers either which is a good thing.

Rache - thanks for the tips. I have tried to do it so that we do things 'together' i.e. I cook dinner while he sorts the bins but H seems to be resenting that some of the things I do for us - managing the finances is 1 example are easier than things he does, often more manual things. When we tried to sort this out last time he seemed happy with how things were split up so it may be time to revisit.

I'd be careful into getting into a tit for tat ie chore a is harder than chore b or I do x things and you do x/2. For a start what might be an easy job for one of you is hard for the other. I will happily change a plug and put the bins out but I absolutely HATE loading the dishwasher. And I rather like doing the laundry. So it makes no sense for me to do the washing up when my husand does it happily as long as I'm doing the other tidying and sorting out the laundry. He loves cooking; I don't. So I do the shopping and the bills while he does the meal planning and the cooking.

Your H may well be getting away with murder, but there is a way you can play it that will not wind him up. Simply say: "I can't do it". If you do things but grumpily and resentfully, it will just wind him up. If you say, I'm sorry I can't - no qualification, no discussion, then he will see that you're reaching the end of your tether and you've passed the buck over to him without implicitly telling him that he's a lazy arse. Secondly ask for what you want. I want you to help more is not specific enough. Say, I can't do all the childcare at the weekends. I want you to take the baby for two hours each day, and I'll give you two hours to yourself each day too. I want a lie in once a week and I'll do the same for you. On an evening: I want to get the kitchen tidy and the dishwasher loaded before we go to bed, how shall we split it up? No "could you" or "would you" and no hanging over him telling him how to do it, or micromanaging. And don't tell him more than once either. It's his job; he'll do it (probably badly at first) and when he's done it say thanks darling you're a star; that was such a help.

Sorry to crash your thread.

The problem that we have with this tactic Rache, is that's it's still me deciding what does and doesn't need to be done. If I say, "I want the kitchen tidied before we go to bed" and he's not too bothered and would happily do it tomorrow morning, then what's to say my way is right? I lived with a housemate who had very strict standards and in the end we all ended up thinking "well if you're so fussed about X, Y and Z then you can bloody well do it yourself". 'Tis a tough call. Also not sure about thanking H for doing things that were his 'job' anyway, I have a really deliberate policy of not doing this (although I always, always thank him if he does something spontaneously over and above the bare minimum).

I agree with the rest of your advice though.

It's a tough one, if you bring it up this afternoon you run the risk of tonight becoming tense, if you leave it untill tomorrow you run the risk of a lovely weekend ending in a row.

Im a bottler im afraid as in my last nasty relationship trying to talk about problems only led to him walking out so i stupidly got into the habbit of bottling everything up and being too scared to let it be known i was upset.

I know you don't want to row in front of little one but can you perhaps have the discussion on a weeknight when she is tucked up in bed? x

I always thank MrRache for routine chores because I am bloody grateful that I have a husband who doesn't leave it all up to me, and I want to keep him sweet! So I shouldn't have to, you're right, but when I do it makes him happy and when he's happy I'm happy so in the end it's absolutely worth it. Also he thanks me for my chores - so it would be churlish of me to refuse to return the compliment. It's all about feeling appreciated and showing that you're grateful that you're part of a good team. Sportsman thank each other - when a team plays well they congratulate one another even thought it's their job and they're getting paid for it - it's morale boosting and that's why it works. Me and MrRache are a team and a team needs encouragement and gratitide to keep it running smoothly - and that's how I feel about my marriage. To make it work it needs attention - oiling the cogs and fuelling the engine, to mix a metaphor.

Re having different standards - if you do, then you should do it all. But if you have normal, reasonable standards, and you live with someone who's raison d'etre is to give you comfort and love and support, and he knows it makes you unhappy to go to bed with a messy kitchen, and to make you less unhappy he can pitch in, you should find it works. But if you sigh and huff and nag and are passive aggressive, if you have impossibly high standards, and if you become a martyr about it then all normal people wil run for the hills. It's all about attitude. "I think tidying the kitchen before bedtime is reasonable, do you? So you think it's doable? Shall we really try to get it done together? It makes me feel really happy and relaxed to go to bed with a clean kitchen, I know it's daft, but there you go. I reckon we can do it in twenty minutes if we start after this programme finishes. What do you think?" That sort of thing.

I thought we had arranged things to each other's strengths. I did things like the finances, sorting out childcare and certain housework as I am quite organised, have a finance background etc. H did things like lawn mowing, tending the veg garden and household things later at night (I am often in bed first due to G still waking at nights) as that seemed to be what suited him. As a result of H working in London as well, it made sense for me to do certain things because I am at home more while he can do things early in the morning because he doesn't have G crawling around him like I do.

We have had a brief chat already. H has apologised for being rude earlier and said he reacted as he thought I was shouting at him. I hadn't thought I was shouting but I do talk louder than him naturally so it isn't difficult for me to reach louder levels. I explained a few of the things that are upsetting me and he said he could understand why. We have agreed to revisit the rota and I will explain what things really need to be done at certain times. He said he hadn't appreciated that by him not doing certain things at certain times it meant I couldn't get things done. It is silly things as well and definitely not worth having a row over.

Thanks for the help everyone.

As ever, you are a wise woman, Rache. I am blessed to have a hugely helpful husband, so luckily it's a pretty academic question.

He would be happy living in a messier house than me, but he is also sensitive to how I feel and making me happy.

I think it's me that's more worried about being unreasonable tbh ? He's the most chilled our person ever.

[crash] Rache, was it you who did the Surrendered Wife thing? If you're getting this from that book/theory I might have to read it.[/crash]

I know I'm not in a relationship now but when I was with my ex, saying thank you really did work. I generally did things like making tea (or we'd do it together) and he always always said thank you and made me feel appreciated. He worked shifts and I would often leave a list of things to do or he would just do the washing up whilst I was at work and so on and I would always say thank you to him. Obviously there were moments but it worked pretty well.

Rache, I wish you could come and coach my Mum, my step dad does nothing and I mean that, he's the laziest person in the hom I have ever met and it drives me mad. For example the new gate latch is still sat there over a week later needing to be put on and he hasn't done it, despite us having a dog so need to be secure and having the day off yesterday.

Sorry I've gone on ? I hope you can resolve things RBH, it sounds like you're both happy to and are communicating which is all good. Enjoy your evening together ?